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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

A bird in hand, sometimes aint worth two in the bush

I had a one to one with Soulful today, her name at birth was Soulful, but if the name should fit the crime then Sorrowful should have been her name. Me and Soulful come a long way, its a pity then that her life has so much road let to travel, so many mountains to climb and treacherous rivers to cross. Soulful's mountains and rivers are none either than her death partner Lincoln. The man who is supposed to be her life partner, is her death partner, instead of giving her life , he brings her closer to death, slowly seeping the life out of her like a tick sucks blood out of a dog, sucking out her strength, erasing the woman that i loved, the woman that I called a friend, leaving a shell, a robot that can not chose its right from its left. Were this the animal kingdom I would have said Soulful is nothing left but a carcass whose flesh has been devoured by the vulture that is Lincoln. They have split up and made up. And split up and made up. and made up then split up.Then spilt up again and made up. They've travelled the world jut making up. She's got closets full of clothes from when they made up. She has diamond rings and golden bangles from a time he said sorry, in fact she has designer gear and monolo shoes for each and every time he cheated, hit her, abused her and used her. Her clothes and her jewellery sing the story of her life like a diary would say yours and mine, but hers was no ordinary life if it was a life at all. "Better the devil you know" she says again and again and again. He punches her 'better the devil you know' he slaps her 'better the evil you know', he abuses her emotionally 'its still better the devil you know' he cheats on her 'better the devil you know' he lies to her 'better the...............' when does the angel you don't know become better than the devil you do know? What makes us stick in situations we are not happy in, jobs we hate getting up in the morning for, keep friends that we feel are more toxic than good, stay in relationships that we have long outgrown , that are going no where or that are more toxic than good? Are we afraid to move on?do we have such a low self esteem that we feel that this is the best we can do or the most we can ever hope for? are we desperate for fulfillment/a man or woman such that any man or any woman no matter how badly they treat us will do? Why put up with devils, when you can go looking for angels? For every Lucifer out there ain't there a Jesus? Not that I'm encouraging every sista or brother to up and leave their relationships, jobs or friendships, relationships are hard work, you got to put in the hard graft.............but when it becomes torture, when you cry more often than you laugh, when the only exercise your partner does is domestic boxing, if you have a dress for each time he beat you, if you sharing your woman or man with Billy,Jason, Conrad and Stephen, when all you seem to do is make up and break up and make up and breakup and breakup and makeup, then maybe its time for you to realise............that sometimes a bird in hand, ain't worth two in the bush............................

2 comments:

ShonaVixen said...

Routine, fear of change makes people stick in the same situation. Like Soulful i have a friend who i'd always wonder why was she with some1 that she really and truly didnt deserve until today, she opened up to me about her childhood, she felt that she was unloved by both parents so she will fall for the wrong person so long as they show her a bit of affection. I had to give her advice (that short psychology course's gone to my head..lol), told her she needs to start loving herself, really loving herself. So i think that's what Soulful needs to do.

However human beings naturally dont like change, so some will rather stay in relationship coz they dont want to start the whole search all over again, some feel there's no-one out there so they'd rather stay wiv the devil they know! tough call really

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

you are right Shona, as women I think we need to get it into our heads that we are not second class citizens when it comes to how men should treat us. If you aint his queen, then he's not your King. It is fear of the unknown..what if there is nothing better...but is nothing not better than pain day in day out? But who am I to talk in our own ways we are all guilty of staying in situations a second too long