My Mother's Child

The Best Porn is live Porn........

2009-11-27T13:07:00.001Z

*long post alert* Me and Erica are no longer friends, In fact to be grammatically precise Erica and I are no longer friends and if you ask me it was completely her fault lol. It was a very good idea at first, as good as any idea formulated after 4 bottles of wine and several vodka shots can be. It was very generous of me as her best friend to offer practical support, for what good is emotional support in a financial crisis, being there for someone doesnt pay the rent? Well it was a different sort of practical support, actually it was medical support slash free porn slash whatever. As you all know I have done quite a lot of idiotic stuff in the past if this post http://my-mothers-child.blogspot.com/2009/01/lights-camera-penis-idiots.html is anything to go by and this is one of those incidents i like to pretend never happened lol.

I remember the day so well, Erica and I were having a serious heart to heart (bad mistake since we were already under the influence of 36 units of alcohol between us which. It was her fault for starting the conversation. She said her new boyfriend makes freakish downright strange noises during sex which sound alien and totally freaked her out. I asked her what she meant and she tried to imitate them but she has always been a bad actress. So being under the influence of 36 units of alcohol she said 'wait a minute I have a brilliant idea, next time we are at it why don't you come and watch?' Not being sure what she meant I asked how this supposedly brilliant idea might be accomplished. Well she said, you know how i like having sex in the dark? I replied 'ah-ah' 'Well' she went on 'let me call him to come over and I will leave the door slightly open and you can listen in and give your honest opinion' I nodded eagerly too drunk for words at this point to use common sense. The more bizarre the idea got the more interested I became. I mean I'm not a pervert or a freak or a sexual deviant, I was really really really really concerned about my best friends sexual well being, if she thought she was 'doing' an undercover alien, it was my job as the supposed best friend to allay her fears or confirm them..right???? after all friends are supposed to be there for each other in sickness and alien sex....right??? (y'all know I'm right).

One hour later he was on his way to her place, she made me creep into the dark wardrobe leaving the door slightly ajar so that i couldn't miss any of the star wars sound effects lol. I think i waited an uncomfortable hour or two for the show to begin, wedged between winter coats that had seen better days and enough smelly shoes to open an up market charity shop, it was the most uncomfortable squatting position ever (it beat squatting in a pit latrine in the village during one of those parent enforced trips where you were forced to go to the village and play the dutiful town grand daughter once a year during a public holiday lol) but what can i say I'm a good and loyal friend lol so i dutifully sat in the wardrobe numb with cramp in my left leg, fervently praying that after this ordeal was over my leg wouldn't have to be amputated due to circulation cut off. fast forward 10 mins later.She over performed coz she knew I was there, he in turn under performed because he didn't know they had an audience. From the thumps,bumps and window rattling moves coming from the bed i knew i was in for a show to rival any porn version of the Oscar winning musical Chicago.

Twenty seconds later the noises began, ssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii tiiiiiiiiiii eeeeeeeeee eeeh eeeh eeeh mayweeeeeeeeee mayweeeeeeeeeee yuwiiiiiiiiiiiiii yuwiiiiiiiiiii, siiiiiiiiiiiiii I thought WTF is that a mobile phone ringtone? Then I realised hell no the sounds were coming from the bed, maybe the dude was trying to recite the alphabet, fcuk this was worse than a star wars sound track, the kind of moise that would make you run for you life if you were walking past a cemetery in the middle of the night (serves you right though if you actually walk past a cemetery in the middle of the night lol). Seriously fro the eh eh eh's emanating from the bed at one point i thought Erica with her 18 stone body frame was trying to send the dude to an early death, he sounded like he was gasping for air, choking in pain not in pleasure, before I could put on my spider woman cloak and attempt a rescue op from the wardrobe lol a muted 'dont stop' re-assured me that he delighted in that sort of thing (what ever it is she was doing lol). After a few more yuwiiiiiiii's and eeehhhhhhs and the final curtain call I realised I had a new dilemma....... how the fcuk was i going to exit the wardrobe if he was planning to stay the night?

My supposedly best friend had forgotten all about me getting increasingly uncomfortable in the damn wardrobe, i realised that the trip to the ER to get my leg amputated was fast becoming a reality. I tried to shift and change position but that's quite hard to do when you are sharing closet space with smelly shoes, a dozen coats and several boxes of God knows what. It didn't help that the alcohol was wearing off and i really felt like i wanted to be sick. I debated what was worse vomiting in her 20 odd pairs of smelly designer shoes or making an exit from my hiding space and having to do a lot of explaining. I didnt have to wonder for long, that decision was completely taken away from me. I'm not sure what exactly took place, if I was still friends with Erica perhaps she would have clarified the correct version of events. I remember something brushing against my neck, it might have been a coat belt,or a spider or one of the numerous scarfs in that wardrobe, but my intoxicated mind immediately thought black widow spider and i let out a blood curdling scream and tumbled out of the wardrobe.I think I heard someone from the bed shouting ' who the fuck is that but i couldn't be sure. All i knew was a spider was trying to eat me alive and i had to get out of there pronto plus i didnt want to wait around to make any explanation to Mr alien sounds, how could i even begin to explain? so i bolted and i left Erica to sing a few notes of Usher's 'this is my confession. ' on our behalf.

what happened after that I never really found out,like i said Erica and I are no longer friends. She called me a couple of nights after that begging that i call her boyfriend (who she was now referring to as the love of her life man of her dreams slash soul mate, the girl had amnesia it was less than 72 hours ago when he had been Mr alien sounding dude from star wars and she was getting ready to dump him but like i said the girl had amnesia.) anyway she demanded that a)I call her boyfriend and b) state that it was all my fault i had planned the whole thing and c)that she didnt know i had been holed up in the wardrobe. Now i can and WILL do a lot of sh*t for a friend, lend a 100 quid here and there, babysit you when you are sick etc but I'm not one to take a bullet for someone else, I flatly refused reminding her that a) it had not been all my fault and b) I had not planned it and c) she damn well knew i had been holed up in that closet. Erica hurled a lot of abuse and i hurled my own abuse. when the phone was slammed down it was then i knew that Erica and I were no longer friends. Its been 8 years now and I have done a lot of growing up since then but I wonder sometimes what happened to them or more importantly what happened to her for we went back a long way almost sisters, I live in constant fear of mama finding out the real reason we are no longer friends, I guess the worst porn is live porn if you are hiding in someones closet to watch it.

I really really R.E.A.L.L.Y love my Mama (honestly)

2009-10-27T00:35:00.004Z

I know I haven't been here in a while I blame google for making me choose a password I completely forgot and I blame my mama too. Speaking of which.....If you were to ask me how I feel about my mama, I would probably rattle off the politically correct answer “shes my best friend”, “on her i can depend always”, “the one I trust”, I would die for her blah blah blah and if I'm really and truly under the influence (we talking 40% alcohol here not ‘no added sugar’ pineapple cordial lol) I might add that vomit inducing quote............ “if i could change a thing about you mama I wouldnt’t change a single thing blah blah blah ”. you get the drift right? All lies i tell you, First of all if you are new to my blog, before you get all judgemental up in here, let me break a few things down to you about mama. She is NOT my best friend, in fact she is not my friend period! She is just mama, not a pal, not a mate not a bff but just mama. Before you get judgemental (again)the feeling is absolutely mutual, she often screams (and this is a direct quote minus the loud booming voice) “Ms DM don't play with me I'm not your friend ooh, play with someone your age, or else i will tattoo that behind ooh” (see it doesn't get more mutual than this lol.)

As for not changing a thing, boy who am i kidding. Trust me if I had the chance I would (for those living in the UK) property-ladder, grand design, home improve ( or whatever makeover programme is out there) tweak my mama. Gone will be the Shambock wielding woman who dances dangerously close to a culpable homicide charge when she tries to put you on the straight and narrow. Trust me when mama is done with you you will be more bent and crooked than the time she began working on your ass.........my mother literally loves me with a vengeance lol. My relationship with mama is like travelling on a budget no frills airline. It generally does what it is supposed to do but once in a while it surprises you with a whole lot of nasty shocks, like £20 for airport check in, £10 per bag for hold luggage, and another £5 for paying by credit/debit card. Mama is sneaky like that, you constantly feel like you’ve been punked ......at least with easy-jet/ bmi/ryanair its all in the small print, with mama she makes the rules as she goes on like a typical African dictator, nah forget it there is nothing remotely typical about my mama lol.

As for dying for mama, if truth be told that's definitely a moot point. If a gun tooting yob was pointing his weapon of mass destruction (a gun people lol) at me and mama and says ‘hey you two decide who we kiss es-ta lavista baby to’ I'm not sure that like a loyal and loving daughter i would necessarily volunteer my self for this virtuous deed. Call me Judas Iscariot or morbid but seriously speaking wouldn't it make more sense morally and all for mama to be the sacrificial lamb? I mean shes been there done that and wore the t-shirt until it turned from white to grey with age lol, shes had the husband, the jet setting lifestyle, the six figure salary and 4 children who haven't turned out half bad (yes me included lol). It would be quite selfish I would think if she refused to be the Isaac to my Abraham ( any non Christians see me).

Speaking of “the one i would trust/ depend on” it would only be in a life or death situation like plucking me from a burning house, or dragging me from under a bus for anything else hmmmm she would totally betray me even without the prospect of financial gain Ala Judas Iscariot. My mother would be the first to ask the head to expel you from school for indecent exposure(never mind that the ‘indecent exposure’ consisted of letting your first junior high school boyfriend have a peak at your budding nipple-less mini boobs during PE lol (no that wasn't me thankfully it was my sister from the same mama and if you are in doubt check her behind for the evidence.......its called death by shambock lol).I wont pretend (like many of you do lol) that I'm best friends with mama. Rue my real best friend who is no relation what so ever to mama is the one I tell all about my secret fantasy about Dr Black our family GP who at 49 is nearly twice my age, the one I disclose the drunken snog with a random stranger, the one i give a no holds barred account of my lucky escape from a potential 3 someone after a game of truth or dare, Rue the one best friend is the only one I would be brave enough to tell about my hot secret date with my mama’s personal assistant. See telling a real best friend like Rue has no repercussions, she would probably hoot with laughter and trade my stories with her own kinky, dirty, often slutty ones which border on illegal lol . Now that's a true best female friend. Now my mama who is NOT my best friend would literally castrate me if i tried to confess to such sh*t (Thank God shes not my best friend and I don't have a d**k lol). But she would definitely hurl me in front of the local priest so that he could baptise such demonic behaviour out of me......I ain't no psychologist but clearly this is not Best Friend behaviour lol.

Disclaimer (Just in case mama is lurking somewhere in Blogsphere lol). Now Mama you know better than to believe everything you read especially from an amateur blog which fewer than 5 people ever read . You know you and I are much closer than the 3000miles currently between us. I love you mama and that's not only on mothers day. I really really really really really really really R.E.A.L.L.Y do, so don't you dare let anyway slash any blog (this one included ) convince you otherwise lol. Its been too long Blogsvile I,ve missed you all.

How to Ruin a Good Vacation .............

2009-08-18T01:06:00.004+01:00

.........Vacation with my mother!!! There I said it and I'm not taking it back. (unless my mama reads this statement,then this blog will have to come down with the speed of light. I might be an independent strong black blah blah blah woman but my mama is even stronger and even at twenty seven I still meet the criteria for being walloped to death lol). Okay so I'm back, scarred, bruised and heavily traumatised but back all the same. Who wouldn't be(scarred,bruised and heavily traumatised)after spending four weeks in the captivity of my mother? (disclaimer: this statement might have to be deleted at the speed of light lol)Seriously my mother has the energy, the intelligence and superhuman five senses that are sharp enough to sap the joy out of any good vacation. By 'joy' I mean men,nightlife and more men.

But having said that I had an amazing holiday. So much to tell and so very little time, but if one word sums up my SA holiday it would be SEX or lack of it but wait 'lack of it' is actually 3 words so SEX it is. Not that I'm confessing to having had any, how could I? My mother not only preaches abstinence but she damn well insures it is practiced with the ruthlessness of an African dictator. My mother is up there with the Hitchcock's or Mafia of the abstinence world. I swear she can detect the tiniest threat of sexual activity before you can even say the words bum skimming shorts or micro mini. Which is a shame, there is no point to having sexy legs if you cant put said sexy legs on display. My mother hypocritically states that thighs should be reserved for the eyes of a husband, but with the same mouth she tells my sister 'what kind of married woman wears such a thing' (thing in this instance standing for very tight micro shorts which ironically she was wearing for a night out with her husband at some random beach party. Clearly there is no pleasing some people ('some people' here completely refers to my mother lol).

Speaking of husbands, my mother hijacked my brand new sinfully expensive (according to my ever expanding overdraft lol) Christian Lacroix nightie (if you could call the flimsy material that). She claims I don't need any sexy nightwear, I don't have a husband. (*deep sigh* 'mum I do have sex you know', ) (Disclaimer: I did not say this out loud to my mothers face, I'm still young, I do not want to die, in fact I would rather let you cut me up into a million pieces or skin me to death than die at the hands of my mother). Apparently I'm not deserving of any sexy lingerie but she is, she did not have the decency to refund me my money, I did not have the suicidal nerve to ask for it. I refuse to imagine what she possibly got up to, or is getting up to in it. I do not want to be permanently emotionally scarred, but i am boycotting Christian L for life, I could never wear it again without having mental images I don't want to ever have, so future potential boyfriends please take notes.

Its a truth universally acknowledged that the sole purpose of going on a foreign holiday is to have sex with a foreign man (or depending on how adventurous you feeling, have sex with foreign men plural) . A safari or two might also be on the agenda, you might be suicidal enough to try bungee jumping or sky diving but ultimately nothing beats having sex with said foreign man. Okay i made that up, but whats the point of going on holiday if sex is not on your 'To do List' ? Speaking of sex, i dont normally kiss and tell but the most important lesson i learnt whilst in Mzansi (SA) was that if you intend on having 'sex on the beach' for maximum comfort buy a beach house, or more practicably have sex with a rich foreign man who already owns a beach house unless you want to spend the rest of your holiday removing sand from your down belows lol.

So I'm not sure if I managed to meet Buttercup(big sigh). I met a street hawker called Mercy (originally from Zimbabwe,but not a relation or acquaintance of Shona's lol) selling vhuka vhuka which she informed me is some kind of p*nis enlargement herbal sh*t, but she denied being responsible for those thoroughly annoying spam emails that fill up my junk folder stating 'Dear Miss DM would you like to enlarge your penis blah blah blah...' Coincidentally I also met a street hooker called Obianujuaku (yes I did ask her to write down the spelling). Apparently her name means 'born to plenty' or 'born to a rich family'. (obviously not that rich if she is plying her feminine wares in the dark alleys of Cape Town). Speaking of Obi I've just has a thought...buttercup I hope that wasn't you lol.

Speaking of hookers I also met a money guzzling, fame hungry,man eating gold digga who was heavily disguised as my brother's girlfriend (lol my mother's words not mine). She loves my mother with the passion of a girl who fears she might be left off the shelf and knows that the way to my brothers heart is through my mother and of course his wallet. My mother in turn treats her with so much contempt, I cant remember my mother disliking anyone so intensely or with so much passion....actually I do, my brother's previously girlfriend who foolishly informed my mother she was 'a non believer'. My mother was incredulous I think little miss non believer holds the Guinness world book record for being thrown out of a house at the speed of lightning.

I've been blubbering non stop, you see I missed you guys,its certainly good to be back to civilisation (by civilisation I mean any place away from my mother lol....you know I love you mama.)

The Cow jumped over the moon.............

2009-05-15T12:24:00.005+01:00

in the words of R Kelly.....

My mind....my mind is telling me NO!!!!!!

But my body..my Body is screaming yes yessss yesssssss yes oh yesssss!!!!!!!!

So I'm off to the sunny sometimes cloudy skies of Cape Town and Joburg for a fortnight

to clear the cloudy seeds of doubt.

And when im back, maybe that cow would have jumped over the moon and became a dog,

but if it insists on being called a cow, you might as well line up with your buckets for free semi skimmed milk, coz we gonna milk this cow dry lol!!!!

Buttercup if you meet any drop dead gorgeous sexy intelligent, hot fabalous ******insert any other discription for a bombshell***** skinny bitch, ask for her autograph coz that could definitely be your very own Miss DM. lol

9 Days Celibate and still Counting.........

2009-04-30T23:36:00.006+01:00

My celibacy count is back down to a mere 9 days. Don't even know if that still counts as being 'celibate' I miss being celibate (insert big sigh)I miss feeling so self righteous amongst my rampant friends like i belonged to some elite stuffy boring uppity club, wish I had made him just put the 'head' in lol so i could technically still be a celibate non condom buying so and so.

Speaking of condoms God are they so dear.....hmmmmm there is something oddly unsettling about mentioning God and condoms in the same sentence, but seriously last time i bought condoms they cost 20 cents came in one shape, one colour and had the same latex taste lol. I bought my first condoms at 11.....from my brother aged 6 who had stolen them from my mother aged...... well dunno how old she was but my behind was certainly a few years older than me when she was done with it. She kept shouting 'show me where it goes!!!' whilst beating the living daylights out of me. I become permanently scarred, whenever I'm buying condoms my heart is always almost about to leap out of my chest, like she will suddenly leap out from the checkout counter shouting 'show me where it goes!!!' if you know my mama please advise her not to try it though coz i might just.......just...just be brave enough to lift up my skirts and defiantly shout, 'it goes in here mum, its definitely been in here!!!'.

So me and him are having 'a thing'. I hate having 'a thing' with a dude. You know that indescribable confusing stage where you have moved past the point of being casual lays, (we speak on the phone all the time for hours on end, he is the only person I can bare my soul to, and he tells me he loves me and wants to be only with me ) but for reasons best known to myself I absolutely refuse to classify what we 'have' as a relationship so ' a thing' it is. 'Things ' are supposed to be less complicated, I used the word supposed coz they are in reality a whole lot complicated and messy. What is 'a thing?'. Does it give you a licence to diversify your man portfolio? legitimately I can always do another thingy on the side after all ' we are just having a thing' right? Is a relationship a relationship because you have that conversation where you agree to be exclusive and actually say yeah we are now in a relationship, or is it the case of if it looks like a dog, barks like a dog and lives in a Kennel then it is a dog even if it calls itself a cow? if I'm to keep my sanity 'we' can not be in a dog, I insist that what we have is a cow, a non milk producing, barking, kennel sleeping, dog look alike but I insist its a cow nonetheless.

Sexclaus is coming to town .............

2009-04-12T22:02:00.010+01:00

Just so you know

Sexclaus is coming to town

and when he does,

he is soooooooo going down my chimney

not once, not thrice, but over and over again

'Sexclaus'

lets do the maths........

fcuking my brains out = Sex

going down my 'chimney', deliverin' my goodies and making my christmas come early = Claus

so Sexclaus

Johhny Teabag upstairs aint got shit on you.

so bye bye Pink Rabbit

The End of 389 days of celibacy.

Who Ate All the weight loss Pills Pies .........

2009-04-02T20:30:00.000+01:00

Siren blazing, lights flashing, travelling at an almost suicidal speed, the car swerved from lane to lane, onto on coming traffic, past red traffic lights, zig zagging into the bus lanes and down one way streets, you would be forgiven for mistaking this as a scene from the latest Bond/Bourne movie, but it wasn't, if it had been a movie scene it would have been aptly titled 'Ms DM's almost fatal attempt to be a size zero'.... and it was...almost fatal...when I was admitted into the emergency department temperature at 38, my circus qualifying abnormally big head almost twice its normal abnormal size, breathing through non invasive ventilation, my life, actually to be exact my last 397 sex free days flashed through my mind and I had only one regret on my death bed, 'I should have fc*ked Johnny from upstairs brains out when I had the chance.'

At that very moment even though I felt I was dying, I would have given up the last three, four or seven hours I had left to live to have Johnny my tea bag borrowing upstairs neighbour appear in that A&E assessment ward and give me a mind blowing orgasmic send off into the 'other side'/ pearly gates. seriously as I lay nearly dying from dodgy weight loss pills bought off eBay all i could think about was 'God just one last chance to have sex' (in case you are wondering in my 26years I have already spent an average of 45 Sabbaths a year praying for my salvation so it would be have been only fair to spend the remaining few hours of my life focusing solely on sexual gratification lol).

After being humiliated and cheated out of a chance to bag 'the most eligible, noodle serving, pot bellied, Bugatti driving, sugar daddy on the block' by the Skinny-Bitch I vowed to join the size zero skinny bitches brigade, come doughnuts, lattes, cheese laden pastas, rich chocolate desserts, hail or sunshine. First research pit stop was the gastric bypass, (feel free to judge me all the heck you want lol) I am one for efficiency (working in billable hours does that sort of thing to you) I figured one better way to propel myself to Bugatti sugar daddy snatching size zero than getting my intestines nipped and tucked in Harley street? Besides, the fact that it was only two days after payday meant that the bank manager would happily give me the green light. But i found out the hard way that ~~forget the disabled, gender inequalities, ethnic minority racial discrimination,bias against lesbians/bisexuals etc~~ the world totally discriminates against those of us unfortunate enough not to be too thin and not too curvy either. Apparently no self respecting intestine nipping and tucking surgeon will touch anyone with a body fat mass index of less than 22, their excuse being its dangerous à la Kanye West mum's style hence totally unethical.

Undeterred I turned to the diet pills market, this was the point that the grim rippers clock must have started tick toking in my direction Final Destination style lol. In my defence the gym membership was not helping much, after religiously going to the gym four times a week and huffing and puffing nearly spitting my liver out on the treadmill, i was horrified to learn that i had gained 3lbs. the personal trainer had the nerve to try and spin a web of lies about muscle mass being heavier than fat blah dee blah n*gga purlizzzzzzzz that motivational sh*t don't wash on me, I mean its not as if I'm already spotting a six pack (yeah LLCoolJ always has me at Hello). Now my gym ought to be sued, whats with the sabotaging, situating the fitness suite right next to the drive through McDonald's and LaTasca(Italian restaurant), as I'm huffing and puffing on the treadmill the smell of freshly cooked pasta carbonara and big macs wafts through the room, plus you get discount vouchers for both restaurants as part of your gym membership WTF?????? You burn 400 calories on the treadmill and then afterwards pass through LaTasca and devour 1200 calories disguised as Pasta Carbonara (add 450 more calories if you have chocolate fudge cake as dessert), its a no brain-er so personal training so and so should cut the crap about muscle mass being heavier than fat, unless the other name for muscle mass is pasta carbonara lol.

So you know who your true enemies are when you ask a 'friend' to recommend certain diet pills that can fast forward you to skinnybitchness and she directs you to an Internet site. She swore the sh*t came highly recommended, was 100% legit and even endorsed by celebrities (yeah should have asked which ones, OJ Simpson???). Son or rather more aptly daughter of a b*tch nearly sent me to an early grave, without giving me the opportunity to get my brains sh*gged senseless by tea bag borrowing Johnny from down the stairs. I parted with nearly £183 for the sh*t (hey in my defense I'm sure that when i had successfully bagged Bugatti Veyron sugar daddy he would have spent x1000 that amount on 'keeping me happy' lol). The sh*t (sorry there is no politer word to describe the death pills that nearly killed me) even came with a guarantee that if you didn't loose 7lbs in the first week you would get your money back (conveniently the corresponding address was a P. Box number, now don't quote me on this but i need to recheck Vera's P.O Box number, girl could be the one who tried to grim reaper my ass lol). To cut a long story short, I took the first three tablets and in less than two hours my head had swelled up to twice its normal size, my heart was beating off the Richter scale of heartbeats, my whole body had a sinister looking purplish rash and i was badly swollen as if i had been rihanned by a team of 12 Chris Browns, I couldn't breathe my airways were closing up, in short that sh*t was killing me, thus i found myself on the way to the emergency department in an ambulance, wishing to God I had shagged tea bag borrowing Johnny from upstairs when I had the chance.

8 days later I'm now back home, recovering ( as if you could ever recover from such an ordeal) thanks Tigeress for checking up on me whilst I was in hospital, as for the rest of you Judas Iscariot's who never checked up on me, I hope you choke on a batch of the diet sh*t that nearly killed me. Seriously never ever buy pills off the Internet, I learnt my lesson the death bed way.........but thanks to eight days of horrible hospital 'food' (slimy mashed potatoes and mince meat which had a suspicious sardine like odour) I'm now firmly on my way to earning my Skinny Bitch club platinum pass lol so forget sh*gging Johnny from upstairs coz Bugatti Driving, noodle serving, pot belled Sugar Daddy here I come!!!!!!.

'Wallop me Mama for I have sinned'......

2009-03-19T00:16:00.006Z

I was awarded the 'honest scrap award by Poeticallytinted. (see bottom of post for a picture of the award which Poeticallytinted gave me because she thinks my blog’s content or design is brilliant (ha ha ha how can I not be bigheaded when I literally have a big head). Thank you so much PT for showing my blog some love, unfortunately since there are no interesting facts about Ms DM, instead of the 'ten honest things about me' I have decided to do a post on ten 'sins' I have honestly been walloped for by my mama 'the queen of corporal punishments'.

10 honest ~~sins~~ things about me ~~that I have been walloped for~~

1. I nearly got expelled from Primary school aged 7 for writing an explicit letter with hand drawn pornographic images. My mother has never forgotten this and she tattoed scars on my behind so that neither would I.

2.I once got my mother to fire a new housegirl because she had too many pimples on her face and i refused to eat what she cooked. My father concerned that I was not eating got my mother to fire her. my mother walloped me in my father's abscence for being shallow then turned me into the 'housegirl' for the remainder of the school holidays.

3. My brother who was aged 7 at the time once got me (at age 13) to electrocute myself on a socket claiming that it would feel 'nice'. My mother tatooed his behind, his face and his back in her expert effortless fashion, screaming 'is this nice?' over and over again.Then tattoed my behind for being foolish enough at 13 to listen to a 7year old boy and nearly getting myself killed in the process.

4. I was once 'chucked out' of our local church together with my aunt for being 'inapporpriately dressed in miniskirts. My mother cleared all our wardrobes and threw away anything that was 'above the knees.' which loosely translated means 'she left us with no clothes that were not trousers, jeans or school uniforms.

5.My mother once made me and my cousin sleep (nearly the whole night)outside our front gate in a hailstorm for going on a date with a guy at the same restauramt that she happened to be at for a business lunch. After being made to sleep outside we were still walloped the next morning.

6. My mother once made me and my sister shambock each other (nearly to death) for her entertainment (not strictly true but painfully accurate). We had gone to our nieghbours house and ate dinner there (because it was chicken and rice) and we were sick of the vegetarian (sabbath) saturdays at my house. Stupidly we had arrived home with 'rice and chicken' stains on our clothes.

7. I once 'shared' a man with my cousin because she was not convinved I was telling the truth when I said that he was a very good kisser and an expert at 'touching' up a woman that I agreed to let her 'expierence' it for herself. My brother told my mother and she walloped me and my cousin for 'trying to run a prostitution ring in her compound.

8.On holiday at my grandmothers I once wrote a letter to my father complaining bitterly about her alleged (false) cruel treatment of us (my brother and I)so that my parents could come pick us up. My mother brought my grandmother the letter, read it out loud in front of her and several other people and still left me in her care.....the treatment became accurately cruel (and not false) for the duration of that holiday.

9. In kindergaten I once stole and eat another child's lunch of jallof rice....and was caught. My mother cooked two big pots of jallof rice and demanded that I finish them or else she would wallop me. I finished them.....she still walloped me expertly.

10. When still at nursery I was so ashamed of an uncle of mine that my mother had asked to drop me at school (because he had a beard and had also just arrived from the village) that i lied to him that 'adults' were not allowed on the school premises and asked him to drop me round the corner. The teacher sent my mother a letter asking why I had arrived at nursery unaccompanied. My mother (after asking said uncle why he had not taken me straight into my nursery class and he told her what I had said to him) realised what I had done and walloped me for being ashamed of my relatives.

As i am incredibly ~~selfish and want to hold on to the award~~ lazy I will bend the rules of the award by not list seven blogs I find brilliant because every blog on my blog list and (those that i have ever read/commented on) are brilliant. However I will tag the first person to comment on this post to write thier own 'ten sins I have committed' post.

The Truth that got me 'Rihannad' ..............

2009-03-10T00:24:00.002Z

My mama taught me all kinds of lessons, " if you so much as touch a guy you can get STI's", "you can get pregnant by merely smiling at a man", "your mother will know if you have fooled with a guy because your uterus is linked to her umbilical chord". My mother was a diligent teacher, she taught 'practicals' as well. Painful lessons delivered with equally pain inducing apparatus, shambocks, slippers, branches from our mango tree and my fathers Italian leather belts and stilettos thrown on the spur of an angry moment. Yes my mama was a professional at all kinds of lessons that involve torture but unfortunately she forgot to teach me the most important lesson of all 'under no circumstances shalt thou spit at random dudes'. I will never forgive her for this oversight, and neither will my ass.

He walloped me, right in the middle of the high street (or its African equivalent). 6 inch heels held firmly in both hands, I ran like the wind towards my mothers office, what better place to seek sanctuary than in the arms of the woman who bore you. BIG MISTAKE. He ran like a tornado, chased me right past the uniformed doormen and the revolving door whilst continuing trying to kick me with his size 13 Wien Brenner clad caveman feet. (who knew men could multi task). As misfortune would have it I bump into my mother (with random guy still in hot pursuit) waiting for me in the lobby. My mother being my mother takes charge of the situation, by take charge I mean she wanted to know, 1.why I was ten minutes late for our appointment, 2. why I was charging into her office like a shoeless crazed idiot whilst being chased by another equally crazed but shoe wearing idiot. Before I could utter a single word Crazed Shoe Wearing Idiot blurts out 'Ma I do not know this girl, can you imagine she spat at me right in my face, spat at me like i was dirt, common filth, can you imagine Ma?' .

I can not describe to you what took place after he uttered that sentence. All i will say is hell hath no fury than a mother whose child has just spat at a random stranger. She walloped me. Right there in the front lobby, in full view of the underpaid receptionist with a hairstyle she could barely afford on her wages and was clearly supplementing by being sugar daddied by my mothers deputy (a story for another day). In full view of the doorman with his weather chapped hands, roughened from years of carrying management briefcases and holding the door open for senior management like my mother who were not disabled but were apparently deemed wealthy or educated enough not to have to carry out such trivia as opening their own doors or carrying their own briefcases(again another post for another day). Briefly my mother turned to Random Shoe Wearing dude and said with her boardroom authority 'my son let me handle this' and took off her Zanotti heels and preceded to wallop me like a new bride pounding yam to impress her new in laws.

I danced the 'two step' my feet yoyoing on the marble floor as if i was stepping on hot coals as my mother attempted to educate me the best way she knew how. The door man tried to come to my rescue but nearly got his weather chapped hands (that he used to carry management briefcases) 'stilettoed' and quickly retreated. I guess he was more interested in saving his briefcase carrying hands than preventing my mother from 'domestic violencing' my arse. Its ironic that it was random show wearing dude that saved me, he knelt down arms raised in the air as if in surrender, and cried 'Ma i beg wo you leave the girl , she doesn't know any better, please ma.' By this time i was cowering behind him, seeking protection from the very person who ten minutes before I had so eagerly (with his encouragement if i might add ) spat at. My mother ordered me upstairs, and as i was getting into the lift I could hear her offering random shoe wearing dude some money "apparently for the indignity I had made him suffer" which he then had the indignity to accept. That was the best or the worst walloping I ever got (depending whether you were interviewing my mother or me). This walloping had been completely undeserved and up to this day I feel strongly that a great injustice was committed right there in that office lobby.

*rewind 15 minutes earlier*

You see I had met Random Shoe Wearing dude outside the bank as I was going to my mother's office. Granted i had spat at his face, looked him in the eye and then intentionally spat at him with all the force i could fathom, but he had asked me to, Literally asked me to spit in his face, his exact words were 'If you do not fancy me, like I fancy you, spit in my face and then i will know you mean it.' I had refused but he had insisted kept following me all the way from the Bank towards my mothers office. I asked him to stop following me as i would get into trouble if my mama saw me with a random shoe wearing dude but he insisted 'spit in my face to prove you are serious and i will leave you alone. I pleaded with random shoe wearing dude to leave me alone but he would not listen, 'spit in my face, he urged, spit at me or else I will follow you right into your mother's office. As we rounded the corner and I saw my mothers multi story office building looming in the distance I debated whether I should.....'spit in my face' he yelled with zeal enjoying the discomfort that he was putting me through. At that very moment I made my decision..' Spit in........'(I did not let him finish this sentence) I turned looked him in the eye and dutifully obliged.

fast forward 3 seconds later

He walloped me, right in the middle of the high street (or its African equivalent). 6 inch heels held firmly in both hands, I ran like the wind towards my mothers office.......................

Date Me, coz I'm Rich ..............

2009-03-01T22:26:00.005Z

Okay, before you start invading my inbox with all sorts of grovelling , arse licking, desperately pleading emails, asking for financial assistance to send your Siamese quadruplets or your one legged, three eyed, four nosed, green haired sister for emergency death or death surgery, let me clarify one thing.......I'm not rich. Anyone who still buys a lottery ticket, or takes part in any sort of bet, get rich quick scheme, raffle or lucky dip is clearly not 'rich' by my standards. No matter how much money you have, if you still feel the need to have more then clearly you are not rich, the same goes for those who don't have much money but don't feel the need to have more......you are even worse off...I shan't give you a label, I receive enough hate mail as it is lol.

Okay so I'm not rich, right?.......wrong.... according to Sparkey* and 9 of its users. I woke up to a message in my hotmail inbox. Dear Miss Definitely Maybe, This is a summary of reasons that people gave when asked "Why would you date Miss Definitely Maybe ?" 1. hot (138 votes) 2. cute (49 votes) 3. fashionable (23 vote) 4. rich (9 vote) . Really???????!!! 9 guys would be willing to date me only coz of my perceived wealth???? I mean I know I am an incredibly sexy, hot, intelligent good looking mama, who would definitely make the thehappygoluckybachelor's Stunnas of the Month List if only i was willing to submit my portfolio (lol there is no shame in honesty, don't hate the genes......). I mean I have heard about a gold digging dude or two but 9???!! Don't get me wrong I'm all for equal opportunity dating and all, hell men have as much God given gold digging rights as us the fairer sex, jus as long it ain't no man of mine or my money they doing their digging at lol.....coz there ain't enough of it.....to....share. What with my shoe buying and shoe buying and shoe buying? I ain't Oprah n*$$as, I hold down a 9 to 5!!!

I'm not sure how this 'gold digging' dating thing would work though. Do i have to drive him to work then pick him up again? Take him and his friends to the movies and pay for all their corn? Will it be mandatory to take him shopping on Saturdays and pay his mobile pone bill even if 3/4 of the calls are to his friends? Do I have to help him out with his rent, treat his brothers and buy drinks for 10 of his friends in the club? Do i take him for dinner and he shows up with an entourage and I'm still expected to foot the bill? Do I have to buy him Valentine, Birthday and anytime presents that are better than all of his friends'? Am i expected to turn up at his door with flowers and candy or send him on 6 figure sum costing holidays around the world just so i can be labelled romantic? I'm not stingy at all, I'm damn well overly generous with a whole lotta sh*t in a relationship, quadruple orgasms, toe curling 'sutra' , there's a whole loada honey in this kitty Kat and I'm all for sharing (lol don't hate.....jus practice the yoga/pilate's) but when it comes to finances I only have one motto, 'If it don't pay interest then don't invest in it period.'

Truly some of this sh*t is enough to turn a sister gay...... or NOT..... becoz historically women are worse than guys when it comes to gold digging and its leaching practices. According to a biased, inaccurate, totally unreliable and grossly inaccurate survey I carried out (in my head) for every 9 gold digging sparkey using dudes there are probably 900 gold digging sparkey using females allegedly disguised among its 9000 strong black independent women.... So Sparkey if you are listening forget the good man or woman but just send me a rampant rabbit... Date me coz I'm rich??? How about Date me NOT!!!!!!

The Rottweiler ate my Valentine................

2009-02-22T21:44:00.004Z

So... I have been AWOL for nearly a month now, not that any of you noticed.......... bloody traitors!!!!! You would have thought that by now, all of you would have carried out a fine tooth comb search of all the major mortuaries, intensive care units and ER departments........ Not that you would have found me, but you might have caught a glimpse of my 'supposed to have been' Valentine with half of his muscular, toned, sexy thigh ripped out, and a drip hanging out of his incredibly sexy 'kiss me again and again' absolutely sinful lips.

That's because the idiot had the bad sense to choose to get his leg mauled by a Rottweiler on Valentines day......how absolutely selfish and inconsiderate, One would have thought a true gentleman would have wined and dined her royal highness Miss DM, presented her with a box heaving with carats from Tiffany's then escorted her home in the Lamborghini and only there after would a true gentleman have chosen to give a hungry Rottweiler a mouthful of thigh to feast on. You wouldn't blame me for thinking the idiot did that on purpose, some men will do anything to get out of showing a lady some much deserved romance and affection, even if it means forcing open the mouth of some poor Rottweiler and manually clamping its resistant fangs round a meaty thigh.

Men are soooooo capable of such underhand dealing. I remember this hot shot doctor at my sister's hospital, promised to wine her and dine her at some fancy upmarket restaurant on a non occasion(this was the point she should have been suspicious, men don't even do occasions) The dude pulls out all stops, orders celebratory champagne even though there was nothing to celebrate, and just as the £235 bill gets slapped on the table, dude takes a spoonful of dessert, starts choking, eyes rolling, his whole life flashing before his very eyes, had to be taken to hospital in some ambulance, but not before the mean waiter made my sister pay the bill by visa, some people have no compassion, you would think in light of the medical emergency, the stupid restaurant would have let the celebratory champagne, oysters and caviar slide on the house, but no they had to have a payment, apparently dude had a peanut allergy and didn't know the dessert contained nuts (that's despite the clear warning on the menu next to the ice cream which read 'may contain nut traces'), I can bet a million dollars (I'm yet to win on the Lotto) that the selfish so and so did that on purpose, probably decided he would rather take his chances with his maker than fork out £235 on a dinner without the remote possibility of getting 'some' later that night........ Okay maybe that wasn't on purpose but you do get my drift.

So I spent the remainder of Valentines Day alone at home, after spending the entire afternoon at the Trauma Unit (don't know who was more traumatised the Rottweiler or my idiotic Valentine. I asked the ward nurse if when he had come in,he had a tiny blue box in his possession, but she looked at me with a blank stare, which made me realise that not only had I been over ambitious in my gift expectations but that the poor b*tch had never heard of Tiffany's and its limitless extortionately priced possibilities....apparently neither had my so called Valentine....he had the additional bad taste of buying me a card post Valentines asking me 'to be his valentine', a card????!!!!!!!! Had i known I would not have trekked to the hospital in sub zero temperatures to see his ass.what did he mean by 'be my valentine'? The fact that I was expecting something more weighty and pricey from Tiffany's should have already clued him to the fact that i was already regarding myself as his valentine. Cards are for funerals, or funerals or multi funerals, for everything else there is MasterCard, or Visa or American Express. I ain't no gold digger but surely anything which costs less than a Starbucks latte does not constitute a gift....which is why next year I will have a Valentines Registry like they do for weddings...As for my supposed Valentine, I wish the Rottweiler had not ripped out his muscular, toned and incredibly sexy thigh but swallowed his card buying self WHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!

Free Noodles, Skinny B*tches & Money Induced Orgasms

2009-02-01T22:43:00.003Z

I nearly had a multiple orgasm whilst standing in line to get free noodles and rice crackers at the newly opened Shimla Pink (Chinese restaurant) just down my street. No i wasn't having sex with some random stranger in the queue jus to pass the time, it was because I Miss Definitely Maybe saw my very first Bugatti Veyron in the flesh, I mean on the road kind of in the flesh and not in some swanky showroom, car show or front pages of Motoring Today. I swear my knees buckled, my stomach did funny little flips and i felt waves of pleasure, that was my first money induced orgasm there and then.

I have never been aggressive when it comes to man hunting, but i nearly whipped off my panties, pushed up my boobs and swore under my breath 'n*gga if you so much as look my way I'm soooooooo gonna do you tonight'......and I was gonna...do him..... like my life depended on it. I haven't been laid in a loooong time and what better way to bring my sexy back than at the back seat of an £800 000 motor f*cking a man who is probably worth 100 times the cost of the said motor. I mean I ain't no gold digga (if my dating record is anything to go by) in fact I love my broke brothers but hey 1998 Honda Accord versus 2007 Bugatti Veyron that's definitely a no brain-er, never mind that said owner of both Bugatti and restaurant was a 40 something, probably midlife crisis undergoing, pot belled dude(he looked like he was hiding more noodles under his sweater than they were giving free at the counter)......I was still going to do him.

So there i was standing in queue, revising my game plan, no longer salivating at the prospect of free noodles and prawn crackers but the chance to tattoo my bottom on those heated leather seats, having hot steamy sex against some classical music background (rich people listen to such nonsense right???), when some skinny bitch appears out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong I have nothing but respect for them skinny bitches, I mean anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect. I used to think my game was tight, I mean I'm a healthy UK size 10/12 (emphasis on healthy) who has tried all fad diets under the sun to become a slightly skeletal more defined cheekbones and slightly protruding ribcage size 8 and failed miserably so you can understand what i mean when I say i have nothing but respect for those size zero skinny bitches.

Anyway so said skinny bitch walks right up to the door spends 3 or 6 minutes chit chatting with pot belled dude, about the restaurant/free noodles (as if she has ever in her 30 or so years passed a calorie of carbohydrates between those size zero lips of hers), then said skinny bitch brazenly asks to see the motor and before you could say 'hot steamy sex with size zero skinny bitch' pot belled dude was giving his stack of promotional leaflets and instructions to lock up to a probably Honda 1997 driving minion and leading said skinny bitch to the front passenger heated leather seats, and zooming off into the sunset with classical music probably playing in the background. Okay it was 2pm on a cold and frosty afternoon so that sunset was probably a figment of my imagination but damn those skinny bitches sure got game, and she didn't have to whip off her panties, suck in her stomach or push up her boobs, that's why I have nothing but respect for those size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches.

Lights, Camera, Penis ...........Idiots!!!!!

2009-01-25T21:36:00.004Z

To all those bubble bursting so and so's (Shubby, Clnmike, Aloofar included) who claimed my 'almost' moment didn't count, I have decided to withhold the juicy details, now we will see if my almost moment isn't a big deal after all ha ha ha ha whose laughing now (LMAO!!!) I'm not completely heartless though, so in compensation I will tell you about some rather idiotic incident that happened a while ago. I know i wasn't born an idiot, I cried when the midwife slapped my bottom, I took to breastfeeding like I had read the manual, I never tried to taste my poo poo like the whole bunch of you when you were kids, and the only subject in which i had to cheat at exams was Maths, so I'm convinced that my transition to idiocy most have happened overnight i probably got struck struck by lightening and in a flash turned from reasonably intelligent to thick, for how else would you explain the episode that happened below?

PS: names have not been changed to protect the identity of the two idiots involved.

(its 11pm, I'm bored, in bed alone twiddling my thumbs, tryin unsuccessfully to count sheep when my phone rang)
ms DM: hello
Spence (idiot 1) : hey Miss DM its been ages
(now me and Spence have been friends since forever, we grew up together)
ms DM (idiot 2): hey Spence, where have you been hiding?
***insert plenty of small talk***

Mr idiot 1: I'm bored
Ms idiot 2: me too (note to self an idle mind is the devil's workshop)

(Ms idiot 2 starts giggling)
Idiot 1: hey idiot 2 whats funny

idiot 2: nothing idiot 1
Idiot 1: come on idiot 2 we have been friends for ages, why are you laughing

Idiot 2, its nothing i swear (idiot 2 starts giggling again)
Idiot 1, now that's really unfair coz i think you laughing at me

Idiot 2: don't be silly, okay I was just thinking back when we were all kids and we used to show each other our bits (insert more giggling here)
Idiot 1:(insert a lot of laughing out loud) we were stupid then, but then we were young and innocent

Idiot 2 : well I'm still young and innocent.
Idiot 1, ha ha ha ha so you are saying you would still show your bits?

Idiot 2, if i wanted to yes, now wouldn't it be funny if we compared our bits sought of like before and after (more foolish giggling)
Idiot 1: LOL that would be funny

idiot 2: show me yours
Idiot 1: are you crazy how??????????

idiot 2: just show me.......send me a picture message or something and i will send you one
Idiot 1: lol okay hold on

Idiot 2: seriously?????????
Idiot 1, yeah why not we are friends aren't we ?

idiot 2, (insert more foolish giggling )am waiting
Idiot one: have you received it yet?

idiot 2 : still waiting.......
idiot 2: hold on I have a text message (starts giggling)
Idiot 2: i cant believe you actually sent it ha ha ha ha

idiot 1: what you laughing at? I'm more than averaged sized
idiot 2 :yes its very big but this is really naughty (not to mention incredibly foolish)

idiot 1: I'm waiting.........its your turn
idiot 2: say what????????????????????????

idiot 1: well we have a deal, you said show me and i will show you, so its your turn
idiot 2: (don't insert any more giggling, just a really uncomfortable silence) errrrrrrrrrrrrr but..

idiot 1: Idiot 2 don't you try and play me now.
idiot 2: my phone camera ain't working plus the lighting in here ain't good

idiot 1 : ( starts hurling abuse) you ain't playing fair
idiot 2: am sending , have sent (sent a blank pic)
idiot 1 (hurls abuse, loads of F words, C words and B words)you are a spoilt bitch, selfish c*nt, you feasted on my shit now you don't want to keep your end of the deal

idiot 2 N*gga i cant possibly show you my thing
idi0t 1 why the hell not

idiot 2: what if i get recognised,
idiot1: so you get recognised by your p*ssy now????? I'm not asking for a face jus your p*ssy dammit!!!!!!(insert loads of shouting)

Idiot 1 demands his pic back, which i resend, but then phones to say how does he know i deleted it from my phone, and that I have probably forwarded it to my friends and sh*t, he hurls some more abuse, (i hurl my own abuse) then he says he doesn't want to speak to me again and slams the phone down. (Idiot 2 has just lost a friend.)

WHY, HOW two adults over the age of 26 could absolutely engage in such foolishness I don't know but all i know is........... Hi my name is Ms DM and I'm an utter numpty.

Almost Doesn't Count ..........

2009-01-18T20:32:00.001Z

This past weekend, I almost got laid..........

BUT

Almost Doesn't Count, Right?????

well in this instance

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the END.

or is this........................

the beginning...............

Why I should join Alcoholics R Us ............

2009-01-06T01:25:00.007Z

I have done so many things these past two weeks that I ought not to, that its a miracle that the good Lord has not struck me with lightening in disgust (and no this is not a laughing out loud matter either) anyway this Cinderella lost her glass slipper but the not so careful Prince Charming in his haste to run after her, tripped, fell and broke the damn slipper (unfortunately the fairy godmother forgot to give our Cindy an instruction manual on what happens in such a situation and until she does.....)well thats a story for another day. As promised I have posted the results of my alcaholic anon quiz. But i was still quite drunk when i took it so my answers are probably seriously flawed.

Rules
This simple quiz may help you answer the question, “Am I an alcoholic?” Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer.

Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised with liver disease?
No. definitely not. You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or when the hangover hurts so bad you call in sick for work and it's made you so stupid you use "something escaped at the zoo so I had to help catch it" as an excuse again.

3.Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?
Definitely not!!!!!!!!!!! But I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch. (No)

4. At your neighbourhood bar: Do they know you by the name on your licence/fake ID, know your usual drink and who to call when you pass out?
I don't have a 'usual' drink, the usual changes according to the time of the month (in relation to pay day), how broke I am or who is paying so the answer is NO.

5. You generally hang out with drinkers you met at a pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores or have bartenders and waitresses as your friends?
Okay this is stupid who at 26 'still hangs out'? I socialise, I 'entertain' and I have a tete a tate's but i do not hang out, that's for teenagers. So NO

6.Given a choice you would rather never ever drink water mixed with worms than a drink containing more than 40% alcohol?
Actually I would rather drink the worm infested water provided the worms are germs and they are actually invisible to the naked eye, or better still I would rather drink the worm infested water mixed with 40% alcohol so NO I do not choose the alcohol over the worms I would rather have both.

9. You've learned to act sober even when you are gone with the wind
no when I'm gone with the wind (drunk) I act like I'm gone with the wind. trying to act sober requires too much effort which i could really put towards getting even wasted so the answer again is no.

7. You are comfortable sitting alone and drinking whether at home or the pub especially when you are really depressed ?
No. I never drink alone because I'm too stingy to buy my own round, and technically in a pub you can never drink alone, coz there will be other drinkers even though they are not sat at your table. So NO

8. You drink all week and take a day off to recuperate
No i never drink all week but i can drink in one day what one is supposed to drink in a week (i drink a week's alcohol allowance in a day then take the whole week to recuperate but that was not the question was it , so NO

10. Can you drive better drunk than you can sober ?
Well I have never entered a do you drive better drunk or sober contest to check my driving skills so I could not accurately answer this question. However I have never had an accident driving sober or drunk so using simple logic this would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are similar so NO.

11.Every morning you wake up with a curiosity of the night before and a headache
No not every morning, who wakes up with a headache every morning? surely you would have gone to see your GP ages ago or be registered disabled by now and besides I wake up not wanting to remember the previous night instead of being curious about it so the answer is NO.

12. You drink whenever you can but will occasionally decide that a sober night with your honey might be cool ?
This question is irrelevant because I do not have a 'honey' (yuck ). so i would have to answer NO

14. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons none of which include drinking. In actual fact drinking makes my home life actually seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (PS: what do you mean home life though?, if you live alone with your three cats does that still constitute a home life?)

15. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
NO for that to happen I would need to have a reputation in the first instance. I was born without a reputation or have completely tarnished it into non existence, So the answer is NO

16. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?
NO I really wish people would mind their own business ALL the time and not just in relation to my drinking. in fact I wouldnt mind them being all up in my drinking bizz if that meant they would stay out of my other work/home/lifestyle/and work related bizzness. So the answer is NO.

17. Do you sometimes “skip” breakfast or lunch so that you’ll have more money to spend on drinks?
NO I earn enough to be able to have breakfast and lunch and then go out for drinks too so the answer is NO

18. In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you’ve gotten overexcited?
They concede my points because my points make sense, and I'm convincing, besides until I have the stamina of Mike Tyson I would never be confident enough to try and attempt to 'deal with' people so the answer is NO.

19. You are always drunk and can no longer handle your drink?
NO I can definitely handle my drink. To illustrate this point more clearly last night I had --- bottles of Asti and my sober aunt told me this morning "you didn't seem drunk at ALL." So the answer is NO.

20. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
I always get drunk on purpose. so again NO.

21.Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
Please refer to question 17, but in case you need further clarification, No i was already in financial difficulties way before I started drinking. Also when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of getting into financial difficulties I am wise enough to put away my wallet and blag rounds of friends or stupid male losers who actually think i will end up going home with them that night. So the answer is NO.

22. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
LOL I wish I could answer yes to this one coz it would be funny if my friends who happen to be my drinking companions read this. But what do you mean lower companions? is this like people poorer than me? in less well to do jobs? or is it a politically correct term to refer to prostitutes? The answer is still no, I am definitely open and adventurous when it comes to sexing and willing to try anything (well almost) but I'm yet to visit a gigolo (maybe I'm jus stingy and have been managing to get sex for free so far so why start paying?) so again NO.

23.Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
No I would never put my friends and family through risks they are not willing to take. If I'm going to drive with my toes when drunk, or if its at 145miles an hour I will ask if they are willing to be in the car and will carry out a thorough risk assessment before hand (i.e ask if they are wearing their seat belts) so the answer is no. However I have nearly burnt the house down once but the family were away on vacation hence it doesn't count as their welfare was not present for me to be careless about. So NO.

24.Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If everyday at exactly 12:34pm you craved a drink that would be pretty weird wouldn't it? I have occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 12pm sometimes at 8pm sometimes at 3am and sometimes at 7:30am. I'm yet to crave a drink everyday at the same time so the answer is NO.

25.Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No actually drinking makes me sleep better. I go out on a Friday night and sleep the whole weekend through from Saturday to Monday morning just recuperating coz i will be feeling like shyt so NO i do not have difficulty sleeping after i drink.

26. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
I do not understand this question but will endeavour our to answer it as well as I can. I have never been energy efficient,I don't recycle and I always dry my clothes in the drier so no my energy efficiency has not decreased. If you mean efficiency at work you best asking my manager but in imho(in my honest opinion) I have never been efficient at my work, the only thing that stops me being fired is my lecherous boss. So the answer is NO

27. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Now this is just ridiculous how would i know I have had a complete memory loss if i had a complete memory loss? seriously ARE YOU DRUNK????? But just for the record I have had a partial memory loss like forgot where my house was but get the street right so NO i have never experienced complete memory loss.

28. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
No never, I have never had an illness called 'drinking' is that similar to the flu? So again NO.

29. You are definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?
Definitely not. If anything I'm more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities and will carry on as before, so NO.

30. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
What do you mean institution? Is this college or university or you mean like mental institution? Well I got news for you, if its the latter they would have to catch me first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been in a hospital but not because I was drinking. I have been in a hospital because someone who was drinking whacked a glass bottle over my friend and i was the unfortunate b**st*rd who had gone out with her and there was no one else in the vicinity so i couldn't leave her bleeding self lying on the damn concrete could I? So yes I have been in a hospital on account of drinking but just not my own. Yes

Scoreboards *
If you have 0- 1 it is relatively safe for u to be heading towards the drinks cabinet,
2-3 watch that drink buddy and joining the gym to get rid of that beer belly/gut/love handles/stretchmarks wont hurt!!
4-5 You are most likely to be an alcoholic, if this diagnosis is inaccurate you were probably one in your previous life.
6 -10 yes and above, please join your nearest AA meeting immediately.
10 and above, i would have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as inciting someone to commit suicide which is a federal offence and I'm unwilling to go to prison on your account. Enough said.

My Score
Hippee 1 yes and 29 NO's. so its confirmed, contrary to what my mum, pastor, doctor and everyone else who knows me thinks, I Miss DM am definitely NOT an alcoholic!!!!! this calls for a celebration anyone care to join me at the pub to celebrate??? the first 80 rounds are on me. LOL

* the questions are real but the scoreboard is not. I would have wished you all happy new year but you've probably been wished that so many times that its beginning to do your head in.....so please just have a drink on my behalf coz im planning to spend the rest of the year stone cold sober.

The Morning After, the Night Before .........

2008-12-27T00:01:00.001Z

Damn,I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, it was like a terrible untalented loud ass rock band was practising in my head. The 21st birthday party was on Christmas eve, technically I went, but i didn't attend (confusing I know, but that's a story for another day). I stayed up all night waiting for Santa with my bottles of Asti (note the plural) and got sloshed, I mean stone drunk. Its a good thing my two 'audiences' were asleep.

I ended up doing what I always do when I'm drunk........ (which I'm not going to tell you coz you would probably kill me (for throwing my sanity outta the window in an 'i know I'm going to regret this in the morning but what the heck' kind of way)trust me I'm equally mortified, but do i regret it?....Not yet (coz I'm still not clear what actually happened). Which is why I think i need to stop drinking c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y coz clearly even having a drink once every six months is not working. So i decided to take an 'are you an alcaholic quiz lol' all i will say is "interesting results" will probably post my answers up when i get writers block.

Now that confession time is over, can I make an announcement to all those who buy;
a)knitwear,
b)cheap ass beauty stuff like bath salts, lotions, gels, which are more likely than not to give you rashes and pimples,
c)anything out of the pound shop or anything that looks as if is from the pound shop
d) food in isolation(this includes chocolates, sweets, fruit baskets)
e) outdated electrical stuff such as a play station 1, cameras that still take film, video players etc
f) anything else that ought to make this list but I didn't think about
when it comes to buying Christmas presents...newsflash... "its not only the thought that counts!!!"

My secret Santa at work bought me a cheap ass prezzie I think Santa went to pound-land, i am so disgruntled, I put so much effort in what i bought, I'm glad Santa was anonymous otherwise ....lets just say this would have been his last winter lol yeah am that pissed off about it!!!!!!!!. Personally (i don't know about any one else) I would rather have an expensive Balenciaga bag (Santa hint hint) which has been totally bought on the spur of the moment without any real 'thought' than two plastic plates that have been bought after careful consideration.... that's just me unfortunately I'm shallow like that.

My aunt wins a mini hoover at a Christmas party, so she phones me up and asks if i would like a hoover for my car, so me not being able to pass on freebies was like 'yes please', she says 'cool that is what is your Christmas prezzie,' at this point i do a double take, I will be damned if i accept a mini vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I wait the whole year for Santa only for him to come thru my chimney trudging a hoover? WTF!!!!! I said 'eeerrrr no thanks I will be honoured if thy shalt not give me thy hoover for Christmas,' so she's promised me something else, but she huffed and puffed (in a harmless way lol) that I, like Scrooge lacked a bit of Christmas spirit coz its the thought that counts. I mean don't give me all that bull about the thought counting (absolutely no thought what so ever went into this, she won it in a lucky dip remember), so what if that particular one was expensive, a hoover is always a hoover, damn even my mama still gets lingerie for Christmas lol.

Some people should just know when to shut the F up!!!!. Take my boss for instance, on Wednesday we happened to meet in the corridor just as I'm about to enter into the 'ladies/ lavatory/ the bathroom/ the toilet/ the powder room/ the washroom (delete as appropriate depending in which country you are in lol). Anyway he says 'do you have a minute?' (now what kind of question is that to ask someone standing at the door of a lavatory?) so I'm like 'not really, give me a minute' (coz i needed to 'go' I have one of the weakest bladders on planet earth) but he says 'oh this will only be a minute,' so i say 'sure'(and he rattles on and on about a case I'm currently working on) and this point im crossing my legs (coz its THATS bad) but he doesn't stop, I'm tryna interrupt but the fool keeps talking, so i put my hand on the door handle thinking he would get the hint but does he stop? No, the minute he said he was going to take becomes five, ten or 3 hours (according to my bladder anyway), so i open the main door into the ladies and kinda put one foot in (so that he could pointedly see that i now had to go) but he drones on and on, he just has no clue (the same goes for his managerial skills) and this point I'm just about to pee in my pants, so i say look i will speak to you later okay, and he has the nerve to say I'm nearly done jus gimme a second, i just make a dash for the nearest cubicle and even as i closed the door i heard him yell something else which sounded like 'Do you want me to leave the file on your desk so you can check the scro paperwork before we shut down for Christmas?' I'm like, wtf does this fool expect to carry on with this conversation whilst I'm peeing too????

On a totally random but randy note, am watching this movie where they are making Johnny upstairs seem like an amateur ....I s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y need air, its not easy trying to be celibate, 'if true love waits' then true love needs to get its behind here asap lol. Most of the times I'm kinda into 'not getting any' but on nights like this......sweet Jesus....its just temptation, temptation, temptation. So Santa if you are reading this please hurry up with those giant ear muffs AND true love...in fact if you are going to deliver the true love in time for this Christmas season you might as well forget those giant ear muffs cause i plan to give Johnny and his girl upstairs a ride for their money coz they sure ain't the only ones with vocal chords lol.

Im not the mushy type but to all my blogville family, happy holidays and a big thank you for keeping me sane even when my world felt like a sanitorium. Love you all.......thats enough mushiness, lemme get back to my movie.........

Liar Liar, Pants on fire

2008-12-20T12:53:00.002Z

Wahala wont leave me alone oh!!!!!! My former best friend (the one i stopped hanging out with coz she was too much of a ho for my liking and her unscrupulous reputation was now threatening to shadow and subsequently dilute my own clean cut girl next door image) is now dating HIM. (you can read about him in that link)

men are sooooooo fickle, to think that it was only yesterday when he was planning a romantic break with me to Paris. Were it not for the inconvenience of a new job and lack of time off ............. okay that's a lie cause I would never have gone with him he is too much trouble for my delicate heart. But anyway my question is (mainly to the men up in here) if you were seriously chasing a chicca and she keeps saying no outright what is a decent mourning period before chasing another girl that she may or may not know about? b) I have learnt that x's should not be passed on to friends but what can be said about x best friends and guys who tried their luck and failed, what does the friendship/relationship manual got to say about that one??????

Anyway I went to her place to pick up the rest of my stuff left over from 'the best friend days' and the whole flat was swarming in roses and Lilly's. Seriously it was as if you walked into a Macy's type departmental store only difference would be this would sell only flowers. Now I'm always one for juicy gossip so I'm like 'oh new suitor' and she blah blahed and mumbled something like 'M gave them to me as a moving home gift' i was like oh really I didn't know you and M were cool like that, and she was like oh we just hang and i was like oh cool but deep down i was thinking 'that's sure a lot of flowers, for jus hanging, damn if those Lilly's are just for 'hanging out' what would he give someone he touched first let alone third base with'.....but i said nothing I just picked up my stuff and left.

So after church last weekend, I decided to pick up some last minute Christmas presents and who do i bump into M and the ex best friend hand in hand, with a Hermes bag draped casually around her arm. i jus knew it had to be true, the part of my heart currently reserved for all things sinfully expensive (which includes designer bags) cried a few silent tears lol. they convince me into having some sort of brunch. So the two idiots are making a complete fool out of me touching underneath the table and shiiiiii. I pretend not to notice but he's acting like he is doing it on purpose kind saying to me 'yeah you could have had all of this ' he was really rubbing it in like oh we going to France for a friends holiday do you want to come, blah blah blah. and they are still claiming to be friends..... liar liar someone's pants should be scotching hot by now. I dont mind (seriously) if they are dating, his rich (i love all things sinfully expensive) but his too much of a player (hence not my type), but i just wish they could be a bit more upfront about things coz there is nothing to hide. To be honest those two truly deserve each other (in a not so good way lol)

Anyway the real drama happened yesterday there I am in Morrison's doing my last minute shopping (who am i kidding I shop all the time) and who do i bump into ..... yes M and some seemingly pregnant white chick(or she was just fat with a huge potbelly) canoodling at the cheese counter I do a double take (chick has an identical hermes Bag to my ex best friend, this boy must be buying in bulk lol) but I jus say hi and go about my biz (this is M we talking about). M calls me up this morning and says blah blah blah can i not tell my ex best friend about this blah blah blah and I'm like in the sweetest voice ever ..."Now why would i want to do that, after all you two are just really good friends aren't you ? " (and hang up on his stupid ass, mschewwwwwww)

Its my sisters 21st birthday on Wednesday, and she's having a party at her house, I cant wait. Its been a good 6 months since i last had some wine......so I'm saving up all my calories to enjoy some Asti this Wednesday....I deserve it!!!!!!

'Only a fool breaks his own heart'

2008-12-13T23:36:00.003Z

I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish. But occasionally if i was to rate my behaviour on a scale of 1-10, 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly foolish, well I guess would rate at about 9.6 (and that's me being incredibly lenient with myself lol).I have learnt through the events of the past three weeks that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and just becomes plain foolishness/stupidity especially when the shared thing in question is called a man.

I have always had this annoying (now I realise incredibly foolish) habit of trying to push my ex boyfriends on to my friends. I guess I had some warped philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me but right for one of my friends then it wasn't a pointless 5 months, 1 year or 3 year but that God was using me for some higher cause and it wasn't my flaws that pushed him away (hey i did mention warped didn't I lol).

anyway so two weeks ago i decided to try and force an X of mine onto a friend, now normally this has never worked for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would
a) want a girlfriend hooked up by their x who may or may not have a vendetta
b) want a man who is their friends reject, coz why else would he have been dumped if he didn't have a million and one flaws?
c)this screams desperation and no one wants to be seen as desperate (even if they are really desperate).
But on this occasion luck (so i thought then) was on my side. Friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and X boyfriend.......well i didn't know much about x boyfriend we stopped talking (or rather i stopped taking his calls) many moons ago.

Anyway so i spend the whole day and most of the evening extolling the virtues of the X boyfriend. I lied, i exaggerated and i unashamedly made up information where I didn't have a clue. So it worked by the end of the evening friend of a friend was drooling at the mouth, eyes watering , savouring the thought of bagging X boyfriend. She asked me for his number and literally called him then and then, girl wasn't taking any chances, i felt like saying slow down b*tch, this ain't a rush for the last drumstick on the plate but i held my breath. So they talked the whole night, and the morning after, and the whole afternoon, it was then that i started having slight misgivings that this wasn't such a good idea after all.....but unfortunately the horse had already bolted.

Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and ask for advice tips of what he likes blah blah blah, part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing, and well the other part just really wanted to be happy for them, you know 'the whole God is using me for a higher cause bullsh*t'. the guy was pulling out all the stops, freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and sexy lingerie under pillows (got my friend to sneak it in) , handwritten notes and lil poems (okay i knew he was a hopeless romantic but WTF when did he start writing letters???I felt like picking up the phone and having a go like 'hey you never wrote to me!!!! I started having niggling doubts like 'maybe i was too hasty breaking up with the dude', 'maybe i took him too much for granted and never realised all he had to offer ' now here he was taking friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back' damn it could have been me in the cockpit of that space ship.

Friend of a friend then decided to call me, they were finally going to meet last Monday and boy was she so excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah blah (at this point I had stopped listening, all i wanted to scream was 'yeah I know all that I bloody dated the dude for a whole year remember!!!. She decides to end the call by stating 'You must be a fool to have let him go, cause he seems such an incredible guy'

Then my friend calls me, and diplomatically asks if i would get rid of the photo album as its not really appropriate for me to still keep it given the circumstances. (in case you don't know I have a whole album full of photos me and the X boyfriend took on a romantic break away. I haven't disposed of the album simply cause
a) i look stunning in all the photos lol and
b) I had fun on that holiday, an incredible time so why should i throw away all my photos coz she feels uncomfortable, hell if she was uncomfortable with me having dated him surely she should not have agreed to date him too.

Anyway so on Wednesday they met, and apparently it didn't go so well. My friend informed me that my X for some reason or other (i will not speculate lol) decided that all he wanted was just to be friends blah blah blah. the calls have nearly all but stopped, there are no more chocolates or poems under her pillow, guess she will have to wear the sexy lingerie for someone else( lol am not gloating but if truth be told im incredibly relieved). Needless to say now friend of a friend and my friend were mad at me, apparently they think i set her up or something. She was ranting on the phone to me ' you knew he was an ass why were you hooking me up blah blah' (talk about being ungrateful, was she not the one a few days ago claiming that I was a fool to let him go??

I haven't cried in a long time but I cried when i got off the phone, not because I still love him, its strange i never really loved the guy, nor did i want him back, nor does he make my list of the top boyfriends ever to grace the earth, but i cried all the same. I cried coz of my photo album, I cried coz this situation was becoming incredibly complicated, i cried coz i realised that only a fool by her actions breaks her own heart. I'm genuinely sorry for her though cause i too thought that they had a good thing going (I cried remember) but on a positive note at least I get to keep my photo album lol.

Anyway we are somewhat cool now. We all met yesterday and were able to laugh it off somewhat. But never again will I attempt to do something so foolish as to try and hook up my friends with an X boyfriend, coz ..........................

ps: Santa please hurry with those giant ear muffs, Johhny and his girlfriend are now invading my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a knock knock joke .........

2008-12-03T23:55:00.004Z

So yesterday evening I get a knock on my door and its Addicted my neighbour from downstairs. Now I secretly call him addicted coz he is addicted to weed, women and loud reggae music (I'm not sure in which order they come but he has been known to experience all his three pleasures simultaneously, that's how addicted he is. Anyway addicted lands on my doorstep wanting to do some borrowing or two.

Apparently he is entertaining (i bet you all know what that means) he offered his special guest some tea and when he went to look into the cupboard he realised F*%$k his run out of teabags and the corner shops are all closed so would i be kind enough to lend him a tea bag or two (in case she drinks like an elephant and asks for another cuppa or two) In my head I'm thinking WTF n*gga have you been smoking too much weed, what kind of a knock knock joke is this sh*t, me and this n*gga aren't even on talking terms even though we do listen to the same radio(his loud ass reggae music) ? But dude is dead serious, so I'm like why didn't you jus say u've run out? and he gives me this look as if to say 'are you for real, and lose out on the opportunity to get laid, hell I would rather embarrass myself by asking a random neighbor for teabags than miss out on potentially great sex'.

I spend a few minutes ramaging in my kitchen cupboard (i drink coffee and herbal teas only) and I manage to find exactly 12 teabags left. I'm doing a mental calculation of how many teabags can I give him without seeming stingy, as I am debating whether 3/4 or 7 is ideal, Addicted is shouting from the doorway, 'oh please can you hurry up coz she will wonder where I've gone to'. I am thinking this is plan ridiculous and just give him all the 12 tea bags. So now i am teabag less. the boy has the cheek to promise to pay me back, as if i will be knocking on his door anytime soon asking for my 12 teabags back...........maybe i ought to and ask for a drop of cooking oil whilst im at it lol

So I was telling my friend today what happened and we started talking about some of the most bizarre/ outrageous things we have ever been asked to lend or we have borrowed in the past she proceeded to tell me that when she was at university she used to borrow her best friends vibrator and just put a condom on top of it. somebody say ewwww ewwww ewwwwww ewwww on my behalf please!!!!!!! My point was its dirty, unhygienic, and just proper disgusting, her argument is that she washed the vibrator before and then put a condom on it, which is just the same as sleeping with a guy who has slept with someone else, but even better as she can not get HIV from it. I get her point but that's just taking borrowing to a whole new level.....can somebody say ewwwwww ewwww ewwwww again!!!!!!

So what are some of the crazy things you have been asked to lend or you have borrowed in the past.......please don't say a vibrator or teabags lol.

No Sex in this City ................

2008-11-24T23:17:00.000Z

There should be a law against having wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind blowing sex (yes Sho' am talking to you lol), particularly if you live in an apartment above someone who isn't getting any, or hasn't been getting any for a while. Surely its just good neighbourliness, it makes sense, in the same way as you wouldn't eat your KFC bucket with extra large fries and two large sides in front of starving kids at a refugee camp in Somalia.

Okay bad analogy cause I'm not starving, 'starving' would mean that I am hungry yet no 'food' is available, which is not true coz the 'food' can be made available yet I'm choosing not to eat lol maybe I'm becoming sexnorexic. But seriously its been exactly 9 months since I last got laid. The first 4 of those were hell, mainly because I was still in a long distance relationship and I missed my man so much going to bed alone was intolerable, so to make me feel better we had more phone sex during those 4 months than the rest of Holland put together, I use Holland as an example coz the rest of Europe is ultra conservative. The last 5 months have been completely erotic free, meaning no sex, no alternatives to sex, no plans to get sex and very little thoughts about sex lol. Its kinda like being on a diet, the first 3 weeks are hard work (apparently it takes that long for your pallet to change)and then afterwards you get used to the 'diet' it becomes a routine, second nature, you wonder how a few months back you could possibly eat cream cakes 3 times a day, or wake up in the middle of the night for a banana or two?

So having successfully managed to keep my apartment a 'sex free zone' for 5 months running, you can imagine my frustration of having to endure night after night of 'oh Johnny oh Johnny ha ha ha oh Johnny Johnny ha ha ha Johnny oh Johnny ohhh ha ha ha johnny Johnny oh oh ha ha ha....... seriously how many times can one say Johnny in a minute followed by laughter then thuds, rattling more ha ha has a few Johnny's' a couple of oohs more rattling or ha ha has then a few high pitched Johnny's' then comes my favourite part of the evening.....silence, total silence. Five months is a long time in Sex-land so maybe am a bit out of touch but since when has sex become so funny that one has to say an average of 20 ha ha Ha's a minute? I know for definite that Johnny upstairs ain't no Chris Rock, he's an Electrician by trade lol so naturally i'm curious as to the cause /source of those ha ha Ha's......anyone with a hyperactive imagination to help me out?

So when was the last time you had noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex? (and please no answers on postcards, keep it to yourselves thank you!). But seriously who ever told people that making more noise or making the apartment expierence a mini earthquake(all the rattling and shaking) means you are enjoying it a whole lot? Once upon a time, in an era long gone, the most I could manage if i was really enjoying myself were one syllable words, anything longer meant my mind wasn't yet blown away lol.I'm not hating on my horny neighbours upstairs, or cussing the building company for making low quality apartments with paper thin walls, all i'm saying is.....Santa for Christmas please bring me one gaint pair of ear muffs , or better still wave your magic wand so that jus for a day, today, there is no noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex in this city!!!!

Oh fragile heart of mine.......

2008-11-18T20:51:00.000Z

Oh fragile heart of mine
Licking its wounds defiantly within me
stubbornly refusing to move on
nor allow me to chose who i love or who i do not.
A heart that refuses to accept change.
I command yet it does not follow
I plead and yet it gives me no mercy
how can I force it to move on
to give up that which it holds dear
or love that which it does not?

This fragile heart of mine
its scars and wounds reminders of love battles fought and lost
A heart so bruised and sore
and yet it still holds on to a love thats lost
unwilling to move on
refusing to open up to possibilities
to wipe the slate clean so I can start again.

Dear fragile heart of mine
dont place me under lock and key.
Unlock your doors to possibilities
Many are knocking seeking to enter
and yet,
stubbornly you draw up your shutters
waiting for that familiar knock
which we both know will never come
If only you would learn from your mistakes
let go of the past so we can reach out,
reach out into a future full of loves' countless possibilities

This fragile heart of mine
A heart that loves hard, breaks easily but never forgets
wipe the slate clean so I can start again
I know life has knocked you down
But you must take a chance and spread your wings
If you afraid to try
let me lead and you can follow
and eventually we might learn to fly
oh fragile heart of mine.

The Runaway Chicken (and other misdemeanours)

2008-11-12T23:05:00.001Z

Those of you who ever lived or actually still live in Africa will be able to understand this analogy. Remember how back in the day (don't know if its still the practice) you could buy a live chicken and take it home to kill, skin and cook? remember sometimes how after looking forward to the whole 'we are going to eat chicken huha' the damn animal smells death and does a runner and those members of the household unfortunate enough to still be called kids would have to chase the damn animal across the yard until you eventually catch it or until your intended dinner escapes from the yard never to be seen again?........I wonder sometimes whether calling a coward 'chicken' was solely derived from such incidents.

To cut a boring story short, I chickened out, I dilly dallied so long making a decision that in the end there was no decision to be made. I realised that if you have to 'think' so long about being with someone no matter how loving or adorable they were, then you have no business being with them in the first instance. So I took the easy way out and did the runaway chicken on him, I feel guilty, he feels hurt he says he thought i was coming round. I have been hurt before so I try by all means to avoid hurting any other human being cause I know how it feels, so as much as the thought of being with him was an attractive prospect I don't love him, I need to totally and completely be free from any baggage from my previous relationship before i can even think of being in another relationship.

He looked at me for 10 solid minutes, ten minutes sitting opposite me not saying a word just looking at me and then he got up kissed me on the forehead and left closing the front door gently behind him but i felt as if he had banged it shut. So much was said in those 10 mins of silence then we could have said in ten minutes of conversation.So I'm officially the runaway coward a chicken. I guess as much as you cant help who you love, neither can you help who you don't love.

To those who were awaiting with bated breaths photos of the new boudoir you can now breath out. the stupid bed broke, well part of the head board that is, and no I wasn't getting down and dirty with anybody, funny thing was I was bouncing up and down the thing, you know just testing it out just in case well, what the hell I was just testing to see how strong it would be under pressure. Next thing I know the the thing snaps crack and one half of the thing lands on the floor, mschwwwwww that bed was my pride and enjoy, so I'm having to dismantle it and take it back to the damn shop, am so infuriated will have to face the humiliation of the staff looking at me with knowing eyes like they soooooo know what i did last night, If only they knew.

I went to a fortune teller a few weeks ago, actually I stumbled across her quite by accident. She had quite a few things to say to me, some ridiculous, some incredibly accurate, some bizarre and some ........and some that are best left undisclosed, will definitely blog about it sometime.

I'm not in the habit of wearing 'lucky knickers' or lucky pants, but when you have been so unfortunate in love you tend to think that actually that might not be such a bad idea after all. Picture this hot sunny day, I stop at the traffic light, car purrs up on my left, decent Audi TT drop top, 2006 registration, heart stopping eye candy of a hunk at the wheel, he smiles at me and winks suggestively I smile back, he blows me a kiss, i think that's silly I laugh, I start playing within my hair (a sure sign that I'm probably interested, I pray for the traffic light to remain red just for a bit longer, he indicates that i should follow his car, and as he points to the left, horror of horror the hunk has on a wedding ring, I'm indignant, traffic lights turn green, he zooms off, I'm left wanting to follow him so that I can give him a piece of my mind...I decide against it, serves me right for flirting with random pervs at traffic lights, note to self, next time at the lights look straight ahead !!!!!!!!!

Down on Bended knees

2008-11-03T00:10:00.006Z

"whatever I said, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, I want you back for good"
I don't remember who sang this song, but I cant help humming it as i type this post. I'm no relationship expert, certainly i have failed in that domain four times over and had it been a college course or a job I would have been permanently barred from the field due to incompetence. So you can understand why I would normally shy away from giving relationship advice. (I would normally point you in the direction of Shona or Afrobabe and leave them to the job). Okay back to my non expert advice...............listen carefully coz this will be my first and last bit of unsolicited advice......

now if you are going to break up with someone and there is even a tiny bit of chance however remote that in the distant or not too distant future you might be begging that person to take you back, then PLEASE don't use phrases like 'ugly,' 'fcuking bitch', 'i never loved you', 'I was fcuking someone else all along', 'you were sh*t in bed', 'good riddance', or 'it was jus a fling,' in your break up vocabulary coz those kind of phrases do not enhance your prospects in any way when you go back to her/him down on bended knees grovelling for a second chance (with that girl or boy who according to you was a fat ugly fcuking bitch who you never loved as it was just a fling so that's why you were fcukiing someone else all along and its good riddance ). I would advice everyone to mind their break up language cause sooner or later you will definitely come back grovelling when you discover that the grass is indeed not greener on the other side......it rarely is.(90% of the time anyway according to my own biased inaccurate and totally unreliable research lol)

anyway there is nothing as humiliating or as dehumanising as grovelling before someone who you called all sorts of names and swore that you would never ever want anything to do with even if they were the last woman on earth and the survival of mankind depended on it. Certainly talking from expirence its rather off putting to say the least. Case in point 'he whose name we do not speak' I found myself literally imprisoned at my own front door. dude was down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, grabbing at my feet, blocking the door so that I could not move, begging me to take him back. (seriously even the worst soap could not have written this into a script). I was trying to shut my door in his face, the poor guy was hanging on for dear life, had it been a movie it would have been comical to say the least starring Chris Rock , Adam Sandler or Jim Carey but trust me when its happening at your own front door there is nothing comical about it, all you wanna do is call the cops asap.

I would have, had it not been so pathetic, gone was the over confident cocky dude cruising round in his two seater merc, Life post our breakup had not been kind to him and it showed in a number of ways (I wont waste your time going over them lol) Funny how tables turn, this was the very same guy who when I eventually took the hint and broke up with him swore he would never be back, that he didn't love me anyway blah blah blah and how I should hit the road running coz he didn't give a damn.....the irony of it all......guess u wouldn't blame me then for secretly humming eminem's 'guess whose back' under my breath. I felt vindicated in a way coz whilst I had realised that I could live without him and I could do so much better, he in turn had discovered that he couldn't live without me and i was his 'everything'. To cut a long story short, I shut my door in his face, that's one guy who is never coming within a mile of my heart again, i was done with him a long time ago.Someone else asked me to take him back but that's a story for another post(I'm on a roll this month guess its something in the northern chilly air lol).

To take him back or not to take him back, that's a dilemma that faces each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. My theory is there are four different types of men who beg you to take them back.

there is the genuine type, the dude who truly realised that he made a mistake by letting you go and genuinely wants another chance to make things right, to make it work. he will fight hard to have you back and when he succeeds makes damn sure he keeps you for good.

there is the 'got nothing better to do I'm bored type', he doesn't really want you back, but he has discovered that there is nothing interesting out there, or all the single ladies are not rushing out to date him like he thought they would, so after a few weeks or months of being dateless the novelty of being single starts to wear thin and he gets disillusioned and thinks I might as well just go back to good old faithful miss DM.

the 'spiteful type' this is probably the most popular type of guy. he doesn't want you back, but he doesn't want you to be happy either. So every time you start getting back on your feet, or have one or two guys genuinely interested in you and you are starting to contemplate going out with one of them, he reappears on the scene saying how much he wants you back blah blah blah and how he made a mistake, you take him back only for him to hurt you again, and when you eventually get back on your feet he reappears again, and the same thing keeps happening again and again.

then there is Mr confuse your mind,you know the type that doesn't want you back but still wants to have sex with you. so he is kinda like blah blah lets take things slow and see how it goes. So you are not in a 'relationship' but you are sleeping together. he says he needs to sort his feelings out, figure out what he really wants but he loves you blah blah but funny how his d**k has no problem figuring out what it wants huh?So he confuses you, and you don't move on cause you are stuck in this halfway house in between being in a relationship and jus being sex buddies. 9 out of 10 times you later find out he has a new girlfriend on the side and get hurt again.

Some say that you should never get back together again with a guy whose broken your heart coz you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Others say to err is human and to forgive is divine. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer but I guess the secret to avoid being hurt again is to make sure that if ever he does come back on bended knees begging you to take him back, make sure that he is not bored, spiteful or jus trying to confuse your mind.

What The Fu*k!??!! (when love is not blind but ridiculously shortsighted)

2008-10-27T20:30:00.000Z

Have you ever thought of, met, looked at a picture of, reminisced about an x boyfriend and thought What the fcuk was i thinking dating this guy? You know, that point when your rose tinted glasses are broken/removed and you can see him clearly as the loser, jerk, lazy ass, serial cheater, violent thug, user , chancer, or good for nothing jobless sh*t that he was? Okay maybe nothing quite so drastic but you realise anyway many moons after the relationship is over that you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved and could do better? Well if you haven't, I have.

Some of them x’s are dead funny, you can laugh it off as ‘I was young and foolish’ or I didn't know better, but some of them ain't so funny, when he gets arrested for rape , or you hear he beats up his wife or he now has 6 children from 5 different baby mamas, or he is dying of HIV or its ten years down the line (since you split up) and he still cant hold down a decent job or he spends 23 hrs at the local pub stone drunk or his doing time in jail for supplying class A narcotics, then you get goosebumps on your flesh coz suddenly you think OH MY FCUKING BALLS that could have been my husband!!!!!!! It is at that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief or thank God for not always granting prayers and thank him for sometimes dragging us out of potential ‘fires’ or ‘frying pans’ even though we fervently prayed for him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part? Who knows, what type of lives we would be leading right now yoked to these WTF kind of dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone, to make things work simply because we 'love' them that we become ridiculously short sighted and live for the day forgetting to think realistically whether in reality you could actually spend the rest of your life with a man who is drunk every night or who cant hold down a steady job or who has been into bother with the law again and again. I don't believe that love is blind coz 97% of the times we are aware that he is a violent man, a drunkard, controlling etc but we just tend to brush it aside thinking he will change, its just a phase or its not really important......wait until you have three kids together who need getting fed and clothed and he spends all your income on booze or you are in the A and E night and day from the bruises that he will have given you and then you can tell me whether you still think its 'not important'. My aunt taught me something important, (not that I have always followed her advice) never date a man who you can never envisage as a potential reliable father to your 'children' Or rather do we foolishly believe that love conquers all whether that 'all' is drink, drugs, unemployment, irresponsibility, infidelity or recklessness? I must admit love does conquer some some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect 'love' to conquer.....hell even Napoleon's armies would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally I am proud of my X’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve, and the possibility that by being in their life for a year or maybe two, I might have some how contributed positively to the successful man that they have become. However I do have an X that I wish I could discount when I'm tallying up my bedpost notches, the one that I would be too embarrassed to introduce to any of my current friends real virtual or even imaginary, the one that will always make me change direction when I see him coming, the one that i try by all means possible to refer to as an old friend instead of as one of my X’s. The one who gives me a WTF moment every time I meet him, think of him, or see his picture.

My WTF X boyfriend did not do anything quite as drastic as having 6 baby mamas, do time as a guest of Her Majesty’s prison service or get arrested for a sexual offence....his crime was failing to make something of himself....okay lemme explain a Lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating I was 18 he was 19, first love first fcuk first kiss first everything, i loved him when he had nothing he loved me when I had nothing, he gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King I get mine as a support worker , 1 year down the line we still dating I get into law school he's still at the checkout in Burger King, a year later I'm in second year law school his still at the checkout in Burger King. A year later exactly 3 years since we started dating we split up nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and all but that's a story for another day.

So roughly 4yrs since i knew him I got a law degree and he was still at burger King. To cut a long story short I go off to do my postgrad studies and all and get a full time professional job dude is still at Burger King not even promoted to floor manager working with 16/17year olds a grown ass man aged 27 who has no ambition what so ever in his life (I have nothing against working at a fast food restaurant after all they to have corporate ladders that you can climb).

So every time one of my mates walk into his branch of Burger King and see my WTF dude there , they always make it a point to give me a ring to rub it in, making silly jokes like had i been married to him i would be entitled to free burgers or happy meals for nearly 9 years running and all i can think is WTF......Okay i must admit though that there was a time i didn't feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him, a time that i wanted to spend the rest of my earthly life and my eternal one as well yoked to this guy........but that is way way way back in the past and as for now all I feel when I see him, think about him or am reminded of him is What the Fcuk, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS for the record (just so that i don't get hassled by the men in here,)am sure that there are WTF kind of girls out there too.

About a boy .......................

2008-10-20T21:53:00.001+01:00

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
The sweetest man
and I want the whole world to know.....

His smile is contagious
His laugh is infectious
Im smiling again
And laughing once more
and all because I've met a boy

I love the way
he waves his dreadlocked head
and tosses his locks from side to side
his manly chest
so rippled and fit
gives me the goosebumps
I can no longer eat

I love the way he says my name
he rolls the R's and drops the Es
His soapy romantic
I swear its a dream
he loved holding my hand
as we strolled through the park.

I love the way he plays with my hair
and gives me piggy back rides
all the way from the park.

I've connected with nature
got rainbows and moonlights
sunshine in my soul
I've got butterfly flutters in ma tummy
and ants in my pants
Im convinced Im a star
see my eyes sparkle
jus coz his here.

I love the way my toes curl up
when he sings a song
strums an imiginary guitar
and does awkward impressions of Jojo the clown.
his funny
his silly
his just what I need
my first Aid box of sunshine
to heal me when blue

he makes me coacoa with extra sugar
puts silly notes through the door
sends me postcards and candy
with his favourite sweets taken out!!

he makes me laugh at the unfunniest jokes
and makes me blush the strangest of shades
his caramel lips
so tender and sweet
making me wish I could stand on tiptoe
and kiss them shut

he reads me stories at bedtime
with endings made up
of princes and fairies and kissing a frog.
he draws all my curtains
and fluffs up my pillows
he would tuck me in bed
If only I would ask.

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
My perfect man
........ and yet I havent told him so.

okay I wrote this three weeks ago, remember i told you i met a guy and promised to write about it ? well i tried to put into words what happened but i couldnt find the right words so instead I wrote a poem. I know you would probably want to know what happened next, but again can't really find the right words so wrote another poem just now.........

It should be so easy
to say yes when he says be my woman
Not to pull away when he tries to hold my hand
To let him hug me for a few seconds longer, past the point of being jus friends..
It should be so easy
To let him love me like i deserve to be loved
To let myself go, give in to the passion, the love, the warmth,
It should be so easy
To let go of the past,
To let him be strong enough for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually
To trust that he will always be here
it could be so easy
new year, new start,new man,new beginnings
all i need to do is say yes
and yet
and yet I keep saying NO.
It should be so easy
But damn, Im finding it so hard.

How NOT to Beak Up........................

2008-10-13T20:36:00.000+01:00

The last two weeks have been really quite hectic, plenty of gist and very little time.I start the new job tomorrow, ecstatic better pay, better job, better conditions in a much nicer town, what more could a girl wish for? Went to see my new workmates last week Wednesday....the jury is still out but they seemed like a pretty decent bunch
I finally went on a much needed holiday break with my sisters and my cousins and (cue drum rolls.......)i met a boy!!!!! (trust me though there was nothing boyish about him,pure undiluted heart stopping eye candy of a man, straight off the front cover of vogue/fitness today but before you get the popcorn out,nothing x rated happened but my heart still does treble flips every time i think about him lol. ( will blog about it when I get time)

I finally moved home, well moved towns and the whole experience has been amazing (save for the extortionate amount i paid the removal company etc but its good to be back close to family. ) Its also given me a plausible excuse to redecorate (well technically you cant call decorating a new house (re)decorating but I've gone all out on the painting and furnishings, my bedroom is straight out of sex and the city grand designs (will try and upload a photo.)But it seems such a shame for such a sensual erotic room to go to waste (well i have been abstaining since February) perhaps its time to break the fast lol, speaking of which temptation has been flying in from left right and centre, actually temptation is too strong a word, there have been offers to blow my mind, send me to the tenth heaven, give me the night of my dreams etc etc but am so not interested. Speaking of not being interested what's up with guys and 'wanting you back?' well actually i will leave it for my next post (well the one after the one about my 'holiday romance' without the romance lol).

About a month ago ~Sirius~ wrote a post about guys and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally I think its 'okay' for someone to leave a relationship, after all the pledge 'till death do us part' is only made at the point of marriage so at any point before that anybody whether male or female should be allowed to reconsider their options/what they are looking for coz relationships are all about searching for something and in any search you follow a few blind leads.HOWEVER (and its a big however) what I am not okay with is the manner in which most guys choose to leave. Looking at the break up experiences of friends etc these are some of the categories i came up with.....

like a thief in the night
you talked to him the previous night, he promised to pass by the next day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day , or the next or the weekend he doesn't turn up, you try and call him his phone goes unanswered, you call his friends they are all being evasive, he doesn't call he doesn't pass by, nothing.....no explanation, no goodbye doesn't even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address, its as if he has been wiped out from the face of the earth ....you alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel for an emergency. sometimes he will resurface with a stupid but plausible (if u drunk) explanation ..sometimes you will accidentally meet six months later at the neighbourhood club and he will try and give you a cock and bull story about how he went thru a difficult time blah blah blah and he can explain.....allow him to explain and he wont be able to, sometimes he will resurface on face book but then sometimes you never hear from him again.

like the second coming of Christ
This is different from the first. This one doesn't disappear from the face of the earth but the break up is out of the blues, totally unexpected catches you unawares. You think you have a good thing going, you are even making plans to marry him thinking he is the one and all. He appears committed to the relationship, everything is going fine, your friends love him, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about him.......you spent valentines day together, buys you a big ass present for your birthday all your friends envy you.............until one day out of the blues he says his sorry his not feeling the relationship anymore, he wants space, wants out, needs time to clear his head, he doesn't know what he wants. In your head you are thing WTF since when have you been feeling this way? was it not yesterday you were calling me your future wife? But the guy is not joking he is serious and just like that it is over, no one can believe you, you cant believe it either, hell you did not see this coming, you thought you were happy together dammit!!!!!!

don't shoot the messenger
This one is pretty humiliating, the dude has no guts to tell you its over, or he is not feeling you anymore so he sends his best friend or your best friend to either 'hint' that he is no longer interested or for them to tell you straight up that it is over. Sometimes his best friend will tell you crap like 'I really like you as a sister so i just thought i should give you some brotherly advise Olu is not serious i think you deserve better he is not ready to settle down, trust me i know I am his friend and it hurts me that he treats you like that' Such a long speech and you think this guy is looking out for you when in actual fact he is looking out for his friend who wants to dump you but doesn't have the courage to say it to your face so he sends a messenger.

The telephone game
I don't know if any of you remember the telephone game.....the one where you all stand in line and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person ......the message is passed down the line until the last person has to repeat what they were told out loud. Imagine you are the last person standing in the queue (enough said). You know the kind of break up where you are the last to know........where everyone else is aware he is no longer interested or that he is already chatting up some other girl or he is already dating some other chicca or he is actually marrying someone else etc. This too is humiliating, you get mad at your friends for not telling you.......but their excuse is 'we thought you knew'.

Big Brother Style
(Davina McCall shouting in large microphone)....................this is big brother you are being evicted!!!!!!! okay i guess this one is self explanatory. Your break up is loud and messy. He just doesn't break up with you, he wants the whole world to know every intricate detail. He is not only content with breaking up with you, he wants to humiliate you as well, hell he would even put a notice in the Sunday Times if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody who is willing to listen what happened between the two of you, your private life is laid bare, he will even share juicy bits of your love life, go on and on about how lousy you are in bed etc etc. You want to crawl into a corner and die, the whole neighborhood now knows your business, the whole church knows you slept together on the first date.......he will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together, you just want to crawl into your bed and hide, you are sick of the calls from friends asking 'is it true'

The fake gentleman
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but he is too much of a coward ( or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to breakup with you)so he does things to make you break up with him instead so that you eventually end the relationship (successfully passing the buck for the relationship ending on to you when that's what he wanted all along.)

Sex and the city style
remember when Carrie got dumped via a post it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and the doorman notified her that it was over? there are so many different variations of this (email, text message, instant messenger) but all of them equally cowardly and totally selfish.

With a bang
self explanatory, he shags you then dumps you (enough said).

Hurricane Katrina
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams, leaves you devastated, destroys you,your whole being, your self esteem everything. shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable, some of it will be costly /expensive and will take time to repair. You are a broken woman, he leaves you feeling like you have lost everything, everything you ever worked for, lived for, you cant believe this is happening to you, sometimes you will be in denial, sometimes you will be so angry at God at everyone, you wonder how it could have happened to you? You have to start afresh but you don't know how........

Its not that there is ever a 'good way to break up' a break up will always be difficult and painful for one if not both of the parties but i still think that people should be able to break up in a sensitive and 'bloodless' manner. Unfortunately things always end badly for if things were not bad they would not have ended but i think it is always courteous to break up in person where possible. Please share your break up experiences so that I know whether I'm talking through my ass as usual. Ps although i am well aware of how people should not break up i do not have any answers on how people should.....if they need to at all.......break up.

Might be AWOL for some time but will definitely be checking your blogs even if i might not have time to leave a comment.

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

2008-10-01T13:12:00.003+01:00

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.

(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)

The Rich also Cry.............

2008-09-25T11:58:00.009+01:00

Mama Im so depressed xxx has cheated on me
"Ah that's not important you have a good job."
Can you believe what That Uche has been going around saying about me I'm so hurt
"You complain too much sha thank God you have so many degrees."
I feel so lonely I wish I had a friend
"with the amount of money you earn I wouldn't be worried about not having friends, go shopping"
I'm feeling suicidal I feel like I cant cope
"Don't be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselves trying to date you."

Its not that I don't count my blessings, I do, each and everyday, when I wake up and when I go to bed. It would not have mattered though if i didnt, for I can almost name more than 30 odd people who will most certainly be ready and willing to count them for me. Not that they need to wait for an invitation, my ears are already ringing from their constant remainders of how lucky or blessed I am .............. "You lucky you have a good job," " you lucky you so intelligent", "you are lucky you have such a close family," " you are lucky your parents. have so much money," "you are lucky that all your family members I still alive," "you are lucky you got that promotion," " i really envy you," "i wish i was like you," "you are my inspiration," "God has been really kind to you"...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wouldn't it drive you crazy as well? As if this was not enough they have voted me 'the most envied' person in my social network on facebook. I'm sick of it. Its not that I am ungrateful I more than anyone else am well aware that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need / expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small mercies...well actually big mercies. Its not the fact that people remind me to be grateful that gets to me, its the fact that for some reason people believe that the trauma/ill will/bad luck/misfortunes/problems/catastrophes (yes catastrophes I have had my fair share of those in my 26yrs) that I go through are simply inconsequential/ or not worth recognising since my countless blessings make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be enduring. Consequently I'm the type of purpose who has to wail loudly before some recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently will not cut it, and even when recognised my feelings are instantly dismissed as if they do not matter as if they are inconsequential simply because.....simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 26year African woman.

I never get to have a voice ........this is the story of my life, I feel as if I'm being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds, even though I am where I am through blood sweat and tears. I hate the life I have, not that its not wonderful but that I don't matter enough, people have stopped seeing the real me and started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc, somehow I feel that were I to commit suicide the first comments would not be concern but would be reproach........ 'what a waste her life was great.' or 'she killed her self why? I thought she had a good job and all' (no i dont plan to commit suicide).

In fact this business of thinking that somehow it was justified for me to have painful or whatever experiences just because the odds were always in my favour, started when I was quite young. I remember my parents sent me to an extremely expensive private school. So expensive was it that it took my dads two months wages to pay a terms fees and even at that time he earned a lot. My mother never made me forget this. Somehow it was okay for me to be bullied (we were only a handful of black kids) at school (not that it was okay but simply I was supposed to be grateful because my other siblings although they were at private school as well their fees was not nearly as high as mine) It was 'okay' for me not to go on holiday simply because I went to the expensive school. It was okay for me not to have as much holiday pocket money as the others after all they were going without (yeah right) so that my parents could fund my expensive education. From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not want to complain or let anyone know that I was unhappy I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which even made me unhappier which then made me even guiltier and ashamed of myself which made me even more depressed then i would feel even guiltier (if there is such a word) for being depressed when i should be grateful.......in short it became a vicious circle.

It probably still is up to now, i still have to think twice before I say my problems to people then I have to say them 5times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no one comforted me, when I tried to reach out to people they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me....I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her that I was feeling suicidal and I couldn't cope anymore, I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself I was the luckiest person in the world and that a lot of people envied my life....she said to me she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality...don't be silly she said..if only she knew that at that precise moment I was very close to the brink. Do you know that a large percentage of suicides are committed by people who are middle class and above? Not that its a sport of the rich fabulous or fantastic only but statics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people.....guess that's why people say money doesn't buy you happiness.....which is not true..... its because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you your happiness that they don't make the effort to ensure that you are really and truly happy like they would for a less well to do relative.

I guess I'm sick and tired of having to shout to be heard, having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion, kindness, cuddles or warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn't change the fact that I am still human, I've insecurities, I have days that I feel ugly, periods of time when I feel that the world is closing in on me , crushing me and I can not breathe. There will be days when I could use a shoulder to cry on, months when I would gladly trade my life for yours, there will be weeks when I don't get out of bed, mornings when I weep and cry to God why me Jehovah? It doesn't mean I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have....its just that I'm human, and countless blessings or great mercies if you cut me open I bleed... (sorry Leona Lewis). So next time if I'm in despair and I could do with a friend, please don't recite my numerous blessings, just give me a hug . I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after safes are locked and the banks have closed, well after expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket, the jewellery is removed and the jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed, when the house help has gone home,and the curtains are drawn, and they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness................ sometimes the rich.......actually........ sometimes I, just like the rich also cry.

Flabby wrote a similar post only saw it after i had written mine but its worth checking out My Side of the Story!: My right to hurt
PS: This post is in response to someone who was concerned that my posts are rather 'dark'. I am happy with most aspects of my life, career, home etc but i struggle in others. I normally have an outlet for my joy but i struggle in terms of expressing my pain (hopefully this post has explained why) and thats why i blog. PS: I am not rich!!!!!!!!!!!

Blame it on the Weatherman .............

2008-09-21T12:16:00.001+01:00

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked. ........here's how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.

Conversations with my inner man ............

2008-09-14T12:20:00.003+01:00

*long post as usual*
The past week has been quite hectic mental wise for me. I meant to post this last week (which is the week im referring to) but like i mentioned in my previous post there was a lot of stuff in my head I couldnt make sense of , loads of squiggles and scribbles. I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week and this post probably reflects a lot of the turmoil and confusion as I had conversations with my inner man.

Several things have happened some which are life changing in the great scheme of things but are too boring to blog about, some which I cant blog about without seriously invading the privacy of some extremely private individual, some which I promised never to blog about again...which then leaves me with very little I can share about the events of this past week. YT has been in touch not that its in anyway relevant to this post but i thought I would give him a mention in case some of you might be wondering what happened to him (and no a bus did not run him over like a fellow blogger wished, he is still alive and kicking.. lol) but its good that we might have come full circle back to the point of just being msn friends like we were in the beginning.... nothing complicated.

I'm kinda annoyed that I'm no longer affected by my previous relationship with YT not that I wanted to carry on hurting forever but now that my friends and family know that he has been relegated to jus being one of the X's and a friend they are no longer willing to keep bank rolling the MDM must recover soon project. they are no longer willing to be ready and willing with special favours, treats and spoiling me in a bid to get me on the road to recovery quick quick. Like during my period of mourning my aunt didn't think twice about giving me her designer bag and just this previous week she has come to collect it saying that now that I have recovered I don't need it (the cheek). My friends who about a month ago this time would have gladly taken me out and paid and bought drinks are now asking me to contribute to the night out kitty. So you must understand why i miss the pampering which has rapidly disappeared coz im happy again.....ah well guess will have to be content with waiting until the next heartbreak lol.

I think this week was a roller coaster week for me, loads of rainbows, sunshine, silver linings kisses and cuddles that like the pessimist that I am I'm thinking this ship is bound to crash pretty soon. Work is great, home life couldn't be better, relationship wise I'm content, it feels really sexy and liberating to be able to say to potential suitors who come aknocking 'yes Im single but I'm not available', but the attention is good (well annoying sometimes) but being called beautiful/sexy/hot etc has never really landed anyone in hospital has it. But for some reason this week I have also been doing a lot of soul searching. Which brings us to the subject of the post today

Conversations with my inner man...........

And lead me not into temptation
but above all
save me
Save me oh Lord I pray
deliver me from my worst enemy
for she threatens to consume me
From my tormentor within,
rescue me from myself
Save me from what my experience with him is moulding me into
Rescue me from this person that I've become.

?
How is it possible that one can do/perform/take part/participate/experience a perfectly ordinary normal 'thing' but feel remarkably ashamed and guilty afterwards? is it the act itself that makes it wrong or is it your feelings after the act that makes the act wrong or is it I have crisscrossed emotionally so many times between doing whats good and that which is bad that in the confusion my conscience which dictates my morality can no longer distinguish whats right from whats wrong? (and no I'm not referring to sex lol)

I'm wondering why?
Its just one of those days and Im wondering why.......
Im wondering why you said you would never leave,
yet your feet were halfway through the door.
Why you asked for my heart
yet all you needed was to hold my head.
Why you made me your princess
When what you really needed was a queen
Its just one of those days and im wondering how
How you could say I was your star
and forget to tell me you owned the milk way
How you can promise to make me happy
yet all you do is make me cry
How you plan to take me to the moon
when you've never owned a spaceship
How friends can swear to have your back
yet stab you in the front?
Im wondering how you planned to bring me the universe
When you yet to conquer the earth
I wonder why we claim to be lovers
yet all we are, are fcukers
Im wondering why those we love never stay
Or why we never love those that stay
Im wondering how one can use a million words
yet say absloutely nothing
How one can lie naked on the floor
and yet not reveal nothing
why someone can say forever when all they mean is we will see.
Guess its one of those days I'll have to keep wondering why?

For the first time

For the first time in my life (well not strictly true but near enough) I apologised to someone first. I said ssorry without adding a but at the end or tryna justify myself. For the first time I didnt care about being always right or thinking I know everything or winning a fight. For the first time I said Im sorry without expecting to be automatically forgiven, I apologised and meant it. For the first time it wast all about me, and what I want, what I think and me having my own way. For the first time I understand what it means to be humble and its a good feeling. Although Im yet to get an acknnowledgement of my admission to being wrong, I dont mind, for I think I have learnt an improtant lesson that sometimes its okay not to be always right..........and admit it.

Questions for my pastor that will at best remain 'un-asked'

Can you 'do' somebody so many times that you earn the right to be called a legitimate fcuk and absolve yourself of the guilt that is normally associated with being the other woman........?

Since when has being some one's girlfriend/concubine/person he is seeing/ earned the same 'though shall not trespass on my land legal rights as you would be entitled to if you were actually married to someone?

should I feel any shame/remorse/ guilt and ask for forgiveness for my trespasses if i break up said not biblical or traditionally officially union?

If God intended said not yet legal unions to be unbreakable instead of saying 'what God has joined together let no man put asunder' would he not have chosen his words differently and said 'what God is most likely to join together in the future do not put asunder right now lest it will not successfully be joined together in the future because of your putting it asunder?

If it is perfectly okay (biblical and traditional wise) to have two or more wives, should then the other women not be referred to as sluts/prostitutes/hos/goldiggas and be respectfully referred to as 'legitimate wives in the making?

I ask my dear pastor not to absolve myself or anyone else of any guilt, but I ask so that maybe I can find some justification for that which once upon a time in my ignorance I swore I would never become............

Of spiders, webs and intricate snares

2008-09-07T15:16:00.000+01:00

"Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!"
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832)

She's got a face; I found out that day, that she had a face. Not that I thought she was headless, or faceless or had a huge hole where her head should have been, I just never imagined her with a face that’s all.

It wasn’t a mirror, neither was it on the wall. It was an email with 163kb worth of attachments I had no prior warning, got the ping to say 'I got mail' scanned for viruses, spyware and adware, 23kb worth of attachments given the all clear. And there she is staring me straight in the eyes, a close up, a full frontal view and a half body shot to show off the jugs. In one she was smiling, in the other she was frowning, and in the rest she struck a defiant pose as if to say 'sowatcha gonnae do??????'

Not that I was going to reach out through the computer screen and punch her perfect almost Eurocentric nose out of line, but I had spent 7 bloody months wondering how she looked like, almost to the point of obsession. I used to wonder if she was fat or she was slim, if she was pretty, stunning or just plan ugly. Not that it would have made a difference or given her or me a defence. Part of me wants to call her the other woman, but that would be lying, for she calls me too the other woman. But to be fair with all the hoo-ha and the palaver that has surrounded out three way relationship, like the earth our positions have rotated, so much so that somehow the lines got blurred about who was the bitch and who was the rightful heir to the throne as the flesh of his ribs. Not that the position was vacant, we have both occupied it at so many stages of our lives that we could probably not do without the other.

Whilst I held a carefree indifference about her or her apparently tragic situation, (I say apparently for what I knew I had gleamed whilst he was cushioned on my bosom), she loathed me with a passion that is best reserved for those intimate of lovers, or with so much venom that were it from a snake it would be none other than the black mamba or the Fierce Snake (Oxyuranus microlepidotus) which has 100 times more venom than any snake known to men.

My crime is not that I stole what belonged to her, for what I stole she had already taken from me before I snatched it from her after she grabbed it from me..... (Let me stop coz it’s making me all dizzy), my crime was I had lied about her which apparently to her was tantamount to rigging the vote or foul play, or whatever. Personally I think she was just grasping at straws trying to find a reason to hate me and hate what I represented, I think deep down she feared that had she given her heart the chance to get to know me, she might have grown to love me, and that could not happen. At the very least it would open up a can of worms, that commonsense would dictate was best left unopened. In the great scheme of things, the dimensions of our three way relationship are so complex that they are best left undefined.

Okay back to the no longer headless body, strange that curiosity did not kill this cat, instead it gave it another lease of life, it what sense I could not best describe but I felt complete as if another piece of the jigsaw was firmly in place and I could delegate that piece of my brain that had been so pre occupied with wanting to put a face to the persona on to other perhaps more productive business than that which it had engaged in. Conflicting emotions, as I gazed at her image, almost passing for a body double of my very own and yet we were very different in a way that complimented each other, otherwise we would not have managed to co-exist and rotate on the same axis Mother Nature would not have allowed.

Somehow by having a face she has humanised the whole plot, added another complex moral dilemma to this intricate web of confusion, anyone who has listened to a show on the radio and then later had the opportunity to watch it on TV would know what I am on about. Although I deleted the images for my hard drive capacity will not allow me to do otherwise, I’m sure her image will remain emblazoned in the secret cove of my brain that I dare not open unless held at gunpoint. Somehow I wonder if having now been alerted to the fact that there is indeed a face to the body, will that change the dynamics of our relationship.

Do we want to change the complex web of confusion? or as I suspect we have become interdependent, metamorphosed into one being, one soul....maybe we ought to accept the uncomfortable truth that just like the true meaning of light would be lost were it not for the presence of darkness, we can not all exist without one another.....but looking at the images again confirms what I already fear.......that we already have.........

Just like you, I’m probably struggling to make sense of this post, this muse, this complex web of confusion. Somehow it feels right to flow with the confusion, for some intricate tales are best illustrated in abstract form.

ThE JoKeR ...........

2008-09-01T23:12:00.003+01:00

The Circus
He ran the circus.
The Joker, he should have won an Oscar,
His performance was immaculate,
spectacular, unbelievable,
so out of this world
He deserved a hollywood star
A performer, a comedian, a Joker...
It was one of those jokes
Subtle,
The witty kind
Complicated humour,
The type that nearly crossed the line between sarcasm and cruel humour.
They laughed,
the Audience, the spectators, the crowd
They all laughed.
Big belly fulls of laughter,
some snickered, some hooted, some danced with glee
But mainly everyone laughed, at the spectacle in the circus ring,
except me.
I was oblivious, I did not get it.
I'm normally the witty, comic type, but this time the joke was lost on me.
But everyone else got it and so they laughed
They laughed and they hooted the whole show through.
It was a freak show, they laughed at the helpless clown all tied up in knots it couldn't loosen.
The joker, damn he was good at his act, for they all got the punchline,
yet I didn't, I failed to grasp it.
Months later
when the circus had left the town, when the freak show was over
long after
when the laughter had all but died down, when the snickers had faded and the Joker's show was nothing but a 'hit' from the past, a distant memory
It sudenely dawned on me
I got it,
The joke
I understood it,
after all this time I finally got the punchline.
For it was simple
I could see the circus ring more clearly
Name the cast and get the joke,
But,
whilst they had laughed,
The audience
the spectators
the observers at the circus ring
whilst they had giggled, and snickered, big belly fulls of laughter
As they watched the joke unfold
I didn't
When I got the joke months later
I never laughed.
I cried
and I sobbed
Big belly full guttural cries
For I knew now what I had failed to see back then in the circus ring
Our life together, a circus
He was the joker
I was the clown
I realised now what I had been too blind to grasp then
that for all that time and all that while
From the very first Act to the final curtain close
The joke was me..............the joke had been on me.

His Type ..................

2008-08-27T10:42:00.010+01:00

A player
His always been a player
Not the ‘I have a girl on the side type’ or the ‘I kissed a girl in the pub’ type
But his the ‘I’m seeing four chicks and I don’t care if they all know’ player
His the type that will buy you diamond rings or fancy cars
Then claim what you had was just a fling, what did you think it was type
He’s the type of player that would take you places, both in and out of bed ;-)
Fancy restaurants, midweek breaks to France, the type that wouldn’t think twice about an expensive cruise to the Bahamas,
Yet never take you across the road to meet his mama, his sisters or just spend time with his closest friends
His the type that will kit out your closet, in Gucci and Prada, and Balenciaga bags yet keep you firmly hidden in his closet in case one of his chicks got to know…
His the spontaneous, type the romantic type,
The no strings attached type, the type that will take you to the moon and back, plus make you laugh as you orbit through space.
His the sensual type
His the handsome type, the dishy type, the eligible bachelor, the one who would wow the crowd if he turned up at the party coz his the type that would guarantee you Halle Berry lookalike babies.
But he is also the type, that wouldn’t think twice to add another sista to his harem, or drop you like you’re hot if you ever lose your appeal, gain a few pounds or ask for commitment.
His the sensual type, the ten orgasms a night type fella,
But Im not convinced he is the type that would cry with you if your mama died or spend the night at your hospital bed.
His the type that would know all the right things to say, yet never ask after your well being or take walks in the rain in case his Gucci loafers got ruined.
For years his pursued me, for years I’ve said no
He backed off a little when YT was there, but now that he knows DM is single and there is the potential to mingle,
His brought back the battle full throttle,
With flowers and candy and a charge account at Prada
His phoned and his texted, his planned to woe me and dine me
Is it his ego that couldn’t take no for an answer
Or he means what he says; when he says I’m the one?
I must admit my flesh is tempted, it’s been February gone since my flame was last ignited
But he is also the type that you would take to the GUM clinic before you could even contemplate hitting the sack.
Yesterday his texted me, gave me a final ultimatum,
He needs to know where I stand, for ‘although he loves me’ (so he says) he cant keep hanging indefinitely…..he needs to know needs answers today…
(I bet the chase is getting too long and expensive, his wallet starting to slim down a bit, after all Prada, Balenciaga and Gucci aren’t free)
He says his ready to embrace commitment, He says he has changed, he says …..
Actually he says a lot of Bull if you ask me.
His that type
A player
The type that would perfectly take care of my short term needs,
Whilst with the force of a nuclear bomb destroy all my long term goals and leave a crater where once my heart had rested.
I’m just not ready, what with YT saga and all,
To risk my heart, to take off sprinting right in the arms of danger code red
So I texted him back an hour ago, the usual answer as always a big bold No.
I said good luck in finding the one
For whilst I could do with the attention,
The Gucci and the Prada
The 10 orgasms and the trips to the Bahamas
The wining and dining…….
His a player
His always been a player
And sadly his type
The player type
Has never been and never will be
Miss DM’s TYPE!!!!!!!!

I went to bed with a stranger.........

2008-08-21T23:42:00.003+01:00

this post is for Buttercup, Bombschell and Funms, just so you know curiosity did kill the cat.

.....As I heard the gate swing shut a sign that the postman had since left the yard, a look of sheer horror darkened my face as the magnitude of what I had just done dawned on me. What had I done? A quick glance at my bedroom companion sent shivers coursing through My veins. My blood ran cold, I didn't know him, he was a stranger, a man I barely knew yet he was sleeping besides me. I thought about calling the police but what could they do? What would I say? Was I raped?No,Forced ? NO, I grimaced as the events of the previous night flashed vividly through my mind. The moans and the screams as I begged him to take me, cries of passionate pleasure that had emanated from these my lustful lips. My heart filled with shame and remorse, guilt whelmed up inside me and threatened to overwhelm me. What had i done, had I been drunk ? No. Yes I had two glasses on wine but surely that was not enough to render m unconscious or uninhibited.I longed for an excuse any excuse, to absolve me o the guilt, the shame that was suffocating my soul and dragging it deeper and deeper into the evil grasp of Hades. Tears coursed down my cheeks as the waves of shame returned, threatening to engulf me. Had my mama taught me nothing? How had I, a girl born and raised by the holy book allowed Lucifer to camp on my doorstep?

Memories of why we met, how we met, where we met flashed through my mind. His mother who passed, his father who had remarried, his sister who was having trouble conceiving or his aunt who was bewitching the whole compound. I wanted to believe that I had known him for a long time, that I knew him, that his whole life was imprinted on the back of my hand like a Fingerprint or that his heart was tattooed on my own, but my conscience refused to let me find solace in this blatant lie. So little time, so much to say, so much he had said and yet he had revealed nothing. Was there even a sister, a brother an aunt or a father? How could one have faith in the words of a man they barely knew?

Filled with apprehension I traced his name on my pillow, frightened that in my haste to share the fruit of his loins I had not quite caught/ remembered his last name. Was it desperation? Yet as I caught my reflection in the wardrobe mirror it refused to confirm what my soul was begging it to give......justification, justification for my weakness, perhaps if blame could be given to my face, then my actions could be understood as those of a woman with limited prospects. He had asked for water to quench his thirst and in my haste, I gave him deeds to the entire well, he had asked for food to fill his stomach, but in my haste I bequeathed him a field to plough, he had asked me for a blanket to shelter from the cold and in my lust I offered him the comforts of my bed. Where had I gone wrong? At which turn had my morality turned into the immoral? I twisted the ring, my engagement ring, why had I just noticed it this very second? I had not even possessed the decency to take it off. I twisted it, but it would not budge, the lump i my throat would not budge.

I glanced at the stranger, the man I had spent the previous night with, How could he sleep so soundly , so comfortable, so at home, as if we knew each other and he belonged no where else but my bed, and yet.......and yet he was a total stranger a man I barely knew. Perhaps if we had spent more time talking getting to know each other..........I felt violated , used , abused but what for? Was it not I with my very own voice filled with passion and lust who had cried out his name in pleasure, and in the same breathe cursed my mother, for with holding, and not revealing the knowledge about the secret pleasures my womanhood could bring much early than she did, for I had not known pleasure so intense or joy of such magnitude......My hand went to my stomach and horror filled my eyes, What if? What if this stranger, this man I was not even sure I wasn't related to had planted his forbidden fruits in my belly? The consequences were too painful to contemplate ........was I being punished for sins I had committed in a previous life, or in this life?

I glanced at the photo., the letter, the evidence, what more proof did i need? The photo so clear, portrait style. The woman standing next to the slated door of the hut with the roof that was just about to cave in. Proudly she held the hand of a boy, her son , their son. Thier resemblance was striking , it was as if a mini stranger stared me straight in the face. So oblivious to her humble surroundings her other hand rested fleetingly on her swollen belly, a belly full of promise, full of life another product of their love on the way. And the letter, oh the letter, painstakingly written in broken English, revealing hr excitement over their forth coming baby, she wondered why he had been silent for far too long, She asked if it was okay to find someone to repair the roof as the rainy season was coming, she wanted to let him know that the money he had last sent was slowly running out and their boy needed new shoes for the school. She related how she was praying, daily fasting so that they're visas for them to come join him could be processed more smoothly, she bound all the demons and spirits that would get in their way.......My eyes whelmed up with tears, I couldn't read on.

I looked at the man lying so peaceful in my bed, should I ask? how do I ask? Did I even have the right to ask? After all what does a stranger owe you, not even the courtesy of a last name. I sobbed quietly yet besides me the stranger slept. Oh the irony of his loud contented snores whilst I beside him died a slow but painful silent death. Hastily I got up from the bed and cramped my belongings into a bag. I just need to get out of there go anywhere. I wanted to leave whilst he slept, for how does one say good bye to a man, yo spent the night with but barely even know? Do you wave goodbye or do you kiss? Do you leave a forwarding address or do you promise to write and keep in touch?

As I reached the door, I took one last look at the man lying in the bed, I tried hard to find a resemblance but i could not, yet I knew i was not mistaken. This was the very same man I had given the last two years of my life. The man I was engaged to marry in less than three months to come. The man who had promised me the world, the one who I called my fiancee and who called me his bride. .............I had gone to bed with the man I loved, the man I was ready to marry, my husband to be but with the arrival of the postman, I realised I woke up this morning next to a stranger, a man leading a double life, a phony, a man I had spent the last 2years of my life yet I barely knew him. Tears coursed down my cheeks as I contemplated what I would say to the 140 guests we had already invited....would I tell them the truth? What was the truth?........That all this while, all these years........I was sharing my bed with a stranger, a man I barely knew.

He's walked in my shoes.................

2008-08-16T23:29:00.009+01:00

I have just locked the door its confirmed, his sleeping in his car outside my house. I don't know who is more bewildered, me for pulling it off or him for actually realising that I pulled it off!!!!! He probably thought i was joking, hell even I didn't quite believe I would see it through, but I did, and he is sleeping in his two seater Mercedes Benz, frozen solid, I was not gracious enough to loan him a blanket, neither was he humble enough to beg for one, bet he isn't 'flexing' in it now (his merc) like he ususally does, picking up women at every second bus stop. Bet his thumping through his little black book, wondering who is available to give him a roof over his head just for one night, but at 300miles from his nearest bedpost notch.....its more than confirmed his sleeping in his car tonight....less than 3yards from my 3bed house with two empty bedrooms. I have not been completely unkind, 3 sharp raps on my door, will ensure that at least he has access to the bathroom facilities, well that is if I hear him, well actually if i choose to hear him.

He knew, I told him again and again 'there's no room at this inn'guess he thought I was kidding. I was nice enough to him this whole afternoon, let him watch the olympics, eat my fruits and drink my tea, the sign outside read clearly 'you can eat and you can drink, we can laugh and you can play BUT when night time comes please note there is no room at this inn' yet he chose to ignore it and now his sleeping in his car tonight.

Tonight he sleeps in a cold lonely place, only the clothes on his back his companion, nearly 4yrs to this date I too slept with a cold lonely heart my companion. Today he wonders how could she? 4yrs to this date I too wondered how could he? He wonders whether I'm joking, I wondered whether I was dreaming. He locked me out of his heart, I just locked him out of my house. How the tables have turned, well not quite....coz whilst I walked, head held high and never looked back, his still outside, hopeless, clueless and in despair and wondering where the hell it went wrong...as if it ever were right. I've never been one to kick a man whilst his down, but I've never been known to help lift up a man who was down either. What made me walk neary 4yrs ago, is keeping him from walking 4yrs down the line...don't know if it has sank in just yet, that he is actually sleeping in his car tonight.

Him whose name we do not speak, ti's he whose sleeping in his car tonight. How he came to be here, why I locked him out rather than in.....well that's a post for another day, but blogsville please note that tonight....... even if its just for a night, He Whose Name We Do Not Speak has walked or rather...... tonight He Whose Name We Do Not Speak will indeed sleep....rather than walk, in my shoes, the very same shoes which I once wore, nearly 4yrs to this date...............

Yes....Boys II Men definitely didnt sing a song about all mamas'

2008-08-12T12:36:00.017+01:00

Seriously I have too much time on my hands to be posting this often, hopefully it will wear off coz i jus seem to be blabbering about rubbish....anyway better blogging than stressing rite? ......anyway when I started this blog my intention was not to write about YT, but it kind of took ova, now that that saga is closed, I can revert to my original intention ........'being my mothers child.'

(Ma is sitting in the living room doing her knitting....Definitely Maybe enters the room....)

Dm: Ma are you busy? I need to talk to you
Ma: You are already talking….. Is it important?
Dm: Well not really, I just need to ask something, Gina is throwing a party next weekend, can we go?
Ma: who is we?
Dm: me and small sister
Ma: so you are now small sister's spokesperson abi? Has she lost her voice?
Dm: no ma.......okay can I go to Gina's party?
Ma: Who is Gina? what party
Dm: You know Gina, Gina my friend, the one I told you was in hospital, and I didn’t manage to find time to go and see her.
Ma: Then if you didn’t find time to go and see her in hospital she is not your friend.
Dm: But Ma you know I was busy
Ma: But you are not too busy to go to her party heh?
Dm: (Silence)
Ma: Anyway I don’t know her,
Dm: But ma you spoke to her the other day when she came to the house
Ma: Yes but that doesn’t mean I know her, I spoke to that man who came here selling palm oil, does it mean now I can go to his parties and boogie?
Dm: NO ma......Okay do you want to speak to her mother
Ma: why? will speaking to her mother make me know this Gina?
Dm: No ma but it might help.......
(Dm then rings Gina's mum, puts her on loud speaker so Ma can also listen to her confirm abt the party)
G's Mum: Hello is that Dm's ma?
Ma: Yes.....how may I help?
G's Mum: I called just to confirm DM is invited to the party?
Ma: What party?
G's Mum: My daughter Gina is having a party
Ma: What is the purpose of the party, what are you celebrating?
G's Mum: Nothing in particular, its to reward her for behaving over the holidays..I just thought it would be nice, give her something to look forward to,just a small thing really, for her and her friends.
Ma: Are children not supposed to be behaving? why reward someone for doing something that they are supposed to be doing anyway? Unless you are saying this Gina of yours does not normally behave.........? anyway what is going to be done at the party?
G's Mum: Well there is no program its casual really, whatever they want to do
Ma: So are you saying anything goes?
G's Mum: Well not anything goes, they have to behave......
Ma: Will there be alcohol?
G's Mum: Yes only for the grown ups over 21...
Ma: Does Dm have to bring an ID?
G's Mum: Oh no!!!
Ma: Then how will you know whether they will be over 21 or not?
G's Mum: Well I know most of GIna's friends so.......
Ma: How old is my daughter?
G's Mum:Hello come again?.......I didnt understand the question..
Ma: My daughter DM, when is her birthday?
G's Mum: Oh I don’t knowthe exact date, but I know she is the same age as my daughter.
Ma: How will you know that, if you don’t know her birthday?
G's Mum:Well they were in the same class at school so I assumed……..
Ma: What if she was early starting school, or repeated a couple of years?
G's Mum: Well ah I hadn’t thought about that actually.....
Ma: In that case what other things about this party of yours did you not think about………?
G's mum: (Silence) ........
Ma: Hello? Hello?
G's mum: yes im still here......
Ma: leave this issue with me I will chew it over.....okay bye (ma puts the phone down)
Dm: (about to die from embarassment) Ma don’t worry, its okay, I don’t have to go, actually I don’t want to go anymore
Ma: Nxa don’t mess with my mind DM, I will shambock that confusion out of your head. if you didn’t want to go in the first instance, why did you waste my time speaking to that woman, next time if you don’t want to go somewhere don’t ask to go.
Dm: but Ma.... I thought you said I couldnt go anyway?
Ma: did I say you cant go heh? so are you thinking for me now.....?
Dm: No ma, i thought....ah... anyway..its okay...never mind..... So Ma are you going to let me go?
Ma: No I am not, because you said it is not really important that you go
Dm: Ma when did I say that?
Ma: At the beginning , when I asked if it was important?, you said it was not, so why should I let you waste your time doing unimportant things when you have more important things to do like study?
Dm: No I didn’t mean it like that......
Ma: If you didnt mean it like that, So why did you say it like that then?
Dm: I meant it was not urgent
Ma: So why did you not say, "Ma its not urgent but it is important?"
Dm: never mind ma(at this point I give up and start walking away, you can never win any battles with Ma the Lioness)
Ma: DM come back here right now!!! are you walking away from me?, ME?? your mother,what is this? have I said I have finished talking? nonsense!! what insolence is this? I warn you DM you are getting too big for your boots....there can not be two mothers in this house ohhh, Your father will have to hear about this your nonsense behaviour......

yes.............. boys II Men definitely needs to sing about my mama.

No more Drama

2008-08-11T00:53:00.005+01:00

Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private space..my blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.

When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had done....read him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?

Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.

I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'

"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'

ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol

I'm sending you a four paged letter..........

2008-08-10T00:09:00.013+01:00

To Whom It May Concern (YT)

Reference: Answers

I wasn't going to write, there was no point, for if you didn't realise it then, you wont realise it now, even if I wrote it in blood on a ten foot banner and hang it on top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part, and i am not weak I refuse to be weak, but Nixx said I should, (write to you that is), she says I owe it to myself, she says only when I have poured out my heart (actually not my heart but my pain) that's when I can release my demons and totally completely wholly move on. Nixx says I have physically moved on because I got up and walked and am still walking, but she says I left my soul behind at that precise moment I spoke to you and you said you needed space........She says I have to go back and pick up my heart even if its in shreds I still need to retrace my steps and pick it up, for it is mine, I'm restless without it....Nixx says I'm losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me is still trapped in that day that phone call.....She says you can not heal without being cured, and you can not be cured until you get the right treatment, and you can not get the right treatment until you know the source of the pain....she says I need to go back to the source......I need to face my demons so that I can tell them to flee.....for me to do that i need answers............so I'm writing you a four paged letter.........

I could be the bigger person and say 'I hope this letter finds you in good health' but I don't have the strength to pretend i feel that which I do not, so I'm going to tell it like i feel it. I don't wish you harm neither do I wish you well, if that makes me less of a woman, then I'm happy being a child.My heart feels what my lips can not convey, so much I want to say to you, but i know not the words, I can only feel. I wish we could just for a second swap souls, then maybe you would feel what I wish no man to feel but that which torments my mind and I find no rest. I ask myself questions that only you can answer. I feel like a horse that is groomed for the races by its owner, day by day he trains it, he makes it work twice as hard coz he wants t to be the best, but when it is ready, and fit enough to take the trophy, he cuts off its legs so that it can not compete.

I loved you, don't ask me if i still do, even I don't know if that question has answers, but right now at this hour, this second I feel more pain than love, more hurt than disappointment.I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, how can you own what you never had? Even the law says ownership is 3/4 possession, I never possessed you, I thought I did but in reality I didn't. Its not the fact that we broke up that hurts, I've been there done that, bought the t/shirt, Its not the fact that I loved you...I've loved before (albeit not as strongly), been loved before and can be loved and love again that I'm sure, its not at all about the timing (even though you could have timed it better coz it was the night of lil Princess's birthday and now that day will forever be tied with my heart breaking). It hurts because I meant so little to you that you encouraged me not to take the career offer yet you knew that wern't going anywhere.

When you were wondering what to do with your life I supported you, I was there for you, I felt your pain when you were going through a rough time, I prayed for you, was there for you. I know it meant little, wasn't much in your eyes but I did it with my heart because i believed in you, how could i not for you were the man i loved. You knew how much i wanted that career move, how i dreamt it, breathed it , prayed for it, wanted it to happen. You knew, yet you said 'babe don't take it, now things are on the up for me so we will be okay, I'll take care of us' I believed you, I was doubtful coz i have given my heart before and it got broken, but you begged me to trust you, I asked what if things go wrong..you said baby we will never go wrong I've got you. I was scared but i took the leap of faith, I had to, for once in my life i wanted to trust someone completely , whole heartedly mind body and soul...and what better way to do it.......I gave up the career move risking it all becoz i loved you....two weeks later you say you need space....WHY did you make me give up that career move that was going to change my life if you knew that we weren't going anywhere? Why did you not encourage me to take it if you knew your plans had changed, were now different from mine? WHY? you knew that offer was what i had hoped for prayed for yet you convinced me not to take it for you, yet you knew I wouldn't have you for long? I supported your dreams why couldn't you have supported mine especially knowing what you knew?

what did i do to you that wanted to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you did not wish the best for me? You could have said take the offer coz we might not work out, you could have said 'babe your career is more important right now' but you didn't you said 'trust me'. I gave you my all you at least owed me that.I have so many questions only you can answer,if you could treat me like that then surely you did not care, love knows no spite. I remember all the things that you said, 'I'm your world , I'm your life' I'm your this and I'm your that, were they all lies? Did you even like me? did I even if jus for a second make a fleeting stop on your heart? Did you ever once tell me the truth? When you said I was strong, I was wise, I was special, were you being kind or were you just fooling... Its not that I want you back or I need you back. For me to move on I have to know. You put me on a pedestal then when I was standing tall, snatched it from beneath me and i fell to the ground. You took away the belief that I had in the woman that I am, not because its over but becoz I feel I must have little worth, meant so little to you for you to hurt me the way that you did.

You might not have thought about it at the time.....never thought about the impact on my career or opportunities, it was never your problem....is not your problem, coz I should have known better to give up my life just for love..an elusive emotion that you can not even touch..... but if you had truly loved me, even simply liked me, how could it escape you?

I've heard you've moved on, got somebody else, had somebody else even when you were 'making plans for us' even as you were encouraging me to let the offer go...don't get me wrong you did not force me, I'm a grown woman, I did it coz I loved you, wanted to prove my love to you. I wanted to be your woman, your only woman, be all that you needed , all that you wanted, i thought I was, you said I was, so did you not owe me in the very least honesty to say...babe take the offer, my feelings have changed, I've got someone else????

I'm not questioning why you left,I too have left too many times so I know the drill by heart, besides I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for, she can offer you more but what i don't understand is why....why you encouraged me to change my plans, why you wanted to hurt me like that? why now you want to be 'friends' why you can pretend it never happened, why in the very least you cant say sorry? All i want is answers, not you back...just answers.

I want you to be happy....I want you to move on, i know you have moved on....I want you to have laughter,I want you to find love and happiness, I want you to have fulfillment, never cry, find contentment and always be at peace.....but above all that I wish the same for my self.......that's why I got to.....have to.....need to....write you this four paged letter...........

Today was supposed to be a good day........

2008-08-08T22:29:00.001+01:00

Today was supposed to have been a lovely day, not that i had anything special planned.... I just knew. I was in high spirits yesterday, convinced I had got my groove back, I wanted to celebrate, so I did what I usually do when I'm happy. I donned on my shortest barely there skirt, made sure the door was locked, put Kiss on to full blast and proceeded to do my housework, with a pause here and there to wiggle my bum a little or drop it like its hot. I danced, laughed, danced, had a water break, danced again,lowered the volume coz the neighbours were complaining and then did some more dancing. I felt good and I wanted to express it. Yes I could tell that tomorrow (which is now today) was going to be a good day.

I woke up this morning an hour behind schedule which would make me an hour and a half late for work. (If I wake up on time I am normally just 30 mins late....which is okay because the people at work know that what I lack in punctuality I make up for with business ac-um, so they overlook my tardiness, as long as I remain the most competent employee they have. I am now 1:30 mins late for work and worse off I am starting the day with a team meeting which I'm supposed to chair...........first sign that today might not turn out as good as I hoped

.......halfway in the day at work, phone rings its a client requesting an emergency appointment. I cant ignoreit, the client is one of our highest fee payers. I trek 160 miles just to hear her rant about her husband and how she wants me to help her file for divorce. (I'm thinking you selfish B.tch, at least you have a husband to divorce)She spends the next two hours ranting and raving...I realise I will not make my lunch date with my sister which I was looking forward to. The woman goes on and on, I nod in the right places whilst pretending not to look at my watch. a further hour later she states she has changed her mind and will give him another chance.....I trek back 160 miles to the office, having achieved nothing.......today is not really going to be a good day

my late appointment is in town over coffee. I arrive 10 mins late due to road works. He starts shouting at me, loudly in the restaurant. His wife wont let him see the children and that's because of my incompetence he claims, yet I'm newly assigned to this case, the one who is incompetent is on maternity leave, I feel like walking out but I stay..a customer is always right so he must be right..so he keeps shouting, I keep trying to eat my salad, he swears,I have a sip of water, he screams,i pretend to be interested in the painting over his head, he accuses me of ignoring him and then threatens to walk out, he doesn't know that in my mind I have walked out of this meeting over an hour ago........at this point I'm convinced today is not a good day

The one whose name will not be spoken calls, (yes his name will not be spoken.... is never spoken. He whose name will never be spoken committed crimes against humanity towards DM, just the mention of his name rips a fresh scar across my heart...thus he remains the one whose name we do not speak.) .....Hello he says......eeerrr hello says I........I need to speak to you he says (as if he was not already speaking)....I say I am busy....he ignores me....he says he has been thinking about my sexy self and wondering if I had a boyfriend.....I reply yes I have a boyfriend but deep down I'm thinking "Lord why oh why you let Lucifer land on my doorstep?".....he says he wants to see me and in the same breathe he says 'his wife and two sons are travelling from Nigeria next week' aloud I say hmmmmmm silently 'I whisper Lord deliver me from this evil' and hang up the phone........today does not look good at all....clouds are beginning to form on my horizon.

tonight I decide to unwind, nothing is going to bring me down......I go on msn....I have one instant message......YT....he says hie ....I pause debate whether to reply, the fool can see I'm online so I send back a terse ...hie. He writes something back.....I ignore it.....he writes something again....I send back a simple yes....he writes three sentences I respond with a simple maybe.....he writes a whole paragraph and has the audacity to LOL at the end. Dude just doesnt get it does he? he broke my heart at a time i didn't need it broken, he hurt me and I'm trying to get on with my life. He pretends as if we ended on good terms...I know we didn't.....he pretends we are now friends ....we were never friends only lovers...he says he still loves me....I know all he wants is another chance to be able to taste my Kitty Kat if I will permit him.....he thinks we can be friends...I want him out of my life...but he just doesn't get it....He asks me something I send a terse reply again...the fool wont get the message so I said bye and block him as a contact.....At this point I succumb to depression......today is definitely a bad day

tears start falling down my cheeks....I feel overwhelmed.......I break down....my soul is troubled.......I weep ...........not for the client who wasted my time, for i know she loves her husband its his infidelities she hates ......not for he who shouted at me for incompetence, all he wanted was to see his children.........not for he whose name will never be spoken, that jerk is not worth the salt of my tears.......and certainly not for YT, I picked myself up and I've kept on walking. I cried.......... not for those who denied me the chance to have a good day....I wept because all I had wanted and prayed for was for today to just be a good day........

Break Up Etiquette......................

2008-08-06T12:49:00.002+01:00

Its a tough one. Some break up and call each other names, sell stories to the tabloids, leak ex rated DVD 's on the Internet, smash each others cars, report each others misdemeanours, badmouth each other, spread rumors, revenge, go on Oprah, Jerry Springer or Trisha, for different relationships call for different kinds of break up Etiquette. I've never had to think about my BU Etiquette before, not that my previous relationships (note the plural) did not end acrimoniously, they did, but YT was my first 'celebrity coupling.' Okay he was not quite of the Brad Pitt fame, nor as infamous as Michael Jackson, he was not even as popular as my local MP, or the always inappropriately dressed Thornton's saleswoman...and then she wonders why in Newcastle there is a sudden influx of 24-60 year old males lining up for her vanilla scoops (yeah they definitely want to taste her vanilla alright!!), his was a different kind of fame. Me and YT shared the same interests, belonged to the same clubs, knew the same people, belonged to the same social networking sites. Where he blogged, I blogged, where he danced I danced, where he ate, I ate, in short our worlds were woven together, inter twinned just like one giant tapestry in the sky. Those who knew YT knew DM was his, those who knew DM knew YT was hers, it was a fact and not an opinion just like the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It was no surprise then, that the break up with YT was vastly littered with complications. What should the previously 'in a relationship' status feed on face book now read? should that joint blog that featured our escapades as a couple now come down? what do we tell each of our friends, more importantly what do we tell DM's friends that are also YT's friends? Do we bin all our photos as a couple? Do we trash that dvd we made in the throngs of passion?. What about my strictly no under 21's x rated photos i sent YT? The emails, the letters, the poems, the love notes? What about the online communities we once joined together? What goes and what stays? Who gives and who gets? Not that any of it was sorted out verbally, far from it. I woke up one morning Sleepless in Seattle and decided to 'clean out my closet' so out went the joint blog, the DVD, the nude photos, the poems, the letters, the love notes.......... for they never meant a thing to him..........I never meant a thing to him......twas jus whiling up time whilst he waited........ for something better.....perhaps somewhat skinner. The photos I kept, not that I'm in denial but jus for the memories, and as a personal remainder to thine self of a 101 reasons why love doesnt pay or better still maybe as potential future ammunition lol. Facebook was updated, I left a blank where 'in a relationship with YT' had been on the relationship status feed. 2mins later YT had also updated his face book profile...guess he had been waiting for me to do it first (his knows his manners that boy.....always ladies first)... but where mine had a blank, YT's stated single and interested in women. (he aint wasting no time...but then again why should he?).I decided to remove YT as my face book friend, I decided to take a rest from the ecommunities we had both frequented, it had just become to crowded for the both of us there...what with him getting his grove back on and me just trying to heal, I knew that something just had to give, and that something was me, not that I'm weak, I'm strong but not strong enough to watch a man I once loved, trying to warm some other chicks bed two seconds after jumping outta mine, so I gave him room to breathe which gave me room to heal. Its complicated this BU Etiquette business, do you say the real reason you broke up, especially if you the injured party? Do you give the whole low down on how they cheated, how they beat you up, how they lied? or do you have a celebrity exit full of 'no comments' or do you become the bigger person and just say 'no one was toblame it just fizzled out? Since facebook update and my disappearance from the ecomms, I have had numerous emails ranging from the concerned, to the spiteful, the nosy and the thoughtful, "what happened?" "who cheated?" "his a jerk" "I told you so." I've thought about being honest, telling the truth, laying the cards on the table........but I cant, all I do is send a polite "how are you, thanks for asking, DM and YT are both fine, doing okay, still in love,just got too much on our plates,right now, we need a break................now that's what I call good break up etiquette.

A bird in hand, sometimes aint worth two in the bush

2008-08-05T22:41:00.010+01:00

I had a one to one with Soulful today, her name at birth was Soulful, but if the name should fit the crime then Sorrowful should have been her name. Me and Soulful come a long way, its a pity then that her life has so much road let to travel, so many mountains to climb and treacherous rivers to cross. Soulful's mountains and rivers are none either than her death partner Lincoln. The man who is supposed to be her life partner, is her death partner, instead of giving her life , he brings her closer to death, slowly seeping the life out of her like a tick sucks blood out of a dog, sucking out her strength, erasing the woman that i loved, the woman that I called a friend, leaving a shell, a robot that can not chose its right from its left. Were this the animal kingdom I would have said Soulful is nothing left but a carcass whose flesh has been devoured by the vulture that is Lincoln. They have split up and made up. And split up and made up. and made up then split up.Then spilt up again and made up. They've travelled the world jut making up. She's got closets full of clothes from when they made up. She has diamond rings and golden bangles from a time he said sorry, in fact she has designer gear and monolo shoes for each and every time he cheated, hit her, abused her and used her. Her clothes and her jewellery sing the story of her life like a diary would say yours and mine, but hers was no ordinary life if it was a life at all. "Better the devil you know" she says again and again and again. He punches her 'better the devil you know' he slaps her 'better the evil you know', he abuses her emotionally 'its still better the devil you know' he cheats on her 'better the devil you know' he lies to her 'better the...............' when does the angel you don't know become better than the devil you do know? What makes us stick in situations we are not happy in, jobs we hate getting up in the morning for, keep friends that we feel are more toxic than good, stay in relationships that we have long outgrown , that are going no where or that are more toxic than good? Are we afraid to move on?do we have such a low self esteem that we feel that this is the best we can do or the most we can ever hope for? are we desperate for fulfillment/a man or woman such that any man or any woman no matter how badly they treat us will do? Why put up with devils, when you can go looking for angels? For every Lucifer out there ain't there a Jesus? Not that I'm encouraging every sista or brother to up and leave their relationships, jobs or friendships, relationships are hard work, you got to put in the hard graft.............but when it becomes torture, when you cry more often than you laugh, when the only exercise your partner does is domestic boxing, if you have a dress for each time he beat you, if you sharing your woman or man with Billy,Jason, Conrad and Stephen, when all you seem to do is make up and break up and make up and breakup and breakup and makeup, then maybe its time for you to realise............that sometimes a bird in hand, ain't worth two in the bush............................

From Penrith to Sheffield: the journey of an empty paper cup

2008-08-04T22:52:00.010+01:00

It was a life changing experience, not that it had set out to be, of course it hadn't. This was a different sort of 'life changing moment' not quite as momentous as passing your A levels, getting married or being fired from your first job, but it did change my life, that paper cup changed my way of thinking in a way that paper cups don't routinely change your life. It was a very ordinary sort of paper cup from a very ordinary sort of coffee shop, contain a certainly not quite upmarket brand of decaffeinated coffee. If anything the decaff coffee had no business being bought, it was too expensive, tasted cheap, plus as British weather goes it was quite a hot and humid day more fitting for cola than coffee. My first encounter with the paper cup was at Penrith Station, not that there were any further encounters after this, but it just sounds better saying it that way. I was on my way to Sheffield with my line Manager, bored, tired and had run out of small talk, After all there is very little to be said to your boss in the way of chit chat least you get carried away and start blubbering on about the 4 day sick leave you took last month when you were quite not so sick but more drunk. Anyway with the chit chat over and done with in the first 3 minutes of us being together, and out of sheer desperation I did what I do best in a crisis,, create a deficit in my bank account, which means in lay mans language shop. Not that you would call buying an expensive substandard coffee at a train station shopping, but that's how the coffee cup started its journey en route to Sheffield. I drank the substandard coffee in two or three gulps not coz it was nice but that it gave me a reasonable excuse why not to engage in small chit chat with you know who. anyway so come Lancaster and all I have left is a empty dirty paper cup and no bin to chuck it in. No bins in the train , no bins at Lancaster train station, no bins when we changed at Manchester Piccadilly and no bins when we change at Stockport. I was desperate to get rid of coffee cup it was just unnecessary excess baggage that I didn't not need. Unnecessary excess baggage that i could do without. It was making it almost impossible to carry all my bags and on occasion when we reached a bumpy stretch it would roll all over the carriage way and i would have to run around looking for it. it started to annoy me this coffee cup, I just couldn't get rid of it. I had no more use of it but still I kept it. I could have chucked it on the floor but i wondered what people would do, what they would say. It was making me miserable but still I hang on to it as if it was a life support machine and my life depended on it. Finally we reach Sheffield after a miserable 4 hour journey on the train. I race to customer services to complain, why I had to be saddled with an unfortunate travel companion when the rail company could just have provided bins . "But madam "the customer service chap said 'you should just have left it at the train platform in Penrith we have cleaners who would just have got rid of it, you didn't need to lug it around totally unnecessary." this got me thinking 'how many coffee cup' do we lug around in our live and simply refuse to put down simply because we don't want to not because we cant? I thought of all the coffee cups i was lugging around past hurts, past mistakes, things i should have done that I didn't and things that i did that i shouldn't. I released that some of the stuff i was lugging around was useless, making me miserable and just excess baggage i didn't need, just like that empty coffee cup. The experience with the paper coffee cup didn't quite change my life but it changed my thinking. It changed the ways I viewed things even about my emotional coffee cups from my encounter with YT, cause i didn't need to carry them round no more. Just as lugging round that coffee cup had been my choice, coz i was afraid of what people would say, i thought i shouldn't i couldn't, that was the same way i was dealing with all my emotional baggage from YT I thought i couldn't chuck it away, i thought i couldn't i just wouldn't......................now i know i can and I have. The journey from Sheffield was much lighter, not only had I chucked the coffee paper cup but all my emotional baggage as well. I feel much happier now, am in a much better place within myself, finally I can honestly say I'm free...........all thanks to an empty paper cup's journey from Penrith to Sheffield.

Customers please note: no refunds, returns,or exchanges allowed in this shop.......

2008-08-02T22:31:00.007+01:00

En route from church I went shopping this afternoon, not that Jesus hadn't tried his best to uplift my soul and make my spirit sing Hallelujah again. He had, but as feel good factors go, I was just being greedy, there's nothing quite like retail therapy to get that adrenaline pumping again. My adrenaline pumped alright, I hit all my favourite shops, Selfridges, Top Shop, Zara, House of Frasier, that adrenaline rush sure came at a price, £137.54 pence to be exact. In light of this credit crunch bizzness causing havoc with peoples pockets, I should have probably made do with Jesus, at least his hallelujah feel good soul shaking is free with even biscuits and coffee thrown in at the end. Okay there I was standing in line at New Look, paying for something or another. Not that I know how I found myself there, I don't like New Look, to me its a payday version of Primark. Don't ask me what that means, don't have enough money least New Look decides to sues. Anyway there I was waiting to get served in New Look when the lady behind the counter who is not doing a very good job of being fast and efficient ( not that £5.34 an hour provides much in the way of motivation for being quick and efficient) exclaims in a loud 'look I don't get paid enough to be dealing with this' kind of tone, "I'm sorry it says on the receipt no refunds, or exchanges allowed on sale items." This definitely gets my attention and well that of the other 16 odd plus customers waiting to pay for their 'not quite like Top Shop but more up market then Primark,' New Look merchandise. The customer a hefty size 20 is trying to return a dress which suspiciously looks like a size 12 ( yes some people are THAT delusional) tries desperately to uuuh, ahhh, beg and plead but the shopping assistant on £5.34 an hour is having non of it, I'm sorry she says 'Its company policy, no refunds or exchanges allowed on sale items." (what happened to the customer always being right). The size 20 lady who is almost a size 12 (in her mind that is ) slinks away in a huff probably off to weight watchers determined to get that non refundable size 12 dress fitting before Christmas....... now all this palaver about no refunds or exchanges gets me thinking, would I take him back? Seriously if YT was to appear right there in New Look, down on bended knees, heart in hands, tears in his eyes, his pride torn to shreds (yeah I'm not being melodramatic here, but me thinks that if someone has to beg they better do it right!), and asks me to take him back, would I? (not that his asking but what if ?). Just like New Look, Definitely Maybe has always had a 'no returns policy' stamped on her heart. Its either you stay in or you sty out. You leave, you lock the door behind you and throw away the key. I do not watch reruns on TV and I conduct my relationships (if you can call them that the same way. No matter how much i enjoyed the film or loved the bloke, or still love the bloke, I don't do refunds period. I am one of those stick to my guns type. The type that would cut off my nose to spite my face type. The foolish type. The either its black or white type. The type that allows no room for failure no margin for error. I'm the type that expects perfection even though I cant give it, the one step out of line and you are gone type. My mother has a favourite saying when it comes to relationships 'only a dog will eat its own vomit (self explanatory huh?) so you see I am my mother's child. But maybe just maybe should I allow a little room in my life for error? Does everyone not make mistakes? I have had a few good men in my life (so I've been told by others) but I let them go simply because they could not confirm to the Definitely Maybe Military school of expectation , harsh discipline and demands of 100% perfection. Is it time for DM just like New Look to compromise on that no refunds policy least I drive all 'my customers' (potential for happiness) away. What is it that I am afraid of? What is it that lies in the murky waters of my past that has made my heart rigid when it comes to second chances? Should people be given second chances? Is it a second chance to make things better, or a second chance to break your heart all over again? To those who are into second, third or even forth chances, are the risks worth it? was it better the second time round? The bible says forgive 70 times 70 times, but can you not forgive without being foolish? Is it not once bitten twice shy? Is giving someone a second chance to make things right, foolishness, or is it simply being human? so if YT was to appear right there in New Look, heart in hands, tears in his eyes, his pride torn to shreds, would I?............. Suddenly its my turn to be served, I smile reach up to the counter and whisper to the customer service assistant, on £5.34 pence an hour, "maybe, just maybe, there ought to be refunds, or exchanges allowed in this shop...............

Sleepless in Seattle.............

2008-07-31T22:52:00.004+01:00

Okay so it wasn't Seattle, and definitely not involving Meg Ryan, far from it, I am to Meg Ryan as the third division is to the premiership: unmentionable in the same sentence totally taboo. Having said that who buys a season ticket to third division matches? That's like asking for a PlayStation 3 for your birthday and getting a PlayStation 1, not quite the same thing, is it?

Tonight Definitely Maybe and Meg Ryan discover they have something in common, only unlike Meg I do not have the backup plan of a dishy radio DJ in the form of Tom Hanks to lull me to sleep. The hours roll by 0012...then 0210 ....0224..then 0240.at 0313 I start to lose count, I give up clock watching, get up, plod down the stairs (I say plod because my body fat mass ratio does not allow me to do anything else.) to raid the fridge, but there is nothing....wait I tell I lie, there was a big tub of butter and shrivelled remains of what looks like spring onions or is it green beans? on closer inspection it looks and smells like left over leeks. I close the door and plod back upstairs again. Shrivelled remains...reminds me of my broken shrivelled heart. Everything i see is an acronym of my life, a young lady without an umbrella getting soaked in the rain, a candle snuffed out by a big gust of wind, broken glass in the car park remnant of a car theft the previous evening, a cat wandering the streets way past midnight...its probably lost its way home and wondering if its owner will come searching or simply switch off the lights and go to his bed..even the world without words is depicting my life. 97,96,95.....83.....54... I try to count sheep, I reach 23 and give up its 0630 nearly time to wake up. I sit and stare at the cloudless sky, I want answers but all I get is rain. Rain falling on my window sill and its not even October, rain falling in my heart yet outside the world continues to sleep whilst I weep. Is it a curse of the troubled mind that it can not sleep...It knows no rest. Its not that I miss YT(there we go again), I still do but tonight its about much more than that. I feel robbed, I feel cheated...I run out of words..but my heart weeps the story whose words I cant utter. I long for my eyes to close, welcome the bliss and solitude that is sleep... for in the comfort of my dreams I can take refuge from this my life if only for an hour or two until the alarm clock rings. I give up plod back downstairs......I switch on the TV and turn on the lights....... the movie begins...Meg takes to the stage.....tonight just for one night we have something in common.....for tonight jus like Meg Ryan I'm sleepless in Seattle..........

Guilty Pleasures..........

2008-07-30T10:18:00.008+01:00

Some things are just not meant to be good for you, they might make you smile and become all warm and fuzzy inside but they are still not good for you. Guilty pleasures, our little slices of heaven with dollops of hell as dessert, irresistible you've just got to eat it, drink it,buy it, sell it , do it,have him, date her. Like moths to the light, caution thrown to the wind, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Living in the moment, we become careless, like modern day Goliath's fearless of the impending consequences. That 12 oz cake at tea time, foolish impulsiveness, suddenly your dress size 8 becomes a 16, that one night stand behind the pub, steamy and sizzling without a thought that today's unprotected sex is tomorrows gonorrhea syphilis or HIV. What makes us live in the moment, so oblivious to the danger and repercussions to follow? What is it about our sense of being, that can make us throw months of hard work, tough fitness regime, careful budget ting, safe sex practices for the simple benefit of 2, 3 7 or maybe 20 minutes of pleasure followed by disproportionate amount of pain via weight gain, job loss, bankruptcy and STD's. As human beings have we some secret fetish for pain and suffering that we plunge headlong into the roaring flames and hope we come out unscathed? My guilty pleasure that isn't supposed to be good for me called last night. Yes none other than Yours Truly (YT), you are all probably sick of hearing his name, but maybe just maybe in the process of blogging him to death, I just might, even if its just a teeny itsy bit of a chance blog him right out of my heart!!. My heart skipped a bit, tummy doing somersaults grand enough to pre qualify me for the Chinese Olympics had I the stamina to enter. Knees weak, voice all squeaky and mousy, suddenly I'm transformed from the confident woman who was at the acceptance stage of grief and ready to embrace my singleness into this quivering jungle of a mess ready to scream 'take me Back' Take me Back YT suddenly weeks of a careful and long drawn effort to get over YT count for nought. My guilty pleasure, speaking to YT is my guilty pleasure, reminds me why I first feel in love with him, still am in love with him despite YT having RTS (returned to sender) the tiny little shreds of glass wrapped in cellophane, yes that was all that what was left of my heart when YT did the dirty with Face book friend. 3hrs of pure undiluted dollops of guilty pleasure hearing his voice across the miles, across the phone......... I'm caught in the moment, mindless of the fact that he broke my heart, mindless of the fact that it still hurts, mindless of the fact that I need time to recover, get him out of my system, heedless of the fact that when I get off the phone I'll probably cry......... Its pleasure and its guilty and I'm loving every single 180mins of it...... He cracks a joke I laugh..... pays a compliment and I blush.....he pauses......drops his voice and whispers "You know what Definitely Maybe, I've never stopped loving you," It is at that precise moment I realise that warm fuzzy feelings or no warm fuzzy feelings, some things no matter how much they make you smile and throw caution to the wind are still guilty pleasures.................. not meant to be good for you

.....And Lead us not into temptation

2008-07-29T19:41:00.019+01:00

Not that I would ever want to be in Eve's position, yes that Eve, the Eve from the garden of Eden, that Eve who allegedly cursed all women kind into experiencing a somewhat terrifying version of Friday the 13th but with a happy ending called Child birth, lucky then that when she committed that fateful faux pas, did the deed with the serpent she was at that point the only female on earth. I shudder to think what would have happened to her had a lynch mob of women been present on the fateful day when Eve learnt her fate for her trespasses. Without a doubt Eve wouldn't have survived that indiscretion.....hell hath no fury like women who feel they are being punished for the indiscretions of another.
Okay in case you are wondering I'm not going to go all Hallelujah brother Jesus on you. I got thinking about Eve coz sometime this afternoon definitely Maybe felt as if she was having that same conversation Eve had with the serpent in Eden. Only that DM's Eden was her desk during a lunch break and the serpent none other than 'The One who Got Away' henceforth known as TOWGA for short. Now don't be confusing Yours Truly (YT) with Towga. Towga was way before YT's time (yeah between you and I, I've been round the block a bit). Towga would have been my back up spouse just in case things did not go according to plan with YP ( well obviously save for the small glitch in the plan which was in the form of Towga's current live in girlfriend and the daughter they have together....but that's a story for another post). Towga was the love of my youth before the love of my entire life universe and soul YT came into the picture. Towga is the one that taught me all about love before I went to the State of the art Swiss finishing school called YT, You get the drift YT was the main actor and Towga the under study, Towga a pretty good meat free vegan substitute to YT's 12oz T Bone steak of a man. Not that I'm planning to eat any of the two but no doubt if I was to pick any man in the world who YT had to fear in terms of urpsing him from being Mr Definitely Maybe, then it wouldn't be Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Blair Underwood (well i tell I lie it would have been Blair Underwood had there been even the faintest whiff that I could bag him ) but for the purposes of this post it was Towga. Not that YT had anything to fear from Towga , after all in my eyes YT was the world's greatest, right up there with Muhammad Ali not that I've had Muhammad Ali that is (but if he is offering....). Okay so back to the garden of Eden...Towga phones me this afternoon (having caught wind of the fact that Definitely Maybe is single again via the evil medium of face book updates). After asking about my health ( not the sexual health that would have been too obvious wouldn't it?), he drops the bombshell, Live in Girlfriend plus daughter are away visiting the in laws in Zimbabwe and his decided to take a little vacation and catch up with Definitely Maybe visit for a few days, nothing dodgy everything above board. (yeah right I'm thinking I know the kind of catching up you wanting to do alright.......). I must admit I was tempted, nothing like a rebound relationship without the potential to go anywhere, to help me get over YT and propel me right into the I'm single and I'm going to make the most of it phase. But I don't roll like that, as much as it sounds tempting YT is very much a part of who I am and it would take someone twice maybe thrice as nice as YT and definitely more than 10times as nice as Towga (minus the complications of the live in girlfriend and the daughter) to get Miss Definitely Maybe to get past the I miss YT phase into the 'Can someone please taste my kitty Kat stage' so as my cellphone rings and I see once again its Towga on the prowl, I cant help but say a quick prayer, Lord please lead me not into temptation....................

If you're Happy and You know it...........

2008-07-28T19:30:00.001+01:00

if you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
And you really want to show it............
Well you all know how the rest of that rhyme goes, a bit silly really. Not that anyone will want to be seen not clapping least 'the others' discover how sad and lonely our lives actually are...so instead we all happily clap along as if our lives are one big merry go around and we don't want to get off.Which brings me swiftly to Yours Truly. Well Yours Truly (from hence forth YT) is the man who Definitely Maybe was going to gallop down the alter with. Yes gallop not walk, DM was not going to leave any room for cold feet so a nice gentle gallop towards the alter to get that blood rushing and those feet blazing hot. Well to cut a long story short YT galloped alright, straight into the arms of Miss Face book Friend. Yeah face book don't get me started on that one, its right up there in the boyfriend snatcher top ten with them high school reunion and myspace websites you all know what I'm talking about but that's a post for another day. Okay back to being happy. I met YT and Face book Friend at the neighbourhood barbecue the other day, well it wasn't exactly by prior appointment. If I had known I would have worn my Im sooooooooo over you jeans together with my cropped top that screams I'm single and available (and maybe a little slutty) . YT and Face book friend just had to say hie trying to act like there is no bad blood between us. They looking all happy and having that 'we are so in love and its forever' kinda look. I'm dying to run away from there but instead I smile widely like a moronic fool and say rather loudly I'm doing great, fabulous, I'm having sooo much fun being single loving each and every day, I Have time to do all those things I ever wanted to, I'm catching up with my friends, there is this bloke that I have started to see but I'm not soo sure as there is another quite so wealthy guy asking me out. I'm doing great just marvelous. YT acting all cool shrugs and says "well I'm happy for you but if you ever need a friend........" (as if). Tried my best to ignore them, tried to flirt (dismally) with all the guys at Barbee just to show YT that I'm sooooo over you. which I'm not. I've cried, I have wept, I have screamed till my voice is hoarse. I'm not eating, I have scrawled I miss YT in my diary in big felt pens, I've been spying on him and Face book Friend on face book, myspace, high school reunion. Yeah I got it that bad but when the speakers start blaring the good old 'if you happy and you know it nursery rhymes look out for the girl with the huge grin on her face clapping the hardest and singing the loudest coz Yes I'm Happy and I really want to show it!!!

Notches on my Bedpost

2008-07-26T22:15:00.001+01:00

Not that I have a chastity belt tied round my waist but surely in this highly sexuliased world we living in the fact that I can still count the number of men who have tasted my kitty Kat on one hand should surely count for something? Was tallying up my notches this afternoon, with Yours Truly shown the exit door.....well not really we all know how that horse bolted, didn't have the courtesy to use the door smashed right through my window leaving broken glass everywhere......well the window in my heart that is, smashed it into pieces and stamped on it as well, but hey whose complaining I'm happy remember!!!! Anyway with Yours Truly gone I'm petrified that a couple of replacements or rather rebound relationships later will propel me firmly into the 'I need two hands to count my notches club' Not that there is anything wrong with having a fair amount of notches on your post. hell in this day and age of sexual liberation why not? But I have always been the conservative type, the type that finishes undressing in bed, the type that would rather make love in the dark, yes the I'm having great sex but I don't want to talk about it type so you can understand why I'm a bit frantic about moving into the two hands notches clubs. So it was a gloomy and worried Definitely Maybe revisiting her options this afternoon torn between becoming celibate and abstaining, not that I have a choice, its not as if the Brad Pitts of this world are breaking down my Kitty Kat door trying to enter. Why is it its the quantity of sexual partners that matters not the quantity or the quality of the encounters? Does someone who has had ten one night stand stand in the same boat as someone who has had ten sexual partners? How many notches are just about right notches is it 5 10 20 or 100? Why is it men were handed a better bargain when it came to bedpost rules because for men the more the notches the higher you rank in esteem but for women start creeping past your second hand into using your toes too and you are labelled by vocabulary which is strictly not for the ears of u18's. Come to think of it I know quite a few women who when it comes to bedpost notches can only count up to five. take my friend Rubber Duck (you get the drift) was on notch number 5 when we last compared notes but one year and 33 one night stands later she still insists she is still on notch number 5. Ridiculous yes but such is societies narrow minded and intolerant view of women's sexuality that we are forced to be creative when tallying up our notches, so if ever another relationship should ever crop up on the horizon it will still be an anxious Definitely Maybe hoping fervently that the fact that she can still count her notches on one hand will count for something.

Bills Bills Bills

2008-07-22T11:36:00.002+01:00

I know lonely and sad when I see it. Its 0152 in the morning. the girls have all gone to bed and switched off the lights, am writing the blog in the dark using the light from my phone as a guide when i need to see the keys on the key board. how low can one get, I really need to get a life. speaking of which at the moment mine is pretty non existent or I wish it was anyway, have bills loads of bills been letting them slide thinking they will go away, but if you have ever had dealings with the debt collectors you willl know they are the sort that never go anyway infact the dude will even camp at your door step the whole day or even three depending on where you have told your partner to pretend you have gone. The dude goes 'have you got anything of value? ' as if I would freely give him that information like yeah I have got a sony xiao laptop plus a state of the art surround system not to mention the 50 inch sony plasma with HDTV I recently just bought.
yes I have recently bought one of them 50inch what nots. i know a person with such bad debt has no business shelling out 1500 quid on them non essentials but in my defense I had a really good reason for buying it, it was literally the difference between life and death for me. was very depressed having recieved three maybe six of them final notice letters as if I would finally pay up, (you wonder what types of idiots work for those credit collection departments.) why in the world if I have managed to ignore the first notice, the second, the third and the not so polite forth notice would they think that by changing the number from 3 to final i would suddenly do the right thing (actually the unthinkable thing in my case ) and pay up?
okay i was very depressed and suicidal thoughts roaming in my mind. not that I was thinking of killing myself but it helps get you really depressed, anyway i then passed this electrical shop and thought what a good way to cheer.......................you know what forget it if you really want to know I just saw the damn thing, liked it and bought it, so you can shove that up the debt collectors bottom when you see him cause final notice or final final final notice I aint paying up!!!!!

Create some room in your head.........

2008-07-16T11:38:00.003+01:00

......for my scribbles and squiggles
allow me to vent
laugh with me
Cry with me
Dance with me
help me unravel the scribbles and squiggles in my head so that I can begin to understand me, make sense of what it means to be my mother's child.
This blog will be a chance for me to put into words what my heart feels, desires , needs, hopes and aspires for. This blog will be mainly about me, my life and those that have touched my life in any possible way whether good or bad.....