Conversations with my inner man ............

*long post as usual*
The past week has been quite hectic mental wise for me. I meant to post this last week (which is the week im referring to) but like i mentioned in my previous post there was a lot of stuff in my head I couldnt make sense of , loads of squiggles and scribbles. I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week and this post probably reflects a lot of the turmoil and confusion as I had conversations with my inner man.

Several things have happened some which are life changing in the great scheme of things but are too boring to blog about, some which I cant blog about without seriously invading the privacy of some extremely private individual, some which I promised never to blog about again...which then leaves me with very little I can share about the events of this past week. YT has been in touch not that its in anyway relevant to this post but i thought I would give him a mention in case some of you might be wondering what happened to him (and no a bus did not run him over like a fellow blogger wished, he is still alive and kicking.. lol) but its good that we might have come full circle back to the point of just being msn friends like we were in the beginning.... nothing complicated.

I'm kinda annoyed that I'm no longer affected by my previous relationship with YT not that I wanted to carry on hurting forever but now that my friends and family know that he has been relegated to jus being one of the X's and a friend they are no longer willing to keep bank rolling the MDM must recover soon project. they are no longer willing to be ready and willing with special favours, treats and spoiling me in a bid to get me on the road to recovery quick quick. Like during my period of mourning my aunt didn't think twice about giving me her designer bag and just this previous week she has come to collect it saying that now that I have recovered I don't need it (the cheek). My friends who about a month ago this time would have gladly taken me out and paid and bought drinks are now asking me to contribute to the night out kitty. So you must understand why i miss the pampering which has rapidly disappeared coz im happy again.....ah well guess will have to be content with waiting until the next heartbreak lol.

I think this week was a roller coaster week for me, loads of rainbows, sunshine, silver linings kisses and cuddles that like the pessimist that I am I'm thinking this ship is bound to crash pretty soon. Work is great, home life couldn't be better, relationship wise I'm content, it feels really sexy and liberating to be able to say to potential suitors who come aknocking 'yes Im single but I'm not available', but the attention is good (well annoying sometimes) but being called beautiful/sexy/hot etc has never really landed anyone in hospital has it. But for some reason this week I have also been doing a lot of soul searching. Which brings us to the subject of the post today

Conversations with my inner man...........

And lead me not into temptation
but above all
save me
Save me oh Lord I pray
deliver me from my worst enemy
for she threatens to consume me
From my tormentor within,
rescue me from myself
Save me from what my experience with him is moulding me into
Rescue me from this person that I've become.

?
How is it possible that one can do/perform/take part/participate/experience a perfectly ordinary normal 'thing' but feel remarkably ashamed and guilty afterwards? is it the act itself that makes it wrong or is it your feelings after the act that makes the act wrong or is it I have crisscrossed emotionally so many times between doing whats good and that which is bad that in the confusion my conscience which dictates my morality can no longer distinguish whats right from whats wrong? (and no I'm not referring to sex lol)

I'm wondering why?
Its just one of those days and Im wondering why.......
Im wondering why you said you would never leave,
yet your feet were halfway through the door.
Why you asked for my heart
yet all you needed was to hold my head.
Why you made me your princess
When what you really needed was a queen
Its just one of those days and im wondering how
How you could say I was your star
and forget to tell me you owned the milk way
How you can promise to make me happy
yet all you do is make me cry
How you plan to take me to the moon
when you've never owned a spaceship
How friends can swear to have your back
yet stab you in the front?
Im wondering how you planned to bring me the universe
When you yet to conquer the earth
I wonder why we claim to be lovers
yet all we are, are fcukers
Im wondering why those we love never stay
Or why we never love those that stay
Im wondering how one can use a million words
yet say absloutely nothing
How one can lie naked on the floor
and yet not reveal nothing
why someone can say forever when all they mean is we will see.
Guess its one of those days I'll have to keep wondering why?

For the first time

For the first time in my life (well not strictly true but near enough) I apologised to someone first. I said ssorry without adding a but at the end or tryna justify myself. For the first time I didnt care about being always right or thinking I know everything or winning a fight. For the first time I said Im sorry without expecting to be automatically forgiven, I apologised and meant it. For the first time it wast all about me, and what I want, what I think and me having my own way. For the first time I understand what it means to be humble and its a good feeling. Although Im yet to get an acknnowledgement of my admission to being wrong, I dont mind, for I think I have learnt an improtant lesson that sometimes its okay not to be always right..........and admit it.

Questions for my pastor that will at best remain 'un-asked'

Can you 'do' somebody so many times that you earn the right to be called a legitimate fcuk and absolve yourself of the guilt that is normally associated with being the other woman........?

Since when has being some one's girlfriend/concubine/person he is seeing/ earned the same 'though shall not trespass on my land legal rights as you would be entitled to if you were actually married to someone?

should I feel any shame/remorse/ guilt and ask for forgiveness for my trespasses if i break up said not biblical or traditionally officially union?

If God intended said not yet legal unions to be unbreakable instead of saying 'what God has joined together let no man put asunder' would he not have chosen his words differently and said 'what God is most likely to join together in the future do not put asunder right now lest it will not successfully be joined together in the future because of your putting it asunder?

If it is perfectly okay (biblical and traditional wise) to have two or more wives, should then the other women not be referred to as sluts/prostitutes/hos/goldiggas and be respectfully referred to as 'legitimate wives in the making?

I ask my dear pastor not to absolve myself or anyone else of any guilt, but I ask so that maybe I can find some justification for that which once upon a time in my ignorance I swore I would never become............