How NOT to Beak Up........................

The last two weeks have been really quite hectic, plenty of gist and very little time.I start the new job tomorrow, ecstatic better pay, better job, better conditions in a much nicer town, what more could a girl wish for? Went to see my new workmates last week Wednesday....the jury is still out but they seemed like a pretty decent bunch
I finally went on a much needed holiday break with my sisters and my cousins and (cue drum rolls.......)i met a boy!!!!! (trust me though there was nothing boyish about him,pure undiluted heart stopping eye candy of a man, straight off the front cover of vogue/fitness today but before you get the popcorn out,nothing x rated happened but my heart still does treble flips every time i think about him lol. ( will blog about it when I get time)

I finally moved home, well moved towns and the whole experience has been amazing (save for the extortionate amount i paid the removal company etc but its good to be back close to family. ) Its also given me a plausible excuse to redecorate (well technically you cant call decorating a new house (re)decorating but I've gone all out on the painting and furnishings, my bedroom is straight out of sex and the city grand designs (will try and upload a photo.)But it seems such a shame for such a sensual erotic room to go to waste (well i have been abstaining since February) perhaps its time to break the fast lol, speaking of which temptation has been flying in from left right and centre, actually temptation is too strong a word, there have been offers to blow my mind, send me to the tenth heaven, give me the night of my dreams etc etc but am so not interested. Speaking of not being interested what's up with guys and 'wanting you back?' well actually i will leave it for my next post (well the one after the one about my 'holiday romance' without the romance lol).

About a month ago ~Sirius~ wrote a post about guys and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally I think its 'okay' for someone to leave a relationship, after all the pledge 'till death do us part' is only made at the point of marriage so at any point before that anybody whether male or female should be allowed to reconsider their options/what they are looking for coz relationships are all about searching for something and in any search you follow a few blind leads.HOWEVER (and its a big however) what I am not okay with is the manner in which most guys choose to leave. Looking at the break up experiences of friends etc these are some of the categories i came up with.....

like a thief in the night
you talked to him the previous night, he promised to pass by the next day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day , or the next or the weekend he doesn't turn up, you try and call him his phone goes unanswered, you call his friends they are all being evasive, he doesn't call he doesn't pass by, nothing.....no explanation, no goodbye doesn't even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address, its as if he has been wiped out from the face of the earth ....you alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel for an emergency. sometimes he will resurface with a stupid but plausible (if u drunk) explanation ..sometimes you will accidentally meet six months later at the neighbourhood club and he will try and give you a cock and bull story about how he went thru a difficult time blah blah blah and he can explain.....allow him to explain and he wont be able to, sometimes he will resurface on face book but then sometimes you never hear from him again.

like the second coming of Christ
This is different from the first. This one doesn't disappear from the face of the earth but the break up is out of the blues, totally unexpected catches you unawares. You think you have a good thing going, you are even making plans to marry him thinking he is the one and all. He appears committed to the relationship, everything is going fine, your friends love him, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about him.......you spent valentines day together, buys you a big ass present for your birthday all your friends envy you.............until one day out of the blues he says his sorry his not feeling the relationship anymore, he wants space, wants out, needs time to clear his head, he doesn't know what he wants. In your head you are thing WTF since when have you been feeling this way? was it not yesterday you were calling me your future wife? But the guy is not joking he is serious and just like that it is over, no one can believe you, you cant believe it either, hell you did not see this coming, you thought you were happy together dammit!!!!!!

don't shoot the messenger
This one is pretty humiliating, the dude has no guts to tell you its over, or he is not feeling you anymore so he sends his best friend or your best friend to either 'hint' that he is no longer interested or for them to tell you straight up that it is over. Sometimes his best friend will tell you crap like 'I really like you as a sister so i just thought i should give you some brotherly advise Olu is not serious i think you deserve better he is not ready to settle down, trust me i know I am his friend and it hurts me that he treats you like that' Such a long speech and you think this guy is looking out for you when in actual fact he is looking out for his friend who wants to dump you but doesn't have the courage to say it to your face so he sends a messenger.

The telephone game
I don't know if any of you remember the telephone game.....the one where you all stand in line and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person ......the message is passed down the line until the last person has to repeat what they were told out loud. Imagine you are the last person standing in the queue (enough said). You know the kind of break up where you are the last to know........where everyone else is aware he is no longer interested or that he is already chatting up some other girl or he is already dating some other chicca or he is actually marrying someone else etc. This too is humiliating, you get mad at your friends for not telling you.......but their excuse is 'we thought you knew'.

Big Brother Style
(Davina McCall shouting in large microphone)....................this is big brother you are being evicted!!!!!!! okay i guess this one is self explanatory. Your break up is loud and messy. He just doesn't break up with you, he wants the whole world to know every intricate detail. He is not only content with breaking up with you, he wants to humiliate you as well, hell he would even put a notice in the Sunday Times if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody who is willing to listen what happened between the two of you, your private life is laid bare, he will even share juicy bits of your love life, go on and on about how lousy you are in bed etc etc. You want to crawl into a corner and die, the whole neighborhood now knows your business, the whole church knows you slept together on the first date.......he will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together, you just want to crawl into your bed and hide, you are sick of the calls from friends asking 'is it true'

The fake gentleman
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but he is too much of a coward ( or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to breakup with you)so he does things to make you break up with him instead so that you eventually end the relationship (successfully passing the buck for the relationship ending on to you when that's what he wanted all along.)

Sex and the city style
remember when Carrie got dumped via a post it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and the doorman notified her that it was over? there are so many different variations of this (email, text message, instant messenger) but all of them equally cowardly and totally selfish.

With a bang
self explanatory, he shags you then dumps you (enough said).

Hurricane Katrina
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams, leaves you devastated, destroys you,your whole being, your self esteem everything. shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable, some of it will be costly /expensive and will take time to repair. You are a broken woman, he leaves you feeling like you have lost everything, everything you ever worked for, lived for, you cant believe this is happening to you, sometimes you will be in denial, sometimes you will be so angry at God at everyone, you wonder how it could have happened to you? You have to start afresh but you don't know how........

Its not that there is ever a 'good way to break up' a break up will always be difficult and painful for one if not both of the parties but i still think that people should be able to break up in a sensitive and 'bloodless' manner. Unfortunately things always end badly for if things were not bad they would not have ended but i think it is always courteous to break up in person where possible. Please share your break up experiences so that I know whether I'm talking through my ass as usual. Ps although i am well aware of how people should not break up i do not have any answers on how people should.....if they need to at all.......break up.

Might be AWOL for some time but will definitely be checking your blogs even if i might not have time to leave a comment.

No more Drama

Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private space..my blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.

When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had done....read him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?

Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.

I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'

"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'

ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol

I'm sending you a four paged letter..........

To Whom It May Concern (YT)


Reference: Answers

I wasn't going to write, there was no point, for if you didn't realise it then, you wont realise it now, even if I wrote it in blood on a ten foot banner and hang it on top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part, and i am not weak I refuse to be weak, but Nixx said I should, (write to you that is), she says I owe it to myself, she says only when I have poured out my heart (actually not my heart but my pain) that's when I can release my demons and totally completely wholly move on. Nixx says I have physically moved on because I got up and walked and am still walking, but she says I left my soul behind at that precise moment I spoke to you and you said you needed space........She says I have to go back and pick up my heart even if its in shreds I still need to retrace my steps and pick it up, for it is mine, I'm restless without it....Nixx says I'm losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me is still trapped in that day that phone call.....She says you can not heal without being cured, and you can not be cured until you get the right treatment, and you can not get the right treatment until you know the source of the pain....she says I need to go back to the source......I need to face my demons so that I can tell them to flee.....for me to do that i need answers............so I'm writing you a four paged letter.........

I could be the bigger person and say 'I hope this letter finds you in good health' but I don't have the strength to pretend i feel that which I do not, so I'm going to tell it like i feel it. I don't wish you harm neither do I wish you well, if that makes me less of a woman, then I'm happy being a child.My heart feels what my lips can not convey, so much I want to say to you, but i know not the words, I can only feel. I wish we could just for a second swap souls, then maybe you would feel what I wish no man to feel but that which torments my mind and I find no rest. I ask myself questions that only you can answer. I feel like a horse that is groomed for the races by its owner, day by day he trains it, he makes it work twice as hard coz he wants t to be the best, but when it is ready, and fit enough to take the trophy, he cuts off its legs so that it can not compete.

I loved you, don't ask me if i still do, even I don't know if that question has answers, but right now at this hour, this second I feel more pain than love, more hurt than disappointment.I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, how can you own what you never had? Even the law says ownership is 3/4 possession, I never possessed you, I thought I did but in reality I didn't. Its not the fact that we broke up that hurts, I've been there done that, bought the t/shirt, Its not the fact that I loved you...I've loved before (albeit not as strongly), been loved before and can be loved and love again that I'm sure, its not at all about the timing (even though you could have timed it better coz it was the night of lil Princess's birthday and now that day will forever be tied with my heart breaking). It hurts because I meant so little to you that you encouraged me not to take the career offer yet you knew that wern't going anywhere.

When you were wondering what to do with your life I supported you, I was there for you, I felt your pain when you were going through a rough time, I prayed for you, was there for you. I know it meant little, wasn't much in your eyes but I did it with my heart because i believed in you, how could i not for you were the man i loved. You knew how much i wanted that career move, how i dreamt it, breathed it , prayed for it, wanted it to happen. You knew, yet you said 'babe don't take it, now things are on the up for me so we will be okay, I'll take care of us' I believed you, I was doubtful coz i have given my heart before and it got broken, but you begged me to trust you, I asked what if things go wrong..you said baby we will never go wrong I've got you. I was scared but i took the leap of faith, I had to, for once in my life i wanted to trust someone completely , whole heartedly mind body and soul...and what better way to do it.......I gave up the career move risking it all becoz i loved you....two weeks later you say you need space....WHY did you make me give up that career move that was going to change my life if you knew that we weren't going anywhere? Why did you not encourage me to take it if you knew your plans had changed, were now different from mine? WHY? you knew that offer was what i had hoped for prayed for yet you convinced me not to take it for you, yet you knew I wouldn't have you for long? I supported your dreams why couldn't you have supported mine especially knowing what you knew?

what did i do to you that wanted to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you did not wish the best for me? You could have said take the offer coz we might not work out, you could have said 'babe your career is more important right now' but you didn't you said 'trust me'. I gave you my all you at least owed me that.I have so many questions only you can answer,if you could treat me like that then surely you did not care, love knows no spite. I remember all the things that you said, 'I'm your world , I'm your life' I'm your this and I'm your that, were they all lies? Did you even like me? did I even if jus for a second make a fleeting stop on your heart? Did you ever once tell me the truth? When you said I was strong, I was wise, I was special, were you being kind or were you just fooling... Its not that I want you back or I need you back. For me to move on I have to know. You put me on a pedestal then when I was standing tall, snatched it from beneath me and i fell to the ground. You took away the belief that I had in the woman that I am, not because its over but becoz I feel I must have little worth, meant so little to you for you to hurt me the way that you did.

You might not have thought about it at the time.....never thought about the impact on my career or opportunities, it was never your problem....is not your problem, coz I should have known better to give up my life just for love..an elusive emotion that you can not even touch..... but if you had truly loved me, even simply liked me, how could it escape you?

I've heard you've moved on, got somebody else, had somebody else even when you were 'making plans for us' even as you were encouraging me to let the offer go...don't get me wrong you did not force me, I'm a grown woman, I did it coz I loved you, wanted to prove my love to you. I wanted to be your woman, your only woman, be all that you needed , all that you wanted, i thought I was, you said I was, so did you not owe me in the very least honesty to say...babe take the offer, my feelings have changed, I've got someone else????

I'm not questioning why you left,I too have left too many times so I know the drill by heart, besides I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for, she can offer you more but what i don't understand is why....why you encouraged me to change my plans, why you wanted to hurt me like that? why now you want to be 'friends' why you can pretend it never happened, why in the very least you cant say sorry? All i want is answers, not you back...just answers.

I want you to be happy....I want you to move on, i know you have moved on....I want you to have laughter,I want you to find love and happiness, I want you to have fulfillment, never cry, find contentment and always be at peace.....but above all that I wish the same for my self.......that's why I got to.....have to.....need to....write you this four paged letter...........

Break Up Etiquette......................

Its a tough one. Some break up and call each other names, sell stories to the tabloids, leak ex rated DVD 's on the Internet, smash each others cars, report each others misdemeanours, badmouth each other, spread rumors, revenge, go on Oprah, Jerry Springer or Trisha, for different relationships call for different kinds of break up Etiquette. I've never had to think about my BU Etiquette before, not that my previous relationships (note the plural) did not end acrimoniously, they did, but YT was my first 'celebrity coupling.' Okay he was not quite of the Brad Pitt fame, nor as infamous as Michael Jackson, he was not even as popular as my local MP, or the always inappropriately dressed Thornton's saleswoman...and then she wonders why in Newcastle there is a sudden influx of 24-60 year old males lining up for her vanilla scoops (yeah they definitely want to taste her vanilla alright!!), his was a different kind of fame. Me and YT shared the same interests, belonged to the same clubs, knew the same people, belonged to the same social networking sites. Where he blogged, I blogged, where he danced I danced, where he ate, I ate, in short our worlds were woven together, inter twinned just like one giant tapestry in the sky. Those who knew YT knew DM was his, those who knew DM knew YT was hers, it was a fact and not an opinion just like the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It was no surprise then, that the break up with YT was vastly littered with complications. What should the previously 'in a relationship' status feed on face book now read? should that joint blog that featured our escapades as a couple now come down? what do we tell each of our friends, more importantly what do we tell DM's friends that are also YT's friends? Do we bin all our photos as a couple? Do we trash that dvd we made in the throngs of passion?. What about my strictly no under 21's x rated photos i sent YT? The emails, the letters, the poems, the love notes? What about the online communities we once joined together? What goes and what stays? Who gives and who gets? Not that any of it was sorted out verbally, far from it. I woke up one morning Sleepless in Seattle and decided to 'clean out my closet' so out went the joint blog, the DVD, the nude photos, the poems, the letters, the love notes.......... for they never meant a thing to him..........I never meant a thing to him......twas jus whiling up time whilst he waited........ for something better.....perhaps somewhat skinner. The photos I kept, not that I'm in denial but jus for the memories, and as a personal remainder to thine self of a 101 reasons why love doesnt pay or better still maybe as potential future ammunition lol. Facebook was updated, I left a blank where 'in a relationship with YT' had been on the relationship status feed. 2mins later YT had also updated his face book profile...guess he had been waiting for me to do it first (his knows his manners that boy.....always ladies first)... but where mine had a blank, YT's stated single and interested in women. (he aint wasting no time...but then again why should he?).I decided to remove YT as my face book friend, I decided to take a rest from the ecommunities we had both frequented, it had just become to crowded for the both of us there...what with him getting his grove back on and me just trying to heal, I knew that something just had to give, and that something was me, not that I'm weak, I'm strong but not strong enough to watch a man I once loved, trying to warm some other chicks bed two seconds after jumping outta mine, so I gave him room to breathe which gave me room to heal. Its complicated this BU Etiquette business, do you say the real reason you broke up, especially if you the injured party? Do you give the whole low down on how they cheated, how they beat you up, how they lied? or do you have a celebrity exit full of 'no comments' or do you become the bigger person and just say 'no one was toblame it just fizzled out? Since facebook update and my disappearance from the ecomms, I have had numerous emails ranging from the concerned, to the spiteful, the nosy and the thoughtful, "what happened?" "who cheated?" "his a jerk" "I told you so." I've thought about being honest, telling the truth, laying the cards on the table........but I cant, all I do is send a polite "how are you, thanks for asking, DM and YT are both fine, doing okay, still in love,just got too much on our plates,right now, we need a break................now that's what I call good break up etiquette.

A bird in hand, sometimes aint worth two in the bush

I had a one to one with Soulful today, her name at birth was Soulful, but if the name should fit the crime then Sorrowful should have been her name. Me and Soulful come a long way, its a pity then that her life has so much road let to travel, so many mountains to climb and treacherous rivers to cross. Soulful's mountains and rivers are none either than her death partner Lincoln. The man who is supposed to be her life partner, is her death partner, instead of giving her life , he brings her closer to death, slowly seeping the life out of her like a tick sucks blood out of a dog, sucking out her strength, erasing the woman that i loved, the woman that I called a friend, leaving a shell, a robot that can not chose its right from its left. Were this the animal kingdom I would have said Soulful is nothing left but a carcass whose flesh has been devoured by the vulture that is Lincoln. They have split up and made up. And split up and made up. and made up then split up.Then spilt up again and made up. They've travelled the world jut making up. She's got closets full of clothes from when they made up. She has diamond rings and golden bangles from a time he said sorry, in fact she has designer gear and monolo shoes for each and every time he cheated, hit her, abused her and used her. Her clothes and her jewellery sing the story of her life like a diary would say yours and mine, but hers was no ordinary life if it was a life at all. "Better the devil you know" she says again and again and again. He punches her 'better the devil you know' he slaps her 'better the evil you know', he abuses her emotionally 'its still better the devil you know' he cheats on her 'better the devil you know' he lies to her 'better the...............' when does the angel you don't know become better than the devil you do know? What makes us stick in situations we are not happy in, jobs we hate getting up in the morning for, keep friends that we feel are more toxic than good, stay in relationships that we have long outgrown , that are going no where or that are more toxic than good? Are we afraid to move on?do we have such a low self esteem that we feel that this is the best we can do or the most we can ever hope for? are we desperate for fulfillment/a man or woman such that any man or any woman no matter how badly they treat us will do? Why put up with devils, when you can go looking for angels? For every Lucifer out there ain't there a Jesus? Not that I'm encouraging every sista or brother to up and leave their relationships, jobs or friendships, relationships are hard work, you got to put in the hard graft.............but when it becomes torture, when you cry more often than you laugh, when the only exercise your partner does is domestic boxing, if you have a dress for each time he beat you, if you sharing your woman or man with Billy,Jason, Conrad and Stephen, when all you seem to do is make up and break up and make up and breakup and breakup and makeup, then maybe its time for you to realise............that sometimes a bird in hand, ain't worth two in the bush............................

If you're Happy and You know it...........

if you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
And you really want to show it............
Well you all know how the rest of that rhyme goes, a bit silly really. Not that anyone will want to be seen not clapping least 'the others' discover how sad and lonely our lives actually are...so instead we all happily clap along as if our lives are one big merry go around and we don't want to get off.Which brings me swiftly to Yours Truly. Well Yours Truly (from hence forth YT) is the man who Definitely Maybe was going to gallop down the alter with. Yes gallop not walk, DM was not going to leave any room for cold feet so a nice gentle gallop towards the alter to get that blood rushing and those feet blazing hot. Well to cut a long story short YT galloped alright, straight into the arms of Miss Face book Friend. Yeah face book don't get me started on that one, its right up there in the boyfriend snatcher top ten with them high school reunion and myspace websites you all know what I'm talking about but that's a post for another day. Okay back to being happy. I met YT and Face book Friend at the neighbourhood barbecue the other day, well it wasn't exactly by prior appointment. If I had known I would have worn my Im sooooooooo over you jeans together with my cropped top that screams I'm single and available (and maybe a little slutty) . YT and Face book friend just had to say hie trying to act like there is no bad blood between us. They looking all happy and having that 'we are so in love and its forever' kinda look. I'm dying to run away from there but instead I smile widely like a moronic fool and say rather loudly I'm doing great, fabulous, I'm having sooo much fun being single loving each and every day, I Have time to do all those things I ever wanted to, I'm catching up with my friends, there is this bloke that I have started to see but I'm not soo sure as there is another quite so wealthy guy asking me out. I'm doing great just marvelous. YT acting all cool shrugs and says "well I'm happy for you but if you ever need a friend........" (as if). Tried my best to ignore them, tried to flirt (dismally) with all the guys at Barbee just to show YT that I'm sooooo over you. which I'm not. I've cried, I have wept, I have screamed till my voice is hoarse. I'm not eating, I have scrawled I miss YT in my diary in big felt pens, I've been spying on him and Face book Friend on face book, myspace, high school reunion. Yeah I got it that bad but when the speakers start blaring the good old 'if you happy and you know it nursery rhymes look out for the girl with the huge grin on her face clapping the hardest and singing the loudest coz Yes I'm Happy and I really want to show it!!!