Oh fragile heart of mine.......

Oh fragile heart of mine
Licking its wounds defiantly within me
stubbornly refusing to move on
nor allow me to chose who i love or who i do not.
A heart that refuses to accept change.
I command yet it does not follow
I plead and yet it gives me no mercy
how can I force it to move on
to give up that which it holds dear
or love that which it does not?

This fragile heart of mine
its scars and wounds reminders of love battles fought and lost
A heart so bruised and sore
and yet it still holds on to a love thats lost
unwilling to move on
refusing to open up to possibilities
to wipe the slate clean so I can start again.

Dear fragile heart of mine
dont place me under lock and key.
Unlock your doors to possibilities
Many are knocking seeking to enter
and yet,
stubbornly you draw up your shutters
waiting for that familiar knock
which we both know will never come
If only you would learn from your mistakes
let go of the past so we can reach out,
reach out into a future full of loves' countless possibilities

This fragile heart of mine
A heart that loves hard, breaks easily but never forgets
wipe the slate clean so I can start again
I know life has knocked you down
But you must take a chance and spread your wings
If you afraid to try
let me lead and you can follow
and eventually we might learn to fly
oh fragile heart of mine.

About a boy .......................

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
The sweetest man
and I want the whole world to know.....

His smile is contagious
His laugh is infectious
Im smiling again
And laughing once more
and all because I've met a boy

I love the way
he waves his dreadlocked head
and tosses his locks from side to side
his manly chest
so rippled and fit
gives me the goosebumps
I can no longer eat

I love the way he says my name
he rolls the R's and drops the Es
His soapy romantic
I swear its a dream
he loved holding my hand
as we strolled through the park.

I love the way he plays with my hair
and gives me piggy back rides
all the way from the park.

I've connected with nature
got rainbows and moonlights
sunshine in my soul
I've got butterfly flutters in ma tummy
and ants in my pants
Im convinced Im a star
see my eyes sparkle
jus coz his here.

I love the way my toes curl up
when he sings a song
strums an imiginary guitar
and does awkward impressions of Jojo the clown.
his funny
his silly
his just what I need
my first Aid box of sunshine
to heal me when blue

he makes me coacoa with extra sugar
puts silly notes through the door
sends me postcards and candy
with his favourite sweets taken out!!

he makes me laugh at the unfunniest jokes
and makes me blush the strangest of shades
his caramel lips
so tender and sweet
making me wish I could stand on tiptoe
and kiss them shut

he reads me stories at bedtime
with endings made up
of princes and fairies and kissing a frog.
he draws all my curtains
and fluffs up my pillows
he would tuck me in bed
If only I would ask.

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
My perfect man
........ and yet I havent told him so.

okay I wrote this three weeks ago, remember i told you i met a guy and promised to write about it ? well i tried to put into words what happened but i couldnt find the right words so instead I wrote a poem. I know you would probably want to know what happened next, but again can't really find the right words so wrote another poem just now.........

It should be so easy
to say yes when he says be my woman
Not to pull away when he tries to hold my hand
To let him hug me for a few seconds longer, past the point of being jus friends..
It should be so easy
To let him love me like i deserve to be loved
To let myself go, give in to the passion, the love, the warmth,
It should be so easy
To let go of the past,
To let him be strong enough for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually
To trust that he will always be here
it could be so easy
new year, new start,new man,new beginnings
all i need to do is say yes
and yet
and yet I keep saying NO.
It should be so easy
But damn, Im finding it so hard.

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.



(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)

Blame it on the Weatherman .............

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked. ........here's how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.

A bird in hand, sometimes aint worth two in the bush

I had a one to one with Soulful today, her name at birth was Soulful, but if the name should fit the crime then Sorrowful should have been her name. Me and Soulful come a long way, its a pity then that her life has so much road let to travel, so many mountains to climb and treacherous rivers to cross. Soulful's mountains and rivers are none either than her death partner Lincoln. The man who is supposed to be her life partner, is her death partner, instead of giving her life , he brings her closer to death, slowly seeping the life out of her like a tick sucks blood out of a dog, sucking out her strength, erasing the woman that i loved, the woman that I called a friend, leaving a shell, a robot that can not chose its right from its left. Were this the animal kingdom I would have said Soulful is nothing left but a carcass whose flesh has been devoured by the vulture that is Lincoln. They have split up and made up. And split up and made up. and made up then split up.Then spilt up again and made up. They've travelled the world jut making up. She's got closets full of clothes from when they made up. She has diamond rings and golden bangles from a time he said sorry, in fact she has designer gear and monolo shoes for each and every time he cheated, hit her, abused her and used her. Her clothes and her jewellery sing the story of her life like a diary would say yours and mine, but hers was no ordinary life if it was a life at all. "Better the devil you know" she says again and again and again. He punches her 'better the devil you know' he slaps her 'better the evil you know', he abuses her emotionally 'its still better the devil you know' he cheats on her 'better the devil you know' he lies to her 'better the...............' when does the angel you don't know become better than the devil you do know? What makes us stick in situations we are not happy in, jobs we hate getting up in the morning for, keep friends that we feel are more toxic than good, stay in relationships that we have long outgrown , that are going no where or that are more toxic than good? Are we afraid to move on?do we have such a low self esteem that we feel that this is the best we can do or the most we can ever hope for? are we desperate for fulfillment/a man or woman such that any man or any woman no matter how badly they treat us will do? Why put up with devils, when you can go looking for angels? For every Lucifer out there ain't there a Jesus? Not that I'm encouraging every sista or brother to up and leave their relationships, jobs or friendships, relationships are hard work, you got to put in the hard graft.............but when it becomes torture, when you cry more often than you laugh, when the only exercise your partner does is domestic boxing, if you have a dress for each time he beat you, if you sharing your woman or man with Billy,Jason, Conrad and Stephen, when all you seem to do is make up and break up and make up and breakup and breakup and makeup, then maybe its time for you to realise............that sometimes a bird in hand, ain't worth two in the bush............................

Guilty Pleasures..........

Some things are just not meant to be good for you, they might make you smile and become all warm and fuzzy inside but they are still not good for you. Guilty pleasures, our little slices of heaven with dollops of hell as dessert, irresistible you've just got to eat it, drink it,buy it, sell it , do it,have him, date her. Like moths to the light, caution thrown to the wind, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Living in the moment, we become careless, like modern day Goliath's fearless of the impending consequences. That 12 oz cake at tea time, foolish impulsiveness, suddenly your dress size 8 becomes a 16, that one night stand behind the pub, steamy and sizzling without a thought that today's unprotected sex is tomorrows gonorrhea syphilis or HIV. What makes us live in the moment, so oblivious to the danger and repercussions to follow? What is it about our sense of being, that can make us throw months of hard work, tough fitness regime, careful budget ting, safe sex practices for the simple benefit of 2, 3 7 or maybe 20 minutes of pleasure followed by disproportionate amount of pain via weight gain, job loss, bankruptcy and STD's. As human beings have we some secret fetish for pain and suffering that we plunge headlong into the roaring flames and hope we come out unscathed? My guilty pleasure that isn't supposed to be good for me called last night. Yes none other than Yours Truly (YT), you are all probably sick of hearing his name, but maybe just maybe in the process of blogging him to death, I just might, even if its just a teeny itsy bit of a chance blog him right out of my heart!!. My heart skipped a bit, tummy doing somersaults grand enough to pre qualify me for the Chinese Olympics had I the stamina to enter. Knees weak, voice all squeaky and mousy, suddenly I'm transformed from the confident woman who was at the acceptance stage of grief and ready to embrace my singleness into this quivering jungle of a mess ready to scream 'take me Back' Take me Back YT suddenly weeks of a careful and long drawn effort to get over YT count for nought. My guilty pleasure, speaking to YT is my guilty pleasure, reminds me why I first feel in love with him, still am in love with him despite YT having RTS (returned to sender) the tiny little shreds of glass wrapped in cellophane, yes that was all that what was left of my heart when YT did the dirty with Face book friend. 3hrs of pure undiluted dollops of guilty pleasure hearing his voice across the miles, across the phone......... I'm caught in the moment, mindless of the fact that he broke my heart, mindless of the fact that it still hurts, mindless of the fact that I need time to recover, get him out of my system, heedless of the fact that when I get off the phone I'll probably cry......... Its pleasure and its guilty and I'm loving every single 180mins of it...... He cracks a joke I laugh..... pays a compliment and I blush.....he pauses......drops his voice and whispers "You know what Definitely Maybe, I've never stopped loving you," It is at that precise moment I realise that warm fuzzy feelings or no warm fuzzy feelings, some things no matter how much they make you smile and throw caution to the wind are still guilty pleasures.................. not meant to be good for you

.....And Lead us not into temptation

Not that I would ever want to be in Eve's position, yes that Eve, the Eve from the garden of Eden, that Eve who allegedly cursed all women kind into experiencing a somewhat terrifying version of Friday the 13th but with a happy ending called Child birth, lucky then that when she committed that fateful faux pas, did the deed with the serpent she was at that point the only female on earth. I shudder to think what would have happened to her had a lynch mob of women been present on the fateful day when Eve learnt her fate for her trespasses. Without a doubt Eve wouldn't have survived that indiscretion.....hell hath no fury like women who feel they are being punished for the indiscretions of another.
Okay in case you are wondering I'm not going to go all Hallelujah brother Jesus on you. I got thinking about Eve coz sometime this afternoon definitely Maybe felt as if she was having that same conversation Eve had with the serpent in Eden. Only that DM's Eden was her desk during a lunch break and the serpent none other than 'The One who Got Away' henceforth known as TOWGA for short. Now don't be confusing Yours Truly (YT) with Towga. Towga was way before YT's time (yeah between you and I, I've been round the block a bit). Towga would have been my back up spouse just in case things did not go according to plan with YP ( well obviously save for the small glitch in the plan which was in the form of Towga's current live in girlfriend and the daughter they have together....but that's a story for another post). Towga was the love of my youth before the love of my entire life universe and soul YT came into the picture. Towga is the one that taught me all about love before I went to the State of the art Swiss finishing school called YT, You get the drift YT was the main actor and Towga the under study, Towga a pretty good meat free vegan substitute to YT's 12oz T Bone steak of a man. Not that I'm planning to eat any of the two but no doubt if I was to pick any man in the world who YT had to fear in terms of urpsing him from being Mr Definitely Maybe, then it wouldn't be Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Blair Underwood (well i tell I lie it would have been Blair Underwood had there been even the faintest whiff that I could bag him ) but for the purposes of this post it was Towga. Not that YT had anything to fear from Towga , after all in my eyes YT was the world's greatest, right up there with Muhammad Ali not that I've had Muhammad Ali that is (but if he is offering....). Okay so back to the garden of Eden...Towga phones me this afternoon (having caught wind of the fact that Definitely Maybe is single again via the evil medium of face book updates). After asking about my health ( not the sexual health that would have been too obvious wouldn't it?), he drops the bombshell, Live in Girlfriend plus daughter are away visiting the in laws in Zimbabwe and his decided to take a little vacation and catch up with Definitely Maybe visit for a few days, nothing dodgy everything above board. (yeah right I'm thinking I know the kind of catching up you wanting to do alright.......). I must admit I was tempted, nothing like a rebound relationship without the potential to go anywhere, to help me get over YT and propel me right into the I'm single and I'm going to make the most of it phase. But I don't roll like that, as much as it sounds tempting YT is very much a part of who I am and it would take someone twice maybe thrice as nice as YT and definitely more than 10times as nice as Towga (minus the complications of the live in girlfriend and the daughter) to get Miss Definitely Maybe to get past the I miss YT phase into the 'Can someone please taste my kitty Kat stage' so as my cellphone rings and I see once again its Towga on the prowl, I cant help but say a quick prayer, Lord please lead me not into temptation....................