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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How to Ruin a Good Vacation .............

.........Vacation with my mother!!! There I said it and I'm not taking it back. (unless my mama reads this statement,then this blog will have to come down with the speed of light. I might be an independent strong black blah blah blah woman but my mama is even stronger and even at twenty seven I still meet the criteria for being walloped to death lol). Okay so I'm back, scarred, bruised and heavily traumatised but back all the same. Who wouldn't be(scarred,bruised and heavily traumatised)after spending four weeks in the captivity of my mother? (disclaimer: this statement might have to be deleted at the speed of light lol)Seriously my mother has the energy, the intelligence and superhuman five senses that are sharp enough to sap the joy out of any good vacation. By 'joy' I mean men,nightlife and more men.

But having said that I had an amazing holiday. So much to tell and so very little time, but if one word sums up my SA holiday it would be SEX or lack of it but wait 'lack of it' is actually 3 words so SEX it is. Not that I'm confessing to having had any, how could I? My mother not only preaches abstinence but she damn well insures it is practiced with the ruthlessness of an African dictator. My mother is up there with the Hitchcock's or Mafia of the abstinence world. I swear she can detect the tiniest threat of sexual activity before you can even say the words bum skimming shorts or micro mini. Which is a shame, there is no point to having sexy legs if you cant put said sexy legs on display. My mother hypocritically states that thighs should be reserved for the eyes of a husband, but with the same mouth she tells my sister 'what kind of married woman wears such a thing' (thing in this instance standing for very tight micro shorts which ironically she was wearing for a night out with her husband at some random beach party. Clearly there is no pleasing some people ('some people' here completely refers to my mother lol).

Speaking of husbands, my mother hijacked my brand new sinfully expensive (according to my ever expanding overdraft lol) Christian Lacroix nightie (if you could call the flimsy material that). She claims I don't need any sexy nightwear, I don't have a husband. (*deep sigh* 'mum I do have sex you know', ) (Disclaimer: I did not say this out loud to my mothers face, I'm still young, I do not want to die, in fact I would rather let you cut me up into a million pieces or skin me to death than die at the hands of my mother). Apparently I'm not deserving of any sexy lingerie but she is, she did not have the decency to refund me my money, I did not have the suicidal nerve to ask for it. I refuse to imagine what she possibly got up to, or is getting up to in it. I do not want to be permanently emotionally scarred, but i am boycotting Christian L for life, I could never wear it again without having mental images I don't want to ever have, so future potential boyfriends please take notes.

Its a truth universally acknowledged that the sole purpose of going on a foreign holiday is to have sex with a foreign man (or depending on how adventurous you feeling, have sex with foreign men plural) . A safari or two might also be on the agenda, you might be suicidal enough to try bungee jumping or sky diving but ultimately nothing beats having sex with said foreign man. Okay i made that up, but whats the point of going on holiday if sex is not on your 'To do List' ? Speaking of sex, i dont normally kiss and tell but the most important lesson i learnt whilst in Mzansi (SA) was that if you intend on having 'sex on the beach' for maximum comfort buy a beach house, or more practicably have sex with a rich foreign man who already owns a beach house unless you want to spend the rest of your holiday removing sand from your down belows lol.

So I'm not sure if I managed to meet Buttercup(big sigh). I met a street hawker called Mercy (originally from Zimbabwe,but not a relation or acquaintance of Shona's lol) selling vhuka vhuka which she informed me is some kind of p*nis enlargement herbal sh*t, but she denied being responsible for those thoroughly annoying spam emails that fill up my junk folder stating 'Dear Miss DM would you like to enlarge your penis blah blah blah...' Coincidentally I also met a street hooker called Obianujuaku (yes I did ask her to write down the spelling). Apparently her name means 'born to plenty' or 'born to a rich family'. (obviously not that rich if she is plying her feminine wares in the dark alleys of Cape Town). Speaking of Obi I've just has a thought...buttercup I hope that wasn't you lol.

Speaking of hookers I also met a money guzzling, fame hungry,man eating gold digga who was heavily disguised as my brother's girlfriend (lol my mother's words not mine). She loves my mother with the passion of a girl who fears she might be left off the shelf and knows that the way to my brothers heart is through my mother and of course his wallet. My mother in turn treats her with so much contempt, I cant remember my mother disliking anyone so intensely or with so much passion....actually I do, my brother's previously girlfriend who foolishly informed my mother she was 'a non believer'. My mother was incredulous I think little miss non believer holds the Guinness world book record for being thrown out of a house at the speed of lightning.

I've been blubbering non stop, you see I missed you guys,its certainly good to be back to civilisation (by civilisation I mean any place away from my mother lol....you know I love you mama.)

49 comments:

Gee said...

first???

Gee said...

hahahaha yayyy i am!
ok ill go read this post naw...
long time been here!

Gee said...

hahaha vacation with the mother...i can sooo imagne, mine stayed here with me for 2 weeks and I was running mad..lol..I love her o but mehnnnnn!

K said...

I can not believe you are back! Yay Im glad that you had an amazing vacation even with your mother aka inquisitor/man blocker on board. ... if ur mother reads this blog and comments b4 speedily removal happens Mrs MDM its not my fault O

TaioFierce Ameen said...

Welcome back, ur mum is just like mine, d day she ll c dis.... lol, we luv dem d way dey are... nice blog, been waitin for u to update since forever...

Bombchell said...

lmao ure so twisted!

um foreign vacations are to party & perhaps have "fun" with the man u are dating or married to in the foreign land lol not a foreigner.

but at least it was fun, and you wont be repeating it.

mizchif said...

Been wondering when u'd get back from this ur long vacation!

Lord knows i have no intention on vacaying with my mum anytime in the near future, cuz i see her being worse than yours, really.

All in all i'm sure you had a gd time in SA.
Now berra come back and spill.

Good to have u back.

akaBagucci said...

This def is hilarious.... Hopefully no one slips your mother the URL inn spite... heheheeh

Temite said...

Welcome back, Miss DM, you were missed. Im so glad you came back. Pele about the lack of sex. next time sha.....
Also pele about the hijacking of your pretty underthings...
LMAO!

rayo said...

next tym, go witout ur mom. pele, nd 4 ur sake i hope ur momc neva finds ur blog. lol

~Sirius~ said...

Yaaaay!
And she's back.........after so long.
I see Mama is still at it.
So good to have you back!

doll said...

welcome back...i see you had a nice time with mumc..LOL

Buttercup said...

Hahahahaha! You really are back! Gosh, your mum..lol. I'd never wanna step on her toes mehn. Can't believe she took the lingerie :(. Lmao @ thinking I was Obi..let Chari catch you..hehehe! Glad you're back. :D

LusciousRon said...

Welcome back o! You and your mother mehn.

She took your CL? hmmn. I don't want any slaps for my comment o.

chayoma said...

I can see ur vacation was a blast (or far from it).
i definitely adore my mother more now...lol

Prettylyf said...

LOL interesting read. Yea definitely leave mum behind next time or heck bring her along for the heck of it LOL

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Gee, tell me about it but we do love them dont we *sigh*

K, both of us need to pray that she wont read my post nor your comment. Trust me my mum WILL hunt you down lol

Taio Fierce, yah its good to be back

Bombschell, you are wrong foriegn vacations are not for boyfriends...you take them to local vacations, foriegn vacations are solely for meeting hot sexy foriegn men lol

Mizchif, I came back several weeks ago but was licking my wounds in private lol

akaBagucci, I have a sneaky suspicion you would find this less hilarious if you woke up tomorrow and she had become your mother. lol

Temite, there will be no next time. My mother will need to enlist the help of the CSI and MI5 to find out where im going for my next vacation.

Rayo, me and her are over (vacation wise).

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Sirius,Girl its so good to be back, bruised but alive. My mum is still at it with a vengeance lol

Buttercup aka Obi, I still believe it was you, I will need photographic evidence to the contrary lol

Luscious Ron, my mum doesnt slap she wallops. I pray you never discover (practically) the difference between the two lol

Chayoma,well I did have fun in a sweet and sour kind of way. 'sour' completely refers to my mummy

Prettylyf, better yet maybe YOU should invite her on YOUR next vacation

Miss Healthy Diva said...

Lol...mothers-you can't live with them, and you can't live without em! I love my mother to bits, but when we go on vacations, we drive each other nuts as well!

princesa said...

Ha ha ha ha...
This post was just what i needed!

Truly hilarious!

your mum sounds like mine, You love them one minute, the next u aint so sure ;)

ShonaVixen said...

M so glad you're back & you saw how i stalked your page BIG time!!
LOL@ Mercy...vhuka vhuka

Tigeress said...

OMD Where have u been?!! I was beginning u've been taking those diet pills again. :) WELCOME BACK me dear- u have missed a lot o! lie.

Ur post was long but i thoroughly enjoyed it. yipee- u're back. :):)

Geebee said...

A big welcome to you, MDM. Been ages. Three months or so. Well, well, you obviously had the best of time in SA and the exposition on that country and its inhabitants really lighted up the sparks of desire in me to visit Africa’s America (that’s what someone I know calls S.A). lol @ your mum keeping an eagle eye on you . . . although at 27, I think that’s a little . . . . you know. Anyways, Mums remain the best. Welcome back again. Hope you’re back for good. Missed ya!

Writefreak said...

Wow...i'm in love with you mum! lol

Welcome back, sure you had fun!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Doll, its good to be back. 'Nice' does not adequately describe the time I had lol

Miss Healthy Diva, Im sure your mama at her worst is my mother at her best.

Princesa, welcome to my world.

Shona, any Mercys' lurking about in your family?????????lol

Tigeress, its good to be back, dont need diet pills anymore, spending time with my mama was enough to turn me into a skinny b*tch

GeeBee, its great to be back. Age is nothing but a number to my mother, im sure even when I turn 40 she wouldnt hesitate to raise her hand *sigh*

Writefreak, I suspect you love my mama only because she is not yours lol

Lolia said...

Awww glad you had fun w your mom! I'm sure I'd love her...
And yayy to you being back on Blogger :)

Original Mgbeke said...

LMAOOOOO. Your mother is HILAR. I laughed throughout this entire post. That aside, I hope you had fun in SA? LOL!

leggy said...

lol...she sounds like my mother.lol.

aloted said...

hmmmm welcome back o...i see u had fun with ur mama

uNWrItten* said...

lol ur mom sounds like mine...e go better

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL.

Hahaha.

I really don't wanna imagine ur mom in the lingerie. I especially don't wanna imagine why she's wearing the ligerie... or what she'll do while wearing it.

LOL.

Funms-the rebirth said...

girl, ur hilarious!!!! u had me cracking up at ur bad vacation. I practically ran from the house on my trip to Nig cuz mine was on my nerves 24/7....... so Lingerie ehn? thou shalt not imagine and be scarred!!!!!
at least u managed to have small fun and met very interesting people

Rene said...

Funny! Mine's has been driving me nuts all summer.

Omo calabar. said...

Hahaha. Ur mum is a tough one.

tobenna said...

Looks like you had mad fun.
Pity about the SEX part.
But I guess, this is make up time :P
Clearly all mothers are made from the same thing.
You will be like her to your kids too. Just a thought.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

"She claims I don't need any sexy nightwear, I don't have a husband. "

Oh my...your mother is a trip!!!!

Shubby Doo said...

you're back!!!

Shubby Doo said...

wait your mother stole...quick correction before she wallops my ass too...she took your CL nightie...dayumn!!


lol at the way she treats your bro's girlfriend...mama's little boy aitn marrying no gold digging hooker...lol@ the one gf that confessed to being a non believer...duh!!!

ibiluv said...

vacation with mama?

love me mam too but her company?only in small doses....lol

lulu said...

lol, i have had vacations with my aunt who is like my mom and i know the feeling, i doonno why she picks on me only alllll the time to go away with!@

Myne Whitman said...

Welcome, you enjoyed the vacation then. Good to have you back on the block.

Emilia said...

love your blog nice post and will be back....

sunnyside said...

Hola

just checking!

Such a memorable time u had with ur mom.
Welcome back

nice blog

Nollywood Forever said...

Wow! your mother actually threw the ex girlfriend out! LMAO. Thats why it is always good to know who you are dealing with and watch what you say.

BONFILIA said...

I'm a newbie on your site.. but i'm loving it.. Yours' is actually the first I've followed..
WOW... Taking a vacation with your mum, your brave :)

Don't get me wrong like any sane person i love my mom, but there's so much i can take. he he he...

Tisha said...

okay
nice post
but if i may say it
you are so obsessed with sex
i think its over-rated
(and you will think so too after you are married)

Invisible said...

lmao @ this post. Yep I'm back. Been gone way too long. I enjoyed it though. I really hope your mum doesn't see this. I'm not there o.

@ Tisha, sex is overrated?? You haven't been married yet or have you. I'm not going any further, lol.
I was just wondering.

Myne Whitman said...

When is the next update?

Term papers said...

Wonderful write up, easy to understand and straight to the point...