Why I should join Alcoholics R Us ............

I have done so many things these past two weeks that I ought not to, that its a miracle that the good Lord has not struck me with lightening in disgust (and no this is not a laughing out loud matter either) anyway this Cinderella lost her glass slipper but the not so careful Prince Charming in his haste to run after her, tripped, fell and broke the damn slipper (unfortunately the fairy godmother forgot to give our Cindy an instruction manual on what happens in such a situation and until she does.....)well thats a story for another day. As promised I have posted the results of my alcaholic anon quiz. But i was still quite drunk when i took it so my answers are probably seriously flawed.

Rules
This simple quiz may help you answer the question, “Am I an alcoholic?” Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer.

Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised with liver disease?
No. definitely not. You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or when the hangover hurts so bad you call in sick for work and it's made you so stupid you use "something escaped at the zoo so I had to help catch it" as an excuse again.

3.Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?
Definitely not!!!!!!!!!!! But I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch. (No)

4. At your neighbourhood bar: Do they know you by the name on your licence/fake ID, know your usual drink and who to call when you pass out?
I don't have a 'usual' drink, the usual changes according to the time of the month (in relation to pay day), how broke I am or who is paying so the answer is NO.

5. You generally hang out with drinkers you met at a pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores or have bartenders and waitresses as your friends?
Okay this is stupid who at 26 'still hangs out'? I socialise, I 'entertain' and I have a tete a tate's but i do not hang out, that's for teenagers. So NO

6.Given a choice you would rather never ever drink water mixed with worms than a drink containing more than 40% alcohol?
Actually I would rather drink the worm infested water provided the worms are germs and they are actually invisible to the naked eye, or better still I would rather drink the worm infested water mixed with 40% alcohol so NO I do not choose the alcohol over the worms I would rather have both.

9. You've learned to act sober even when you are gone with the wind
no when I'm gone with the wind (drunk) I act like I'm gone with the wind. trying to act sober requires too much effort which i could really put towards getting even wasted so the answer again is no.

7. You are comfortable sitting alone and drinking whether at home or the pub especially when you are really depressed ?
No. I never drink alone because I'm too stingy to buy my own round, and technically in a pub you can never drink alone, coz there will be other drinkers even though they are not sat at your table. So NO

8. You drink all week and take a day off to recuperate
No i never drink all week but i can drink in one day what one is supposed to drink in a week (i drink a week's alcohol allowance in a day then take the whole week to recuperate but that was not the question was it , so NO

10. Can you drive better drunk than you can sober ?
Well I have never entered a do you drive better drunk or sober contest to check my driving skills so I could not accurately answer this question. However I have never had an accident driving sober or drunk so using simple logic this would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are similar so NO.

11.Every morning you wake up with a curiosity of the night before and a headache
No not every morning, who wakes up with a headache every morning? surely you would have gone to see your GP ages ago or be registered disabled by now and besides I wake up not wanting to remember the previous night instead of being curious about it so the answer is NO.

12. You drink whenever you can but will occasionally decide that a sober night with your honey might be cool ?
This question is irrelevant because I do not have a 'honey' (yuck ). so i would have to answer NO

14. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons none of which include drinking. In actual fact drinking makes my home life actually seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (PS: what do you mean home life though?, if you live alone with your three cats does that still constitute a home life?)

15. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
NO for that to happen I would need to have a reputation in the first instance. I was born without a reputation or have completely tarnished it into non existence, So the answer is NO

16. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?
NO I really wish people would mind their own business ALL the time and not just in relation to my drinking. in fact I wouldnt mind them being all up in my drinking bizz if that meant they would stay out of my other work/home/lifestyle/and work related bizzness. So the answer is NO.

17. Do you sometimes “skip” breakfast or lunch so that you’ll have more money to spend on drinks?
NO I earn enough to be able to have breakfast and lunch and then go out for drinks too so the answer is NO

18. In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you’ve gotten overexcited?
They concede my points because my points make sense, and I'm convincing, besides until I have the stamina of Mike Tyson I would never be confident enough to try and attempt to 'deal with' people so the answer is NO.

19. You are always drunk and can no longer handle your drink?
NO I can definitely handle my drink. To illustrate this point more clearly last night I had --- bottles of Asti and my sober aunt told me this morning "you didn't seem drunk at ALL." So the answer is NO.

20. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
I always get drunk on purpose. so again NO.

21.Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
Please refer to question 17, but in case you need further clarification, No i was already in financial difficulties way before I started drinking. Also when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of getting into financial difficulties I am wise enough to put away my wallet and blag rounds of friends or stupid male losers who actually think i will end up going home with them that night. So the answer is NO.

22. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
LOL I wish I could answer yes to this one coz it would be funny if my friends who happen to be my drinking companions read this. But what do you mean lower companions? is this like people poorer than me? in less well to do jobs? or is it a politically correct term to refer to prostitutes? The answer is still no, I am definitely open and adventurous when it comes to sexing and willing to try anything (well almost) but I'm yet to visit a gigolo (maybe I'm jus stingy and have been managing to get sex for free so far so why start paying?) so again NO.

23.Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
No I would never put my friends and family through risks they are not willing to take. If I'm going to drive with my toes when drunk, or if its at 145miles an hour I will ask if they are willing to be in the car and will carry out a thorough risk assessment before hand (i.e ask if they are wearing their seat belts) so the answer is no. However I have nearly burnt the house down once but the family were away on vacation hence it doesn't count as their welfare was not present for me to be careless about. So NO.

24.Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If everyday at exactly 12:34pm you craved a drink that would be pretty weird wouldn't it? I have occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 12pm sometimes at 8pm sometimes at 3am and sometimes at 7:30am. I'm yet to crave a drink everyday at the same time so the answer is NO.

25.Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No actually drinking makes me sleep better. I go out on a Friday night and sleep the whole weekend through from Saturday to Monday morning just recuperating coz i will be feeling like shyt so NO i do not have difficulty sleeping after i drink.

26. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
I do not understand this question but will endeavour our to answer it as well as I can. I have never been energy efficient,I don't recycle and I always dry my clothes in the drier so no my energy efficiency has not decreased. If you mean efficiency at work you best asking my manager but in imho(in my honest opinion) I have never been efficient at my work, the only thing that stops me being fired is my lecherous boss. So the answer is NO

27. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Now this is just ridiculous how would i know I have had a complete memory loss if i had a complete memory loss? seriously ARE YOU DRUNK????? But just for the record I have had a partial memory loss like forgot where my house was but get the street right so NO i have never experienced complete memory loss.

28. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
No never, I have never had an illness called 'drinking' is that similar to the flu? So again NO.

29. You are definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?
Definitely not. If anything I'm more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities and will carry on as before, so NO.

30. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
What do you mean institution? Is this college or university or you mean like mental institution? Well I got news for you, if its the latter they would have to catch me first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been in a hospital but not because I was drinking. I have been in a hospital because someone who was drinking whacked a glass bottle over my friend and i was the unfortunate b**st*rd who had gone out with her and there was no one else in the vicinity so i couldn't leave her bleeding self lying on the damn concrete could I? So yes I have been in a hospital on account of drinking but just not my own. Yes

Scoreboards *
If you have 0- 1 it is relatively safe for u to be heading towards the drinks cabinet,
2-3 watch that drink buddy and joining the gym to get rid of that beer belly/gut/love handles/stretchmarks wont hurt!!
4-5 You are most likely to be an alcoholic, if this diagnosis is inaccurate you were probably one in your previous life.
6 -10 yes and above, please join your nearest AA meeting immediately.
10 and above, i would have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as inciting someone to commit suicide which is a federal offence and I'm unwilling to go to prison on your account. Enough said.

My Score
Hippee 1 yes and 29 NO's. so its confirmed, contrary to what my mum, pastor, doctor and everyone else who knows me thinks, I Miss DM am definitely NOT an alcoholic!!!!! this calls for a celebration anyone care to join me at the pub to celebrate??? the first 80 rounds are on me. LOL

* the questions are real but the scoreboard is not. I would have wished you all happy new year but you've probably been wished that so many times that its beginning to do your head in.....so please just have a drink on my behalf coz im planning to spend the rest of the year stone cold sober.

The Morning After, the Night Before .........

Damn,I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, it was like a terrible untalented loud ass rock band was practising in my head. The 21st birthday party was on Christmas eve, technically I went, but i didn't attend (confusing I know, but that's a story for another day). I stayed up all night waiting for Santa with my bottles of Asti (note the plural) and got sloshed, I mean stone drunk. Its a good thing my two 'audiences' were asleep.

I ended up doing what I always do when I'm drunk........ (which I'm not going to tell you coz you would probably kill me (for throwing my sanity outta the window in an 'i know I'm going to regret this in the morning but what the heck' kind of way)trust me I'm equally mortified, but do i regret it?....Not yet (coz I'm still not clear what actually happened). Which is why I think i need to stop drinking c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y coz clearly even having a drink once every six months is not working. So i decided to take an 'are you an alcaholic quiz lol' all i will say is "interesting results" will probably post my answers up when i get writers block.

Now that confession time is over, can I make an announcement to all those who buy;
a)knitwear,
b)cheap ass beauty stuff like bath salts, lotions, gels, which are more likely than not to give you rashes and pimples,
c)anything out of the pound shop or anything that looks as if is from the pound shop
d) food in isolation(this includes chocolates, sweets, fruit baskets)
e) outdated electrical stuff such as a play station 1, cameras that still take film, video players etc
f) anything else that ought to make this list but I didn't think about
when it comes to buying Christmas presents...newsflash... "its not only the thought that counts!!!"

My secret Santa at work bought me a cheap ass prezzie I think Santa went to pound-land, i am so disgruntled, I put so much effort in what i bought, I'm glad Santa was anonymous otherwise ....lets just say this would have been his last winter lol yeah am that pissed off about it!!!!!!!!. Personally (i don't know about any one else) I would rather have an expensive Balenciaga bag (Santa hint hint) which has been totally bought on the spur of the moment without any real 'thought' than two plastic plates that have been bought after careful consideration.... that's just me unfortunately I'm shallow like that.

My aunt wins a mini hoover at a Christmas party, so she phones me up and asks if i would like a hoover for my car, so me not being able to pass on freebies was like 'yes please', she says 'cool that is what is your Christmas prezzie,' at this point i do a double take, I will be damned if i accept a mini vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I wait the whole year for Santa only for him to come thru my chimney trudging a hoover? WTF!!!!! I said 'eeerrrr no thanks I will be honoured if thy shalt not give me thy hoover for Christmas,' so she's promised me something else, but she huffed and puffed (in a harmless way lol) that I, like Scrooge lacked a bit of Christmas spirit coz its the thought that counts. I mean don't give me all that bull about the thought counting (absolutely no thought what so ever went into this, she won it in a lucky dip remember), so what if that particular one was expensive, a hoover is always a hoover, damn even my mama still gets lingerie for Christmas lol.

Some people should just know when to shut the F up!!!!. Take my boss for instance, on Wednesday we happened to meet in the corridor just as I'm about to enter into the 'ladies/ lavatory/ the bathroom/ the toilet/ the powder room/ the washroom (delete as appropriate depending in which country you are in lol). Anyway he says 'do you have a minute?' (now what kind of question is that to ask someone standing at the door of a lavatory?) so I'm like 'not really, give me a minute' (coz i needed to 'go' I have one of the weakest bladders on planet earth) but he says 'oh this will only be a minute,' so i say 'sure'(and he rattles on and on about a case I'm currently working on) and this point im crossing my legs (coz its THATS bad) but he doesn't stop, I'm tryna interrupt but the fool keeps talking, so i put my hand on the door handle thinking he would get the hint but does he stop? No, the minute he said he was going to take becomes five, ten or 3 hours (according to my bladder anyway), so i open the main door into the ladies and kinda put one foot in (so that he could pointedly see that i now had to go) but he drones on and on, he just has no clue (the same goes for his managerial skills) and this point I'm just about to pee in my pants, so i say look i will speak to you later okay, and he has the nerve to say I'm nearly done jus gimme a second, i just make a dash for the nearest cubicle and even as i closed the door i heard him yell something else which sounded like 'Do you want me to leave the file on your desk so you can check the scro paperwork before we shut down for Christmas?' I'm like, wtf does this fool expect to carry on with this conversation whilst I'm peeing too????

On a totally random but randy note, am watching this movie where they are making Johnny upstairs seem like an amateur ....I s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y need air, its not easy trying to be celibate, 'if true love waits' then true love needs to get its behind here asap lol. Most of the times I'm kinda into 'not getting any' but on nights like this......sweet Jesus....its just temptation, temptation, temptation. So Santa if you are reading this please hurry up with those giant ear muffs AND true love...in fact if you are going to deliver the true love in time for this Christmas season you might as well forget those giant ear muffs cause i plan to give Johnny and his girl upstairs a ride for their money coz they sure ain't the only ones with vocal chords lol.

Im not the mushy type but to all my blogville family, happy holidays and a big thank you for keeping me sane even when my world felt like a sanitorium. Love you all.......thats enough mushiness, lemme get back to my movie.........