'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

His Type ..................

A player
His always been a player
Not the ‘I have a girl on the side type’ or the ‘I kissed a girl in the pub’ type
But his the ‘I’m seeing four chicks and I don’t care if they all know’ player
His the type that will buy you diamond rings or fancy cars
Then claim what you had was just a fling, what did you think it was type
He’s the type of player that would take you places, both in and out of bed ;-)
Fancy restaurants, midweek breaks to France, the type that wouldn’t think twice about an expensive cruise to the Bahamas,
Yet never take you across the road to meet his mama, his sisters or just spend time with his closest friends
His the type that will kit out your closet, in Gucci and Prada, and Balenciaga bags yet keep you firmly hidden in his closet in case one of his chicks got to know…
His the spontaneous, type the romantic type,
The no strings attached type, the type that will take you to the moon and back, plus make you laugh as you orbit through space.
His the sensual type
His the handsome type, the dishy type, the eligible bachelor, the one who would wow the crowd if he turned up at the party coz his the type that would guarantee you Halle Berry lookalike babies.
But he is also the type, that wouldn’t think twice to add another sista to his harem, or drop you like you’re hot if you ever lose your appeal, gain a few pounds or ask for commitment.
His the sensual type, the ten orgasms a night type fella,
But Im not convinced he is the type that would cry with you if your mama died or spend the night at your hospital bed.
His the type that would know all the right things to say, yet never ask after your well being or take walks in the rain in case his Gucci loafers got ruined.
For years his pursued me, for years I’ve said no
He backed off a little when YT was there, but now that he knows DM is single and there is the potential to mingle,
His brought back the battle full throttle,
With flowers and candy and a charge account at Prada
His phoned and his texted, his planned to woe me and dine me
Is it his ego that couldn’t take no for an answer
Or he means what he says; when he says I’m the one?
I must admit my flesh is tempted, it’s been February gone since my flame was last ignited
But he is also the type that you would take to the GUM clinic before you could even contemplate hitting the sack.
Yesterday his texted me, gave me a final ultimatum,
He needs to know where I stand, for ‘although he loves me’ (so he says) he cant keep hanging indefinitely…..he needs to know needs answers today…
(I bet the chase is getting too long and expensive, his wallet starting to slim down a bit, after all Prada, Balenciaga and Gucci aren’t free)
He says his ready to embrace commitment, He says he has changed, he says …..
Actually he says a lot of Bull if you ask me.
His that type
A player
The type that would perfectly take care of my short term needs,
Whilst with the force of a nuclear bomb destroy all my long term goals and leave a crater where once my heart had rested.
I’m just not ready, what with YT saga and all,
To risk my heart, to take off sprinting right in the arms of danger code red
So I texted him back an hour ago, the usual answer as always a big bold No.
I said good luck in finding the one
For whilst I could do with the attention,
The Gucci and the Prada
The 10 orgasms and the trips to the Bahamas
The wining and dining…….
His a player
His always been a player
And sadly his type
The player type
Has never been and never will be
Miss DM’s TYPE!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I went to bed with a stranger.........

this post is for Buttercup, Bombschell and Funms, just so you know curiosity did kill the cat.

.....As I heard the gate swing shut a sign that the postman had since left the yard, a look of sheer horror darkened my face as the magnitude of what I had just done dawned on me. What had I done? A quick glance at my bedroom companion sent shivers coursing through My veins. My blood ran cold, I didn't know him, he was a stranger, a man I barely knew yet he was sleeping besides me. I thought about calling the police but what could they do? What would I say? Was I raped?No,Forced ? NO, I grimaced as the events of the previous night flashed vividly through my mind. The moans and the screams as I begged him to take me, cries of passionate pleasure that had emanated from these my lustful lips. My heart filled with shame and remorse, guilt whelmed up inside me and threatened to overwhelm me. What had i done, had I been drunk ? No. Yes I had two glasses on wine but surely that was not enough to render m unconscious or uninhibited.I longed for an excuse any excuse, to absolve me o the guilt, the shame that was suffocating my soul and dragging it deeper and deeper into the evil grasp of Hades. Tears coursed down my cheeks as the waves of shame returned, threatening to engulf me. Had my mama taught me nothing? How had I, a girl born and raised by the holy book allowed Lucifer to camp on my doorstep?

Memories of why we met, how we met, where we met flashed through my mind. His mother who passed, his father who had remarried, his sister who was having trouble conceiving or his aunt who was bewitching the whole compound. I wanted to believe that I had known him for a long time, that I knew him, that his whole life was imprinted on the back of my hand like a Fingerprint or that his heart was tattooed on my own, but my conscience refused to let me find solace in this blatant lie. So little time, so much to say, so much he had said and yet he had revealed nothing. Was there even a sister, a brother an aunt or a father? How could one have faith in the words of a man they barely knew?

Filled with apprehension I traced his name on my pillow, frightened that in my haste to share the fruit of his loins I had not quite caught/ remembered his last name. Was it desperation? Yet as I caught my reflection in the wardrobe mirror it refused to confirm what my soul was begging it to give......justification, justification for my weakness, perhaps if blame could be given to my face, then my actions could be understood as those of a woman with limited prospects. He had asked for water to quench his thirst and in my haste, I gave him deeds to the entire well, he had asked for food to fill his stomach, but in my haste I bequeathed him a field to plough, he had asked me for a blanket to shelter from the cold and in my lust I offered him the comforts of my bed. Where had I gone wrong? At which turn had my morality turned into the immoral? I twisted the ring, my engagement ring, why had I just noticed it this very second? I had not even possessed the decency to take it off. I twisted it, but it would not budge, the lump i my throat would not budge.

I glanced at the stranger, the man I had spent the previous night with, How could he sleep so soundly , so comfortable, so at home, as if we knew each other and he belonged no where else but my bed, and yet.......and yet he was a total stranger a man I barely knew. Perhaps if we had spent more time talking getting to know each other..........I felt violated , used , abused but what for? Was it not I with my very own voice filled with passion and lust who had cried out his name in pleasure, and in the same breathe cursed my mother, for with holding, and not revealing the knowledge about the secret pleasures my womanhood could bring much early than she did, for I had not known pleasure so intense or joy of such magnitude......My hand went to my stomach and horror filled my eyes, What if? What if this stranger, this man I was not even sure I wasn't related to had planted his forbidden fruits in my belly? The consequences were too painful to contemplate ........was I being punished for sins I had committed in a previous life, or in this life?

I glanced at the photo., the letter, the evidence, what more proof did i need? The photo so clear, portrait style. The woman standing next to the slated door of the hut with the roof that was just about to cave in. Proudly she held the hand of a boy, her son , their son. Thier resemblance was striking , it was as if a mini stranger stared me straight in the face. So oblivious to her humble surroundings her other hand rested fleetingly on her swollen belly, a belly full of promise, full of life another product of their love on the way. And the letter, oh the letter, painstakingly written in broken English, revealing hr excitement over their forth coming baby, she wondered why he had been silent for far too long, She asked if it was okay to find someone to repair the roof as the rainy season was coming, she wanted to let him know that the money he had last sent was slowly running out and their boy needed new shoes for the school. She related how she was praying, daily fasting so that they're visas for them to come join him could be processed more smoothly, she bound all the demons and spirits that would get in their way.......My eyes whelmed up with tears, I couldn't read on.

I looked at the man lying so peaceful in my bed, should I ask? how do I ask? Did I even have the right to ask? After all what does a stranger owe you, not even the courtesy of a last name. I sobbed quietly yet besides me the stranger slept. Oh the irony of his loud contented snores whilst I beside him died a slow but painful silent death. Hastily I got up from the bed and cramped my belongings into a bag. I just need to get out of there go anywhere. I wanted to leave whilst he slept, for how does one say good bye to a man, yo spent the night with but barely even know? Do you wave goodbye or do you kiss? Do you leave a forwarding address or do you promise to write and keep in touch?

As I reached the door, I took one last look at the man lying in the bed, I tried hard to find a resemblance but i could not, yet I knew i was not mistaken. This was the very same man I had given the last two years of my life. The man I was engaged to marry in less than three months to come. The man who had promised me the world, the one who I called my fiancee and who called me his bride. .............I had gone to bed with the man I loved, the man I was ready to marry, my husband to be but with the arrival of the postman, I realised I woke up this morning next to a stranger, a man leading a double life, a phony, a man I had spent the last 2years of my life yet I barely knew him. Tears coursed down my cheeks as I contemplated what I would say to the 140 guests we had already invited....would I tell them the truth? What was the truth?........That all this while, all these years........I was sharing my bed with a stranger, a man I barely knew.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

He's walked in my shoes.................

I have just locked the door its confirmed, his sleeping in his car outside my house. I don't know who is more bewildered, me for pulling it off or him for actually realising that I pulled it off!!!!! He probably thought i was joking, hell even I didn't quite believe I would see it through, but I did, and he is sleeping in his two seater Mercedes Benz, frozen solid, I was not gracious enough to loan him a blanket, neither was he humble enough to beg for one, bet he isn't 'flexing' in it now (his merc) like he ususally does, picking up women at every second bus stop. Bet his thumping through his little black book, wondering who is available to give him a roof over his head just for one night, but at 300miles from his nearest bedpost notch.....its more than confirmed his sleeping in his car tonight....less than 3yards from my 3bed house with two empty bedrooms. I have not been completely unkind, 3 sharp raps on my door, will ensure that at least he has access to the bathroom facilities, well that is if I hear him, well actually if i choose to hear him.

He knew, I told him again and again 'there's no room at this inn'guess he thought I was kidding. I was nice enough to him this whole afternoon, let him watch the olympics, eat my fruits and drink my tea, the sign outside read clearly 'you can eat and you can drink, we can laugh and you can play BUT when night time comes please note there is no room at this inn' yet he chose to ignore it and now his sleeping in his car tonight.

Tonight he sleeps in a cold lonely place, only the clothes on his back his companion, nearly 4yrs to this date I too slept with a cold lonely heart my companion. Today he wonders how could she? 4yrs to this date I too wondered how could he? He wonders whether I'm joking, I wondered whether I was dreaming. He locked me out of his heart, I just locked him out of my house. How the tables have turned, well not quite....coz whilst I walked, head held high and never looked back, his still outside, hopeless, clueless and in despair and wondering where the hell it went if it ever were right. I've never been one to kick a man whilst his down, but I've never been known to help lift up a man who was down either. What made me walk neary 4yrs ago, is keeping him from walking 4yrs down the line...don't know if it has sank in just yet, that he is actually sleeping in his car tonight.

Him whose name we do not speak, ti's he whose sleeping in his car tonight. How he came to be here, why I locked him out rather than in.....well that's a post for another day, but blogsville please note that tonight....... even if its just for a night, He Whose Name We Do Not Speak has walked or rather...... tonight He Whose Name We Do Not Speak will indeed sleep....rather than walk, in my shoes, the very same shoes which I once wore, nearly 4yrs to this date...............

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Yes....Boys II Men definitely didnt sing a song about all mamas'

Seriously I have too much time on my hands to be posting this often, hopefully it will wear off coz i jus seem to be blabbering about rubbish....anyway better blogging than stressing rite? ......anyway when I started this blog my intention was not to write about YT, but it kind of took ova, now that that saga is closed, I can revert to my original intention ........'being my mothers child.'

(Ma is sitting in the living room doing her knitting....Definitely Maybe enters the room....)

Dm: Ma are you busy? I need to talk to you
Ma: You are already talking….. Is it important?
Dm: Well not really, I just need to ask something, Gina is throwing a party next weekend, can we go?
Ma: who is we?
Dm: me and small sister
Ma: so you are now small sister's spokesperson abi? Has she lost her voice?
Dm: no ma.......okay can I go to Gina's party?
Ma: Who is Gina? what party
Dm: You know Gina, Gina my friend, the one I told you was in hospital, and I didn’t manage to find time to go and see her.
Ma: Then if you didn’t find time to go and see her in hospital she is not your friend.
Dm: But Ma you know I was busy
Ma: But you are not too busy to go to her party heh?
Dm: (Silence)
Ma: Anyway I don’t know her,
Dm: But ma you spoke to her the other day when she came to the house
Ma: Yes but that doesn’t mean I know her, I spoke to that man who came here selling palm oil, does it mean now I can go to his parties and boogie?
Dm: NO ma......Okay do you want to speak to her mother
Ma: why? will speaking to her mother make me know this Gina?
Dm: No ma but it might help.......
(Dm then rings Gina's mum, puts her on loud speaker so Ma can also listen to her confirm abt the party)
G's Mum: Hello is that Dm's ma?
Ma: may I help?
G's Mum: I called just to confirm DM is invited to the party?
Ma: What party?
G's Mum: My daughter Gina is having a party
Ma: What is the purpose of the party, what are you celebrating?
G's Mum: Nothing in particular, its to reward her for behaving over the holidays..I just thought it would be nice, give her something to look forward to,just a small thing really, for her and her friends.
Ma: Are children not supposed to be behaving? why reward someone for doing something that they are supposed to be doing anyway? Unless you are saying this Gina of yours does not normally behave.........? anyway what is going to be done at the party?
G's Mum: Well there is no program its casual really, whatever they want to do
Ma: So are you saying anything goes?
G's Mum: Well not anything goes, they have to behave......
Ma: Will there be alcohol?
G's Mum: Yes only for the grown ups over 21...
Ma: Does Dm have to bring an ID?
G's Mum: Oh no!!!
Ma: Then how will you know whether they will be over 21 or not?
G's Mum: Well I know most of GIna's friends so.......
Ma: How old is my daughter?
G's Mum:Hello come again?.......I didnt understand the question..
Ma: My daughter DM, when is her birthday?
G's Mum: Oh I don’t knowthe exact date, but I know she is the same age as my daughter.
Ma: How will you know that, if you don’t know her birthday?
G's Mum:Well they were in the same class at school so I assumed……..
Ma: What if she was early starting school, or repeated a couple of years?
G's Mum: Well ah I hadn’t thought about that actually.....
Ma: In that case what other things about this party of yours did you not think about………?
G's mum: (Silence) ........
Ma: Hello? Hello?
G's mum: yes im still here......
Ma: leave this issue with me I will chew it over.....okay bye (ma puts the phone down)
Dm: (about to die from embarassment) Ma don’t worry, its okay, I don’t have to go, actually I don’t want to go anymore
Ma: Nxa don’t mess with my mind DM, I will shambock that confusion out of your head. if you didn’t want to go in the first instance, why did you waste my time speaking to that woman, next time if you don’t want to go somewhere don’t ask to go.
Dm: but Ma.... I thought you said I couldnt go anyway?
Ma: did I say you cant go heh? so are you thinking for me now.....?
Dm: No ma, i thought....ah... anyway..its okay...never mind..... So Ma are you going to let me go?
Ma: No I am not, because you said it is not really important that you go
Dm: Ma when did I say that?
Ma: At the beginning , when I asked if it was important?, you said it was not, so why should I let you waste your time doing unimportant things when you have more important things to do like study?
Dm: No I didn’t mean it like that......
Ma: If you didnt mean it like that, So why did you say it like that then?
Dm: I meant it was not urgent
Ma: So why did you not say, "Ma its not urgent but it is important?"
Dm: never mind ma(at this point I give up and start walking away, you can never win any battles with Ma the Lioness)
Ma: DM come back here right now!!! are you walking away from me?, ME?? your mother,what is this? have I said I have finished talking? nonsense!! what insolence is this? I warn you DM you are getting too big for your boots....there can not be two mothers in this house ohhh, Your father will have to hear about this your nonsense behaviour......

yes.............. boys II Men definitely needs to sing about my mama.

Monday, August 11, 2008

No more Drama

Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.

When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?

Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.

I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'

"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'

ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I'm sending you a four paged letter..........

To Whom It May Concern (YT)

Reference: Answers

I wasn't going to write, there was no point, for if you didn't realise it then, you wont realise it now, even if I wrote it in blood on a ten foot banner and hang it on top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part, and i am not weak I refuse to be weak, but Nixx said I should, (write to you that is), she says I owe it to myself, she says only when I have poured out my heart (actually not my heart but my pain) that's when I can release my demons and totally completely wholly move on. Nixx says I have physically moved on because I got up and walked and am still walking, but she says I left my soul behind at that precise moment I spoke to you and you said you needed space........She says I have to go back and pick up my heart even if its in shreds I still need to retrace my steps and pick it up, for it is mine, I'm restless without it....Nixx says I'm losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me is still trapped in that day that phone call.....She says you can not heal without being cured, and you can not be cured until you get the right treatment, and you can not get the right treatment until you know the source of the pain....she says I need to go back to the source......I need to face my demons so that I can tell them to flee.....for me to do that i need I'm writing you a four paged letter.........

I could be the bigger person and say 'I hope this letter finds you in good health' but I don't have the strength to pretend i feel that which I do not, so I'm going to tell it like i feel it. I don't wish you harm neither do I wish you well, if that makes me less of a woman, then I'm happy being a child.My heart feels what my lips can not convey, so much I want to say to you, but i know not the words, I can only feel. I wish we could just for a second swap souls, then maybe you would feel what I wish no man to feel but that which torments my mind and I find no rest. I ask myself questions that only you can answer. I feel like a horse that is groomed for the races by its owner, day by day he trains it, he makes it work twice as hard coz he wants t to be the best, but when it is ready, and fit enough to take the trophy, he cuts off its legs so that it can not compete.

I loved you, don't ask me if i still do, even I don't know if that question has answers, but right now at this hour, this second I feel more pain than love, more hurt than disappointment.I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, how can you own what you never had? Even the law says ownership is 3/4 possession, I never possessed you, I thought I did but in reality I didn't. Its not the fact that we broke up that hurts, I've been there done that, bought the t/shirt, Its not the fact that I loved you...I've loved before (albeit not as strongly), been loved before and can be loved and love again that I'm sure, its not at all about the timing (even though you could have timed it better coz it was the night of lil Princess's birthday and now that day will forever be tied with my heart breaking). It hurts because I meant so little to you that you encouraged me not to take the career offer yet you knew that wern't going anywhere.

When you were wondering what to do with your life I supported you, I was there for you, I felt your pain when you were going through a rough time, I prayed for you, was there for you. I know it meant little, wasn't much in your eyes but I did it with my heart because i believed in you, how could i not for you were the man i loved. You knew how much i wanted that career move, how i dreamt it, breathed it , prayed for it, wanted it to happen. You knew, yet you said 'babe don't take it, now things are on the up for me so we will be okay, I'll take care of us' I believed you, I was doubtful coz i have given my heart before and it got broken, but you begged me to trust you, I asked what if things go said baby we will never go wrong I've got you. I was scared but i took the leap of faith, I had to, for once in my life i wanted to trust someone completely , whole heartedly mind body and soul...and what better way to do it.......I gave up the career move risking it all becoz i loved you....two weeks later you say you need space....WHY did you make me give up that career move that was going to change my life if you knew that we weren't going anywhere? Why did you not encourage me to take it if you knew your plans had changed, were now different from mine? WHY? you knew that offer was what i had hoped for prayed for yet you convinced me not to take it for you, yet you knew I wouldn't have you for long? I supported your dreams why couldn't you have supported mine especially knowing what you knew?

what did i do to you that wanted to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you did not wish the best for me? You could have said take the offer coz we might not work out, you could have said 'babe your career is more important right now' but you didn't you said 'trust me'. I gave you my all you at least owed me that.I have so many questions only you can answer,if you could treat me like that then surely you did not care, love knows no spite. I remember all the things that you said, 'I'm your world , I'm your life' I'm your this and I'm your that, were they all lies? Did you even like me? did I even if jus for a second make a fleeting stop on your heart? Did you ever once tell me the truth? When you said I was strong, I was wise, I was special, were you being kind or were you just fooling... Its not that I want you back or I need you back. For me to move on I have to know. You put me on a pedestal then when I was standing tall, snatched it from beneath me and i fell to the ground. You took away the belief that I had in the woman that I am, not because its over but becoz I feel I must have little worth, meant so little to you for you to hurt me the way that you did.

You might not have thought about it at the time.....never thought about the impact on my career or opportunities, it was never your not your problem, coz I should have known better to give up my life just for elusive emotion that you can not even touch..... but if you had truly loved me, even simply liked me, how could it escape you?

I've heard you've moved on, got somebody else, had somebody else even when you were 'making plans for us' even as you were encouraging me to let the offer go...don't get me wrong you did not force me, I'm a grown woman, I did it coz I loved you, wanted to prove my love to you. I wanted to be your woman, your only woman, be all that you needed , all that you wanted, i thought I was, you said I was, so did you not owe me in the very least honesty to say...babe take the offer, my feelings have changed, I've got someone else????

I'm not questioning why you left,I too have left too many times so I know the drill by heart, besides I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for, she can offer you more but what i don't understand is why....why you encouraged me to change my plans, why you wanted to hurt me like that? why now you want to be 'friends' why you can pretend it never happened, why in the very least you cant say sorry? All i want is answers, not you back...just answers.

I want you to be happy....I want you to move on, i know you have moved on....I want you to have laughter,I want you to find love and happiness, I want you to have fulfillment, never cry, find contentment and always be at peace.....but above all that I wish the same for my self.......that's why I got to.....have to.....need to....write you this four paged letter...........

Friday, August 08, 2008

Today was supposed to be a good day........

Today was supposed to have been a lovely day, not that i had anything special planned.... I just knew. I was in high spirits yesterday, convinced I had got my groove back, I wanted to celebrate, so I did what I usually do when I'm happy. I donned on my shortest barely there skirt, made sure the door was locked, put Kiss on to full blast and proceeded to do my housework, with a pause here and there to wiggle my bum a little or drop it like its hot. I danced, laughed, danced, had a water break, danced again,lowered the volume coz the neighbours were complaining and then did some more dancing. I felt good and I wanted to express it. Yes I could tell that tomorrow (which is now today) was going to be a good day.

I woke up this morning an hour behind schedule which would make me an hour and a half late for work. (If I wake up on time I am normally just 30 mins late....which is okay because the people at work know that what I lack in punctuality I make up for with business ac-um, so they overlook my tardiness, as long as I remain the most competent employee they have. I am now 1:30 mins late for work and worse off I am starting the day with a team meeting which I'm supposed to chair...........first sign that today might not turn out as good as I hoped

.......halfway in the day at work, phone rings its a client requesting an emergency appointment. I cant ignoreit, the client is one of our highest fee payers. I trek 160 miles just to hear her rant about her husband and how she wants me to help her file for divorce. (I'm thinking you selfish B.tch, at least you have a husband to divorce)She spends the next two hours ranting and raving...I realise I will not make my lunch date with my sister which I was looking forward to. The woman goes on and on, I nod in the right places whilst pretending not to look at my watch. a further hour later she states she has changed her mind and will give him another chance.....I trek back 160 miles to the office, having achieved is not really going to be a good day

my late appointment is in town over coffee. I arrive 10 mins late due to road works. He starts shouting at me, loudly in the restaurant. His wife wont let him see the children and that's because of my incompetence he claims, yet I'm newly assigned to this case, the one who is incompetent is on maternity leave, I feel like walking out but I stay..a customer is always right so he must be he keeps shouting, I keep trying to eat my salad, he swears,I have a sip of water, he screams,i pretend to be interested in the painting over his head, he accuses me of ignoring him and then threatens to walk out, he doesn't know that in my mind I have walked out of this meeting over an hour this point I'm convinced today is not a good day

The one whose name will not be spoken calls, (yes his name will not be spoken.... is never spoken. He whose name will never be spoken committed crimes against humanity towards DM, just the mention of his name rips a fresh scar across my heart...thus he remains the one whose name we do not speak.) .....Hello he says......eeerrr hello says I........I need to speak to you he says (as if he was not already speaking)....I say I am busy....he ignores me....he says he has been thinking about my sexy self and wondering if I had a boyfriend.....I reply yes I have a boyfriend but deep down I'm thinking "Lord why oh why you let Lucifer land on my doorstep?".....he says he wants to see me and in the same breathe he says 'his wife and two sons are travelling from Nigeria next week' aloud I say hmmmmmm silently 'I whisper Lord deliver me from this evil' and hang up the does not look good at all....clouds are beginning to form on my horizon.

tonight I decide to unwind, nothing is going to bring me down......I go on msn....I have one instant message......YT....he says hie ....I pause debate whether to reply, the fool can see I'm online so I send back a terse ...hie. He writes something back.....I ignore it.....he writes something again....I send back a simple yes....he writes three sentences I respond with a simple maybe.....he writes a whole paragraph and has the audacity to LOL at the end. Dude just doesnt get it does he? he broke my heart at a time i didn't need it broken, he hurt me and I'm trying to get on with my life. He pretends as if we ended on good terms...I know we didn't.....he pretends we are now friends ....we were never friends only lovers...he says he still loves me....I know all he wants is another chance to be able to taste my Kitty Kat if I will permit him.....he thinks we can be friends...I want him out of my life...but he just doesn't get it....He asks me something I send a terse reply again...the fool wont get the message so I said bye and block him as a contact.....At this point I succumb to is definitely a bad day

tears start falling down my cheeks....I feel overwhelmed.......I break soul is troubled.......I weep ...........not for the client who wasted my time, for i know she loves her husband its his infidelities she hates ......not for he who shouted at me for incompetence, all he wanted was to see his children.........not for he whose name will never be spoken, that jerk is not worth the salt of my tears.......and certainly not for YT, I picked myself up and I've kept on walking. I cried.......... not for those who denied me the chance to have a good day....I wept because all I had wanted and prayed for was for today to just be a good day........

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Break Up Etiquette......................

Its a tough one. Some break up and call each other names, sell stories to the tabloids, leak ex rated DVD 's on the Internet, smash each others cars, report each others misdemeanours, badmouth each other, spread rumors, revenge, go on Oprah, Jerry Springer or Trisha, for different relationships call for different kinds of break up Etiquette. I've never had to think about my BU Etiquette before, not that my previous relationships (note the plural) did not end acrimoniously, they did, but YT was my first 'celebrity coupling.' Okay he was not quite of the Brad Pitt fame, nor as infamous as Michael Jackson, he was not even as popular as my local MP, or the always inappropriately dressed Thornton's saleswoman...and then she wonders why in Newcastle there is a sudden influx of 24-60 year old males lining up for her vanilla scoops (yeah they definitely want to taste her vanilla alright!!), his was a different kind of fame. Me and YT shared the same interests, belonged to the same clubs, knew the same people, belonged to the same social networking sites. Where he blogged, I blogged, where he danced I danced, where he ate, I ate, in short our worlds were woven together, inter twinned just like one giant tapestry in the sky. Those who knew YT knew DM was his, those who knew DM knew YT was hers, it was a fact and not an opinion just like the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It was no surprise then, that the break up with YT was vastly littered with complications. What should the previously 'in a relationship' status feed on face book now read? should that joint blog that featured our escapades as a couple now come down? what do we tell each of our friends, more importantly what do we tell DM's friends that are also YT's friends? Do we bin all our photos as a couple? Do we trash that dvd we made in the throngs of passion?. What about my strictly no under 21's x rated photos i sent YT? The emails, the letters, the poems, the love notes? What about the online communities we once joined together? What goes and what stays? Who gives and who gets? Not that any of it was sorted out verbally, far from it. I woke up one morning Sleepless in Seattle and decided to 'clean out my closet' so out went the joint blog, the DVD, the nude photos, the poems, the letters, the love notes.......... for they never meant a thing to him..........I never meant a thing to him......twas jus whiling up time whilst he waited........ for something better.....perhaps somewhat skinner. The photos I kept, not that I'm in denial but jus for the memories, and as a personal remainder to thine self of a 101 reasons why love doesnt pay or better still maybe as potential future ammunition lol. Facebook was updated, I left a blank where 'in a relationship with YT' had been on the relationship status feed. 2mins later YT had also updated his face book profile...guess he had been waiting for me to do it first (his knows his manners that boy.....always ladies first)... but where mine had a blank, YT's stated single and interested in women. (he aint wasting no time...but then again why should he?).I decided to remove YT as my face book friend, I decided to take a rest from the ecommunities we had both frequented, it had just become to crowded for the both of us there...what with him getting his grove back on and me just trying to heal, I knew that something just had to give, and that something was me, not that I'm weak, I'm strong but not strong enough to watch a man I once loved, trying to warm some other chicks bed two seconds after jumping outta mine, so I gave him room to breathe which gave me room to heal. Its complicated this BU Etiquette business, do you say the real reason you broke up, especially if you the injured party? Do you give the whole low down on how they cheated, how they beat you up, how they lied? or do you have a celebrity exit full of 'no comments' or do you become the bigger person and just say 'no one was toblame it just fizzled out? Since facebook update and my disappearance from the ecomms, I have had numerous emails ranging from the concerned, to the spiteful, the nosy and the thoughtful, "what happened?" "who cheated?" "his a jerk" "I told you so." I've thought about being honest, telling the truth, laying the cards on the table........but I cant, all I do is send a polite "how are you, thanks for asking, DM and YT are both fine, doing okay, still in love,just got too much on our plates,right now, we need a that's what I call good break up etiquette.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

A bird in hand, sometimes aint worth two in the bush

I had a one to one with Soulful today, her name at birth was Soulful, but if the name should fit the crime then Sorrowful should have been her name. Me and Soulful come a long way, its a pity then that her life has so much road let to travel, so many mountains to climb and treacherous rivers to cross. Soulful's mountains and rivers are none either than her death partner Lincoln. The man who is supposed to be her life partner, is her death partner, instead of giving her life , he brings her closer to death, slowly seeping the life out of her like a tick sucks blood out of a dog, sucking out her strength, erasing the woman that i loved, the woman that I called a friend, leaving a shell, a robot that can not chose its right from its left. Were this the animal kingdom I would have said Soulful is nothing left but a carcass whose flesh has been devoured by the vulture that is Lincoln. They have split up and made up. And split up and made up. and made up then split up.Then spilt up again and made up. They've travelled the world jut making up. She's got closets full of clothes from when they made up. She has diamond rings and golden bangles from a time he said sorry, in fact she has designer gear and monolo shoes for each and every time he cheated, hit her, abused her and used her. Her clothes and her jewellery sing the story of her life like a diary would say yours and mine, but hers was no ordinary life if it was a life at all. "Better the devil you know" she says again and again and again. He punches her 'better the devil you know' he slaps her 'better the evil you know', he abuses her emotionally 'its still better the devil you know' he cheats on her 'better the devil you know' he lies to her 'better the...............' when does the angel you don't know become better than the devil you do know? What makes us stick in situations we are not happy in, jobs we hate getting up in the morning for, keep friends that we feel are more toxic than good, stay in relationships that we have long outgrown , that are going no where or that are more toxic than good? Are we afraid to move on?do we have such a low self esteem that we feel that this is the best we can do or the most we can ever hope for? are we desperate for fulfillment/a man or woman such that any man or any woman no matter how badly they treat us will do? Why put up with devils, when you can go looking for angels? For every Lucifer out there ain't there a Jesus? Not that I'm encouraging every sista or brother to up and leave their relationships, jobs or friendships, relationships are hard work, you got to put in the hard graft.............but when it becomes torture, when you cry more often than you laugh, when the only exercise your partner does is domestic boxing, if you have a dress for each time he beat you, if you sharing your woman or man with Billy,Jason, Conrad and Stephen, when all you seem to do is make up and break up and make up and breakup and breakup and makeup, then maybe its time for you to realise............that sometimes a bird in hand, ain't worth two in the bush............................

Monday, August 04, 2008

From Penrith to Sheffield: the journey of an empty paper cup

It was a life changing experience, not that it had set out to be, of course it hadn't. This was a different sort of 'life changing moment' not quite as momentous as passing your A levels, getting married or being fired from your first job, but it did change my life, that paper cup changed my way of thinking in a way that paper cups don't routinely change your life. It was a very ordinary sort of paper cup from a very ordinary sort of coffee shop, contain a certainly not quite upmarket brand of decaffeinated coffee. If anything the decaff coffee had no business being bought, it was too expensive, tasted cheap, plus as British weather goes it was quite a hot and humid day more fitting for cola than coffee. My first encounter with the paper cup was at Penrith Station, not that there were any further encounters after this, but it just sounds better saying it that way. I was on my way to Sheffield with my line Manager, bored, tired and had run out of small talk, After all there is very little to be said to your boss in the way of chit chat least you get carried away and start blubbering on about the 4 day sick leave you took last month when you were quite not so sick but more drunk. Anyway with the chit chat over and done with in the first 3 minutes of us being together, and out of sheer desperation I did what I do best in a crisis,, create a deficit in my bank account, which means in lay mans language shop. Not that you would call buying an expensive substandard coffee at a train station shopping, but that's how the coffee cup started its journey en route to Sheffield. I drank the substandard coffee in two or three gulps not coz it was nice but that it gave me a reasonable excuse why not to engage in small chit chat with you know who. anyway so come Lancaster and all I have left is a empty dirty paper cup and no bin to chuck it in. No bins in the train , no bins at Lancaster train station, no bins when we changed at Manchester Piccadilly and no bins when we change at Stockport. I was desperate to get rid of coffee cup it was just unnecessary excess baggage that I didn't not need. Unnecessary excess baggage that i could do without. It was making it almost impossible to carry all my bags and on occasion when we reached a bumpy stretch it would roll all over the carriage way and i would have to run around looking for it. it started to annoy me this coffee cup, I just couldn't get rid of it. I had no more use of it but still I kept it. I could have chucked it on the floor but i wondered what people would do, what they would say. It was making me miserable but still I hang on to it as if it was a life support machine and my life depended on it. Finally we reach Sheffield after a miserable 4 hour journey on the train. I race to customer services to complain, why I had to be saddled with an unfortunate travel companion when the rail company could just have provided bins . "But madam "the customer service chap said 'you should just have left it at the train platform in Penrith we have cleaners who would just have got rid of it, you didn't need to lug it around totally unnecessary." this got me thinking 'how many coffee cup' do we lug around in our live and simply refuse to put down simply because we don't want to not because we cant? I thought of all the coffee cups i was lugging around past hurts, past mistakes, things i should have done that I didn't and things that i did that i shouldn't. I released that some of the stuff i was lugging around was useless, making me miserable and just excess baggage i didn't need, just like that empty coffee cup. The experience with the paper coffee cup didn't quite change my life but it changed my thinking. It changed the ways I viewed things even about my emotional coffee cups from my encounter with YT, cause i didn't need to carry them round no more. Just as lugging round that coffee cup had been my choice, coz i was afraid of what people would say, i thought i shouldn't i couldn't, that was the same way i was dealing with all my emotional baggage from YT I thought i couldn't chuck it away, i thought i couldn't i just wouldn' i know i can and I have. The journey from Sheffield was much lighter, not only had I chucked the coffee paper cup but all my emotional baggage as well. I feel much happier now, am in a much better place within myself, finally I can honestly say I'm free...........all thanks to an empty paper cup's journey from Penrith to Sheffield.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Customers please note: no refunds, returns,or exchanges allowed in this shop.......

En route from church I went shopping this afternoon, not that Jesus hadn't tried his best to uplift my soul and make my spirit sing Hallelujah again. He had, but as feel good factors go, I was just being greedy, there's nothing quite like retail therapy to get that adrenaline pumping again. My adrenaline pumped alright, I hit all my favourite shops, Selfridges, Top Shop, Zara, House of Frasier, that adrenaline rush sure came at a price, £137.54 pence to be exact. In light of this credit crunch bizzness causing havoc with peoples pockets, I should have probably made do with Jesus, at least his hallelujah feel good soul shaking is free with even biscuits and coffee thrown in at the end. Okay there I was standing in line at New Look, paying for something or another. Not that I know how I found myself there, I don't like New Look, to me its a payday version of Primark. Don't ask me what that means, don't have enough money least New Look decides to sues. Anyway there I was waiting to get served in New Look when the lady behind the counter who is not doing a very good job of being fast and efficient ( not that £5.34 an hour provides much in the way of motivation for being quick and efficient) exclaims in a loud 'look I don't get paid enough to be dealing with this' kind of tone, "I'm sorry it says on the receipt no refunds, or exchanges allowed on sale items." This definitely gets my attention and well that of the other 16 odd plus customers waiting to pay for their 'not quite like Top Shop but more up market then Primark,' New Look merchandise. The customer a hefty size 20 is trying to return a dress which suspiciously looks like a size 12 ( yes some people are THAT delusional) tries desperately to uuuh, ahhh, beg and plead but the shopping assistant on £5.34 an hour is having non of it, I'm sorry she says 'Its company policy, no refunds or exchanges allowed on sale items." (what happened to the customer always being right). The size 20 lady who is almost a size 12 (in her mind that is ) slinks away in a huff probably off to weight watchers determined to get that non refundable size 12 dress fitting before Christmas....... now all this palaver about no refunds or exchanges gets me thinking, would I take him back? Seriously if YT was to appear right there in New Look, down on bended knees, heart in hands, tears in his eyes, his pride torn to shreds (yeah I'm not being melodramatic here, but me thinks that if someone has to beg they better do it right!), and asks me to take him back, would I? (not that his asking but what if ?). Just like New Look, Definitely Maybe has always had a 'no returns policy' stamped on her heart. Its either you stay in or you sty out. You leave, you lock the door behind you and throw away the key. I do not watch reruns on TV and I conduct my relationships (if you can call them that the same way. No matter how much i enjoyed the film or loved the bloke, or still love the bloke, I don't do refunds period. I am one of those stick to my guns type. The type that would cut off my nose to spite my face type. The foolish type. The either its black or white type. The type that allows no room for failure no margin for error. I'm the type that expects perfection even though I cant give it, the one step out of line and you are gone type. My mother has a favourite saying when it comes to relationships 'only a dog will eat its own vomit (self explanatory huh?) so you see I am my mother's child. But maybe just maybe should I allow a little room in my life for error? Does everyone not make mistakes? I have had a few good men in my life (so I've been told by others) but I let them go simply because they could not confirm to the Definitely Maybe Military school of expectation , harsh discipline and demands of 100% perfection. Is it time for DM just like New Look to compromise on that no refunds policy least I drive all 'my customers' (potential for happiness) away. What is it that I am afraid of? What is it that lies in the murky waters of my past that has made my heart rigid when it comes to second chances? Should people be given second chances? Is it a second chance to make things better, or a second chance to break your heart all over again? To those who are into second, third or even forth chances, are the risks worth it? was it better the second time round? The bible says forgive 70 times 70 times, but can you not forgive without being foolish? Is it not once bitten twice shy? Is giving someone a second chance to make things right, foolishness, or is it simply being human? so if YT was to appear right there in New Look, heart in hands, tears in his eyes, his pride torn to shreds, would I?............. Suddenly its my turn to be served, I smile reach up to the counter and whisper to the customer service assistant, on £5.34 pence an hour, "maybe, just maybe, there ought to be refunds, or exchanges allowed in this shop...............