Who Ate All the weight loss Pills Pies .........

Siren blazing, lights flashing, travelling at an almost suicidal speed, the car swerved from lane to lane, onto on coming traffic, past red traffic lights, zig zagging into the bus lanes and down one way streets, you would be forgiven for mistaking this as a scene from the latest Bond/Bourne movie, but it wasn't, if it had been a movie scene it would have been aptly titled 'Ms DM's almost fatal attempt to be a size zero'.... and it was...almost fatal...when I was admitted into the emergency department temperature at 38, my circus qualifying abnormally big head almost twice its normal abnormal size, breathing through non invasive ventilation, my life, actually to be exact my last 397 sex free days flashed through my mind and I had only one regret on my death bed, 'I should have fc*ked Johnny from upstairs brains out when I had the chance.'

At that very moment even though I felt I was dying, I would have given up the last three, four or seven hours I had left to live to have Johnny my tea bag borrowing upstairs neighbour appear in that A&E assessment ward and give me a mind blowing orgasmic send off into the 'other side'/ pearly gates. seriously as I lay nearly dying from dodgy weight loss pills bought off eBay all i could think about was 'God just one last chance to have sex' (in case you are wondering in my 26years I have already spent an average of 45 Sabbaths a year praying for my salvation so it would be have been only fair to spend the remaining few hours of my life focusing solely on sexual gratification lol).

After being humiliated and cheated out of a chance to bag 'the most eligible, noodle serving, pot bellied, Bugatti driving, sugar daddy on the block' by the Skinny-Bitch I vowed to join the size zero skinny bitches brigade, come doughnuts, lattes, cheese laden pastas, rich chocolate desserts, hail or sunshine. First research pit stop was the gastric bypass, (feel free to judge me all the heck you want lol) I am one for efficiency (working in billable hours does that sort of thing to you) I figured one better way to propel myself to Bugatti sugar daddy snatching size zero than getting my intestines nipped and tucked in Harley street? Besides, the fact that it was only two days after payday meant that the bank manager would happily give me the green light. But i found out the hard way that forget the disabled, gender inequalities, ethnic minority racial discrimination,bias against lesbians/bisexuals etc the world totally discriminates against those of us unfortunate enough not to be too thin and not too curvy either. Apparently no self respecting intestine nipping and tucking surgeon will touch anyone with a body fat mass index of less than 22, their excuse being its dangerous à la Kanye West mum's style hence totally unethical.

Undeterred I turned to the diet pills market, this was the point that the grim rippers clock must have started tick toking in my direction Final Destination style lol. In my defence the gym membership was not helping much, after religiously going to the gym four times a week and huffing and puffing nearly spitting my liver out on the treadmill, i was horrified to learn that i had gained 3lbs. the personal trainer had the nerve to try and spin a web of lies about muscle mass being heavier than fat blah dee blah n*gga purlizzzzzzzz that motivational sh*t don't wash on me, I mean its not as if I'm already spotting a six pack (yeah LLCoolJ always has me at Hello). Now my gym ought to be sued, whats with the sabotaging, situating the fitness suite right next to the drive through McDonald's and LaTasca(Italian restaurant), as I'm huffing and puffing on the treadmill the smell of freshly cooked pasta carbonara and big macs wafts through the room, plus you get discount vouchers for both restaurants as part of your gym membership WTF?????? You burn 400 calories on the treadmill and then afterwards pass through LaTasca and devour 1200 calories disguised as Pasta Carbonara (add 450 more calories if you have chocolate fudge cake as dessert), its a no brain-er so personal training so and so should cut the crap about muscle mass being heavier than fat, unless the other name for muscle mass is pasta carbonara lol.

So you know who your true enemies are when you ask a 'friend' to recommend certain diet pills that can fast forward you to skinnybitchness and she directs you to an Internet site. She swore the sh*t came highly recommended, was 100% legit and even endorsed by celebrities (yeah should have asked which ones, OJ Simpson???). Son or rather more aptly daughter of a b*tch nearly sent me to an early grave, without giving me the opportunity to get my brains sh*gged senseless by tea bag borrowing Johnny from down the stairs. I parted with nearly £183 for the sh*t (hey in my defense I'm sure that when i had successfully bagged Bugatti Veyron sugar daddy he would have spent x1000 that amount on 'keeping me happy' lol). The sh*t (sorry there is no politer word to describe the death pills that nearly killed me) even came with a guarantee that if you didn't loose 7lbs in the first week you would get your money back (conveniently the corresponding address was a P. Box number, now don't quote me on this but i need to recheck Vera's P.O Box number, girl could be the one who tried to grim reaper my ass lol). To cut a long story short, I took the first three tablets and in less than two hours my head had swelled up to twice its normal size, my heart was beating off the Richter scale of heartbeats, my whole body had a sinister looking purplish rash and i was badly swollen as if i had been rihanned by a team of 12 Chris Browns, I couldn't breathe my airways were closing up, in short that sh*t was killing me, thus i found myself on the way to the emergency department in an ambulance, wishing to God I had shagged tea bag borrowing Johnny from upstairs when I had the chance.

8 days later I'm now back home, recovering ( as if you could ever recover from such an ordeal) thanks Tigeress for checking up on me whilst I was in hospital, as for the rest of you Judas Iscariot's who never checked up on me, I hope you choke on a batch of the diet sh*t that nearly killed me. Seriously never ever buy pills off the Internet, I learnt my lesson the death bed way.........but thanks to eight days of horrible hospital 'food' (slimy mashed potatoes and mince meat which had a suspicious sardine like odour) I'm now firmly on my way to earning my Skinny Bitch club platinum pass lol so forget sh*gging Johnny from upstairs coz Bugatti Driving, noodle serving, pot belled Sugar Daddy here I come!!!!!!.

Free Noodles, Skinny B*tches & Money Induced Orgasms

I nearly had a multiple orgasm whilst standing in line to get free noodles and rice crackers at the newly opened Shimla Pink (Chinese restaurant) just down my street. No i wasn't having sex with some random stranger in the queue jus to pass the time, it was because I Miss Definitely Maybe saw my very first Bugatti Veyron in the flesh, I mean on the road kind of in the flesh and not in some swanky showroom, car show or front pages of Motoring Today. I swear my knees buckled, my stomach did funny little flips and i felt waves of pleasure, that was my first money induced orgasm there and then.

I have never been aggressive when it comes to man hunting, but i nearly whipped off my panties, pushed up my boobs and swore under my breath 'n*gga if you so much as look my way I'm soooooooo gonna do you tonight'......and I was gonna...do him..... like my life depended on it. I haven't been laid in a loooong time and what better way to bring my sexy back than at the back seat of an £800 000 motor f*cking a man who is probably worth 100 times the cost of the said motor. I mean I ain't no gold digga (if my dating record is anything to go by) in fact I love my broke brothers but hey 1998 Honda Accord versus 2007 Bugatti Veyron that's definitely a no brain-er, never mind that said owner of both Bugatti and restaurant was a 40 something, probably midlife crisis undergoing, pot belled dude(he looked like he was hiding more noodles under his sweater than they were giving free at the counter)......I was still going to do him.

So there i was standing in queue, revising my game plan, no longer salivating at the prospect of free noodles and prawn crackers but the chance to tattoo my bottom on those heated leather seats, having hot steamy sex against some classical music background (rich people listen to such nonsense right???), when some skinny bitch appears out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong I have nothing but respect for them skinny bitches, I mean anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect. I used to think my game was tight, I mean I'm a healthy UK size 10/12 (emphasis on healthy) who has tried all fad diets under the sun to become a slightly skeletal more defined cheekbones and slightly protruding ribcage size 8 and failed miserably so you can understand what i mean when I say i have nothing but respect for those size zero skinny bitches.

Anyway so said skinny bitch walks right up to the door spends 3 or 6 minutes chit chatting with pot belled dude, about the restaurant/free noodles (as if she has ever in her 30 or so years passed a calorie of carbohydrates between those size zero lips of hers), then said skinny bitch brazenly asks to see the motor and before you could say 'hot steamy sex with size zero skinny bitch' pot belled dude was giving his stack of promotional leaflets and instructions to lock up to a probably Honda 1997 driving minion and leading said skinny bitch to the front passenger heated leather seats, and zooming off into the sunset with classical music probably playing in the background. Okay it was 2pm on a cold and frosty afternoon so that sunset was probably a figment of my imagination but damn those skinny bitches sure got game, and she didn't have to whip off her panties, suck in her stomach or push up her boobs, that's why I have nothing but respect for those size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches.