Oh fragile heart of mine
Licking its wounds defiantly within me
stubbornly refusing to move on
nor allow me to chose who i love or who i do not.
A heart that refuses to accept change.
I command yet it does not follow
I plead and yet it gives me no mercy
how can I force it to move on
to give up that which it holds dear
or love that which it does not?
This fragile heart of mine
its scars and wounds reminders of love battles fought and lost
A heart so bruised and sore
and yet it still holds on to a love thats lost
unwilling to move on
refusing to open up to possibilities
to wipe the slate clean so I can start again.
Dear fragile heart of mine
dont place me under lock and key.
Unlock your doors to possibilities
Many are knocking seeking to enter
and yet,
stubbornly you draw up your shutters
waiting for that familiar knock
which we both know will never come
If only you would learn from your mistakes
let go of the past so we can reach out,
reach out into a future full of loves' countless possibilities
This fragile heart of mine
A heart that loves hard, breaks easily but never forgets
wipe the slate clean so I can start again
I know life has knocked you down
But you must take a chance and spread your wings
If you afraid to try
let me lead and you can follow
and eventually we might learn to fly
oh fragile heart of mine.
Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private space..my blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.
When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had done....read him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?
Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.
I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'
"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'
ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol
if you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
And you really want to show it............
Well you all know how the rest of that rhyme goes, a bit silly really. Not that anyone will want to be seen not clapping least 'the others' discover how sad and lonely our lives actually are...so instead we all happily clap along as if our lives are one big merry go around and we don't want to get off.Which brings me swiftly to Yours Truly. Well Yours Truly (from hence forth YT) is the man who Definitely Maybe was going to gallop down the alter with. Yes gallop not walk, DM was not going to leave any room for cold feet so a nice gentle gallop towards the alter to get that blood rushing and those feet blazing hot. Well to cut a long story short YT galloped alright, straight into the arms of Miss Face book Friend. Yeah face book don't get me started on that one, its right up there in the boyfriend snatcher top ten with them high school reunion and myspace websites you all know what I'm talking about but that's a post for another day. Okay back to being happy. I met YT and Face book Friend at the neighbourhood barbecue the other day, well it wasn't exactly by prior appointment. If I had known I would have worn my Im sooooooooo over you jeans together with my cropped top that screams I'm single and available (and maybe a little slutty) . YT and Face book friend just had to say hie trying to act like there is no bad blood between us. They looking all happy and having that 'we are so in love and its forever' kinda look. I'm dying to run away from there but instead I smile widely like a moronic fool and say rather loudly I'm doing great, fabulous, I'm having sooo much fun being single loving each and every day, I Have time to do all those things I ever wanted to, I'm catching up with my friends, there is this bloke that I have started to see but I'm not soo sure as there is another quite so wealthy guy asking me out. I'm doing great just marvelous. YT acting all cool shrugs and says "well I'm happy for you but if you ever need a friend........" (as if). Tried my best to ignore them, tried to flirt (dismally) with all the guys at Barbee just to show YT that I'm sooooo over you. which I'm not. I've cried, I have wept, I have screamed till my voice is hoarse. I'm not eating, I have scrawled I miss YT in my diary in big felt pens, I've been spying on him and Face book Friend on face book, myspace, high school reunion. Yeah I got it that bad but when the speakers start blaring the good old 'if you happy and you know it nursery rhymes look out for the girl with the huge grin on her face clapping the hardest and singing the loudest coz Yes I'm Happy and I really want to show it!!!
Oh fragile heart of mine 
