Down on Bended knees

"whatever I said, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, I want you back for good"
I don't remember who sang this song, but I cant help humming it as i type this post. I'm no relationship expert, certainly i have failed in that domain four times over and had it been a college course or a job I would have been permanently barred from the field due to incompetence. So you can understand why I would normally shy away from giving relationship advice. (I would normally point you in the direction of Shona or Afrobabe and leave them to the job). Okay back to my non expert advice...............listen carefully coz this will be my first and last bit of unsolicited advice......

now if you are going to break up with someone and there is even a tiny bit of chance however remote that in the distant or not too distant future you might be begging that person to take you back, then PLEASE don't use phrases like 'ugly,' 'fcuking bitch', 'i never loved you', 'I was fcuking someone else all along', 'you were sh*t in bed', 'good riddance', or 'it was jus a fling,' in your break up vocabulary coz those kind of phrases do not enhance your prospects in any way when you go back to her/him down on bended knees grovelling for a second chance (with that girl or boy who according to you was a fat ugly fcuking bitch who you never loved as it was just a fling so that's why you were fcukiing someone else all along and its good riddance ). I would advice everyone to mind their break up language cause sooner or later you will definitely come back grovelling when you discover that the grass is indeed not greener on the other side......it rarely is.(90% of the time anyway according to my own biased inaccurate and totally unreliable research lol)

anyway there is nothing as humiliating or as dehumanising as grovelling before someone who you called all sorts of names and swore that you would never ever want anything to do with even if they were the last woman on earth and the survival of mankind depended on it. Certainly talking from expirence its rather off putting to say the least. Case in point 'he whose name we do not speak' I found myself literally imprisoned at my own front door. dude was down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, grabbing at my feet, blocking the door so that I could not move, begging me to take him back. (seriously even the worst soap could not have written this into a script). I was trying to shut my door in his face, the poor guy was hanging on for dear life, had it been a movie it would have been comical to say the least starring Chris Rock , Adam Sandler or Jim Carey but trust me when its happening at your own front door there is nothing comical about it, all you wanna do is call the cops asap.

I would have, had it not been so pathetic, gone was the over confident cocky dude cruising round in his two seater merc, Life post our breakup had not been kind to him and it showed in a number of ways (I wont waste your time going over them lol) Funny how tables turn, this was the very same guy who when I eventually took the hint and broke up with him swore he would never be back, that he didn't love me anyway blah blah blah and how I should hit the road running coz he didn't give a damn.....the irony of it all......guess u wouldn't blame me then for secretly humming eminem's 'guess whose back' under my breath. I felt vindicated in a way coz whilst I had realised that I could live without him and I could do so much better, he in turn had discovered that he couldn't live without me and i was his 'everything'. To cut a long story short, I shut my door in his face, that's one guy who is never coming within a mile of my heart again, i was done with him a long time ago.Someone else asked me to take him back but that's a story for another post(I'm on a roll this month guess its something in the northern chilly air lol).

To take him back or not to take him back, that's a dilemma that faces each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. My theory is there are four different types of men who beg you to take them back.

there is the genuine type, the dude who truly realised that he made a mistake by letting you go and genuinely wants another chance to make things right, to make it work. he will fight hard to have you back and when he succeeds makes damn sure he keeps you for good.

there is the 'got nothing better to do I'm bored type', he doesn't really want you back, but he has discovered that there is nothing interesting out there, or all the single ladies are not rushing out to date him like he thought they would, so after a few weeks or months of being dateless the novelty of being single starts to wear thin and he gets disillusioned and thinks I might as well just go back to good old faithful miss DM.

the 'spiteful type' this is probably the most popular type of guy. he doesn't want you back, but he doesn't want you to be happy either. So every time you start getting back on your feet, or have one or two guys genuinely interested in you and you are starting to contemplate going out with one of them, he reappears on the scene saying how much he wants you back blah blah blah and how he made a mistake, you take him back only for him to hurt you again, and when you eventually get back on your feet he reappears again, and the same thing keeps happening again and again.

then there is Mr confuse your mind,you know the type that doesn't want you back but still wants to have sex with you. so he is kinda like blah blah lets take things slow and see how it goes. So you are not in a 'relationship' but you are sleeping together. he says he needs to sort his feelings out, figure out what he really wants but he loves you blah blah but funny how his d**k has no problem figuring out what it wants huh?So he confuses you, and you don't move on cause you are stuck in this halfway house in between being in a relationship and jus being sex buddies. 9 out of 10 times you later find out he has a new girlfriend on the side and get hurt again.

Some say that you should never get back together again with a guy whose broken your heart coz you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Others say to err is human and to forgive is divine. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer but I guess the secret to avoid being hurt again is to make sure that if ever he does come back on bended knees begging you to take him back, make sure that he is not bored, spiteful or jus trying to confuse your mind.

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.



(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)

The Rich also Cry.............

Mama Im so depressed xxx has cheated on me
"Ah that's not important you have a good job."
Can you believe what That Uche has been going around saying about me I'm so hurt
"You complain too much sha thank God you have so many degrees."
I feel so lonely I wish I had a friend
"with the amount of money you earn I wouldn't be worried about not having friends, go shopping"
I'm feeling suicidal I feel like I cant cope
"Don't be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselves trying to date you."

Its not that I don't count my blessings, I do, each and everyday, when I wake up and when I go to bed. It would not have mattered though if i didnt, for I can almost name more than 30 odd people who will most certainly be ready and willing to count them for me. Not that they need to wait for an invitation, my ears are already ringing from their constant remainders of how lucky or blessed I am .............. "You lucky you have a good job," " you lucky you so intelligent", "you are lucky you have such a close family," " you are lucky your parents. have so much money," "you are lucky that all your family members I still alive," "you are lucky you got that promotion," " i really envy you," "i wish i was like you," "you are my inspiration," "God has been really kind to you"...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wouldn't it drive you crazy as well? As if this was not enough they have voted me 'the most envied' person in my social network on facebook. I'm sick of it. Its not that I am ungrateful I more than anyone else am well aware that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need / expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small mercies...well actually big mercies. Its not the fact that people remind me to be grateful that gets to me, its the fact that for some reason people believe that the trauma/ill will/bad luck/misfortunes/problems/catastrophes (yes catastrophes I have had my fair share of those in my 26yrs) that I go through are simply inconsequential/ or not worth recognising since my countless blessings make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be enduring. Consequently I'm the type of purpose who has to wail loudly before some recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently will not cut it, and even when recognised my feelings are instantly dismissed as if they do not matter as if they are inconsequential simply because.....simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 26year African woman.

I never get to have a voice ........this is the story of my life, I feel as if I'm being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds, even though I am where I am through blood sweat and tears. I hate the life I have, not that its not wonderful but that I don't matter enough, people have stopped seeing the real me and started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc, somehow I feel that were I to commit suicide the first comments would not be concern but would be reproach........ 'what a waste her life was great.' or 'she killed her self why? I thought she had a good job and all' (no i dont plan to commit suicide).

In fact this business of thinking that somehow it was justified for me to have painful or whatever experiences just because the odds were always in my favour, started when I was quite young. I remember my parents sent me to an extremely expensive private school. So expensive was it that it took my dads two months wages to pay a terms fees and even at that time he earned a lot. My mother never made me forget this. Somehow it was okay for me to be bullied (we were only a handful of black kids) at school (not that it was okay but simply I was supposed to be grateful because my other siblings although they were at private school as well their fees was not nearly as high as mine) It was 'okay' for me not to go on holiday simply because I went to the expensive school. It was okay for me not to have as much holiday pocket money as the others after all they were going without (yeah right) so that my parents could fund my expensive education. From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not want to complain or let anyone know that I was unhappy I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which even made me unhappier which then made me even guiltier and ashamed of myself which made me even more depressed then i would feel even guiltier (if there is such a word) for being depressed when i should be grateful.......in short it became a vicious circle.

It probably still is up to now, i still have to think twice before I say my problems to people then I have to say them 5times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no one comforted me, when I tried to reach out to people they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me....I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her that I was feeling suicidal and I couldn't cope anymore, I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself I was the luckiest person in the world and that a lot of people envied my life....she said to me she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality...don't be silly she said..if only she knew that at that precise moment I was very close to the brink. Do you know that a large percentage of suicides are committed by people who are middle class and above? Not that its a sport of the rich fabulous or fantastic only but statics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people.....guess that's why people say money doesn't buy you happiness.....which is not true..... its because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you your happiness that they don't make the effort to ensure that you are really and truly happy like they would for a less well to do relative.

I guess I'm sick and tired of having to shout to be heard, having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion, kindness, cuddles or warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn't change the fact that I am still human, I've insecurities, I have days that I feel ugly, periods of time when I feel that the world is closing in on me , crushing me and I can not breathe. There will be days when I could use a shoulder to cry on, months when I would gladly trade my life for yours, there will be weeks when I don't get out of bed, mornings when I weep and cry to God why me Jehovah? It doesn't mean I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have....its just that I'm human, and countless blessings or great mercies if you cut me open I bleed... (sorry Leona Lewis). So next time if I'm in despair and I could do with a friend, please don't recite my numerous blessings, just give me a hug . I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after safes are locked and the banks have closed, well after expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket, the jewellery is removed and the jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed, when the house help has gone home,and the curtains are drawn, and they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness................ sometimes the rich.......actually........ sometimes I, just like the rich also cry.

Flabby wrote a similar post only saw it after i had written mine but its worth checking out My Side of the Story!: My right to hurt
PS: This post is in response to someone who was concerned that my posts are rather 'dark'. I am happy with most aspects of my life, career, home etc but i struggle in others. I normally have an outlet for my joy but i struggle in terms of expressing my pain (hopefully this post has explained why) and thats why i blog. PS: I am not rich!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sending you a four paged letter..........

To Whom It May Concern (YT)


Reference: Answers

I wasn't going to write, there was no point, for if you didn't realise it then, you wont realise it now, even if I wrote it in blood on a ten foot banner and hang it on top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part, and i am not weak I refuse to be weak, but Nixx said I should, (write to you that is), she says I owe it to myself, she says only when I have poured out my heart (actually not my heart but my pain) that's when I can release my demons and totally completely wholly move on. Nixx says I have physically moved on because I got up and walked and am still walking, but she says I left my soul behind at that precise moment I spoke to you and you said you needed space........She says I have to go back and pick up my heart even if its in shreds I still need to retrace my steps and pick it up, for it is mine, I'm restless without it....Nixx says I'm losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me is still trapped in that day that phone call.....She says you can not heal without being cured, and you can not be cured until you get the right treatment, and you can not get the right treatment until you know the source of the pain....she says I need to go back to the source......I need to face my demons so that I can tell them to flee.....for me to do that i need answers............so I'm writing you a four paged letter.........

I could be the bigger person and say 'I hope this letter finds you in good health' but I don't have the strength to pretend i feel that which I do not, so I'm going to tell it like i feel it. I don't wish you harm neither do I wish you well, if that makes me less of a woman, then I'm happy being a child.My heart feels what my lips can not convey, so much I want to say to you, but i know not the words, I can only feel. I wish we could just for a second swap souls, then maybe you would feel what I wish no man to feel but that which torments my mind and I find no rest. I ask myself questions that only you can answer. I feel like a horse that is groomed for the races by its owner, day by day he trains it, he makes it work twice as hard coz he wants t to be the best, but when it is ready, and fit enough to take the trophy, he cuts off its legs so that it can not compete.

I loved you, don't ask me if i still do, even I don't know if that question has answers, but right now at this hour, this second I feel more pain than love, more hurt than disappointment.I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, how can you own what you never had? Even the law says ownership is 3/4 possession, I never possessed you, I thought I did but in reality I didn't. Its not the fact that we broke up that hurts, I've been there done that, bought the t/shirt, Its not the fact that I loved you...I've loved before (albeit not as strongly), been loved before and can be loved and love again that I'm sure, its not at all about the timing (even though you could have timed it better coz it was the night of lil Princess's birthday and now that day will forever be tied with my heart breaking). It hurts because I meant so little to you that you encouraged me not to take the career offer yet you knew that wern't going anywhere.

When you were wondering what to do with your life I supported you, I was there for you, I felt your pain when you were going through a rough time, I prayed for you, was there for you. I know it meant little, wasn't much in your eyes but I did it with my heart because i believed in you, how could i not for you were the man i loved. You knew how much i wanted that career move, how i dreamt it, breathed it , prayed for it, wanted it to happen. You knew, yet you said 'babe don't take it, now things are on the up for me so we will be okay, I'll take care of us' I believed you, I was doubtful coz i have given my heart before and it got broken, but you begged me to trust you, I asked what if things go wrong..you said baby we will never go wrong I've got you. I was scared but i took the leap of faith, I had to, for once in my life i wanted to trust someone completely , whole heartedly mind body and soul...and what better way to do it.......I gave up the career move risking it all becoz i loved you....two weeks later you say you need space....WHY did you make me give up that career move that was going to change my life if you knew that we weren't going anywhere? Why did you not encourage me to take it if you knew your plans had changed, were now different from mine? WHY? you knew that offer was what i had hoped for prayed for yet you convinced me not to take it for you, yet you knew I wouldn't have you for long? I supported your dreams why couldn't you have supported mine especially knowing what you knew?

what did i do to you that wanted to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you did not wish the best for me? You could have said take the offer coz we might not work out, you could have said 'babe your career is more important right now' but you didn't you said 'trust me'. I gave you my all you at least owed me that.I have so many questions only you can answer,if you could treat me like that then surely you did not care, love knows no spite. I remember all the things that you said, 'I'm your world , I'm your life' I'm your this and I'm your that, were they all lies? Did you even like me? did I even if jus for a second make a fleeting stop on your heart? Did you ever once tell me the truth? When you said I was strong, I was wise, I was special, were you being kind or were you just fooling... Its not that I want you back or I need you back. For me to move on I have to know. You put me on a pedestal then when I was standing tall, snatched it from beneath me and i fell to the ground. You took away the belief that I had in the woman that I am, not because its over but becoz I feel I must have little worth, meant so little to you for you to hurt me the way that you did.

You might not have thought about it at the time.....never thought about the impact on my career or opportunities, it was never your problem....is not your problem, coz I should have known better to give up my life just for love..an elusive emotion that you can not even touch..... but if you had truly loved me, even simply liked me, how could it escape you?

I've heard you've moved on, got somebody else, had somebody else even when you were 'making plans for us' even as you were encouraging me to let the offer go...don't get me wrong you did not force me, I'm a grown woman, I did it coz I loved you, wanted to prove my love to you. I wanted to be your woman, your only woman, be all that you needed , all that you wanted, i thought I was, you said I was, so did you not owe me in the very least honesty to say...babe take the offer, my feelings have changed, I've got someone else????

I'm not questioning why you left,I too have left too many times so I know the drill by heart, besides I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for, she can offer you more but what i don't understand is why....why you encouraged me to change my plans, why you wanted to hurt me like that? why now you want to be 'friends' why you can pretend it never happened, why in the very least you cant say sorry? All i want is answers, not you back...just answers.

I want you to be happy....I want you to move on, i know you have moved on....I want you to have laughter,I want you to find love and happiness, I want you to have fulfillment, never cry, find contentment and always be at peace.....but above all that I wish the same for my self.......that's why I got to.....have to.....need to....write you this four paged letter...........

From Penrith to Sheffield: the journey of an empty paper cup

It was a life changing experience, not that it had set out to be, of course it hadn't. This was a different sort of 'life changing moment' not quite as momentous as passing your A levels, getting married or being fired from your first job, but it did change my life, that paper cup changed my way of thinking in a way that paper cups don't routinely change your life. It was a very ordinary sort of paper cup from a very ordinary sort of coffee shop, contain a certainly not quite upmarket brand of decaffeinated coffee. If anything the decaff coffee had no business being bought, it was too expensive, tasted cheap, plus as British weather goes it was quite a hot and humid day more fitting for cola than coffee. My first encounter with the paper cup was at Penrith Station, not that there were any further encounters after this, but it just sounds better saying it that way. I was on my way to Sheffield with my line Manager, bored, tired and had run out of small talk, After all there is very little to be said to your boss in the way of chit chat least you get carried away and start blubbering on about the 4 day sick leave you took last month when you were quite not so sick but more drunk. Anyway with the chit chat over and done with in the first 3 minutes of us being together, and out of sheer desperation I did what I do best in a crisis,, create a deficit in my bank account, which means in lay mans language shop. Not that you would call buying an expensive substandard coffee at a train station shopping, but that's how the coffee cup started its journey en route to Sheffield. I drank the substandard coffee in two or three gulps not coz it was nice but that it gave me a reasonable excuse why not to engage in small chit chat with you know who. anyway so come Lancaster and all I have left is a empty dirty paper cup and no bin to chuck it in. No bins in the train , no bins at Lancaster train station, no bins when we changed at Manchester Piccadilly and no bins when we change at Stockport. I was desperate to get rid of coffee cup it was just unnecessary excess baggage that I didn't not need. Unnecessary excess baggage that i could do without. It was making it almost impossible to carry all my bags and on occasion when we reached a bumpy stretch it would roll all over the carriage way and i would have to run around looking for it. it started to annoy me this coffee cup, I just couldn't get rid of it. I had no more use of it but still I kept it. I could have chucked it on the floor but i wondered what people would do, what they would say. It was making me miserable but still I hang on to it as if it was a life support machine and my life depended on it. Finally we reach Sheffield after a miserable 4 hour journey on the train. I race to customer services to complain, why I had to be saddled with an unfortunate travel companion when the rail company could just have provided bins . "But madam "the customer service chap said 'you should just have left it at the train platform in Penrith we have cleaners who would just have got rid of it, you didn't need to lug it around totally unnecessary." this got me thinking 'how many coffee cup' do we lug around in our live and simply refuse to put down simply because we don't want to not because we cant? I thought of all the coffee cups i was lugging around past hurts, past mistakes, things i should have done that I didn't and things that i did that i shouldn't. I released that some of the stuff i was lugging around was useless, making me miserable and just excess baggage i didn't need, just like that empty coffee cup. The experience with the paper coffee cup didn't quite change my life but it changed my thinking. It changed the ways I viewed things even about my emotional coffee cups from my encounter with YT, cause i didn't need to carry them round no more. Just as lugging round that coffee cup had been my choice, coz i was afraid of what people would say, i thought i shouldn't i couldn't, that was the same way i was dealing with all my emotional baggage from YT I thought i couldn't chuck it away, i thought i couldn't i just wouldn't......................now i know i can and I have. The journey from Sheffield was much lighter, not only had I chucked the coffee paper cup but all my emotional baggage as well. I feel much happier now, am in a much better place within myself, finally I can honestly say I'm free...........all thanks to an empty paper cup's journey from Penrith to Sheffield.