'Only a fool breaks his own heart'

I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish. But occasionally if i was to rate my behaviour on a scale of 1-10, 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly foolish, well I guess would rate at about 9.6 (and that's me being incredibly lenient with myself lol).I have learnt through the events of the past three weeks that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and just becomes plain foolishness/stupidity especially when the shared thing in question is called a man.

I have always had this annoying (now I realise incredibly foolish) habit of trying to push my ex boyfriends on to my friends. I guess I had some warped philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me but right for one of my friends then it wasn't a pointless 5 months, 1 year or 3 year but that God was using me for some higher cause and it wasn't my flaws that pushed him away (hey i did mention warped didn't I lol).

anyway so two weeks ago i decided to try and force an X of mine onto a friend, now normally this has never worked for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would
a) want a girlfriend hooked up by their x who may or may not have a vendetta
b) want a man who is their friends reject, coz why else would he have been dumped if he didn't have a million and one flaws?
c)this screams desperation and no one wants to be seen as desperate (even if they are really desperate).
But on this occasion luck (so i thought then) was on my side. Friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and X boyfriend.......well i didn't know much about x boyfriend we stopped talking (or rather i stopped taking his calls) many moons ago.

Anyway so i spend the whole day and most of the evening extolling the virtues of the X boyfriend. I lied, i exaggerated and i unashamedly made up information where I didn't have a clue. So it worked by the end of the evening friend of a friend was drooling at the mouth, eyes watering , savouring the thought of bagging X boyfriend. She asked me for his number and literally called him then and then, girl wasn't taking any chances, i felt like saying slow down b*tch, this ain't a rush for the last drumstick on the plate but i held my breath. So they talked the whole night, and the morning after, and the whole afternoon, it was then that i started having slight misgivings that this wasn't such a good idea after all.....but unfortunately the horse had already bolted.

Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and ask for advice tips of what he likes blah blah blah, part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing, and well the other part just really wanted to be happy for them, you know 'the whole God is using me for a higher cause bullsh*t'. the guy was pulling out all the stops, freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and sexy lingerie under pillows (got my friend to sneak it in) , handwritten notes and lil poems (okay i knew he was a hopeless romantic but WTF when did he start writing letters???I felt like picking up the phone and having a go like 'hey you never wrote to me!!!! I started having niggling doubts like 'maybe i was too hasty breaking up with the dude', 'maybe i took him too much for granted and never realised all he had to offer ' now here he was taking friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back' damn it could have been me in the cockpit of that space ship.

Friend of a friend then decided to call me, they were finally going to meet last Monday and boy was she so excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah blah (at this point I had stopped listening, all i wanted to scream was 'yeah I know all that I bloody dated the dude for a whole year remember!!!. She decides to end the call by stating 'You must be a fool to have let him go, cause he seems such an incredible guy'

Then my friend calls me, and diplomatically asks if i would get rid of the photo album as its not really appropriate for me to still keep it given the circumstances. (in case you don't know I have a whole album full of photos me and the X boyfriend took on a romantic break away. I haven't disposed of the album simply cause
a) i look stunning in all the photos lol and
b) I had fun on that holiday, an incredible time so why should i throw away all my photos coz she feels uncomfortable, hell if she was uncomfortable with me having dated him surely she should not have agreed to date him too.

Anyway so on Wednesday they met, and apparently it didn't go so well. My friend informed me that my X for some reason or other (i will not speculate lol) decided that all he wanted was just to be friends blah blah blah. the calls have nearly all but stopped, there are no more chocolates or poems under her pillow, guess she will have to wear the sexy lingerie for someone else( lol am not gloating but if truth be told im incredibly relieved). Needless to say now friend of a friend and my friend were mad at me, apparently they think i set her up or something. She was ranting on the phone to me ' you knew he was an ass why were you hooking me up blah blah' (talk about being ungrateful, was she not the one a few days ago claiming that I was a fool to let him go??

I haven't cried in a long time but I cried when i got off the phone, not because I still love him, its strange i never really loved the guy, nor did i want him back, nor does he make my list of the top boyfriends ever to grace the earth, but i cried all the same. I cried coz of my photo album, I cried coz this situation was becoming incredibly complicated, i cried coz i realised that only a fool by her actions breaks her own heart. I'm genuinely sorry for her though cause i too thought that they had a good thing going (I cried remember) but on a positive note at least I get to keep my photo album lol.

Anyway we are somewhat cool now. We all met yesterday and were able to laugh it off somewhat. But never again will I attempt to do something so foolish as to try and hook up my friends with an X boyfriend, coz ..........................


ps: Santa please hurry with those giant ear muffs, Johhny and his girlfriend are now invading my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down on Bended knees

"whatever I said, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, I want you back for good"
I don't remember who sang this song, but I cant help humming it as i type this post. I'm no relationship expert, certainly i have failed in that domain four times over and had it been a college course or a job I would have been permanently barred from the field due to incompetence. So you can understand why I would normally shy away from giving relationship advice. (I would normally point you in the direction of Shona or Afrobabe and leave them to the job). Okay back to my non expert advice...............listen carefully coz this will be my first and last bit of unsolicited advice......

now if you are going to break up with someone and there is even a tiny bit of chance however remote that in the distant or not too distant future you might be begging that person to take you back, then PLEASE don't use phrases like 'ugly,' 'fcuking bitch', 'i never loved you', 'I was fcuking someone else all along', 'you were sh*t in bed', 'good riddance', or 'it was jus a fling,' in your break up vocabulary coz those kind of phrases do not enhance your prospects in any way when you go back to her/him down on bended knees grovelling for a second chance (with that girl or boy who according to you was a fat ugly fcuking bitch who you never loved as it was just a fling so that's why you were fcukiing someone else all along and its good riddance ). I would advice everyone to mind their break up language cause sooner or later you will definitely come back grovelling when you discover that the grass is indeed not greener on the other side......it rarely is.(90% of the time anyway according to my own biased inaccurate and totally unreliable research lol)

anyway there is nothing as humiliating or as dehumanising as grovelling before someone who you called all sorts of names and swore that you would never ever want anything to do with even if they were the last woman on earth and the survival of mankind depended on it. Certainly talking from expirence its rather off putting to say the least. Case in point 'he whose name we do not speak' I found myself literally imprisoned at my own front door. dude was down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, grabbing at my feet, blocking the door so that I could not move, begging me to take him back. (seriously even the worst soap could not have written this into a script). I was trying to shut my door in his face, the poor guy was hanging on for dear life, had it been a movie it would have been comical to say the least starring Chris Rock , Adam Sandler or Jim Carey but trust me when its happening at your own front door there is nothing comical about it, all you wanna do is call the cops asap.

I would have, had it not been so pathetic, gone was the over confident cocky dude cruising round in his two seater merc, Life post our breakup had not been kind to him and it showed in a number of ways (I wont waste your time going over them lol) Funny how tables turn, this was the very same guy who when I eventually took the hint and broke up with him swore he would never be back, that he didn't love me anyway blah blah blah and how I should hit the road running coz he didn't give a damn.....the irony of it all......guess u wouldn't blame me then for secretly humming eminem's 'guess whose back' under my breath. I felt vindicated in a way coz whilst I had realised that I could live without him and I could do so much better, he in turn had discovered that he couldn't live without me and i was his 'everything'. To cut a long story short, I shut my door in his face, that's one guy who is never coming within a mile of my heart again, i was done with him a long time ago.Someone else asked me to take him back but that's a story for another post(I'm on a roll this month guess its something in the northern chilly air lol).

To take him back or not to take him back, that's a dilemma that faces each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. My theory is there are four different types of men who beg you to take them back.

there is the genuine type, the dude who truly realised that he made a mistake by letting you go and genuinely wants another chance to make things right, to make it work. he will fight hard to have you back and when he succeeds makes damn sure he keeps you for good.

there is the 'got nothing better to do I'm bored type', he doesn't really want you back, but he has discovered that there is nothing interesting out there, or all the single ladies are not rushing out to date him like he thought they would, so after a few weeks or months of being dateless the novelty of being single starts to wear thin and he gets disillusioned and thinks I might as well just go back to good old faithful miss DM.

the 'spiteful type' this is probably the most popular type of guy. he doesn't want you back, but he doesn't want you to be happy either. So every time you start getting back on your feet, or have one or two guys genuinely interested in you and you are starting to contemplate going out with one of them, he reappears on the scene saying how much he wants you back blah blah blah and how he made a mistake, you take him back only for him to hurt you again, and when you eventually get back on your feet he reappears again, and the same thing keeps happening again and again.

then there is Mr confuse your mind,you know the type that doesn't want you back but still wants to have sex with you. so he is kinda like blah blah lets take things slow and see how it goes. So you are not in a 'relationship' but you are sleeping together. he says he needs to sort his feelings out, figure out what he really wants but he loves you blah blah but funny how his d**k has no problem figuring out what it wants huh?So he confuses you, and you don't move on cause you are stuck in this halfway house in between being in a relationship and jus being sex buddies. 9 out of 10 times you later find out he has a new girlfriend on the side and get hurt again.

Some say that you should never get back together again with a guy whose broken your heart coz you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Others say to err is human and to forgive is divine. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer but I guess the secret to avoid being hurt again is to make sure that if ever he does come back on bended knees begging you to take him back, make sure that he is not bored, spiteful or jus trying to confuse your mind.

What The Fu*k!??!! (when love is not blind but ridiculously shortsighted)

Have you ever thought of, met, looked at a picture of, reminisced about an x boyfriend and thought What the fcuk was i thinking dating this guy? You know, that point when your rose tinted glasses are broken/removed and you can see him clearly as the loser, jerk, lazy ass, serial cheater, violent thug, user , chancer, or good for nothing jobless sh*t that he was? Okay maybe nothing quite so drastic but you realise anyway many moons after the relationship is over that you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved and could do better? Well if you haven't, I have.

Some of them x’s are dead funny, you can laugh it off as ‘I was young and foolish’ or I didn't know better, but some of them ain't so funny, when he gets arrested for rape , or you hear he beats up his wife or he now has 6 children from 5 different baby mamas, or he is dying of HIV or its ten years down the line (since you split up) and he still cant hold down a decent job or he spends 23 hrs at the local pub stone drunk or his doing time in jail for supplying class A narcotics, then you get goosebumps on your flesh coz suddenly you think OH MY FCUKING BALLS that could have been my husband!!!!!!! It is at that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief or thank God for not always granting prayers and thank him for sometimes dragging us out of potential ‘fires’ or ‘frying pans’ even though we fervently prayed for him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part? Who knows, what type of lives we would be leading right now yoked to these WTF kind of dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone, to make things work simply because we 'love' them that we become ridiculously short sighted and live for the day forgetting to think realistically whether in reality you could actually spend the rest of your life with a man who is drunk every night or who cant hold down a steady job or who has been into bother with the law again and again. I don't believe that love is blind coz 97% of the times we are aware that he is a violent man, a drunkard, controlling etc but we just tend to brush it aside thinking he will change, its just a phase or its not really important......wait until you have three kids together who need getting fed and clothed and he spends all your income on booze or you are in the A and E night and day from the bruises that he will have given you and then you can tell me whether you still think its 'not important'. My aunt taught me something important, (not that I have always followed her advice) never date a man who you can never envisage as a potential reliable father to your 'children' Or rather do we foolishly believe that love conquers all whether that 'all' is drink, drugs, unemployment, irresponsibility, infidelity or recklessness? I must admit love does conquer some some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect 'love' to conquer.....hell even Napoleon's armies would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally I am proud of my X’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve, and the possibility that by being in their life for a year or maybe two, I might have some how contributed positively to the successful man that they have become. However I do have an X that I wish I could discount when I'm tallying up my bedpost notches, the one that I would be too embarrassed to introduce to any of my current friends real virtual or even imaginary, the one that will always make me change direction when I see him coming, the one that i try by all means possible to refer to as an old friend instead of as one of my X’s. The one who gives me a WTF moment every time I meet him, think of him, or see his picture.

My WTF X boyfriend did not do anything quite as drastic as having 6 baby mamas, do time as a guest of Her Majesty’s prison service or get arrested for a sexual offence....his crime was failing to make something of himself....okay lemme explain a Lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating I was 18 he was 19, first love first fcuk first kiss first everything, i loved him when he had nothing he loved me when I had nothing, he gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King I get mine as a support worker , 1 year down the line we still dating I get into law school he's still at the checkout in Burger King, a year later I'm in second year law school his still at the checkout in Burger King. A year later exactly 3 years since we started dating we split up nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and all but that's a story for another day.

So roughly 4yrs since i knew him I got a law degree and he was still at burger King. To cut a long story short I go off to do my postgrad studies and all and get a full time professional job dude is still at Burger King not even promoted to floor manager working with 16/17year olds a grown ass man aged 27 who has no ambition what so ever in his life (I have nothing against working at a fast food restaurant after all they to have corporate ladders that you can climb).

So every time one of my mates walk into his branch of Burger King and see my WTF dude there , they always make it a point to give me a ring to rub it in, making silly jokes like had i been married to him i would be entitled to free burgers or happy meals for nearly 9 years running and all i can think is WTF......Okay i must admit though that there was a time i didn't feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him, a time that i wanted to spend the rest of my earthly life and my eternal one as well yoked to this guy........but that is way way way back in the past and as for now all I feel when I see him, think about him or am reminded of him is What the Fcuk, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS for the record (just so that i don't get hassled by the men in here,)am sure that there are WTF kind of girls out there too.

Blame it on the Weatherman .............

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked. ........here's how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.

He's walked in my shoes.................

I have just locked the door its confirmed, his sleeping in his car outside my house. I don't know who is more bewildered, me for pulling it off or him for actually realising that I pulled it off!!!!! He probably thought i was joking, hell even I didn't quite believe I would see it through, but I did, and he is sleeping in his two seater Mercedes Benz, frozen solid, I was not gracious enough to loan him a blanket, neither was he humble enough to beg for one, bet he isn't 'flexing' in it now (his merc) like he ususally does, picking up women at every second bus stop. Bet his thumping through his little black book, wondering who is available to give him a roof over his head just for one night, but at 300miles from his nearest bedpost notch.....its more than confirmed his sleeping in his car tonight....less than 3yards from my 3bed house with two empty bedrooms. I have not been completely unkind, 3 sharp raps on my door, will ensure that at least he has access to the bathroom facilities, well that is if I hear him, well actually if i choose to hear him.

He knew, I told him again and again 'there's no room at this inn'guess he thought I was kidding. I was nice enough to him this whole afternoon, let him watch the olympics, eat my fruits and drink my tea, the sign outside read clearly 'you can eat and you can drink, we can laugh and you can play BUT when night time comes please note there is no room at this inn' yet he chose to ignore it and now his sleeping in his car tonight.

Tonight he sleeps in a cold lonely place, only the clothes on his back his companion, nearly 4yrs to this date I too slept with a cold lonely heart my companion. Today he wonders how could she? 4yrs to this date I too wondered how could he? He wonders whether I'm joking, I wondered whether I was dreaming. He locked me out of his heart, I just locked him out of my house. How the tables have turned, well not quite....coz whilst I walked, head held high and never looked back, his still outside, hopeless, clueless and in despair and wondering where the hell it went wrong...as if it ever were right. I've never been one to kick a man whilst his down, but I've never been known to help lift up a man who was down either. What made me walk neary 4yrs ago, is keeping him from walking 4yrs down the line...don't know if it has sank in just yet, that he is actually sleeping in his car tonight.

Him whose name we do not speak, ti's he whose sleeping in his car tonight. How he came to be here, why I locked him out rather than in.....well that's a post for another day, but blogsville please note that tonight....... even if its just for a night, He Whose Name We Do Not Speak has walked or rather...... tonight He Whose Name We Do Not Speak will indeed sleep....rather than walk, in my shoes, the very same shoes which I once wore, nearly 4yrs to this date...............

No more Drama

Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private space..my blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.

When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had done....read him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?

Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.

I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'

"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'

ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol

Guilty Pleasures..........

Some things are just not meant to be good for you, they might make you smile and become all warm and fuzzy inside but they are still not good for you. Guilty pleasures, our little slices of heaven with dollops of hell as dessert, irresistible you've just got to eat it, drink it,buy it, sell it , do it,have him, date her. Like moths to the light, caution thrown to the wind, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Living in the moment, we become careless, like modern day Goliath's fearless of the impending consequences. That 12 oz cake at tea time, foolish impulsiveness, suddenly your dress size 8 becomes a 16, that one night stand behind the pub, steamy and sizzling without a thought that today's unprotected sex is tomorrows gonorrhea syphilis or HIV. What makes us live in the moment, so oblivious to the danger and repercussions to follow? What is it about our sense of being, that can make us throw months of hard work, tough fitness regime, careful budget ting, safe sex practices for the simple benefit of 2, 3 7 or maybe 20 minutes of pleasure followed by disproportionate amount of pain via weight gain, job loss, bankruptcy and STD's. As human beings have we some secret fetish for pain and suffering that we plunge headlong into the roaring flames and hope we come out unscathed? My guilty pleasure that isn't supposed to be good for me called last night. Yes none other than Yours Truly (YT), you are all probably sick of hearing his name, but maybe just maybe in the process of blogging him to death, I just might, even if its just a teeny itsy bit of a chance blog him right out of my heart!!. My heart skipped a bit, tummy doing somersaults grand enough to pre qualify me for the Chinese Olympics had I the stamina to enter. Knees weak, voice all squeaky and mousy, suddenly I'm transformed from the confident woman who was at the acceptance stage of grief and ready to embrace my singleness into this quivering jungle of a mess ready to scream 'take me Back' Take me Back YT suddenly weeks of a careful and long drawn effort to get over YT count for nought. My guilty pleasure, speaking to YT is my guilty pleasure, reminds me why I first feel in love with him, still am in love with him despite YT having RTS (returned to sender) the tiny little shreds of glass wrapped in cellophane, yes that was all that what was left of my heart when YT did the dirty with Face book friend. 3hrs of pure undiluted dollops of guilty pleasure hearing his voice across the miles, across the phone......... I'm caught in the moment, mindless of the fact that he broke my heart, mindless of the fact that it still hurts, mindless of the fact that I need time to recover, get him out of my system, heedless of the fact that when I get off the phone I'll probably cry......... Its pleasure and its guilty and I'm loving every single 180mins of it...... He cracks a joke I laugh..... pays a compliment and I blush.....he pauses......drops his voice and whispers "You know what Definitely Maybe, I've never stopped loving you," It is at that precise moment I realise that warm fuzzy feelings or no warm fuzzy feelings, some things no matter how much they make you smile and throw caution to the wind are still guilty pleasures.................. not meant to be good for you

.....And Lead us not into temptation

Not that I would ever want to be in Eve's position, yes that Eve, the Eve from the garden of Eden, that Eve who allegedly cursed all women kind into experiencing a somewhat terrifying version of Friday the 13th but with a happy ending called Child birth, lucky then that when she committed that fateful faux pas, did the deed with the serpent she was at that point the only female on earth. I shudder to think what would have happened to her had a lynch mob of women been present on the fateful day when Eve learnt her fate for her trespasses. Without a doubt Eve wouldn't have survived that indiscretion.....hell hath no fury like women who feel they are being punished for the indiscretions of another.
Okay in case you are wondering I'm not going to go all Hallelujah brother Jesus on you. I got thinking about Eve coz sometime this afternoon definitely Maybe felt as if she was having that same conversation Eve had with the serpent in Eden. Only that DM's Eden was her desk during a lunch break and the serpent none other than 'The One who Got Away' henceforth known as TOWGA for short. Now don't be confusing Yours Truly (YT) with Towga. Towga was way before YT's time (yeah between you and I, I've been round the block a bit). Towga would have been my back up spouse just in case things did not go according to plan with YP ( well obviously save for the small glitch in the plan which was in the form of Towga's current live in girlfriend and the daughter they have together....but that's a story for another post). Towga was the love of my youth before the love of my entire life universe and soul YT came into the picture. Towga is the one that taught me all about love before I went to the State of the art Swiss finishing school called YT, You get the drift YT was the main actor and Towga the under study, Towga a pretty good meat free vegan substitute to YT's 12oz T Bone steak of a man. Not that I'm planning to eat any of the two but no doubt if I was to pick any man in the world who YT had to fear in terms of urpsing him from being Mr Definitely Maybe, then it wouldn't be Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Blair Underwood (well i tell I lie it would have been Blair Underwood had there been even the faintest whiff that I could bag him ) but for the purposes of this post it was Towga. Not that YT had anything to fear from Towga , after all in my eyes YT was the world's greatest, right up there with Muhammad Ali not that I've had Muhammad Ali that is (but if he is offering....). Okay so back to the garden of Eden...Towga phones me this afternoon (having caught wind of the fact that Definitely Maybe is single again via the evil medium of face book updates). After asking about my health ( not the sexual health that would have been too obvious wouldn't it?), he drops the bombshell, Live in Girlfriend plus daughter are away visiting the in laws in Zimbabwe and his decided to take a little vacation and catch up with Definitely Maybe visit for a few days, nothing dodgy everything above board. (yeah right I'm thinking I know the kind of catching up you wanting to do alright.......). I must admit I was tempted, nothing like a rebound relationship without the potential to go anywhere, to help me get over YT and propel me right into the I'm single and I'm going to make the most of it phase. But I don't roll like that, as much as it sounds tempting YT is very much a part of who I am and it would take someone twice maybe thrice as nice as YT and definitely more than 10times as nice as Towga (minus the complications of the live in girlfriend and the daughter) to get Miss Definitely Maybe to get past the I miss YT phase into the 'Can someone please taste my kitty Kat stage' so as my cellphone rings and I see once again its Towga on the prowl, I cant help but say a quick prayer, Lord please lead me not into temptation....................