Lights, Camera, Penis ...........Idiots!!!!!

To all those bubble bursting so and so's (Shubby, Clnmike, Aloofar included) who claimed my 'almost' moment didn't count, I have decided to withhold the juicy details, now we will see if my almost moment isn't a big deal after all ha ha ha ha whose laughing now (LMAO!!!) I'm not completely heartless though, so in compensation I will tell you about some rather idiotic incident that happened a while ago. I know i wasn't born an idiot, I cried when the midwife slapped my bottom, I took to breastfeeding like I had read the manual, I never tried to taste my poo poo like the whole bunch of you when you were kids, and the only subject in which i had to cheat at exams was Maths, so I'm convinced that my transition to idiocy most have happened overnight i probably got struck struck by lightening and in a flash turned from reasonably intelligent to thick, for how else would you explain the episode that happened below?

PS: names have not been changed to protect the identity of the two idiots involved.

(its 11pm, I'm bored, in bed alone twiddling my thumbs, tryin unsuccessfully to count sheep when my phone rang)
ms DM: hello
Spence (idiot 1) : hey Miss DM its been ages
(now me and Spence have been friends since forever, we grew up together)
ms DM (idiot 2): hey Spence, where have you been hiding?
***insert plenty of small talk***

Mr idiot 1: I'm bored
Ms idiot 2: me too (note to self an idle mind is the devil's workshop)

(Ms idiot 2 starts giggling)
Idiot 1: hey idiot 2 whats funny

idiot 2: nothing idiot 1
Idiot 1: come on idiot 2 we have been friends for ages, why are you laughing

Idiot 2, its nothing i swear (idiot 2 starts giggling again)
Idiot 1, now that's really unfair coz i think you laughing at me

Idiot 2: don't be silly, okay I was just thinking back when we were all kids and we used to show each other our bits (insert more giggling here)
Idiot 1:(insert a lot of laughing out loud) we were stupid then, but then we were young and innocent

Idiot 2 : well I'm still young and innocent.
Idiot 1, ha ha ha ha so you are saying you would still show your bits?

Idiot 2, if i wanted to yes, now wouldn't it be funny if we compared our bits sought of like before and after (more foolish giggling)
Idiot 1: LOL that would be funny

idiot 2: show me yours
Idiot 1: are you crazy how??????????

idiot 2: just show me.......send me a picture message or something and i will send you one
Idiot 1: lol okay hold on

Idiot 2: seriously?????????
Idiot 1, yeah why not we are friends aren't we ?

idiot 2, (insert more foolish giggling )am waiting
Idiot one: have you received it yet?

idiot 2 : still waiting.......
idiot 2: hold on I have a text message (starts giggling)
Idiot 2: i cant believe you actually sent it ha ha ha ha

idiot 1: what you laughing at? I'm more than averaged sized
idiot 2 :yes its very big but this is really naughty (not to mention incredibly foolish)

idiot 1: I'm waiting.........its your turn
idiot 2: say what????????????????????????

idiot 1: well we have a deal, you said show me and i will show you, so its your turn
idiot 2: (don't insert any more giggling, just a really uncomfortable silence) errrrrrrrrrrrrr but..

idiot 1: Idiot 2 don't you try and play me now.
idiot 2: my phone camera ain't working plus the lighting in here ain't good

idiot 1 : ( starts hurling abuse) you ain't playing fair
idiot 2: am sending , have sent (sent a blank pic)
idiot 1 (hurls abuse, loads of F words, C words and B words)you are a spoilt bitch, selfish c*nt, you feasted on my shit now you don't want to keep your end of the deal

idiot 2 N*gga i cant possibly show you my thing
idi0t 1 why the hell not

idiot 2: what if i get recognised,
idiot1: so you get recognised by your p*ssy now????? I'm not asking for a face jus your p*ssy dammit!!!!!!(insert loads of shouting)

Idiot 1 demands his pic back, which i resend, but then phones to say how does he know i deleted it from my phone, and that I have probably forwarded it to my friends and sh*t, he hurls some more abuse, (i hurl my own abuse) then he says he doesn't want to speak to me again and slams the phone down. (Idiot 2 has just lost a friend.)

WHY, HOW two adults over the age of 26 could absolutely engage in such foolishness I don't know but all i know is........... Hi my name is Ms DM and I'm an utter numpty.

Almost Doesn't Count ..........

This past weekend, I almost got laid..........

BUT

Almost Doesn't Count, Right?????

well in this instance

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the END.

or is this........................

the beginning...............

Why I should join Alcoholics R Us ............

I have done so many things these past two weeks that I ought not to, that its a miracle that the good Lord has not struck me with lightening in disgust (and no this is not a laughing out loud matter either) anyway this Cinderella lost her glass slipper but the not so careful Prince Charming in his haste to run after her, tripped, fell and broke the damn slipper (unfortunately the fairy godmother forgot to give our Cindy an instruction manual on what happens in such a situation and until she does.....)well thats a story for another day. As promised I have posted the results of my alcaholic anon quiz. But i was still quite drunk when i took it so my answers are probably seriously flawed.

Rules
This simple quiz may help you answer the question, “Am I an alcoholic?” Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer.

Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised with liver disease?
No. definitely not. You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or when the hangover hurts so bad you call in sick for work and it's made you so stupid you use "something escaped at the zoo so I had to help catch it" as an excuse again.

3.Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?
Definitely not!!!!!!!!!!! But I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch. (No)

4. At your neighbourhood bar: Do they know you by the name on your licence/fake ID, know your usual drink and who to call when you pass out?
I don't have a 'usual' drink, the usual changes according to the time of the month (in relation to pay day), how broke I am or who is paying so the answer is NO.

5. You generally hang out with drinkers you met at a pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores or have bartenders and waitresses as your friends?
Okay this is stupid who at 26 'still hangs out'? I socialise, I 'entertain' and I have a tete a tate's but i do not hang out, that's for teenagers. So NO

6.Given a choice you would rather never ever drink water mixed with worms than a drink containing more than 40% alcohol?
Actually I would rather drink the worm infested water provided the worms are germs and they are actually invisible to the naked eye, or better still I would rather drink the worm infested water mixed with 40% alcohol so NO I do not choose the alcohol over the worms I would rather have both.

9. You've learned to act sober even when you are gone with the wind
no when I'm gone with the wind (drunk) I act like I'm gone with the wind. trying to act sober requires too much effort which i could really put towards getting even wasted so the answer again is no.

7. You are comfortable sitting alone and drinking whether at home or the pub especially when you are really depressed ?
No. I never drink alone because I'm too stingy to buy my own round, and technically in a pub you can never drink alone, coz there will be other drinkers even though they are not sat at your table. So NO

8. You drink all week and take a day off to recuperate
No i never drink all week but i can drink in one day what one is supposed to drink in a week (i drink a week's alcohol allowance in a day then take the whole week to recuperate but that was not the question was it , so NO

10. Can you drive better drunk than you can sober ?
Well I have never entered a do you drive better drunk or sober contest to check my driving skills so I could not accurately answer this question. However I have never had an accident driving sober or drunk so using simple logic this would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are similar so NO.

11.Every morning you wake up with a curiosity of the night before and a headache
No not every morning, who wakes up with a headache every morning? surely you would have gone to see your GP ages ago or be registered disabled by now and besides I wake up not wanting to remember the previous night instead of being curious about it so the answer is NO.

12. You drink whenever you can but will occasionally decide that a sober night with your honey might be cool ?
This question is irrelevant because I do not have a 'honey' (yuck ). so i would have to answer NO

14. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons none of which include drinking. In actual fact drinking makes my home life actually seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (PS: what do you mean home life though?, if you live alone with your three cats does that still constitute a home life?)

15. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
NO for that to happen I would need to have a reputation in the first instance. I was born without a reputation or have completely tarnished it into non existence, So the answer is NO

16. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?
NO I really wish people would mind their own business ALL the time and not just in relation to my drinking. in fact I wouldnt mind them being all up in my drinking bizz if that meant they would stay out of my other work/home/lifestyle/and work related bizzness. So the answer is NO.

17. Do you sometimes “skip” breakfast or lunch so that you’ll have more money to spend on drinks?
NO I earn enough to be able to have breakfast and lunch and then go out for drinks too so the answer is NO

18. In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you’ve gotten overexcited?
They concede my points because my points make sense, and I'm convincing, besides until I have the stamina of Mike Tyson I would never be confident enough to try and attempt to 'deal with' people so the answer is NO.

19. You are always drunk and can no longer handle your drink?
NO I can definitely handle my drink. To illustrate this point more clearly last night I had --- bottles of Asti and my sober aunt told me this morning "you didn't seem drunk at ALL." So the answer is NO.

20. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
I always get drunk on purpose. so again NO.

21.Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
Please refer to question 17, but in case you need further clarification, No i was already in financial difficulties way before I started drinking. Also when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of getting into financial difficulties I am wise enough to put away my wallet and blag rounds of friends or stupid male losers who actually think i will end up going home with them that night. So the answer is NO.

22. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
LOL I wish I could answer yes to this one coz it would be funny if my friends who happen to be my drinking companions read this. But what do you mean lower companions? is this like people poorer than me? in less well to do jobs? or is it a politically correct term to refer to prostitutes? The answer is still no, I am definitely open and adventurous when it comes to sexing and willing to try anything (well almost) but I'm yet to visit a gigolo (maybe I'm jus stingy and have been managing to get sex for free so far so why start paying?) so again NO.

23.Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
No I would never put my friends and family through risks they are not willing to take. If I'm going to drive with my toes when drunk, or if its at 145miles an hour I will ask if they are willing to be in the car and will carry out a thorough risk assessment before hand (i.e ask if they are wearing their seat belts) so the answer is no. However I have nearly burnt the house down once but the family were away on vacation hence it doesn't count as their welfare was not present for me to be careless about. So NO.

24.Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If everyday at exactly 12:34pm you craved a drink that would be pretty weird wouldn't it? I have occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 12pm sometimes at 8pm sometimes at 3am and sometimes at 7:30am. I'm yet to crave a drink everyday at the same time so the answer is NO.

25.Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No actually drinking makes me sleep better. I go out on a Friday night and sleep the whole weekend through from Saturday to Monday morning just recuperating coz i will be feeling like shyt so NO i do not have difficulty sleeping after i drink.

26. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
I do not understand this question but will endeavour our to answer it as well as I can. I have never been energy efficient,I don't recycle and I always dry my clothes in the drier so no my energy efficiency has not decreased. If you mean efficiency at work you best asking my manager but in imho(in my honest opinion) I have never been efficient at my work, the only thing that stops me being fired is my lecherous boss. So the answer is NO

27. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Now this is just ridiculous how would i know I have had a complete memory loss if i had a complete memory loss? seriously ARE YOU DRUNK????? But just for the record I have had a partial memory loss like forgot where my house was but get the street right so NO i have never experienced complete memory loss.

28. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
No never, I have never had an illness called 'drinking' is that similar to the flu? So again NO.

29. You are definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?
Definitely not. If anything I'm more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities and will carry on as before, so NO.

30. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
What do you mean institution? Is this college or university or you mean like mental institution? Well I got news for you, if its the latter they would have to catch me first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been in a hospital but not because I was drinking. I have been in a hospital because someone who was drinking whacked a glass bottle over my friend and i was the unfortunate b**st*rd who had gone out with her and there was no one else in the vicinity so i couldn't leave her bleeding self lying on the damn concrete could I? So yes I have been in a hospital on account of drinking but just not my own. Yes

Scoreboards *
If you have 0- 1 it is relatively safe for u to be heading towards the drinks cabinet,
2-3 watch that drink buddy and joining the gym to get rid of that beer belly/gut/love handles/stretchmarks wont hurt!!
4-5 You are most likely to be an alcoholic, if this diagnosis is inaccurate you were probably one in your previous life.
6 -10 yes and above, please join your nearest AA meeting immediately.
10 and above, i would have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as inciting someone to commit suicide which is a federal offence and I'm unwilling to go to prison on your account. Enough said.

My Score
Hippee 1 yes and 29 NO's. so its confirmed, contrary to what my mum, pastor, doctor and everyone else who knows me thinks, I Miss DM am definitely NOT an alcoholic!!!!! this calls for a celebration anyone care to join me at the pub to celebrate??? the first 80 rounds are on me. LOL

* the questions are real but the scoreboard is not. I would have wished you all happy new year but you've probably been wished that so many times that its beginning to do your head in.....so please just have a drink on my behalf coz im planning to spend the rest of the year stone cold sober.