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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Free Noodles, Skinny B*tches & Money Induced Orgasms

I nearly had a multiple orgasm whilst standing in line to get free noodles and rice crackers at the newly opened Shimla Pink (Chinese restaurant) just down my street. No i wasn't having sex with some random stranger in the queue jus to pass the time, it was because I Miss Definitely Maybe saw my very first Bugatti Veyron in the flesh, I mean on the road kind of in the flesh and not in some swanky showroom, car show or front pages of Motoring Today. I swear my knees buckled, my stomach did funny little flips and i felt waves of pleasure, that was my first money induced orgasm there and then.

I have never been aggressive when it comes to man hunting, but i nearly whipped off my panties, pushed up my boobs and swore under my breath 'n*gga if you so much as look my way I'm soooooooo gonna do you tonight'......and I was gonna...do him..... like my life depended on it. I haven't been laid in a loooong time and what better way to bring my sexy back than at the back seat of an £800 000 motor f*cking a man who is probably worth 100 times the cost of the said motor. I mean I ain't no gold digga (if my dating record is anything to go by) in fact I love my broke brothers but hey 1998 Honda Accord versus 2007 Bugatti Veyron that's definitely a no brain-er, never mind that said owner of both Bugatti and restaurant was a 40 something, probably midlife crisis undergoing, pot belled dude(he looked like he was hiding more noodles under his sweater than they were giving free at the counter)......I was still going to do him.

So there i was standing in queue, revising my game plan, no longer salivating at the prospect of free noodles and prawn crackers but the chance to tattoo my bottom on those heated leather seats, having hot steamy sex against some classical music background (rich people listen to such nonsense right???), when some skinny bitch appears out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong I have nothing but respect for them skinny bitches, I mean anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect. I used to think my game was tight, I mean I'm a healthy UK size 10/12 (emphasis on healthy) who has tried all fad diets under the sun to become a slightly skeletal more defined cheekbones and slightly protruding ribcage size 8 and failed miserably so you can understand what i mean when I say i have nothing but respect for those size zero skinny bitches.

Anyway so said skinny bitch walks right up to the door spends 3 or 6 minutes chit chatting with pot belled dude, about the restaurant/free noodles (as if she has ever in her 30 or so years passed a calorie of carbohydrates between those size zero lips of hers), then said skinny bitch brazenly asks to see the motor and before you could say 'hot steamy sex with size zero skinny bitch' pot belled dude was giving his stack of promotional leaflets and instructions to lock up to a probably Honda 1997 driving minion and leading said skinny bitch to the front passenger heated leather seats, and zooming off into the sunset with classical music probably playing in the background. Okay it was 2pm on a cold and frosty afternoon so that sunset was probably a figment of my imagination but damn those skinny bitches sure got game, and she didn't have to whip off her panties, suck in her stomach or push up her boobs, that's why I have nothing but respect for those size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches.

59 comments:

Shubby Doo said...

Just claiming my position

miz-cynic said...

why u dey biff the chic...aftall if u also gat game and found ur way inside the orgasmic car she 2 woulda been like wtf. its a dog eat dog world out thr.lol

Shubby Doo said...

Loo...see babanla chancing...sister girl for a bugatti veyron I would have snapped her like a twig...no messing...there is an advantage to the fact we're size 10/12...we've got more weight behind us when we get into a fight...

I so understand the feeling sha...that car is a thing of sheer beauty...the way it moves, its shape, its sound...just the right mix of beauty and the beast...never had a chance to handle one...but I would happily swap my man for a month to at least test drive it...truly orgasmic

flabby said...

damn!!

I almost feel your pain!

Just...Toluwa said...

LMAO...u crack me up! but on the real tho, sumtimes i hate skinny gurls!

Temite said...

lmao Laughing my fat (size 10/12) black ass off men. Sorry dear, you should have thrown her skinny ass unto the road men. Although I dont actually know what the car looks like. I am about to go check it out. LMAO

K said...

Ha! That skinny girl...shei no morals..lol see how when its her I claim no morals...if Miss MDM had managed to get in that car I would talking about how you are the Queen B because it aint hustling if your homies are doing it!

Funms-the rebirth said...

i would have had an orgasm right there men......... a real life bugatti Veyron..... for real????????? gosh i could die to see that. thats my best car in the world esp when hermés decided to customize some too........
wait, y were u queueing for free noodles again? lol......
so skinny girl gets d man and the car and the sex in the car.......gosh, i hate skinny girls too but yep! nothing but respect for them

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Miss DM,
All I have to say is:
You def need to get you some!!!!

Solomon said...

Maybe next time!

bumight said...

I'm off to investigate the cause of this kata kata ....google pls!

~Sirius~ said...

LOL! @ Miz-Cynic.....totally feeling her and Miss Kookie....You should have accidentally done something to her.....

About that weight thing, 'nuff respect to them zero girls.
I can't.
Luckily my 10 body is so much of an amoeba, it takes shape nicely in most size 8 clothes- except for a few boob malfunctions (LOL).my skinny friends hate me for that...

Who cares!

In my head and around me said...

Lol! at this: I mean anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect.

She may eat like a horse and be incapable of gaining any weight. C'est possible. I am going to google the car. I have to go and google: Bugatti Veyron so that I can understand where you are coming from.

In my head and around me said...

oops, said google twice.

In my head and around me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ShonaVixen said...

Number what???No this is so not on...mccccheeewww...lemme go n sulk whilst i watch the snow from indoors..making the most of this 'snowed in day'!!!And I will comment when I feel better coz my lil feelings were hurt..NUMBER 16!!!

clnmike said...

LMAO!!

rethots said...

Hmmm, size 0. I could give you a natural manual to achieve that and much more.....

Saved Girl said...

LOVE this post! LOL of my morning, thx.

Nefertiti said...

LMAO @ 'n*gga if you so much as look my way I'm soooooooo gonna do you tonight'......and I was gonna...do him..... like my life depended on it

Gurl, u sure needs to git some... I hate shinny heifers too.

mike said...

erotica. bugatti is £850, 000!!! but not all that glitters is gold.

Jarrai said...

hahahahah..very funny, forget that evian drinking chick..they miss out on all the good yummy delish food!!

By the way i hope u got my invite. Happy snow day xx

Buttercup said...

dang...sorry!!!! look on the bright side, maybe, just maybe he was taking her ass away to do some ritual ish so as to get more money to buy more bugattis..lol!

po said...

Love this post, you are hilarious, are you a writer?

Riding off into a frosty afternoon just doesn't quite cut it, does it?

ibiluv said...

lol at that's why I have nothing but respect for those size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches.

Lolia said...

lol so I hope you know some people are just naturally skinny...I'm not one of them but I'm just saying :)

Afrobabe said...

lmao...see beef..

but Mennn one just has to hate those skinny bitches...not fair at all...how the heck do they resist that cheesecake??

hmmm free noodles and crackers?? cool...

Tigeress said...

lol@ skinny bitches.

My dear, nothing wrong with being a size 10/12. Most African men like thicker women- with the ass and tits.

Ovay West said...

lmao at "size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches"... hilarious!!!
i haven't given up hope yet. i am presently on the master cleanse. have you tried it?

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Hilarious! I love the way you paint the whole picture through your stories.

poeticallytinted said...

LMAO!

You SAW a real life Bugatti Veyron? I only see those on TopGear and in mags :(
I USED to be one of them effortlessly skinny girls. Emphasis on "USED to be". Now I am a UK 10 and everyone says look how you've filled out nicely but I still long for my skinny days. Yeah whatever.

Tigeress said...

btw, left a comment for u on my last blog. white picket fence.....

Third World Profashional said...

aight y'all need to stop hating on skinny people, not everyone starves herself. i eat like food is going out of fashion but i've been a stubborn size 6 my whole adult life. the weird thing being i weigh about 150 pounds, but i guess the weight distribution is due to the fact that i'm 6ft tall.

i'm soo jealous of fuller figured women and wish i could just gain some lbs, but i doubt thats ever going to happen.

Judy D. said...

we definitely rule! skinny bitch power! lol

bArOquE said...

i nearly 'pissed' in my pant reading this post...of course i had to google Bugatti Veyron...damn those evian drinking, lettuce chewing, skinny bitches

Jaguda said...

size zero got game oooooooo

Jinta said...

what the heck. i am 40+, working on my noodled gut, get distracted a lot by size 0's (only God knows why since, alas, no Bugatti Veyron). time to remortagge some properties, pull some 419's, rob a bank, or something

mizchif said...

And her i was thinking i was the only one hating on them skinny b**ches, who make 1 hr on the treadmill look like a pleasant stroll, while i'm panting before i do 20 mins!

Afronuts said...

LMAO!!

*chuckles*

Girl! I smell Beef all ova the place. Haba, kilode?
I could just imagine u totally loosing it and going nuts over all that.
And this was a funny statement:
"anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect."

In fact, I hereby certify you 'Nuts beyond comprehension'

LMAO!...WTH?

Sikirat said...

guess what?I AM IN LOVE WITH UR BLOGGGGGGGG WOW U A GREAT WRITTER LOL I LOVE YA STYLE:)



sweetest Mrs FineGurl Agbero

Smaragd said...

dayum! i totally understand the reason for ur multiple orgasms babe, totally!

lmao @ evian drinking, lettuce eating, oxygen wtv skinny bitches! that was good.

Smaragd said...

i just read the other comments, okay peeps, enuf hating the skinny bitches, why do i suddenly feel like i should go add weight?lmao!

dont worry, i'm not a zero, but not a 10 either..

doll said...

LMAO@ Money orgasm

Buttercup said...

come out, come out, wherever u r!!!!

eFJay said...

If its any consolation (if this guy lives in the UK and is like most of the residents in this country) chances are he got that car on credit!!! He is probably not worth that much... Frankly there is not more unsexy than debt if u ask me!

It's been a while, hw've u been?

Ef babe

K said...

Eh eh eh....mdm...bring your ass here and update ...in fact you better have juicy v day gist....not feeling your silence

Bombchell said...

HA HA HA HA HA i love u!!!

lol get outta here, serious!!!!! he showed her the ride.

girl i woulda felt the same exact way if i saw one. and if the man was single, heaven help me lol.

wordmerchant said...

hey

i have come out or hiding but have changed url and name, swing by when u can

Jarrai-gambian girl

Olamild said...

hmmmmmmmmm
after reading this
I'm left with no comments

I saw that book at barnes n nobles
and wondered where the world was heading

Nefertiti said...

Ms DM, come out come out wherever you are.

rethots said...

....oughtn't you have updated?

Padosh said...

now THATS the kinda game i need.....,!!!! Damn if na naija i for say babe use baba powder!!!

Muse said...

see why i don't have a problem being a guy? all i need to do is have dough, and shaza! my bulging tummy ain't no problem no mo'.

muhahahaha!

funms said...

Funms misses miss DM

~Sirius~ said...

Knock Knock.....
Anybody home?..
MDM....
You ok?....
A one liner would help.


Love,
Curious Sirius.

Kitten said...

I wear size 0-3. I've been passed over many times for women with curves who knows how to work it.

Very funny post.

scribble,me.free said...

love it! blogrolled!

sugar banana said...

skinny bitches hate you too :)

and some of us eat whatever we want, we just find chocolate nauseating

yankeenaijababe said...

Thanks for always stopping by my blog...u are a good write and ur stories are hilarious. I love this story