The Rottweiler ate my Valentine................

So... I have been AWOL for nearly a month now, not that any of you noticed.......... bloody traitors!!!!! You would have thought that by now, all of you would have carried out a fine tooth comb search of all the major mortuaries, intensive care units and ER departments........ Not that you would have found me, but you might have caught a glimpse of my 'supposed to have been' Valentine with half of his muscular, toned, sexy thigh ripped out, and a drip hanging out of his incredibly sexy 'kiss me again and again' absolutely sinful lips.

That's because the idiot had the bad sense to choose to get his leg mauled by a Rottweiler on Valentines day......how absolutely selfish and inconsiderate, One would have thought a true gentleman would have wined and dined her royal highness Miss DM, presented her with a box heaving with carats from Tiffany's then escorted her home in the Lamborghini and only there after would a true gentleman have chosen to give a hungry Rottweiler a mouthful of thigh to feast on. You wouldn't blame me for thinking the idiot did that on purpose, some men will do anything to get out of showing a lady some much deserved romance and affection, even if it means forcing open the mouth of some poor Rottweiler and manually clamping its resistant fangs round a meaty thigh.

Men are soooooo capable of such underhand dealing. I remember this hot shot doctor at my sister's hospital, promised to wine her and dine her at some fancy upmarket restaurant on a non occasion(this was the point she should have been suspicious, men don't even do occasions) The dude pulls out all stops, orders celebratory champagne even though there was nothing to celebrate, and just as the £235 bill gets slapped on the table, dude takes a spoonful of dessert, starts choking, eyes rolling, his whole life flashing before his very eyes, had to be taken to hospital in some ambulance, but not before the mean waiter made my sister pay the bill by visa, some people have no compassion, you would think in light of the medical emergency, the stupid restaurant would have let the celebratory champagne, oysters and caviar slide on the house, but no they had to have a payment, apparently dude had a peanut allergy and didn't know the dessert contained nuts (that's despite the clear warning on the menu next to the ice cream which read 'may contain nut traces'), I can bet a million dollars (I'm yet to win on the Lotto) that the selfish so and so did that on purpose, probably decided he would rather take his chances with his maker than fork out £235 on a dinner without the remote possibility of getting 'some' later that night........ Okay maybe that wasn't on purpose but you do get my drift.

So I spent the remainder of Valentines Day alone at home, after spending the entire afternoon at the Trauma Unit (don't know who was more traumatised the Rottweiler or my idiotic Valentine. I asked the ward nurse if when he had come in,he had a tiny blue box in his possession, but she looked at me with a blank stare, which made me realise that not only had I been over ambitious in my gift expectations but that the poor b*tch had never heard of Tiffany's and its limitless extortionately priced possibilities....apparently neither had my so called Valentine....he had the additional bad taste of buying me a card post Valentines asking me 'to be his valentine', a card????!!!!!!!! Had i known I would not have trekked to the hospital in sub zero temperatures to see his ass.what did he mean by 'be my valentine'? The fact that I was expecting something more weighty and pricey from Tiffany's should have already clued him to the fact that i was already regarding myself as his valentine. Cards are for funerals, or funerals or multi funerals, for everything else there is MasterCard, or Visa or American Express. I ain't no gold digger but surely anything which costs less than a Starbucks latte does not constitute a gift....which is why next year I will have a Valentines Registry like they do for weddings...As for my supposed Valentine, I wish the Rottweiler had not ripped out his muscular, toned and incredibly sexy thigh but swallowed his card buying self WHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!