The Best Porn is live Porn........

*long post alert* Me and Erica are no longer friends, In fact to be grammatically precise Erica and I are no longer friends and if you ask me it was completely her fault lol. It was a very good idea at first, as good as any idea formulated after 4 bottles of wine and several vodka shots can be. It was very generous of me as her best friend to offer practical support, for what good is emotional support in a financial crisis, being there for someone doesnt pay the rent? Well it was a different sort of practical support, actually it was medical support slash free porn slash whatever. As you all know I have done quite a lot of idiotic stuff in the past if this post http://my-mothers-child.blogspot.com/2009/01/lights-camera-penis-idiots.html is anything to go by and this is one of those incidents i like to pretend never happened lol.

I remember the day so well, Erica and I were having a serious heart to heart (bad mistake since we were already under the influence of 36 units of alcohol between us which. It was her fault for starting the conversation. She said her new boyfriend makes freakish downright strange noises during sex which sound alien and totally freaked her out. I asked her what she meant and she tried to imitate them but she has always been a bad actress. So being under the influence of 36 units of alcohol she said 'wait a minute I have a brilliant idea, next time we are at it why don't you come and watch?' Not being sure what she meant I asked how this supposedly brilliant idea might be accomplished. Well she said, you know how i like having sex in the dark? I replied 'ah-ah' 'Well' she went on 'let me call him to come over and I will leave the door slightly open and you can listen in and give your honest opinion' I nodded eagerly too drunk for words at this point to use common sense. The more bizarre the idea got the more interested I became. I mean I'm not a pervert or a freak or a sexual deviant, I was really really really really concerned about my best friends sexual well being, if she thought she was 'doing' an undercover alien, it was my job as the supposed best friend to allay her fears or confirm them..right???? after all friends are supposed to be there for each other in sickness and alien sex....right??? (y'all know I'm right).

One hour later he was on his way to her place, she made me creep into the dark wardrobe leaving the door slightly ajar so that i couldn't miss any of the star wars sound effects lol. I think i waited an uncomfortable hour or two for the show to begin, wedged between winter coats that had seen better days and enough smelly shoes to open an up market charity shop, it was the most uncomfortable squatting position ever (it beat squatting in a pit latrine in the village during one of those parent enforced trips where you were forced to go to the village and play the dutiful town grand daughter once a year during a public holiday lol) but what can i say I'm a good and loyal friend lol so i dutifully sat in the wardrobe numb with cramp in my left leg, fervently praying that after this ordeal was over my leg wouldn't have to be amputated due to circulation cut off. fast forward 10 mins later.She over performed coz she knew I was there, he in turn under performed because he didn't know they had an audience. From the thumps,bumps and window rattling moves coming from the bed i knew i was in for a show to rival any porn version of the Oscar winning musical Chicago.

Twenty seconds later the noises began, ssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii tiiiiiiiiiii eeeeeeeeee eeeh eeeh eeeh mayweeeeeeeeee mayweeeeeeeeeee yuwiiiiiiiiiiiiii yuwiiiiiiiiiii, siiiiiiiiiiiiii I thought WTF is that a mobile phone ringtone? Then I realised hell no the sounds were coming from the bed, maybe the dude was trying to recite the alphabet, fcuk this was worse than a star wars sound track, the kind of moise that would make you run for you life if you were walking past a cemetery in the middle of the night (serves you right though if you actually walk past a cemetery in the middle of the night lol). Seriously fro the eh eh eh's emanating from the bed at one point i thought Erica with her 18 stone body frame was trying to send the dude to an early death, he sounded like he was gasping for air, choking in pain not in pleasure, before I could put on my spider woman cloak and attempt a rescue op from the wardrobe lol a muted 'dont stop' re-assured me that he delighted in that sort of thing (what ever it is she was doing lol). After a few more yuwiiiiiiii's and eeehhhhhhs and the final curtain call I realised I had a new dilemma....... how the fcuk was i going to exit the wardrobe if he was planning to stay the night?

My supposedly best friend had forgotten all about me getting increasingly uncomfortable in the damn wardrobe, i realised that the trip to the ER to get my leg amputated was fast becoming a reality. I tried to shift and change position but that's quite hard to do when you are sharing closet space with smelly shoes, a dozen coats and several boxes of God knows what. It didn't help that the alcohol was wearing off and i really felt like i wanted to be sick. I debated what was worse vomiting in her 20 odd pairs of smelly designer shoes or making an exit from my hiding space and having to do a lot of explaining. I didnt have to wonder for long, that decision was completely taken away from me. I'm not sure what exactly took place, if I was still friends with Erica perhaps she would have clarified the correct version of events. I remember something brushing against my neck, it might have been a coat belt,or a spider or one of the numerous scarfs in that wardrobe, but my intoxicated mind immediately thought black widow spider and i let out a blood curdling scream and tumbled out of the wardrobe.I think I heard someone from the bed shouting ' who the fuck is that but i couldn't be sure. All i knew was a spider was trying to eat me alive and i had to get out of there pronto plus i didnt want to wait around to make any explanation to Mr alien sounds, how could i even begin to explain? so i bolted and i left Erica to sing a few notes of Usher's 'this is my confession. ' on our behalf.

what happened after that I never really found out,like i said Erica and I are no longer friends. She called me a couple of nights after that begging that i call her boyfriend (who she was now referring to as the love of her life man of her dreams slash soul mate, the girl had amnesia it was less than 72 hours ago when he had been Mr alien sounding dude from star wars and she was getting ready to dump him but like i said the girl had amnesia.) anyway she demanded that a)I call her boyfriend and b) state that it was all my fault i had planned the whole thing and c)that she didnt know i had been holed up in the wardrobe. Now i can and WILL do a lot of sh*t for a friend, lend a 100 quid here and there, babysit you when you are sick etc but I'm not one to take a bullet for someone else, I flatly refused reminding her that a) it had not been all my fault and b) I had not planned it and c) she damn well knew i had been holed up in that closet. Erica hurled a lot of abuse and i hurled my own abuse. when the phone was slammed down it was then i knew that Erica and I were no longer friends. Its been 8 years now and I have done a lot of growing up since then but I wonder sometimes what happened to them or more importantly what happened to her for we went back a long way almost sisters, I live in constant fear of mama finding out the real reason we are no longer friends, I guess the worst porn is live porn if you are hiding in someones closet to watch it.