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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Best Porn is live Porn........

*long post alert* Me and Erica are no longer friends, In fact to be grammatically precise Erica and I are no longer friends and if you ask me it was completely her fault lol. It was a very good idea at first, as good as any idea formulated after 4 bottles of wine and several vodka shots can be. It was very generous of me as her best friend to offer practical support, for what good is emotional support in a financial crisis, being there for someone doesnt pay the rent? Well it was a different sort of practical support, actually it was medical support slash free porn slash whatever. As you all know I have done quite a lot of idiotic stuff in the past if this post http://my-mothers-child.blogspot.com/2009/01/lights-camera-penis-idiots.html is anything to go by and this is one of those incidents i like to pretend never happened lol.

I remember the day so well, Erica and I were having a serious heart to heart (bad mistake since we were already under the influence of 36 units of alcohol between us which. It was her fault for starting the conversation. She said her new boyfriend makes freakish downright strange noises during sex which sound alien and totally freaked her out. I asked her what she meant and she tried to imitate them but she has always been a bad actress. So being under the influence of 36 units of alcohol she said 'wait a minute I have a brilliant idea, next time we are at it why don't you come and watch?' Not being sure what she meant I asked how this supposedly brilliant idea might be accomplished. Well she said, you know how i like having sex in the dark? I replied 'ah-ah' 'Well' she went on 'let me call him to come over and I will leave the door slightly open and you can listen in and give your honest opinion' I nodded eagerly too drunk for words at this point to use common sense. The more bizarre the idea got the more interested I became. I mean I'm not a pervert or a freak or a sexual deviant, I was really really really really concerned about my best friends sexual well being, if she thought she was 'doing' an undercover alien, it was my job as the supposed best friend to allay her fears or confirm them..right???? after all friends are supposed to be there for each other in sickness and alien sex....right??? (y'all know I'm right).

One hour later he was on his way to her place, she made me creep into the dark wardrobe leaving the door slightly ajar so that i couldn't miss any of the star wars sound effects lol. I think i waited an uncomfortable hour or two for the show to begin, wedged between winter coats that had seen better days and enough smelly shoes to open an up market charity shop, it was the most uncomfortable squatting position ever (it beat squatting in a pit latrine in the village during one of those parent enforced trips where you were forced to go to the village and play the dutiful town grand daughter once a year during a public holiday lol) but what can i say I'm a good and loyal friend lol so i dutifully sat in the wardrobe numb with cramp in my left leg, fervently praying that after this ordeal was over my leg wouldn't have to be amputated due to circulation cut off. fast forward 10 mins later.She over performed coz she knew I was there, he in turn under performed because he didn't know they had an audience. From the thumps,bumps and window rattling moves coming from the bed i knew i was in for a show to rival any porn version of the Oscar winning musical Chicago.

Twenty seconds later the noises began, ssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii tiiiiiiiiiii eeeeeeeeee eeeh eeeh eeeh mayweeeeeeeeee mayweeeeeeeeeee yuwiiiiiiiiiiiiii yuwiiiiiiiiiii, siiiiiiiiiiiiii I thought WTF is that a mobile phone ringtone? Then I realised hell no the sounds were coming from the bed, maybe the dude was trying to recite the alphabet, fcuk this was worse than a star wars sound track, the kind of moise that would make you run for you life if you were walking past a cemetery in the middle of the night (serves you right though if you actually walk past a cemetery in the middle of the night lol). Seriously fro the eh eh eh's emanating from the bed at one point i thought Erica with her 18 stone body frame was trying to send the dude to an early death, he sounded like he was gasping for air, choking in pain not in pleasure, before I could put on my spider woman cloak and attempt a rescue op from the wardrobe lol a muted 'dont stop' re-assured me that he delighted in that sort of thing (what ever it is she was doing lol). After a few more yuwiiiiiiii's and eeehhhhhhs and the final curtain call I realised I had a new dilemma....... how the fcuk was i going to exit the wardrobe if he was planning to stay the night?

My supposedly best friend had forgotten all about me getting increasingly uncomfortable in the damn wardrobe, i realised that the trip to the ER to get my leg amputated was fast becoming a reality. I tried to shift and change position but that's quite hard to do when you are sharing closet space with smelly shoes, a dozen coats and several boxes of God knows what. It didn't help that the alcohol was wearing off and i really felt like i wanted to be sick. I debated what was worse vomiting in her 20 odd pairs of smelly designer shoes or making an exit from my hiding space and having to do a lot of explaining. I didnt have to wonder for long, that decision was completely taken away from me. I'm not sure what exactly took place, if I was still friends with Erica perhaps she would have clarified the correct version of events. I remember something brushing against my neck, it might have been a coat belt,or a spider or one of the numerous scarfs in that wardrobe, but my intoxicated mind immediately thought black widow spider and i let out a blood curdling scream and tumbled out of the wardrobe.I think I heard someone from the bed shouting ' who the fuck is that but i couldn't be sure. All i knew was a spider was trying to eat me alive and i had to get out of there pronto plus i didnt want to wait around to make any explanation to Mr alien sounds, how could i even begin to explain? so i bolted and i left Erica to sing a few notes of Usher's 'this is my confession. ' on our behalf.

what happened after that I never really found out,like i said Erica and I are no longer friends. She called me a couple of nights after that begging that i call her boyfriend (who she was now referring to as the love of her life man of her dreams slash soul mate, the girl had amnesia it was less than 72 hours ago when he had been Mr alien sounding dude from star wars and she was getting ready to dump him but like i said the girl had amnesia.) anyway she demanded that a)I call her boyfriend and b) state that it was all my fault i had planned the whole thing and c)that she didnt know i had been holed up in the wardrobe. Now i can and WILL do a lot of sh*t for a friend, lend a 100 quid here and there, babysit you when you are sick etc but I'm not one to take a bullet for someone else, I flatly refused reminding her that a) it had not been all my fault and b) I had not planned it and c) she damn well knew i had been holed up in that closet. Erica hurled a lot of abuse and i hurled my own abuse. when the phone was slammed down it was then i knew that Erica and I were no longer friends. Its been 8 years now and I have done a lot of growing up since then but I wonder sometimes what happened to them or more importantly what happened to her for we went back a long way almost sisters, I live in constant fear of mama finding out the real reason we are no longer friends, I guess the worst porn is live porn if you are hiding in someones closet to watch it.

158 comments:

ShonaVixen said...

lol!!! FIRST?!?

ShonaVixen said...

Yebo yes I'm
Girl thanks for cracking me up!!!LOL!!Well those noises if boyfi was Zimbabwean he was calling for his mama(maiweeeee), and felt a bit of pain/pleasure (yuwiiiiii)LOL!!if he wasnt gurrrrl those noises are straight strange/weird

Ms.O said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! That was a very funny post! Ver starange noises indeed! sucks that you guys couldnt work it out tho.I missed you!!

leggy said...

lol. first time here. this made me laugh a whole lot!!lol

Simply Tiffany said...

lol this post was so funny! and u are a good friend to do that!!! Love the blog

Myne said...

That was mad funny. Are you serious you guys never got back? LOL...

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shona, yeah you first, girl do you ever get any work done???? lol now why would someone be calling for his mama during sex, thats even more freakish

Ms O, missed you guys too its been ages I need to blog more regularly

Leggy, thanks for checking my spot out, dont be a stranger

Simply Tiffany, THANK YOU coz i know i make an excellent friend lol

Anya Posh said...

omg...u r soooo silly! why the heck would you agree to that rubbish?! omg the alcohol was definitely in control that night...what are gurl!

po said...

Shiiiiit that is hilarious, too funny to even be true, my god, truth is definitely stranger than fiction!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Myne, maybe one of these days i will have the courage to look her up.....but then again maybe not its all water under the closet lol

Anya, like they say in NIgerean movies...it was the devil lol

Po, that was once upon a time now im a decent law abiding citizen who even pays for her tv licence lol

(vixenchick) said...

oh shit! lol at the noises!

~Sirius~ said...

LMAO~!!!!!!!
WTF!!!!

Thought about you this morning, and Boom! you had put up a post.

How's your Mama *wink*

Oh no!!

I guess it was the alcohol, what!!! can't get my head around this.............LOL, LMAO!!

And what's up with the noises, seriously???

LOL!
I'm so cracked up right now.

Anonymous said...

lol.... black spider messed things up it seems... err.. perhaps you should sign up for an encore..

Blogoratti said...

Hilarious story i tell ya..

Afrobabe said...

lmao...infact hahhahahahhahahahahaha

OMG you are a trip...and still write as good as I remember..Makes me feel like I witnessed everything..

Those funny noises are enough to freak anyone out..

But yes, you should have taken the rap for her...come up with a good story, like you had been drinking and cant remember crawling into the closet...

Unknown said...

first time here, nice place to be.
nice post too

clnmike said...

Lol, that was funny but also a silly reason to end a friendship.

Rebirth said...

Girl.......... i saw ur comment on my blog and i had to do a double take....... ive missed uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. where have u been? uve missed a loty o. yup, im back in lagos!
lmao @ ur post..... wow! hehehehehehehe

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, who will tell mama?

Beulah! said...

Hehehhee...i couldnt help laffing out loud. What a show!!!Chai, pele.

Thnks for checking up on me babes, im ok.

Original Mgbeke said...

OMG, I absolutely fell about laughing at this one. You are still quite the trip I see. LMAO
But wait o, e be like say dem no born the girl well, see the kain bullet wey she wan make you take for am sef. Yeyerism.

Apinke said...

LNGKMD!
see wetin alcohol do u?! ehn? if ur mama hear dis one she go flog u die. serves u right, no be u wan watch show!

long time girl, u always make me laugh

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Sirius, misssed you too Im so busy these days that i rarely have time to blog, funny how i blog more often when im sad or going through a rough patch

akaBagucci, next time you are at it,invite me to watch and i will gladly set up shop in your closet

Blogoratti, its more of an idiotic story i would think

Afrobabe, hell no!!! each man for himself......

Debbieozono, Thanks for stopping by

Clnmike, She was the one who decided to end our friendship, she didnt deserve me.

funms, girl invite me to Lagos its been so long.

rethots, dont you even dare????

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Beulah, lol i will do anything for a friend even watch free porn lol

Original Mgbeke, it was a long time ago, im now much much more mature he he he he

Omotee, its been ages im glad to be back.

Tendayi said...

the madness! @Shona that is most def Shona.maiwe? i think i even know the dude hehe. should have recorded. Find your friend if u can...bet u'll find it hilarious..I do hehe.

ManCee said...

Girl...you need help.
I'm laughing my bollocks off here man. (serves me right reading this in the office)
Men, you fellas were positively demented.
lol
Still trying to stiffle my laughter from sounding like a star wars score...

Rayo said...

rotflmao. babe, u got me crackin up in d office. Damn, dis was sooooooo funny. lol. u sef, anywayz lets blame it on d alcohol. lol

Rayo said...

rotflmao. babe, u got me crackin up in d office. Damn, dis was sooooooo funny. lol. u sef, anywayz lets blame it on d alcohol. lol

LucidLilith said...

This is by far the funniest post I have read on blogville in a really long time. You should write a script and sell it to a movie studio. Erica should have fessed up and apologized and said the alcohol made you and her do it. Jeez....this is too hilarious.

Tigeress said...

LWKMD!! Im sorry but this is tooooo hilarious to be true. I cant stop laughing. See why i'm very ani-alcohol?

Queen of My Castle said...

So I assume we will blame it on the alcohol a la Jamie Foxx, right? LOL.

I honestly can't believe she asked you to tell him that this was all your idea, though.

ibiluv said...

hheheheheheheheheheheh

u crack me up

u could have lied for her.....you were drunk....and must have crawled in there.......

the best kinda porn isn't live porn-live porn is disgusting....*wink*

Spesh said...

Thanks for the long post alert....lol!
But it was so worth it!

exschoolnerd said...

lol @ the label *two idiots*... okay u guys are crazy shaaa..u sef why did u agree to such... this post reminds me of a status i put on fb a while back... i asked what if u were having sex and ur partner was bleating like a goat....thanks for making me lmao o!!!

JoaR said...

Haha!!! This is so classic...I absolutely did not mind the fact that it was a long post. Love it!

Parakeet said...

Mis DM is this for real. Mehn I doff my hat for you o.

But wait o, how could you guys let a good friendship end over stuff like that? Am I not living in the real work or what?

mizchif said...

OH Lord!!! How did i not read this earlier.

Girl you have kilt me wth laff.
But hats off to you my dear, cuz u is currraaaaaaazzzzyyyyyy!!!

But the babe is not serious, wanting you to take the fall for her after masterminding the whole 'stakeout'
Lets hope mum never hears this story.

mizchif said...

Infact, on second thought, your friend has to apologise for not considering you and cramped extremities, she shd have created a distraction for u to leave the closet.

You should sue.

Timlou_x said...

OMG!!! I have laughed so hard NEVER!!! I cried! I actually cried! This is beyond hilarious...wow... I'm SO becoming a disciple! Lol!

lulu said...

i dint think i would laugh this hard either, my goodness! you are hilarious!

Sleek said...

and i thought i had stories...wow!love how u started the story at the end...8 years? crazy thing to lose a good friend over..but life can be a bitch

Anonymous said...

Happy New year

Writefreak said...

Happy new year Miss DM, hope you're good!

Chris Ogunlowo said...

oh oh, for real? lol

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hey you ! happy new year! hoping all is well

Reader said...

lol this was so funny thank u for sharing. its unfortunate e friendship ended

Unknown said...

Just so you know I was here.


Seems I am not alone in this disappearing act.

Hope all is well?

Anonymous said...

That is the funniest story!! You have a gift

Xoxorobia said...

threerific...I enjoy watching and participating as a third party....lolz

bArOquE said...

but seriously though, i think you should have gone with the story, afterall you were the one who blew your own cover...she WAS your friend...anyway, i guess it doesn matter anymore

so seriously, have you abandoned blogsville for good???

Xoxorobia said...

let the freaks come out

Rayo said...

where did u go? come back!

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~Sirius~ said...

It's been One Solid Year.......

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doll (retired blogger) said...

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Anonymous said...

Sorry followers. My mothers child sadly passed away on 28/1/10. No mo post. I come bck to read time & time again to cheer myself up. Wish I d told he'd hw funny & witty her posts wer.R.I.P mi dear. Luv u always!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry followers. My mothers child sadly passed away on 28/1/10. No mo post. I come bck to read time & time again to cheer myself up. Wish I d told he'd hw funny & witty her posts wer.R.I.P mi dear. Luv u always!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry followers. My mothers child sadly passed away on 28/1/10. No mo post. I come bck to read time & time again to cheer myself up. Wish I d told he'd hw funny & witty her posts wer.R.I.P mi dear. Luv u always!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry followers. My mothers child sadly passed away on 28/1/10. No mo post. I come bck to read time & time again to cheer myself up. Wish I d told he'd hw funny & witty her posts wer.R.I.P mi dear. Luv u always!!

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doll (retired blogger) said...

really @ anonymous that is so sad. what killed her? RIP

Geebee said...

Wao! MDM dead? i sincerely don't wanna believe that. Anonymous, show yourself!

People, THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES is back. Catch up on the latest episodes.

Perkins said...

Mis DM is this for real. Mehn I doff my hat for you o. But wait o, how could you guys let a good friendship end over stuff like that? Am I not living in the real work or what?

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ah anon are you sure? what killed her? it cant be true abeg

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