'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Monday, August 11, 2008

No more Drama

Okay I wasn't going to post until next week, but i just had to. First things first, YT hacked into my hotmail, discovered my blog (which I didn't want him to do coz this blog was .... is my personal space...where I could just let it all out and just heal), he read everything well he hadn't read the Four paged Letter but when I discovered he had read everything else I realised he might as well know how i felt so I read it out aloud to him on the phone. I feel violated, firstly coz he pried into my hotmail account but most importantly he violated my private blog (I know it is not private coz any one can come across it on the net and all but I did not want him to read at this time. With time, when I could read this blog and laugh about being young and foolish I would have sent him a link, but i haven't lived long enough yet.

When he told me that he had accessed my emails I was devastated, I thought this guy really wants to hurt me......he will not stop until i am a crumpled mess on the floor...why cant he let me be...give me enough room to breathe? I told him how I felt about what he had him the four paged letter, He said sorry but thats like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Besides he is only saying that because there is nothing else to say...he cant exactly go yes I wanted to hurt you now can he?

Funny enough even though I'm supposed to be mad at him for invading and violating my space, I'm not. I feel really free now, that I have said my bit. Now he knows how I felt even if he might not care he knows.....and for me that's enough. I thought about deleting this blog when he said he 'knew about it' and was reading it...then I thought no, this is my space, no body is going to take it away from me, Im tired of running, always be the one 'to give people space, always be the one to run, but this time I'm staying put, I enjoy writing, blogsville is a fantastic community helping me re discover myself and I'm not going to stop for him, he never 'stopped' for me. Im still going to write what I feel and how I feel, if he wants to read it or interpret it whichever way thats his choice.

I have now finally got closure. No more drama. Im not saying there wont be times when I dont feel so good, but im saying im no longer caught in a time warp coz he now knows. I feel like I can finally close the door. I no longer have questions that need answers, I now have answers. I no longer have doubts about the woman I am....I am a whole woman just that YT was not strong enough to embrace/handle the woman that I am and thats a weakness on his part not mine. YT is no longer the guy who is making me hurt inside, he is now just a link in a chain of x boyfriends........and if we ever happen to meet YT (you and me together) I know I can and will be able to confidently say 'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'

"We both have different lives now
We've gone our separate ways
and although we are both contented
we had some happy days
although those days are over
just something in the past
those happy days gave me memories
that cant just help but last
they'll always bring me happiness
now and my whole life through
It was a special and lively chapter in my life
those days I spent with you.'

ps thanks blogs-ville for your support when I felt like ranting and raving but now that chapter is over and done with I probably will have nothing to blog about lol


ShonaVixen said...

am i FIRST???

hey girl, i totally feel you on being violated by him accessing your blog!If any1 were to do that to me wiv out my permission..chai!
But good thing is you read him the 4-page letter, he knows now and most importantly you got CLOSURE!!and thats great! As u said, you can now walk away, and with a spring in ur step i guess!Yup, you might feel down sometimes but you're only human. I'm just glad you got that closure hon! And better things are yet to come. Stay blessed!xoxo

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shona I did get closure. I said everything I wanted to, and he then wrote an email stating where he is coming from. Not that it has excused his behaviour in my eyes, but I just understand the whole situation better. I didnt realise until I had spoken to him (and let it all out) that anger is not a positive emotion at all especially if you dont release it (doh). What was making me be in a horrible space inside myself was not because i still love him but that I had all this pent up fury and I didn not know what to do with it....hmmmmmm I feel so different its amazing, now its on to blogging about rubbish coz YT is a closed chapter

ShonaVixen said...

well since the search continues now, you can blog away about that!!LOL..

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

hey a girl gotta grieve(i.e leave a decent amount of time between relationships so that her character is not put into disrepute lol (the things us women have to endure!!)...but if Blair Underwood was to stroll past.......
okay rephrase... When Blair Underwood strolls past....(yeah its called having positive thinking Shona and its definitely not being delusional lol

Shubby Doo said...

It seems like that 4 page letter was meant to be read afterall!!!

you see this is the reason why my hotmail and google accounts are not linked in any way. the name on my google account is shubby doo and it has none of my real friends as my contacts.

sigh i hope the fallout wasn't bad and wtf is he doing hacking into your's over...he let you down? why try and cause mayhem with curiosity?! Does he not know it killed the cat!!!

Aphrodite said...

Some peeps can't just respect other's privacy. Too bad...

It's brave of you to keep the blog babes.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

@Shubby your real friends???? and we are......???? Hmmm I wonder what the rest of blogsville will think about that one.(lol am jus tripping I know what you mean.)Funny huh he was saying "I jus wanted to know what yiou were up to..couldnt stay away jus wanted to be part of your life somehow..." Im thinking dude you had the chance to be my life and u passed it up, hacking into my email is stalking my life not being part of it....maybe dude needs closure, maybe he needs to pen a four paged letter of his own geez.. (lol)

Aphrodite- its nothing to do with bravery, besides what can I say that can obviously shock him..dude's seen me naked lol

Shubby Doo said...

@miss d maybe - Maybe you have a point… as in the recent case of oluwadee…‘friends show their love in times of trouble...’ Euripides

But even so, no matter what I write, nobody in blogville knows me as a whole so how can they be real friends?!

Blogging is a mere aspect of self so I have to echo the words of Frank Crane, a friend is ‘… someone with whom you dare to be yourself’… I will simply add ‘completely’ to his sentence.

I choose to stand by my earlier statement ;-)

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shubby I agree was just pulling your leg.....but I dont completely agree with the Frank Cane defi coz my friendships/relationships have all sorts of different dimensions and with all of them there are particular aspects of my life I wouldnt necessarily share with one, but share with another etc. But I would consider them all true friends in whichever context our friendships are based.

doll said...

First time here. I guess I have to go and read to fully understand. But am glad uv gotten closure

doll said... the whole blog. ur ex hacked into ur system?? ell, change ur passord, then change ur blog address. he wont be able to find it that way.

But really i hope u'v gotten closure and can really move on, all this hurting, pain, anguish and pain wont allow you move on with ur life and believe me you really need to move on, how else will you meet that flesh of your own flesh, bone of ur bone, ur own prince charming that will tret u like the queen you are

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Doll, Im flattered that you actually read the whole make it all worthwhile, thank you.

I have now got closure and looking forward to the future

Mz. Dee said...

Gurl i suggest u change ur blog addy and username. Let him hv no contact to ur blog. i wuda been bloody pissed if i were u.. but ure probably a hundred times better at handling things dan me.
first time here... gtg blogroll ya.

Buttercup said...

oh wow, why did he have to do that???

i dunno his story but i guess as i read on, i'll find out...

its good that u've moved on n gotten closure..

rethots said...

How do you do it?
"'Look thats my x boyfriend' and not 'Look that's the man who hurt me.'"