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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Who Ate All the weight loss Pills Pies .........

Siren blazing, lights flashing, travelling at an almost suicidal speed, the car swerved from lane to lane, onto on coming traffic, past red traffic lights, zig zagging into the bus lanes and down one way streets, you would be forgiven for mistaking this as a scene from the latest Bond/Bourne movie, but it wasn't, if it had been a movie scene it would have been aptly titled 'Ms DM's almost fatal attempt to be a size zero'.... and it was...almost fatal...when I was admitted into the emergency department temperature at 38, my circus qualifying abnormally big head almost twice its normal abnormal size, breathing through non invasive ventilation, my life, actually to be exact my last 397 sex free days flashed through my mind and I had only one regret on my death bed, 'I should have fc*ked Johnny from upstairs brains out when I had the chance.'

At that very moment even though I felt I was dying, I would have given up the last three, four or seven hours I had left to live to have Johnny my tea bag borrowing upstairs neighbour appear in that A&E assessment ward and give me a mind blowing orgasmic send off into the 'other side'/ pearly gates. seriously as I lay nearly dying from dodgy weight loss pills bought off eBay all i could think about was 'God just one last chance to have sex' (in case you are wondering in my 26years I have already spent an average of 45 Sabbaths a year praying for my salvation so it would be have been only fair to spend the remaining few hours of my life focusing solely on sexual gratification lol).

After being humiliated and cheated out of a chance to bag 'the most eligible, noodle serving, pot bellied, Bugatti driving, sugar daddy on the block' by the Skinny-Bitch I vowed to join the size zero skinny bitches brigade, come doughnuts, lattes, cheese laden pastas, rich chocolate desserts, hail or sunshine. First research pit stop was the gastric bypass, (feel free to judge me all the heck you want lol) I am one for efficiency (working in billable hours does that sort of thing to you) I figured one better way to propel myself to Bugatti sugar daddy snatching size zero than getting my intestines nipped and tucked in Harley street? Besides, the fact that it was only two days after payday meant that the bank manager would happily give me the green light. But i found out the hard way that forget the disabled, gender inequalities, ethnic minority racial discrimination,bias against lesbians/bisexuals etc the world totally discriminates against those of us unfortunate enough not to be too thin and not too curvy either. Apparently no self respecting intestine nipping and tucking surgeon will touch anyone with a body fat mass index of less than 22, their excuse being its dangerous à la Kanye West mum's style hence totally unethical.

Undeterred I turned to the diet pills market, this was the point that the grim rippers clock must have started tick toking in my direction Final Destination style lol. In my defence the gym membership was not helping much, after religiously going to the gym four times a week and huffing and puffing nearly spitting my liver out on the treadmill, i was horrified to learn that i had gained 3lbs. the personal trainer had the nerve to try and spin a web of lies about muscle mass being heavier than fat blah dee blah n*gga purlizzzzzzzz that motivational sh*t don't wash on me, I mean its not as if I'm already spotting a six pack (yeah LLCoolJ always has me at Hello). Now my gym ought to be sued, whats with the sabotaging, situating the fitness suite right next to the drive through McDonald's and LaTasca(Italian restaurant), as I'm huffing and puffing on the treadmill the smell of freshly cooked pasta carbonara and big macs wafts through the room, plus you get discount vouchers for both restaurants as part of your gym membership WTF?????? You burn 400 calories on the treadmill and then afterwards pass through LaTasca and devour 1200 calories disguised as Pasta Carbonara (add 450 more calories if you have chocolate fudge cake as dessert), its a no brain-er so personal training so and so should cut the crap about muscle mass being heavier than fat, unless the other name for muscle mass is pasta carbonara lol.

So you know who your true enemies are when you ask a 'friend' to recommend certain diet pills that can fast forward you to skinnybitchness and she directs you to an Internet site. She swore the sh*t came highly recommended, was 100% legit and even endorsed by celebrities (yeah should have asked which ones, OJ Simpson???). Son or rather more aptly daughter of a b*tch nearly sent me to an early grave, without giving me the opportunity to get my brains sh*gged senseless by tea bag borrowing Johnny from down the stairs. I parted with nearly £183 for the sh*t (hey in my defense I'm sure that when i had successfully bagged Bugatti Veyron sugar daddy he would have spent x1000 that amount on 'keeping me happy' lol). The sh*t (sorry there is no politer word to describe the death pills that nearly killed me) even came with a guarantee that if you didn't loose 7lbs in the first week you would get your money back (conveniently the corresponding address was a P. Box number, now don't quote me on this but i need to recheck Vera's P.O Box number, girl could be the one who tried to grim reaper my ass lol). To cut a long story short, I took the first three tablets and in less than two hours my head had swelled up to twice its normal size, my heart was beating off the Richter scale of heartbeats, my whole body had a sinister looking purplish rash and i was badly swollen as if i had been rihanned by a team of 12 Chris Browns, I couldn't breathe my airways were closing up, in short that sh*t was killing me, thus i found myself on the way to the emergency department in an ambulance, wishing to God I had shagged tea bag borrowing Johnny from upstairs when I had the chance.

8 days later I'm now back home, recovering ( as if you could ever recover from such an ordeal) thanks Tigeress for checking up on me whilst I was in hospital, as for the rest of you Judas Iscariot's who never checked up on me, I hope you choke on a batch of the diet sh*t that nearly killed me. Seriously never ever buy pills off the Internet, I learnt my lesson the death bed way.........but thanks to eight days of horrible hospital 'food' (slimy mashed potatoes and mince meat which had a suspicious sardine like odour) I'm now firmly on my way to earning my Skinny Bitch club platinum pass lol so forget sh*gging Johnny from upstairs coz Bugatti Driving, noodle serving, pot belled Sugar Daddy here I come!!!!!!.

90 comments:

Buttercup said...

1ssssssst!

Buttercup said...

OMG I've never been 1st here! I must have done somn right today.. :D

Scarlet said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
my stupid internet failed me!
I guess i'm second :(

Buttercup said...

Oh wow..I'm sorry you went through that hon..seriously, is it possible to sue the murdering company??

It's a wonder how your thoughts at the time were about shagging tea-bag-borrowing-Johnny!

Thank God you're ok o...and btw, I DID check on you!

Parakeet said...

Gees is this for real? OMG I hope you better now and thanks Tigress for checking up on our girl o.

I read about these things but who knew it could happen to someone I know. Pele o

Scarlet said...

Thank God you are alrite

exschoolnerd said...

pele dear!!! nice to know u r out of the hospital!!! Thank God!

sorry u had to go through all that!!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Wow, I'm so happy your safe and sound. Dont EVER try that foolishness ever again in your life, do you hear me?!

I know I am every bit as weight obsessed as you are but the answer on pills is a hell no! I tried that mess for like a week and after nearly fainting I called it a wrap! My cousin was on some pills to and started bleeding and what not. I bled too. Please don't ever mess with pills. Especially not pills on Ebay or those Chinese things.

Take it from someone who went from a size 16/18 to a size 4/6 (and has kept it that way for over 2 years)-DONT EVER DO PILLS!

Glad your okay!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Buttercup, apparently the pills are 'legal' but i just reacted to something in them. Did not even bother trying to 'get my money back' I learnt my lesson.

Parakeet, I had the biggest scare of my life, I will never ever buy any pills non prescription, that sh*t can kill you, no use being a size zero in the grave.

Scarlet, Im just glad to be alive.

ExSchoolnerd, The funny thing was my mum called me when I was in hospital and the first thing she said was 'I am glad you are alive becuase I want to come over there and finish you off' (and think had she been around she would have walloped me in that hospital lol)

Tigeress said...

hey sweety, glad u're back. most especially glad that u're feeling better. will come back and read. :)

Burracup- aren't u meant to be sleeping?!!!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

NigereanDramaQueen, girl I hear you loud and clear, that mess nearly killed me. I will NEVER EVER EVER do non prescription pills again!!!!!!!! But losing weight via going to the gym is pretty slow going :-(

Saved Girl said...

OMG, glad to hear you are OK....geez.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

The slow weight loss is the kind that stays off! If you need to accelerate the process, from time to time you could do cleanses, detoxes and fruit/ juice/ veggie/ soup fasts.

But exercise and healthy eating are still the most important factors for healthy and long lasting weight loss.

You could increase the number of times you do cardio a week too.


Trust me-I must be a skinny biatch too! But I don't wanna be skinny in a coffin case!! I'm glad you learned your lesson sha!

Ms. Butta-fly said...

Glad you okay dear. Didnt you get my flowers?? I sent them by mental energy.

Next time forget pills and jog that ass....what am i talking about??? I hate jogging.

bumight said...

lol. there's definitely no use being a size zero in the grave.
i have never tried weight loss pills, now i know NOT to try it.

so all u could think of was shagging tea bag borrowing johnny! lmao! if only johnny knew this...

K said...

Heh MDM for the sake of a blog story you want to nearly die? *shakes head* No boo boo No! Let me tell you about these other pills now...lol...I kid I kid..

I am so glad you are ok because that experience does not sound cute. I hope someone came to check up on you physically....good on Tigeress for the virtual checking up of MDM...

po said...

Shit woman, forget size zero, that size is ridiculous anyway.

mizchif said...

And just yesterday i found myself thinking..."where is MDM?" So i'm not a Judas abeg.

Anywhoos, thank God u were not snatched away by the grim reaper. Now u know that u shd just stick with the gym, tho i don't trust any gym that has LaTasca on one side and Mickey Dee's on the other!

At least now you can testify to the danger of these so called diet pills, and who knows ur testimony may even help save a life!

So on ur death bed, what u were thinking was an opportunity to shag abi????

mizchif said...

NDQ, did i just see 4rm a size 16/18- 4/6??????
Please pray tell, how did that come about? Cuz ordinary one dress size is like almost impossible to drop 4 me!

african weight loss diva said...

Lol. Wow. You took a risk. I personally dont believe naija girls should be size zeros, kpele. thank God nothing happened to you. I think you should stick to diet and exercise. First time here

JustDB said...

LOL @ I would have given up the last three, four or seven hours I had left to live to have Johnny my tea bag borrowing upstairs neighbour appear in that A&E assessment ward and give me a mind blowing orgasmic send off into the 'other side'/ pearly gates.

Are you serious???/ Anyways, no point trying to keep up with the ultra trim under 22 BMI peeps... Guess u've found what works best for you and you're sticking with it!

Ms.O said...

What!!!! That was not funny!!! Glad your OK now babe, I am saying no to all pills, no matter how highly recommended they come.

wordmerchant said...

oh my days!!!! mdm, that is some scary shit...i am so glad you are ok.

Ha! to think i was actually contemplating those magic pills...gosh!

Just relieved your're ok.

Funms-the rebirth said...

Miss DM, uve been on my mind a lot but ive been so busy i forgot to come check up on u....... sorry dearie.....im glad ur better. now better go do johnny so u dont have regrets again....lol........
how ve u been darling? have a fab weekend....xx

flabby said...

wow!!
i just came from the emergency room after sitting by my best friends bedside for 8 hours to come and read this one?
kai!
xo

ps- i missed u tre much
pps- purple-not a gud look
ppps-xcept ur thinking purple tights

Mista Jaycee said...

What??? You tried to leave me?
Glad you are alright! NOW DON'T DO IT AGAIN! NEXT TIME YOU GET THE URGE TO DIE, Ask me then I WILL say HECK EFFIN NAW!
Glad you are feeling better.
Try Yoga.
Mista Jaycee

Sexkitten said...

Wow. Sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you're okay.

Tigeress said...

WTH!!! This is some scary shii. The only thing i can think off is that it was the fake pills? OMD!!!
Thank God you're alive and kicking! imagine if it had gone down the other way- we wld have been wondering where u were and eventually forgotten. It makes me wonder if death might have taken any of our so called fallen bloggers. I pray not.

as for me checking up on u- NP. Glad i did. And knowing Burracup- i'm sure she too checked up on- she's a sweety like that.

So how did u feel with ur life flashing before ur eyes? Se pe all u cld think off was Johnny? Do u see life differently now? Gonna shag more? Become a nun? Travel the world? What difference has it made? Do tell! :):):)

Tigeress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mocha said...

**falls out of her chair laughing** that was tooooooooooooooooo funny!!

oops! i meant: i'm so sorry you had to go through that *trying for sombre expression but FAILING miserably*
glad you're all better tho.
those diet pills are all SHITE honestly.
don't know of even ONE that works!

"in case you are wondering in my 26years I have already spent an average of 45 Sabbaths a year praying for my salvation so it would be have been only fair to spend the remaining few hours of my life focusing solely on sexual gratification.."

That cracked me THE HELL UP!!

Great post :)

Just...Toluwa said...

damn gurl...dnt kill u for us o!

bt seriously i av seriously contemplated buying one of those pills...i keep gaining 1/2 a pund every damn week..and it sucks!

PS...my trainer gave me dt stuff abt lean body crap weighing more than fat..how does dt help me? stoopeed! am tryna make someone jealous here! crap!

Vimbai said...

Chick, you went into anaphylactic shock...what the freaking heck were in those pills! Glad to hear that you are back on earth and that Johnny wepa-Upstairs will have another shot with you :-)

As for the weight loss issue, come and have my life, since moving jobs and countries i've lost 8kgs without even trying! I want those kg's back, i've lost my va-va-vim effect.

Afrobabe said...

darn....but in the end you lost weight so that must have been the idea all along...

sorry dear, I had an experience...mine came with fat boils all over my body after taking the tabs fr 2 days....but I haven;t given up, herd there is one hitting the counters this april.....

but please what's the name of the one you used so we dont fall victims...

Afrobabe said...

And ermmm, you think you would have crossed the pearly gates after that hot sex??? I tink you would have been passing a red coloured extremly hot gate!!!

Jayla. said...

sorry about the ordeal but its funny as hell.

Size zero is ridiculous, am a UK 6/8 and i envy curvy chicks with ass & tittiess

aloted said...

ah pele o...pls take it easy o...on top loosing weight...abeg o...abeg una... pls

good to know u r better now

blogoratti said...

Woa!!
Most important thing is that you survived all that drama. Be cool*

ShonaVixen said...

Hey girl!!!
Phewwwwww, you and Johnny can be at it when you go and get your teabags...
Glad you're better and i did think of you boo xxxxx

LusciousRon said...

Pele O! You survived so you can get it on with Johnny. Sorry o hope you are feeling much better. Have a restful weekend. Don't do anything naughty. *wink*

CultureCynic said...

WOW!!! OMFG!!.....eh yah sorry o, glad u r feeling better sha...the internet will be the death of us...we stay getting had!!!! but am glad to hear that you r feeling much better...be well!

Confessions of a London gal said...

What??!! Does that mean those pills i bought of Ebay as well could F me up?! :-)

Wat kinda bloody pills are those trying to kill our one and only Miss DM?!

We need names gurl, actually, just gimme the PO box address, I know people that know people that know people that know mafias and they WILL be dealt with! Just leave it with me! lol

But seriously, you better now? and come back and gist us about Jonny the tea bag borrower....

juiceegal said...

First time here........sorry 2 hear about ur story..but i'm glad u came out alive...nd besides u lost sum weight rite??..lol

Shubby Doo said...

R u for real...chai! U don't do things by halves o! Next time try acai berry or whatever else oprah recommends. That way if goes so wrong that its news worthy she'll fly u out to america for free to go on her show.

I want to say pele but now you r one of those skinny types I'm just jealous...I want that bikini body bad for my holidays europe and america in May...dare I ask u what was the name of the website was!!! LOL

P.s
I was once skinny...diet was almost a swear word to me. I remember I once flushed my friends diet pills down the toilet in school...but mehn now I think I would happily swallow them with her...*sighs*

Pp.s
I knew that johnny t-bag would enter your thoughts one day...hehehe...but thought u said never to a good session with him when I brought it up...shebi now u see what delirium can cause...my advice is stay off the drugs!!! ;-P

kay-shawn said...

So sorry about your mis-adventure to become a SKIB (Skinny-bitch). Believe me sistuh, I know a diet programme that works. Its no pills or anything. Its also the cheapest diet programme in the UK now.

~Sirius~ said...

WHAAAAAAAAAAT! Girl that's craaaaaaazy! .....*ok I've attempted stuff like that before but they were herbal- didn't work either. Ended up at a gym. And 3 months later I was a big headed uk 8 from a 14, yep! 5 yrs on back to a 10 I think I'll be needing Beyonce's Maple strategy OR if you are willing to try anything else- he he he, and it works holla at your girl, say for instance ACAI- that's what it's called right? PS: I'm glad things didn't really get out of hand. AND I DID CHECK ON YOU!

~Sirius~ said...

I knew I forgot somnethging: SUE THEM!!!! Unless of course the stated those side effects. STILL HARASS THEM ANYWAYS!!!!

rethots said...

Hmmm, who almost did that to you? *thinkingly consulting* what should we do to the culprits.

"...at 38, my circus..." really? Always thot you sounded 21 thereabout.

My World said...

Glad your better now..
1st tym here,love your blog...

naijagirl said...

awww, I'm sorry to hear about yur experience. I am sure you have learned a lesson here too. sorry hon, hope you feel better

BSNC said...

lol that was funny, i know i shoildn't be laughing, but thank God you are okay now :)

Buttercup said...

and now u've gone quiet again....hope u r ok?????

Lolia said...

My dear dear Miss DM,
So I just saw the comment you left on my blog a couple of days ago....I'm sorry :((
I really thought that I had given you my new url...I was even wondering why you hadn't come around. At least you have it now right? Anyway for good measure it's

http://theartofrememory.blogspot.com/

Buttercup is right, you've gone quiet again...I hope you're alright...

But good to know you're better now ref. your post :)

Hope you're having a wonderful week sweetie!

xx

Bombchell said...

LMFAO omg u lost me at shoulda bonked Johnny upstairs. lmao u so crazy. going back to finish reading

Bombchell said...

woah just finished reading it all. ok girl u psycho its official!!!!

lol u below 22bmi and u trying to dissapear?? lol leave buggatti alone, and talk to ferrari or aston.

lulu said...

okay i am so sorry about what happened are you sure they were not expired? then again did you have to go on and write it out so funny, i ve been laughing like a banshee reading this, although i am totally sorry, so good God gave you a second chance at shagging *wink wink*

Dammy said...

Is this for real???


Please be careful next time. We don't want to lose you!

Hope you are better now?

Smaragd said...

eeya, Miss DM, sorry i'm just showing up to sympathise, bad internet. pele gan, glad to know u are not just fine but slim! lol, now u can be my friend without thinking i'm a skinny b**** ryt? *wink*

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Smaragd, LMAO!!!! girl all you Skinny Bees aint got sh*t on me lol.

Phentremine said...

With so many diet pills saturating the market today, trying to find the best and most effective diet pill can be very tedious. Chances are, we may end up choosing the wrong diet pill. Phentremine is a natural apetite suppressant and if you are the one who cannot control your cravings for food, then it is just the right medicine for you! http://www.phentermine-effects.com

flabby said...

wow- is this prolonged absence the result of the not so celibate lifestyle?

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