'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sleepless in Seattle.............

Okay so it wasn't Seattle, and definitely not involving Meg Ryan, far from it, I am to Meg Ryan as the third division is to the premiership: unmentionable in the same sentence totally taboo. Having said that who buys a season ticket to third division matches? That's like asking for a PlayStation 3 for your birthday and getting a PlayStation 1, not quite the same thing, is it?
Tonight Definitely Maybe and Meg Ryan discover they have something in common, only unlike Meg I do not have the backup plan of a dishy radio DJ in the form of Tom Hanks to lull me to sleep. The hours roll by 0012...then 0210 ....0224..then 0313 I start to lose count, I give up clock watching, get up, plod down the stairs (I say plod because my body fat mass ratio does not allow me to do anything else.) to raid the fridge, but there is nothing....wait I tell I lie, there was a big tub of butter and shrivelled remains of what looks like spring onions or is it green beans? on closer inspection it looks and smells like left over leeks. I close the door and plod back upstairs again. Shrivelled remains...reminds me of my broken shrivelled heart. Everything i see is an acronym of my life, a young lady without an umbrella getting soaked in the rain, a candle snuffed out by a big gust of wind, broken glass in the car park remnant of a car theft the previous evening, a cat wandering the streets way past midnight...its probably lost its way home and wondering if its owner will come searching or simply switch off the lights and go to his bed..even the world without words is depicting my life. 97,96,95.....83.....54... I try to count sheep, I reach 23 and give up its 0630 nearly time to wake up. I sit and stare at the cloudless sky, I want answers but all I get is rain. Rain falling on my window sill and its not even October, rain falling in my heart yet outside the world continues to sleep whilst I weep. Is it a curse of the troubled mind that it can not sleep...It knows no rest. Its not that I miss YT(there we go again), I still do but tonight its about much more than that. I feel robbed, I feel cheated...I run out of words..but my heart weeps the story whose words I cant utter. I long for my eyes to close, welcome the bliss and solitude that is sleep... for in the comfort of my dreams I can take refuge from this my life if only for an hour or two until the alarm clock rings. I give up plod back downstairs......I switch on the TV and turn on the lights....... the movie begins...Meg takes to the stage.....tonight just for one night we have something in common.....for tonight jus like Meg Ryan I'm sleepless in Seattle..........


Shubby Doo said...

you'll be ok...the sleepless night took me a yr with an ex. i don't wish that for you but maybe YT isn't the one.

you're 26...there is still so much to see and do...just concentrate on healing and loving yourself right now. you'll attract that which you r...u'll see;-)

ShonaVixen said...

Hey hon!!I totally agree with Shubby, that healing urself is the way to go and appreciating the wonderful woman you are!U'll do just fine xoxo

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

A song by Amanda Wilkinson, called its okay to cry....(dont really care for the tune but like the lyrics)

Somewhere along the way we're taught to keep it all together,
We mask the pain we feel inside, to make everyone else feel better,
You wrap your arms around yourself and bury all your sorrow,
You can't hide from your emotions baby, they'll still be here tomorrow,
If your heart won't let it flow,
I want you to know,

It's okay to cry (Everybody's gotta hurt sometime)
Let those tear drops fly (Don't even try to dry your eyes)
Don't keep it all inside (In the mornin' it'll be alright)
It's okay to cry

First you gotta fall apart to pick up all the pieces,
If you don't learn to let it go,
the pain inside increases,
It takes more strength to hold it in then to give in and surrender,
why's the first thing that we learn,
the last thing we remember?
Baby, tears don't make you weak, If I could only make you see,