'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Monday, October 13, 2008

How NOT to Beak Up........................

The last two weeks have been really quite hectic, plenty of gist and very little time.I start the new job tomorrow, ecstatic better pay, better job, better conditions in a much nicer town, what more could a girl wish for? Went to see my new workmates last week Wednesday....the jury is still out but they seemed like a pretty decent bunch
I finally went on a much needed holiday break with my sisters and my cousins and (cue drum rolls.......)i met a boy!!!!! (trust me though there was nothing boyish about him,pure undiluted heart stopping eye candy of a man, straight off the front cover of vogue/fitness today but before you get the popcorn out,nothing x rated happened but my heart still does treble flips every time i think about him lol. ( will blog about it when I get time)

I finally moved home, well moved towns and the whole experience has been amazing (save for the extortionate amount i paid the removal company etc but its good to be back close to family. ) Its also given me a plausible excuse to redecorate (well technically you cant call decorating a new house (re)decorating but I've gone all out on the painting and furnishings, my bedroom is straight out of sex and the city grand designs (will try and upload a photo.)But it seems such a shame for such a sensual erotic room to go to waste (well i have been abstaining since February) perhaps its time to break the fast lol, speaking of which temptation has been flying in from left right and centre, actually temptation is too strong a word, there have been offers to blow my mind, send me to the tenth heaven, give me the night of my dreams etc etc but am so not interested. Speaking of not being interested what's up with guys and 'wanting you back?' well actually i will leave it for my next post (well the one after the one about my 'holiday romance' without the romance lol).

About a month ago ~Sirius~ wrote a post about guys and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally I think its 'okay' for someone to leave a relationship, after all the pledge 'till death do us part' is only made at the point of marriage so at any point before that anybody whether male or female should be allowed to reconsider their options/what they are looking for coz relationships are all about searching for something and in any search you follow a few blind leads.HOWEVER (and its a big however) what I am not okay with is the manner in which most guys choose to leave. Looking at the break up experiences of friends etc these are some of the categories i came up with.....

like a thief in the night
you talked to him the previous night, he promised to pass by the next day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day , or the next or the weekend he doesn't turn up, you try and call him his phone goes unanswered, you call his friends they are all being evasive, he doesn't call he doesn't pass by, explanation, no goodbye doesn't even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address, its as if he has been wiped out from the face of the earth alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel for an emergency. sometimes he will resurface with a stupid but plausible (if u drunk) explanation ..sometimes you will accidentally meet six months later at the neighbourhood club and he will try and give you a cock and bull story about how he went thru a difficult time blah blah blah and he can explain.....allow him to explain and he wont be able to, sometimes he will resurface on face book but then sometimes you never hear from him again.

like the second coming of Christ
This is different from the first. This one doesn't disappear from the face of the earth but the break up is out of the blues, totally unexpected catches you unawares. You think you have a good thing going, you are even making plans to marry him thinking he is the one and all. He appears committed to the relationship, everything is going fine, your friends love him, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about spent valentines day together, buys you a big ass present for your birthday all your friends envy you.............until one day out of the blues he says his sorry his not feeling the relationship anymore, he wants space, wants out, needs time to clear his head, he doesn't know what he wants. In your head you are thing WTF since when have you been feeling this way? was it not yesterday you were calling me your future wife? But the guy is not joking he is serious and just like that it is over, no one can believe you, you cant believe it either, hell you did not see this coming, you thought you were happy together dammit!!!!!!

don't shoot the messenger
This one is pretty humiliating, the dude has no guts to tell you its over, or he is not feeling you anymore so he sends his best friend or your best friend to either 'hint' that he is no longer interested or for them to tell you straight up that it is over. Sometimes his best friend will tell you crap like 'I really like you as a sister so i just thought i should give you some brotherly advise Olu is not serious i think you deserve better he is not ready to settle down, trust me i know I am his friend and it hurts me that he treats you like that' Such a long speech and you think this guy is looking out for you when in actual fact he is looking out for his friend who wants to dump you but doesn't have the courage to say it to your face so he sends a messenger.

The telephone game
I don't know if any of you remember the telephone game.....the one where you all stand in line and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person ......the message is passed down the line until the last person has to repeat what they were told out loud. Imagine you are the last person standing in the queue (enough said). You know the kind of break up where you are the last to know........where everyone else is aware he is no longer interested or that he is already chatting up some other girl or he is already dating some other chicca or he is actually marrying someone else etc. This too is humiliating, you get mad at your friends for not telling you.......but their excuse is 'we thought you knew'.

Big Brother Style
(Davina McCall shouting in large microphone)....................this is big brother you are being evicted!!!!!!! okay i guess this one is self explanatory. Your break up is loud and messy. He just doesn't break up with you, he wants the whole world to know every intricate detail. He is not only content with breaking up with you, he wants to humiliate you as well, hell he would even put a notice in the Sunday Times if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody who is willing to listen what happened between the two of you, your private life is laid bare, he will even share juicy bits of your love life, go on and on about how lousy you are in bed etc etc. You want to crawl into a corner and die, the whole neighborhood now knows your business, the whole church knows you slept together on the first date.......he will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together, you just want to crawl into your bed and hide, you are sick of the calls from friends asking 'is it true'

The fake gentleman
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but he is too much of a coward ( or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to breakup with you)so he does things to make you break up with him instead so that you eventually end the relationship (successfully passing the buck for the relationship ending on to you when that's what he wanted all along.)

Sex and the city style
remember when Carrie got dumped via a post it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and the doorman notified her that it was over? there are so many different variations of this (email, text message, instant messenger) but all of them equally cowardly and totally selfish.

With a bang
self explanatory, he shags you then dumps you (enough said).

Hurricane Katrina
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams, leaves you devastated, destroys you,your whole being, your self esteem everything. shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable, some of it will be costly /expensive and will take time to repair. You are a broken woman, he leaves you feeling like you have lost everything, everything you ever worked for, lived for, you cant believe this is happening to you, sometimes you will be in denial, sometimes you will be so angry at God at everyone, you wonder how it could have happened to you? You have to start afresh but you don't know how........

Its not that there is ever a 'good way to break up' a break up will always be difficult and painful for one if not both of the parties but i still think that people should be able to break up in a sensitive and 'bloodless' manner. Unfortunately things always end badly for if things were not bad they would not have ended but i think it is always courteous to break up in person where possible. Please share your break up experiences so that I know whether I'm talking through my ass as usual. Ps although i am well aware of how people should not break up i do not have any answers on how people should.....if they need to at all.......break up.

Might be AWOL for some time but will definitely be checking your blogs even if i might not have time to leave a comment.


Shubby Doo said...

1st...@Miss DM's ...2 posts in a row...i'm hot...i dey go read

Shubby Doo said...

good luck with your new job...enjoy decorating...yep the manner in which they choose to leave is nuts... can't say anybody has tried sex & the city one with me...if he had he would not be alive to tell the tale...

Funms said...


Funms said...

congrats on the job and move.......i also got a new apt and im still deciding how i want to decorate so its still very

breaking up styles..... hmmm. my last one was like the second coming of Christ,. i thot we were very happy so it led to hurricane katrina. Im just trying to move on and its been hard cuz i stupidly made movng plans and all when we were 2geda and signed up for a job contract in his state and town, so here i am stuck with being in d same town with no friends or what and dealing with the heart break, when on the other hand, hes moving on and trying to play the lets be friends card and help funms out since shes lonely and all.... stupid fool. story for another day. before i continue ranting, and take over ur blog, let me shut up........

aloted said...

hmm...breaking up can be hard..but all the ways u listed are definitely NOT the way to i agree with u on that...

if u are going to break up do it with dignity abi??

where r u going to oh??? u'll be missed

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your job and the new town. Enjoy your bedroom and please break the fast o (hehehe). After reading this, I am no longer going to date, EVER AGAIN. Thats it, I am done with Men.

Tigeress said...

Waow, that was long. Yeah, when u're celibate- men tend to take it upon themselves to break it. And offers?!! OMD the offers are out of this world. lol!!

As for ur break-up categories- i find them very interesting. Nice one.

Kookie said...

Miss DM you have done it again... managed to find something I relate it sad that I have experienced all those break ups on the list??? lol The Hurricane Katrina though is the best because you know thats the guy that either changes you or breaks you

doll said...

With a bang: I can imagine this will hurt the most

Hurricane Katrina: I take that back, this has to be the worst

Laughter said...

Awww congrats gurl, thanks for stopping by and i actually stalked you yesterday but now this morning found a new post.

Whenever a break up happens, it is so sad especially when u spend time and effort and money and then bang he ups and leaves.

Well, i hope you break the fast too and hopefully we will hear sniffs and gist of the new man.

Anonymous said...

all the best with the new job o...ehen and the pay rise use am buy biscuit for me o...I no mind am...

LusciousRon said...

Have fun in the new apartment.

Why do men take it upon themselves to want to 'blow your mind', 'give you the best night' etc.

I have been 'fasting' since April and the kind of offers I have been getting is just crazy.

The break up styles... hmmm that's just how some guys do it.

LG said...

Congrats dear'
sooooo wen we go wash am??? :-)

ShonaVixen said...

hey have and will be missed so make sure you come back soonest!!
Good luck wiv the new job and also getting to do some action in that 're-decorated' boudoir of yours!!
I loved ur take on the break-up techniques, and all so true, found myself chuckling and nodding along..&..there's also the Facebook break-up where it will notify all that 'so&so has ended their relationship with so&so'..change of status et all...mehn!!

~Sirius~ said...

Hey Congrats on your new job, sexy room, and having family closer to you- no greater joy,
Hmmmm, I totally hate breakups, you had me cracked up with the names and descriptions, "Like a thief in the night" LOL! - why would anyone do that??? 2nd coming of Christ is out rightly mean! not to mention the telephone game, Gee! hope I never have to go through another breakup, starting over can be a bitch.
And may I say kudos to you abstaining, sometimes we need to love ourselves by ourselves (and i don't mean it in that way!!)......keep walking from your temptations as long as you can.

~Sirius~ said...

@shonavixen, Facebook break up!!! LMAO!!!

Anonymous said...

first its great to read that ure getting to that happy place, great new job, family and all.
ps: a comeback? not unless it's the second coming! (if it's the same guy u'v bloged about in the past)

oh gosh, thief in the night has almost happened to me, and then i kinda almost went second coming on someone else... don't shoot the messenger - SO cowardly. and the telephone game! ARRGHHH!!!

i suppose the best way to break up is to not go into a relationship in the first place! it can only hurt.

Woomie O! said...

You couldn't have put it any bera. Some guys are simply dick
loving your blog. First time here!!!
I'ld kill for a new job by the way. Good luck.

Jarrai said...

Hey miss thang..congrats on the new job and new house...awaiting pics of the boudiour :)

As per break ups...the worst and most cowardly are the ones that act like complete horses to "force" your hand to break up with them...big COWARDS. However me and Hurricane Katrina have crossed paths and i hope we never ever do again.

Enigma said...


Very interesting blog and it does ring through!!

I confess to the 2nd coming and fake gentleman..

There is no easy way to break up and im sure the men will agree with me on this...2nd does happen, you just dont feel it anymore..rather than struggle, you bow out!

Fake gentleman.. it's just an easy way out, there is no cowardice to it...

Dont hate me, win some, lose some, it's the circle of life.. Women too do practice these breakup habits...VERY WELL!

All the best with the celibacy!

rayo said...

anyhow he does it, it still hurts sha. i'm savin this post, hope u dont mind oh.

Nice guy said...

yea break ups r'nt fun at all...there really is no nice way to do it

NikkiSab said...

Men and relationships !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! De can bring out d evil in a person. Sometimes de way de go about break ups or being in a relationship so TERRIBLE!!!

flabby said...

ive missed u! (are u allowed to say this on blogger)

lemme see- the 'stop answering ur calls one' has happened to me but it wasnt totally unexpected

ive done the 'push the person to break up with u one'

ive done the ' send a text' one

um- ive done the ' phone one'

looooooool! ive done quite a few- i guess im a terrible terrible person!


IDK said...

hey's it going??

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shubby, congrattulations on bring first again you are officially my number one stalker lol

Funms, hurricane katrina...havent we all been caught in the 'eye of the storm' Hope you are feeling alright now and lovng the new job and state.

Aloted, im not really going anywhere jus waiting for the cable guys to connect my internet in two weeks time arrgggh.

Temite, hey dont give up on the brothers jus give up on the rubbish ones who aint worth giving your heart to.

Tigeress, sorry about the long post but you should know by now that once i start typing I dont know when to put the fullstop, im actually worse in person dont know when to shut up lol

Kookie, hurricane Katina (to me) is the worst cause it can make you stop believing in love which is the most cruel thing coz sooner or later when the right person comes along your heart will be too darkened to embrace thier love.

Doll, i concurr, may hurricanes never crossmy path again.

Laughter, trust me when and if i break the fast it will be announced via a microhone at everystreet corner and broadcasted from every radio station lol

Chari, why too cheap now, I was thinking of sending a merc your way lol

Luscious Ron, overinflated egos if you ask me...promising to blow my mind and not even managing to light up a tiny spark when put to the task mchewwwww

LG, girl you are the one who is supposed to be baking me a 'welcome to the hood' cake or sending me a bottle of wine for the new home lol

Shona, the new bedroom is reaking of innocence at the moment, even the pope could have a lie in it and i would feel no shame lol. I've still got my candy (rabbit)left over from relatonship with YT but cant bring myself to use it lol.

Siruis, Facebook Break Up LMAO!!!!!!!!!!. having said that when I broke up with YT i updated facebook and all my 167 friends noticed lol. never again will i put 'in a relatonship' on my status.

woomie o, thanks for stopping by, dont be a stranger.

Geisha Song, true break ups' are never easy but all th more reason for people to be more sensitive about how they break up with people...sometimes peple hurt not because they didnt want the relationship to end but coz of the callous and nconiderate manner the relationship ended.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Jarrai, thanks babe...and whilst you are waiting for me to get connected to the net and upload the pictures you can use your imagination lol. Hurricane Katrina passed by here too,but thank God all the damage was cosmetic and repairable even though it did not seem that way at first. Now I can spot a potential hurricane cuaser a mile off and run like the wind.

Enigma, Fake Gentleman IS cowardice but i agree im sure women too practice some awful break up techniques but i wouldnt really know coz all my break ups have invovled men lol.

Rayo, dont mind at all, i actually feel flattered.

Niceguy, true breakups are never 'nice' but i still think we could still break up in a considerate and sensitive manner.

Nikkisab, totally agree i think sometimes there should also be pre relationship counselling inthe same way there is pre marital counselling lol

Flabby, missed you too babes its these blooming cable people dilly dallying with my installation ... will be back soon stalking you like crazy lol

IDK, am good, just getting used to a new routine and trying to stake out the sinle men in town lol.


Congrats on the job and the move!!! Hope your week is going well.

Rita said...

Congrats on the new job

I really enjoyed reading the categories of have a nice sense of still laughing...

All the best at work and in the new place...

miss jones said...

don't know why my heart was thumping reading all them break up modus operandi. say it to my face and get on with it, will ya? that's the best way to do it...i think.

Abujamaiden said...

I hope I never experience this post. God one, with the the extravagant proposals taking place what if he broke up during a game: instead of "AM will you marry..break up with me?"

God forbid!

Goodluck abstaining!

rethots said...

Hmmm ...which there was a hard and fast rule (effective without ruining emotions) way. But, i daresay none.

However, we all (humans) do stuffs; the way we each choose to tell who we are. If it is not dignifying, it expresses ones true essence.

Dammy said...

Quite a long post! Just musing on which of the breaking up styles would be accpetable in case of any eventualities! Lol!

Come to think of it, ladies are not saint either. You don't wana know how they go about it...

"perhaps its time to break the (rule)fast"


OluwaDee said...

Congrats on your new job.
All the best.

Buttercup said...

SWEETHEART!!!! How u been? Missed ya loads!

Off to read..

Buttercup said...

Double congratulations! All the best with the job..wud love to see pics of ur 'redecoration'..

Glad u had fun on ur vacation..

Ooohhh mdm met a man! Happy for u hon! Waitin for the gist! :D

My situation is kinda like the 'thief in the night' one..i simply stopped hearin from him n im told hes in some kinda trouble..oh well..

I like the names u gave the different

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Solomonsydelle, enjoying the move but absolutely hate being without my internet and my landline, cant ait to be reconnnected.

Rita, thanks dear, as for the categories being humourous, if only they were that humurous too when a guy is breaking up with you in that!!!!!!!

Miss Jones, mmmmmmmmm I wouldnt break up with a guy face to face, some african man sometimes have a propensity for violence.

Abujamaiden, its not that i dont want to get laid, just cant seem to find a man worthy enough to check out my groove

rethots, i couldnt have said it any better.

Dammy, am fasting by default lol, mmmmmmmm maybe i already have....technically what constitutes sex?

Oluwadee, thanks babe.

Buttercup, so have you so you mean he hasnt been in touch yet? The bas%&$%*rd !!!!!

bumight said...

i was going to say the same thing b'cup said about 'thief in the night'.
i know someone who got proposed to by email, so I guess its not so strange that they can break up by text or IM. the wonders of technology!