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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Monday, October 27, 2008

What The Fu*k!??!! (when love is not blind but ridiculously shortsighted)

Have you ever thought of, met, looked at a picture of, reminisced about an x boyfriend and thought What the fcuk was i thinking dating this guy? You know, that point when your rose tinted glasses are broken/removed and you can see him clearly as the loser, jerk, lazy ass, serial cheater, violent thug, user , chancer, or good for nothing jobless sh*t that he was? Okay maybe nothing quite so drastic but you realise anyway many moons after the relationship is over that you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved and could do better? Well if you haven't, I have.

Some of them x’s are dead funny, you can laugh it off as ‘I was young and foolish’ or I didn't know better, but some of them ain't so funny, when he gets arrested for rape , or you hear he beats up his wife or he now has 6 children from 5 different baby mamas, or he is dying of HIV or its ten years down the line (since you split up) and he still cant hold down a decent job or he spends 23 hrs at the local pub stone drunk or his doing time in jail for supplying class A narcotics, then you get goosebumps on your flesh coz suddenly you think OH MY FCUKING BALLS that could have been my husband!!!!!!! It is at that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief or thank God for not always granting prayers and thank him for sometimes dragging us out of potential ‘fires’ or ‘frying pans’ even though we fervently prayed for him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part? Who knows, what type of lives we would be leading right now yoked to these WTF kind of dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone, to make things work simply because we 'love' them that we become ridiculously short sighted and live for the day forgetting to think realistically whether in reality you could actually spend the rest of your life with a man who is drunk every night or who cant hold down a steady job or who has been into bother with the law again and again. I don't believe that love is blind coz 97% of the times we are aware that he is a violent man, a drunkard, controlling etc but we just tend to brush it aside thinking he will change, its just a phase or its not really important......wait until you have three kids together who need getting fed and clothed and he spends all your income on booze or you are in the A and E night and day from the bruises that he will have given you and then you can tell me whether you still think its 'not important'. My aunt taught me something important, (not that I have always followed her advice) never date a man who you can never envisage as a potential reliable father to your 'children' Or rather do we foolishly believe that love conquers all whether that 'all' is drink, drugs, unemployment, irresponsibility, infidelity or recklessness? I must admit love does conquer some some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect 'love' to conquer.....hell even Napoleon's armies would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally I am proud of my X’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve, and the possibility that by being in their life for a year or maybe two, I might have some how contributed positively to the successful man that they have become. However I do have an X that I wish I could discount when I'm tallying up my bedpost notches, the one that I would be too embarrassed to introduce to any of my current friends real virtual or even imaginary, the one that will always make me change direction when I see him coming, the one that i try by all means possible to refer to as an old friend instead of as one of my X’s. The one who gives me a WTF moment every time I meet him, think of him, or see his picture.

My WTF X boyfriend did not do anything quite as drastic as having 6 baby mamas, do time as a guest of Her Majesty’s prison service or get arrested for a sexual offence....his crime was failing to make something of himself....okay lemme explain a Lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating I was 18 he was 19, first love first fcuk first kiss first everything, i loved him when he had nothing he loved me when I had nothing, he gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King I get mine as a support worker , 1 year down the line we still dating I get into law school he's still at the checkout in Burger King, a year later I'm in second year law school his still at the checkout in Burger King. A year later exactly 3 years since we started dating we split up nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and all but that's a story for another day.

So roughly 4yrs since i knew him I got a law degree and he was still at burger King. To cut a long story short I go off to do my postgrad studies and all and get a full time professional job dude is still at Burger King not even promoted to floor manager working with 16/17year olds a grown ass man aged 27 who has no ambition what so ever in his life (I have nothing against working at a fast food restaurant after all they to have corporate ladders that you can climb).

So every time one of my mates walk into his branch of Burger King and see my WTF dude there , they always make it a point to give me a ring to rub it in, making silly jokes like had i been married to him i would be entitled to free burgers or happy meals for nearly 9 years running and all i can think is WTF......Okay i must admit though that there was a time i didn't feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him, a time that i wanted to spend the rest of my earthly life and my eternal one as well yoked to this guy........but that is way way way back in the past and as for now all I feel when I see him, think about him or am reminded of him is What the Fcuk, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS for the record (just so that i don't get hassled by the men in here,)am sure that there are WTF kind of girls out there too.

50 comments:

rethots said...

"...you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved....better?"

This was excellently written. Infact, i love the phrase above most.
However, just like visiting the bottom in order to appreciate the top; our paths might have crossed 'em to make us appreciate when we have 'better'?

An excellent post. Bravo.

Bondgirl said...

LMBAO.... so true...have had those moments of WTF but have also had the moment of WTF this dude was lazy when I knew him and now he straightens up for the next chick...that WTF moment really sucks because you want to ask why he never wanted to do well when you were with him..lol

Shubby Doo said...

are you sure you aren't also writing about my life?

hmmm...my ex worked at burger king and pizza hut... he now has at least 2 baby mamas...

I laugh now and think lucky escape

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

rethots, sometimes we literally 'punish' ourselves by being in relationships we have no business being in simply because we think we are incomplete when we are alone

Bondgirl, welcome to the club thought I was the only one who has expierenced these WTF moments. Thankfully it was jus once.

Shubby Doo, girl you passed up on a good thing....free pizza or burgers for life..would have come handy with all this credit crunch business lol

Shubby Doo said...

@Miss DM - no thanks...but come 2 think of it maybe that was his aim...i.e 2 fatten me up (with pizzas etc..) for the slaughter...thank God i had the sense to ditch his sorry ass...eventually...

p.s
think i got my BEng and my MSc b4 he got his 1st degree...he kept dropping out...hmmm...the writing was definitely on the wall 4 that relationship

po said...

maybe you should be saying "WHAT THE MAC?"

I enjoyed this post, if love is not blind, then maybe it is optimistic.

Funms said...

ur so right!!!!! i reently had one of those moments and exactly what i said wtf????????? especially when i saw his so called new girlfriend's picture when she was trying to add me on fb..... like her know her black ass

exschoolnerd said...

looooooooooool..i was thinking about this recently when i stumbled on an ex on facebook...i was like laide!!! how nau? wat were u thinking...like e be like sey d scales don fall from my eyes now..everything about him was sooooo wrong...the dreads,the smoking,the drinking,the tattoos.....i mean... he says he wants to see me now..i am scared cause i dont knw why i have a feeling he wants to douse me with acid...lol.

thats how scary he is....thnk God sha....bye bye to rege rege...bye bye to jaku jaku..

clnmike said...

Lol I can relate to that, I have an army of women that I have dated that I am like "was I high?!"

Temite said...

Yup. Oh my Gosh! Are you like in my head or something. I got a text from my "Temite you don lost yo mind" guy last night, or is it Temite you must have been high on dog food. He was trying to tell me his moving to a different state and hes just texting to say bye, if u see how I deleted the text sharp sharp. God forbid bad things. I get so uncomfortable just hearing from any of my exs cuz seriously some of them are urgghhh horrible. I am not even going to think about it. OK off too bad na. FRee burgers for ever - has its own merits o jare.

Temite said...

Meant off to bad now. I am so tired, its not even funny.

bumight said...

lmao @ "free burgers for life"!

I was just thinking about something similar. when I like a guy who's asking me out, I really like them that I can't even see the clear signs that he's not my type. then when stuff dont go as planned, I think " I can't believe I was seriously going to date this guy".

I have blogged about one of my exes that I still can't believe I dated, even though we were young then.

geisha.song. said...

i was gonna say i know what you mean, but DANG girl, that guy took WTF to a whole nother level. i'm sorry oh, but hell naw.
JEEZ!
but i have been in one rship where i was certain i was selling myself short. oh, make that two.
the first one i didnt care much about future per se, i jus wanted respect and some good old romance ya kno? a few months after we broke up i heard he had a child. go figure.
the other one i thought i wanted to marry! so obsessed with him. with him i feel WTF more about me, ie WTF was i doing being so needy!! as opposed to wtf was i doing with him.

rayo said...

this post was so funny. good thing u ditched his lazy ass. @xsn,tatoos, dredlocks, smoking? sweetheart u tried oh

Afronuts said...

LMAO!

Okay, this is a serious post but I just couldnt help bursting into Lafter!

Goodness!
A career with no promotion at Burger King! Kai!

Thank God comonsense smashed ur love glasses and made u see the truth!

But honestly, ur ranting is still making me laff

An NFA of an X, kai!

Laughter said...

Lol, spot on and so true. Sometimes you wonder whether you were deeply asleep or blind. Had a moment like that too and till today i still deny i went out with the bloke. It is always good to dump his/her especially when you have WTf moment. God help us all.

aloted said...

lol..eating burger for life ke..God forbid bad thing..i am glad u saw the light quick quick..

love isn't blind, it is usally the people in it that are blind...

so let us shine our eyes well well

~Sirius~ said...

Unfortunately I can't ROTF and LMAO seeing that I am indeed at work, but WTF!! LOL!!!!
Thinking about it I remember my WTF-was-I-thinking dude, he was violent and couldn't get his act together,I heard he's ok now, kudos to him, I have sooo moved on.
Burger guy, young and lovestoned totally allowed, the problem would have been if you still had him in your life right now. Lemme see even the free burgers wouldn't save your sanity. LOL!
Men never change, we have to decide if we can live with their habits, and the instant we know without a doubt we can't live with one thing they do or the other I say walk.....
Some how I think the WTF dudes work in our favour because we will never head back down such roads.

Confessions of a London gal said...

I think everyone has at one time or the other dated a WTF kinda guy. One irritant particularly springs to my mind now but as we don’t roll with the same “clique” I haven’t had to see him for over 3 years now! But Burger King for 9 years, ahn ahn! Kilode! Na so the burger sweet?

Parakeet said...

Hahahaha!...free burgers. But I do feel you. Sometimes I look at one of my exs in particular and am like whaddaheck was i doing with that dude. But to God be the glory. I remember one particular ex that I was so hung up on and until 3 years ago thot he shud have been the man I shud marry. I heard the guy beat up his wify and had to go to jail. Now I wonder if I had married him would that have been me he beat up. I was suprised though cos he was never violent for the 2years we were together and he's only been married a year now.

God help us.

Invisible said...

Well, this is where I tell people not to FALL in love but GROW in love. That gives you some time to look down the line and see the possible scenarios. Of course, we still fail at that but when you see no good thing coming, it's better to eject as soon as I can. That was my case, I ejected after 4 years with my latest X cause I couldn't see her "there".
A lot of people accused me of being shallow and mean but I'm too ambitious to be with her at that level. Maybe I'll blog about it.
So you're right, there's WTF ladies just like WTF men.

miz-cynic said...

yes i
lemme see....peeps id be ashamed to have dated.no all of tthem na pass mark except one tht i cant imagine my life with him now which will in a razz 1 bedroom apartment...this was y we broke up....infact he tried to get a bq apartment in ikoyi becos of this but i wasnt redi to listen, now he has moved to this place mtht i cant even pronounce the name in a 1 room apartment with his wife and son....and he's a banker o

Buttercup said...

*sigh*..

ShonaVixen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ShonaVixen said...

LMBZAO...Burger King on the friends and family rate then??..lol..hey m sure there's always that one WTF guy, i have one, met him he was 19 and in Uni...many moons later he's still in Uni and its not like he's doing his PHD o...no, dude just cant seem to find the degree thats 'right for him', so he's changed so many programmes and is still a student that lives wiv his mama!!He also says he's Peter Pan @ heart..lol..but he dont know there's nothing Peter Pan about his body/face/age!!tut tut..

28 October 2008 14:24

aloted said...

had to come back and say this- these comments are hilarious, am sure at each time it wasn't though..

Thank God for God!

Shubby Doo said...

@Miss DM - I just came back to add that my ex got promoted to kitchen supervisor at Pizza Hut but by the time I graduated he'd been fired by the Floor Manager...I mean how in the hell does a 29 yr old man get fired from Pizza Hut!!! I mean WTF?!!!

Nefertiti said...

LMAO @ 'free burgers for life' My WTF dude cannot speak a correct sentence of English to save his life even though he has an MBA... like WTF?! How'd he do it. I dumped his tail with a quickness and threw him the deuce sign.

Shubby Doo said...

@shonavixen – LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO…kai! You know what?! my WTF ex bf kept dropping out 2… 1st from med school… then from a computer course at uni… then from something else.

Like afronuts said I’m glad that the rose tinted glasses fell to the floor and got smashed to smithereens!

Tigeress said...

Well said. thats hilarious tho. But u have to remember when we're 18- them things aren't paramount then. My ex i dated when 18......all i can say is bless him. lol!!!

I was recently introduced to some dude who moved to america on a green card. GREEN EFFING CARD! 6 years down the line he has gotten his blue passport and yet he's driving a cab. I'm like dude, WTF!!!!?? u serious?!! 6 years, blue passprt and u're driving a cab. I dont give a rats ass if u're in the process of doing some SAP course, but guess what- u've spent 6years without getting educated and u have a bloody greencard/american passport!!! It says a lot about you!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Po, lol optimistic about a nine year service record at burger king changing into a medical school graduate or a lawyer? I dont think so.

Funms, you should have told her to run for her life...u should have said girl WTF you doing with this dude

exschoolnerd, us had a mental picture of your ex....drugs, drink, dreads..and thought WTF!!!

clnmike, dude a whole army....when will you learn to spot these women a mile off? at woman number 600?

Temite, girl those WTF dudes need to have a sign painted on thier foreheads 'date at your own risk'

Bumight, at least unlike some of us you didnt go the whole mile...lucky you almost doesnt count

Geisha.song, yeah had those WTF moments about myself too, like what the hell was i acting like an idiot for.

Rayo, funny thing is when I dumped him being a WTF kind of dude was not even the reason, I only thought about that much later.

Afronuts, lol free burgers for life...that would take obesity to a whole new level

Laughter, hey girl...hopefully he doesnt have any photoraphic evidence of your relationship together.

Aloted, I couldnt have said it any better

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

~Sirius~ true we will never head back down that specific road but 6 times out of 10 you meet another guy who takes another version of WTF to a whole new level.

Confessions of a London girl, maybe datin a WTF dude is a rite of passage that every woman has to o through just like losing your virginity lol

Parakeet, God already helped you lol

Invisible, nah you wrong....there are a few WTF kinda women and LOADS of WTF kinda men lol

Miz-cynic, kudos to you, you are a rare brand, but im sure 4 most people its not really shame its more disbelief that seriously did i think I could spend the rest of my life with that guy.

Buttercup, was it that bad?

Shona Vixen, perpetual students lol, maybe he is on a students visa hon.....the things we do for 'papers' lol

Aloted, Amen to that!!!!!!!

Nefertiti, lol so what did you communicate in.....sign language lol

Tigeress, LMAO!!!! I know an african proverb which loosely translated 'pumpkins fall to those who have no clay pots.' meaning why do opportunities happen to those who can rarely make good use of them.But i know what you mean, I cant stand a man with no ambition.

Shubby, I saved yours for last. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
girl yours takes the cup, fired from pizza hut????? What the H do you have to do to et fired at a pizza joint? Did he put too much peperoni on a pizza or did he give a meat feast to the vegetarian customer? Lord have mercy if he was caught redhanded stuffin his face off with pizzas behind the kitchen cupboard lol.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

This reads like a magazine article. Lol@ the cartoon! Yes, love makes us see through tinted lens. It's what the french call, "la vie en rose". The good thing is you can look back and be like, "what the hell was I thinking" and have a good laugh about it. Ga8 post. Enjoyed reading it!

simeone said...

i enjoyed this post..its got substance..a good dose of it at that..love's not blind at all..
like shubby doo said..the writings are always on the wall...but people dont usually pause ..until the writing is on the bill board...
its good everybody can look back and say.."thank goodness i got out of it.."

Naija Idol said...

LMAO. We've all had our WTF moments.

ShonaVixen said...

@MDM...he's British!!!!so its not for the papers o...so its the pepertual student thing hey..lol..

talesandtallies said...

I am so young right now... I couldnt say I have had that moment yet!but a couple of years down the line I maybe singing that tune...

Love must be really blind or its something in the burger!lmao.... funniest post ever!lol

Favoured Girl said...

This post is so funny and so true. Sometimes we look back and realise "What was I thinking?!!". I'm glad most of us seem to have woken up and smelt the coffee before we got burned.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Nigeriandramaqueen, couldnt have said it better

Simeone, LMAO @ the writing on the billboard...but some of us would still not see it

Naijaidol, havent we all, at least we have put these moments behind us.

Shona,.....he was British too? WTF!!!!!!!!!!

Talesandtallies, LMAO its not just burgers (according to bloggers) its pizzas, perpetual students and stoned alcaholic rastafarian wannabes lol

favouredgirl, thank goodness for that I shudder to think how my life would have turned out, free burgers indeed???Give me free Balenciaga bags/versace jeans or monolos for life..but burgers? WTF!!!

Da Hunni Toya said...

I know exactly what you mean

(shakin my head at them EX's)

Lolia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lolia said...

Why is this post the story of my life? lol I feel you though...even right now I'm trying to figure out why I'm still in the relationship I'm in right now...it's so annoying but I think when you care for someone a lot and they do something to hurt you, since you'd never do it to them it becomes hard for you to understand and you just stay hoping everything will change.
Loved the post ^_^

Lolia said...

p.s: You've been tagged! For rules, please see my blog! ^_^

It's fun...I promise...

Chari said...

geezzthis ur WTF x's story is seriously sad mayn...*sigh

wow...I swear this is one of the things I most fear in ma earthly life...that people I used to know look back and down on moi...
iigggkk...

The funny thing is...I wana be a wtf ex to jare...
As in, 5-10 years I wana be the kinda person that ma ex's are like wtf? y did I leave?

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

da hunni toya, we've all been there hopefully its never again.

Lolia, true its hard to leave a relationship,its a curse for us women we love too strong. Thanks for tagging me will definitely post about it soon but there is nothing interesting or quicky about miss DM

Chari, why in five to ten years? why not now, lol.

poeticallytinted said...

I can't stop laughing right now. this is so darn funny or maybe not...

InCogNaija said...

thats just sad...the WTF dude. I mean, cmon dude!! or lets ask him, he might have a reason like dedication to production of quality burgers. lol! sorry. just had to say that one.
Anyways, there sure are WTF ladies too. I generally laff at myself when i look and see my past foolishnesses.

thenine09 said...

bumped into ur blog n really like ur posts in general. this one applies to alot of people too and ofcourse there are WTF girls and WTF guys! :)

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