'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.

(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)


Shubby Doo said...


Rebirth said...

2nd ...let me read

Laughter said...

3rd o... Will read again though i have done silly stuff all for love o.

Rebirth said...

did u read my mind before writing this?????????? ive done stupid things....... ive flown to the US from UK for 2 days just to apologise to someone who obviously didnt want to be with me and make them try to consider the rship......
ive spent so much money shopping and depriving myself of things just to make someone happy with the hope that i'd be the perfect person they wanted........ ive done alot of things, stupid, crazy, foolish for unrequited love and i have reached apoint that ive given up...... never again will i go down that road. i learnt from the worst experiences, hurt and pain........

this is too long men

Invisible said...

I thought it was going to be about a significant other 'cause no one should ever have to do that much just to get something back. But for a mother??
Mothers can't be replaced but at the same time, mothers have to know their responsibilities. A child should NEVER have to buy his/her mother's love. If a child has to do that much and still get little back without a seriously valid reason, I'll have to say that's a bus that the child will have to miss. God will understand.

Crazy thing for love??? I think I apologized once for something the other person did wrong (ages ago) but I'm sure someone can and will top that.

Invisible said...

What the heck? When I started writing my comments, I was 2nd. Where did y'all come from so fast.
As you can see, they've already topped my 'crazy' thing.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shubby, congratulations but spill the beans about the crazy/stupid stuff u've done for love...surely you are not that sensible lol

Funms, wow a trip across the atlantic? you have soo much money lol.....but did it work?

Invisible, it can be anybody, significant other, mother,father friend ,cousin (love is just love despite its different forms)..what did you apologise for?

Unknown said...

We always seek the approval of our parents no matter who we are and who our parents are. But there comes a time in one's adult life that perhaps one should work hard on dishing out tough love as in:

"Tough but I need some distance away from you, mum/dad. If you won't love me, I will love me the best way I can and that is ok"

I am saying this because I have some friends who have suffered because of unloving parents. I am lucky that my parents have shown me love...unconditional love. But I have seen friends suffer and can empathise.

The worst thing I've ever done for unrequited love? Can't recall so it probably isn't that important.

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...

spill the beans...not money...i don't normally mix the two up in an effort to be noticed...

the stupidest stuff i've done is unrequited love for the same person that i'm actually in a relationship with...does that make sense? is kinda like what undacoversista wrote about in her post...but not quite! oh well i understand me sha

at the end of the day it comes down to courage
-to be honest
-to love
-to stop loving someone that doesn't love you
-to love again
-to let yourself be loved

Simple really... but i'm crap at taking my own advice *sighs*

Apinke said...

u must have had me in mind while writing this. its so degrading and annoying.
i spent half of the whole of last year crying bcos i had a boyfriend, i was always making the sacrifices just to make the whole crap work.
suddenly i just snapped out of it, i got him faster than i thot.

its all shitty crap. cant count the stupid things i have done sef, too much!

shirappens jare!

ShonaVixen said...

Lemme just say m FIRST!!Yes, i said it FIRST!! MDM tell 'em(in a Souljaboy voice)

ShonaVixen said...

hmmmm funny how when we do the silly stuff it makes sense to us till we snap out of it... there was one such time when i'd be tempted to buy expensive gifts or rather i'd buy the gifts though keep them assessing the situation..was always glad when i returned them and got me some shoes!!
But now i dont do nothing of the such no more,m wiser!!
MDM m still peeved 12th, when i was stalking this blog late last nite and earlier on today!!! :(

Shubby Doo said...

@shonavixen - truth be told i beat you here even yesterday when miss DM faked the funk on us and removed the post after 14 mins (or maybe before) again to prove it...i came here 2day and was rightly rewarded with 1sttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

rethots said...

...even much more, but then, maybe they just need (a breathing) space. Afterall, 'tis said, 'absence makes the heart fonder'. I would have replied before reading the very last sentence.
So, i would rather say Iya ni wura.

Rita said... all your "Have you" questions...and much more worse ones..only to look back and laugh and say it was not really worth it...because that person who loves you for who you are is just waiting for you...and also there is God who loves unconditionally...

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Naijalines, its true that there comes a point where you should really say enough is enough but most of us never recognise that 'point' when we come to it and will always pass it.

Shubby Doo, true, sometimes i wish our hearts (love) was a tap that you could switch on or off instantly so that if someone fell out of love with you, u would just turn off your 'tap' too and instantly fall out of love with them too.

Omotee, strange thing is (like Sho said) when you are doing the stupid ass crazy shiiii it doesnt seem crazy or degrading at the time you always find reasons to justify it.....its only when u have accepted that its over that u think FCUK WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!!!?????

Shona, lets just say you are both tie at number one ;-) At least you had the good sense to keep the gifts, I would hand them over glowing like a stupid school girl. Utter folly that money would have grown wings by now had i put it into a hedge fund.

Shubby, please please please allow Shona to be first, she stayed up till the wee hours of the morn waiting for this post...pretty please??

Rethots,true but in some cases too prolonged an absence makes the heart completely and utterly forget you

Rita, please share at least one crazy thing you have done all in the name of love.

Anonymous said...

wow...I gotta say it...I have been unrequited...let it go...the truth the long run certain things are not worth bein stupid about when u look back in hindsight

miz-cynic said...

iv cried in d arms of anoda wu loved me i gues as mvch as i loved d peson i was yearning 4 cos i wanted him so bad but i couldnt tell him y i was crying

(vixenchick) said...

yup! definately been there.

eFJay said...

Eventually people run out of love to give... its rly sad though to have to try so hard to please one's own mother; i thought mothers automatically loved their children, i thought the bond was natural...

Yes i have done things for love, lol! very silly things... when i was ss2 i was so in love with this boy that i knew his timetable so well that i could 'coincedentally' bump into him

Ef babe

Red Sapphire said...

When i began reading, i saw myself in its entirety in the whole post.Shhh its so true,but when i got to the end,i realized u were talking bout ya ma, i was kinda shocked.
But as u'requested, lots of seemingly useless things have been done by me for unrequited love.
Oh too many,looking back now,i feel appalled sef.
Begged when it was certainly unnecesary,cried,compromised sexually ohhh so frustrating.
MDM,its just too many to number..still the end result was they walked.The funny thing though is that after awhile they always come back but its usually too late.
Too late because, i had probably moved on, can't compromise or come to realize they weren't worth the trouble.

doll (retired blogger) said...

well, I once had a toaster I was attracted to but couldn’t date cuz I was in luv with someone else. Anyways he wanted to move on and I sorta took it badly (I never realized I liked him that much), started calling him like every oda day, inviting him for lunch every day. But I got closure wen I met his girlfriend. That’s d craziest thing iv done…

~Sirius~ said...

I guess your post is a standard phase in life nearly everybody goes through, I've done my own share of crazy nonsense, and I thank God that i am older and wiser now, and like Red Sapphire said - " after awhile they always come back but its usually too late."

I actually didn't change school when i had the chance to go to a better school and study something i loved because of man- Never again!

MDM~ I'm not in ur life, so i can't really understand what you are going through with your ma, but i need you to take this experience, take control of your future and your kids when you become a ma....:-) u'll be fine girl.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Chari, I thought it was only women who had that 'gene'

mz cynic, at least you were discreet about it

vixenchick, go on tell us what you did

efjay, lol bet you knew his timetable better than your own.

red sapphire,Its someone's mother but i did not specifically say it is or is not my own ;-)
true they normally always come back too bad its usually when u've come back to your senses.

Doll, ouch that must have hurt, what did he introduce you as?

Invisible said...

I've done crazy things for family and I'll do it again in a heart beat.
What did I apologize for? She did said something wrong, I got mad, she got mad, relationship was going downhill and I took the blame and apologized. Relationship ended 2 weeks later anyway, good riddance if you ask me. lol. This was years and years ago though and it won't happen again. Well, they say never say never.

Buttercup said... wont say i'v been desperately in love before..

Let me see..this wsnt love-related per se..but i had to suck up to my dad throughout 2007, yes, the whole year, just so he'd let me go home so i cud see my then boyfriend..he ddnt make it happen..all my suckin up was futile..i hated my dad for a while..

Tigeress said...

I can't say i've been desperately in love like that. I've been in love tho- once. but i was like 18/19 which was ages ago so not sure if that counts.

For some reason, i dont have the ability to like someone who doesnt like me. If i find myself liking some dude and he's not feeling me- i eventually lose interest. Too many boys out there i keep saying. plus there are guys who are crazy about me and i'm not interested in.

dont get me wrong, i've begged once- ONLY once and it'll be my 1st and last. I begged not becos i was in love but becos i needed to be in a relationship at that point in time. I was 20 then. Begging a guy to be with you..........NOT cool at all. When i think about, i cringe at myself with disgust. so wasnt worth it.

doll (retired blogger) said...

As his paddy. By then i knew that he has moved on sha...he told me

Black Berry said... going to think!

flabby said...

sometimes i dont know if i can use the word love to describe that stupid feeling!! but its definitely im going to go and think of stupid things ived done..wait is becoming ridiculous but i blogged about doing stupid things for guys before

(DO NOT!! comb thru my blog!! and DO NOT link the post..)

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Invisible, lol u shouldnt have been too hasty apologising, if only u had waited two more weeks they wouldnt have been the need at all.

Buttercup, you havent 'lived' till you have been desperately in love, lol, the humiliation, self kicking, wanting to die of shame that u expierence in the aftermath is priceless lol

Tigeress,lol stop trying to play it down begging is begging whatever the reason so yes you have been desperately in love before...accept your club memebership with grace lol

Doll, at least it didnt come as a surprise.

Blackberry, go away and think....and then come right back here with the whole detail

Flabby, you already know what im going to do right........?

Tigeress said...

lol!! Miss DM, u're funny. Trust me-i know i wasnt desperately in love- at least not with this dude. He was cute alright, but after being in a prior relationship for like 2 years- it was hard being single- i needed to be in a relationship; needed him fill that void. plus being with him made it easier to kinda stay away from @. LOL!!! That obviously didnt work as u can read from my blogs.

The wierd thing is- my 1st bf that i was madly in-love with- i never begged for us to get back together neither did he- for reasons best known to both of us. But this particular dude- i toasted BIG time for us to get back together- i won't front....but it sure wasnt becos of love.

justchum said...

really good entry. makes you really think. okay crazy isn't really my fortae, as in I've never done anything super crazy. Doing lame more like it.
SO this guy, who was my last boyfriend but friend at the time, now my ex..we used to be really tight, and like..I remember I was bored one day and I was like "tell me a story" so he went on and made up a story about a crab ..
and so like two months later for his birthday, i had drew out the story into a comic and mailed it to him...yep lame..but I really liked him and thought it was like something cute..sad thing is i spent like forever on it.

Kafo said...

i dunno
unrequited love
i don't understand it
i really don't
i've tried but i guess i'm too spoilt to understand it

poeticallytinted said...

I loved someone so much I made arrangements to 'elope' with him... seriously. Well, he didn't want to elope with me. lol. I just assumed he'd want to.

poeticallytinted said...

I loved someone so much I made arrangements to 'elope' with him... seriously. Well, he didn't want to elope with me. lol. I just assumed he'd want to.

Walking said...

First time here. I identified with the post and yeah I've had my share of unrequited love. The thing is at some point you have to love yourself more and that frees you to stop making those sentimental moves that acheive nothing. I also daresay a mother can be replaced... isn't a mother really simply one that nurtures? Who says it has to be your biological one?

Zayzee said...

DM, i left a comment here two days ago, and passing by to read other comments and cant find mine. why now? so all that long gist of my stupidity went down the drain? ok. maybe cyberspace dont want me sharing that.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Tigeress, still in denial lol

againstthegrain, that wasnt lame i thought it was quite romantic.

Kafo, you the only one but guess its a good thing you've never had to deal with all that jazz

poeticallytinted, lol you cant plan a wedding without inviting the groom.Hope you hadnt packed your bags and all lol

a'dele, loved this sentence
"isn't a mother really simply one that nurtures?"
Thats all they need to do, but some...some actually stunt your growth

Uzezi, awwww sorry i didnt see it, probably blogger was playing up as usual. please share......

Aijay said...

People do crazy things for love...

UndaCovaSista said...

Nice twist at the end..
I guess the worst i've done is change to try to conform to my picture of what the other person wants/expects

Rebirth said...

hmm, work ke? it didnt o, got worse sef..... can u imagine

O'Dee said...

Was gonna say;
"Not every1 will like u. So stop trying to get those who dont like u 2 like u. Instead give your time and love to those who like you."

But since its a mother its diff.
you have to keep trying, but don't try to the point you loose yourself or go broke...
Just do your best and leave the rest.

Aspa crazy doing crazy things 4 love, i 1ce cleared my acct 4 Rabbi .

Afronuts said...

unrequited love is a pain in the nuts!

And that jazz thing...I've tried it once in high skool. Was crazy about this girl and got this thing u rub on ur hand and touch any babe of ur choice via one of the bad guys in skool.

It didnt work. I touched her butt and she screamed blue murder at me LOL

stupid things we do in high skool

Smaragd said...

46th! wow

haven't read yet, saw the title and i came by to say that i love the song if u got it from the Don Williams song!

"Desperately, loving u desperately
when u are not here with me
i get a li'l bit crazy..."

off to read

Rayo said...

i have stopped tryn2 get her love, it just doesn't matter that much any longer

bumight said...

as I was reading this i was just thinking how I dont think i have ever done a lot of the "haveyou ever's"

i've done a couple of crazy things for my bf when we broke up, in hopes of getting back together. it worked!

Miss E said...

yeah, its craizee. ive done alot of stupid stuff n at the end of the daay, its neva really worth it. and wen it finnally is, dnt u just luv it?

Miss E said...

yeah, its craizee. ive done alot of stupid stuff n at the end of the daay, its neva really worth it. and wen it finnally is, dnt u just luv it?

miss jones said...

crazy things we do for love. shouldn't a mother's love be natural?

Angel said...

DEEP...! And thanks for the comment love. You've got a great blog going yourself. Don't be a stranger. :)

Toluwa said...

no one should ever have to do that much just to get the love of his/her mother! thats too much pain to go thru!

But i have give out my credit card wen i was broke to a guy to use..and i paid it off wen i got money...STUPID, STUPID i tell u! lol!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Aijay......and even crazier things when they fall out of love lol.

Undercoversista, I guess yours is not so bad coz to a certain extent we all try and conform to the other persons expectations.

Funms, at least yo earned air miles :-)

Oluwadee, yours paid off cause you eventually married Rabbi so it wa more of an investment;-)

Afronuts, you are nuts!! consider yourself first on the blogsville sex offenders register lol

Smaragd, you spot on thats where I got the title.

Rayo, tell us more about 'her'. Its good that guys sometimes get all 'desperately in love' like us chicks.

Bumight, lucky you, at least it paid off.

Miss E,craizee is an understatement

Miss Jones, thats a moot point, is there anything called natural love or is it societies' expectations that the love should be natural?

Brown butterfly, thanks for the compliment will definitely be frequent on your doorstep.

Just Toluwa, did he eventually give you your money back?