'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Monday, November 24, 2008

No Sex in this City ................

There should be a law against having wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind blowing sex (yes Sho' am talking to you lol), particularly if you live in an apartment above someone who isn't getting any, or hasn't been getting any for a while. Surely its just good neighbourliness, it makes sense, in the same way as you wouldn't eat your KFC bucket with extra large fries and two large sides in front of starving kids at a refugee camp in Somalia.

Okay bad analogy cause I'm not starving, 'starving' would mean that I am hungry yet no 'food' is available, which is not true coz the 'food' can be made available yet I'm choosing not to eat lol maybe I'm becoming sexnorexic. But seriously its been exactly 9 months since I last got laid. The first 4 of those were hell, mainly because I was still in a long distance relationship and I missed my man so much going to bed alone was intolerable, so to make me feel better we had more phone sex during those 4 months than the rest of Holland put together, I use Holland as an example coz the rest of Europe is ultra conservative. The last 5 months have been completely erotic free, meaning no sex, no alternatives to sex, no plans to get sex and very little thoughts about sex lol. Its kinda like being on a diet, the first 3 weeks are hard work (apparently it takes that long for your pallet to change)and then afterwards you get used to the 'diet' it becomes a routine, second nature, you wonder how a few months back you could possibly eat cream cakes 3 times a day, or wake up in the middle of the night for a banana or two?

So having successfully managed to keep my apartment a 'sex free zone' for 5 months running, you can imagine my frustration of having to endure night after night of 'oh Johnny oh Johnny ha ha ha oh Johnny Johnny ha ha ha Johnny oh Johnny ohhh ha ha ha johnny Johnny oh oh ha ha ha....... seriously how many times can one say Johnny in a minute followed by laughter then thuds, rattling more ha ha has a few Johnny's' a couple of oohs more rattling or ha ha has then a few high pitched Johnny's' then comes my favourite part of the evening.....silence, total silence. Five months is a long time in Sex-land so maybe am a bit out of touch but since when has sex become so funny that one has to say an average of 20 ha ha Ha's a minute? I know for definite that Johnny upstairs ain't no Chris Rock, he's an Electrician by trade lol so naturally i'm curious as to the cause /source of those ha ha Ha's......anyone with a hyperactive imagination to help me out?

So when was the last time you had noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex? (and please no answers on postcards, keep it to yourselves thank you!). But seriously who ever told people that making more noise or making the apartment expierence a mini earthquake(all the rattling and shaking) means you are enjoying it a whole lot? Once upon a time, in an era long gone, the most I could manage if i was really enjoying myself were one syllable words, anything longer meant my mind wasn't yet blown away lol.I'm not hating on my horny neighbours upstairs, or cussing the building company for making low quality apartments with paper thin walls, all i'm saying is.....Santa for Christmas please bring me one gaint pair of ear muffs , or better still wave your magic wand so that jus for a day, today, there is no noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex in this city!!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Oh fragile heart of mine.......

Oh fragile heart of mine
Licking its wounds defiantly within me
stubbornly refusing to move on
nor allow me to chose who i love or who i do not.
A heart that refuses to accept change.
I command yet it does not follow
I plead and yet it gives me no mercy
how can I force it to move on
to give up that which it holds dear
or love that which it does not?

This fragile heart of mine
its scars and wounds reminders of love battles fought and lost
A heart so bruised and sore
and yet it still holds on to a love thats lost
unwilling to move on
refusing to open up to possibilities
to wipe the slate clean so I can start again.

Dear fragile heart of mine
dont place me under lock and key.
Unlock your doors to possibilities
Many are knocking seeking to enter
and yet,
stubbornly you draw up your shutters
waiting for that familiar knock
which we both know will never come
If only you would learn from your mistakes
let go of the past so we can reach out,
reach out into a future full of loves' countless possibilities

This fragile heart of mine
A heart that loves hard, breaks easily but never forgets
wipe the slate clean so I can start again
I know life has knocked you down
But you must take a chance and spread your wings
If you afraid to try
let me lead and you can follow
and eventually we might learn to fly
oh fragile heart of mine.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Runaway Chicken (and other misdemeanours)

Those of you who ever lived or actually still live in Africa will be able to understand this analogy. Remember how back in the day (don't know if its still the practice) you could buy a live chicken and take it home to kill, skin and cook? remember sometimes how after looking forward to the whole 'we are going to eat chicken huha' the damn animal smells death and does a runner and those members of the household unfortunate enough to still be called kids would have to chase the damn animal across the yard until you eventually catch it or until your intended dinner escapes from the yard never to be seen again?........I wonder sometimes whether calling a coward 'chicken' was solely derived from such incidents.

To cut a boring story short, I chickened out, I dilly dallied so long making a decision that in the end there was no decision to be made. I realised that if you have to 'think' so long about being with someone no matter how loving or adorable they were, then you have no business being with them in the first instance. So I took the easy way out and did the runaway chicken on him, I feel guilty, he feels hurt he says he thought i was coming round. I have been hurt before so I try by all means to avoid hurting any other human being cause I know how it feels, so as much as the thought of being with him was an attractive prospect I don't love him, I need to totally and completely be free from any baggage from my previous relationship before i can even think of being in another relationship.

He looked at me for 10 solid minutes, ten minutes sitting opposite me not saying a word just looking at me and then he got up kissed me on the forehead and left closing the front door gently behind him but i felt as if he had banged it shut. So much was said in those 10 mins of silence then we could have said in ten minutes of conversation.So I'm officially the runaway coward a chicken. I guess as much as you cant help who you love, neither can you help who you don't love.

To those who were awaiting with bated breaths photos of the new boudoir you can now breath out. the stupid bed broke, well part of the head board that is, and no I wasn't getting down and dirty with anybody, funny thing was I was bouncing up and down the thing, you know just testing it out just in case well, what the hell I was just testing to see how strong it would be under pressure. Next thing I know the the thing snaps crack and one half of the thing lands on the floor, mschwwwwww that bed was my pride and enjoy, so I'm having to dismantle it and take it back to the damn shop, am so infuriated will have to face the humiliation of the staff looking at me with knowing eyes like they soooooo know what i did last night, If only they knew.

I went to a fortune teller a few weeks ago, actually I stumbled across her quite by accident. She had quite a few things to say to me, some ridiculous, some incredibly accurate, some bizarre and some ........and some that are best left undisclosed, will definitely blog about it sometime.

I'm not in the habit of wearing 'lucky knickers' or lucky pants, but when you have been so unfortunate in love you tend to think that actually that might not be such a bad idea after all. Picture this hot sunny day, I stop at the traffic light, car purrs up on my left, decent Audi TT drop top, 2006 registration, heart stopping eye candy of a hunk at the wheel, he smiles at me and winks suggestively I smile back, he blows me a kiss, i think that's silly I laugh, I start playing within my hair (a sure sign that I'm probably interested, I pray for the traffic light to remain red just for a bit longer, he indicates that i should follow his car, and as he points to the left, horror of horror the hunk has on a wedding ring, I'm indignant, traffic lights turn green, he zooms off, I'm left wanting to follow him so that I can give him a piece of my mind...I decide against it, serves me right for flirting with random pervs at traffic lights, note to self, next time at the lights look straight ahead !!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Down on Bended knees

"whatever I said, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, I want you back for good"
I don't remember who sang this song, but I cant help humming it as i type this post. I'm no relationship expert, certainly i have failed in that domain four times over and had it been a college course or a job I would have been permanently barred from the field due to incompetence. So you can understand why I would normally shy away from giving relationship advice. (I would normally point you in the direction of Shona or Afrobabe and leave them to the job). Okay back to my non expert advice...............listen carefully coz this will be my first and last bit of unsolicited advice......

now if you are going to break up with someone and there is even a tiny bit of chance however remote that in the distant or not too distant future you might be begging that person to take you back, then PLEASE don't use phrases like 'ugly,' 'fcuking bitch', 'i never loved you', 'I was fcuking someone else all along', 'you were sh*t in bed', 'good riddance', or 'it was jus a fling,' in your break up vocabulary coz those kind of phrases do not enhance your prospects in any way when you go back to her/him down on bended knees grovelling for a second chance (with that girl or boy who according to you was a fat ugly fcuking bitch who you never loved as it was just a fling so that's why you were fcukiing someone else all along and its good riddance ). I would advice everyone to mind their break up language cause sooner or later you will definitely come back grovelling when you discover that the grass is indeed not greener on the other rarely is.(90% of the time anyway according to my own biased inaccurate and totally unreliable research lol)

anyway there is nothing as humiliating or as dehumanising as grovelling before someone who you called all sorts of names and swore that you would never ever want anything to do with even if they were the last woman on earth and the survival of mankind depended on it. Certainly talking from expirence its rather off putting to say the least. Case in point 'he whose name we do not speak' I found myself literally imprisoned at my own front door. dude was down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, grabbing at my feet, blocking the door so that I could not move, begging me to take him back. (seriously even the worst soap could not have written this into a script). I was trying to shut my door in his face, the poor guy was hanging on for dear life, had it been a movie it would have been comical to say the least starring Chris Rock , Adam Sandler or Jim Carey but trust me when its happening at your own front door there is nothing comical about it, all you wanna do is call the cops asap.

I would have, had it not been so pathetic, gone was the over confident cocky dude cruising round in his two seater merc, Life post our breakup had not been kind to him and it showed in a number of ways (I wont waste your time going over them lol) Funny how tables turn, this was the very same guy who when I eventually took the hint and broke up with him swore he would never be back, that he didn't love me anyway blah blah blah and how I should hit the road running coz he didn't give a damn.....the irony of it all......guess u wouldn't blame me then for secretly humming eminem's 'guess whose back' under my breath. I felt vindicated in a way coz whilst I had realised that I could live without him and I could do so much better, he in turn had discovered that he couldn't live without me and i was his 'everything'. To cut a long story short, I shut my door in his face, that's one guy who is never coming within a mile of my heart again, i was done with him a long time ago.Someone else asked me to take him back but that's a story for another post(I'm on a roll this month guess its something in the northern chilly air lol).

To take him back or not to take him back, that's a dilemma that faces each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. My theory is there are four different types of men who beg you to take them back.

there is the genuine type, the dude who truly realised that he made a mistake by letting you go and genuinely wants another chance to make things right, to make it work. he will fight hard to have you back and when he succeeds makes damn sure he keeps you for good.

there is the 'got nothing better to do I'm bored type', he doesn't really want you back, but he has discovered that there is nothing interesting out there, or all the single ladies are not rushing out to date him like he thought they would, so after a few weeks or months of being dateless the novelty of being single starts to wear thin and he gets disillusioned and thinks I might as well just go back to good old faithful miss DM.

the 'spiteful type' this is probably the most popular type of guy. he doesn't want you back, but he doesn't want you to be happy either. So every time you start getting back on your feet, or have one or two guys genuinely interested in you and you are starting to contemplate going out with one of them, he reappears on the scene saying how much he wants you back blah blah blah and how he made a mistake, you take him back only for him to hurt you again, and when you eventually get back on your feet he reappears again, and the same thing keeps happening again and again.

then there is Mr confuse your mind,you know the type that doesn't want you back but still wants to have sex with you. so he is kinda like blah blah lets take things slow and see how it goes. So you are not in a 'relationship' but you are sleeping together. he says he needs to sort his feelings out, figure out what he really wants but he loves you blah blah but funny how his d**k has no problem figuring out what it wants huh?So he confuses you, and you don't move on cause you are stuck in this halfway house in between being in a relationship and jus being sex buddies. 9 out of 10 times you later find out he has a new girlfriend on the side and get hurt again.

Some say that you should never get back together again with a guy whose broken your heart coz you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Others say to err is human and to forgive is divine. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer but I guess the secret to avoid being hurt again is to make sure that if ever he does come back on bended knees begging you to take him back, make sure that he is not bored, spiteful or jus trying to confuse your mind.