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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Truth that got me 'Rihannad' ..............

My mama taught me all kinds of lessons, " if you so much as touch a guy you can get STI's", "you can get pregnant by merely smiling at a man", "your mother will know if you have fooled with a guy because your uterus is linked to her umbilical chord". My mother was a diligent teacher, she taught 'practicals' as well. Painful lessons delivered with equally pain inducing apparatus, shambocks, slippers, branches from our mango tree and my fathers Italian leather belts and stilettos thrown on the spur of an angry moment. Yes my mama was a professional at all kinds of lessons that involve torture but unfortunately she forgot to teach me the most important lesson of all 'under no circumstances shalt thou spit at random dudes'. I will never forgive her for this oversight, and neither will my ass.

He walloped me, right in the middle of the high street (or its African equivalent). 6 inch heels held firmly in both hands, I ran like the wind towards my mothers office, what better place to seek sanctuary than in the arms of the woman who bore you. BIG MISTAKE. He ran like a tornado, chased me right past the uniformed doormen and the revolving door whilst continuing trying to kick me with his size 13 Wien Brenner clad caveman feet. (who knew men could multi task). As misfortune would have it I bump into my mother (with random guy still in hot pursuit) waiting for me in the lobby. My mother being my mother takes charge of the situation, by take charge I mean she wanted to know, 1.why I was ten minutes late for our appointment, 2. why I was charging into her office like a shoeless crazed idiot whilst being chased by another equally crazed but shoe wearing idiot. Before I could utter a single word Crazed Shoe Wearing Idiot blurts out 'Ma I do not know this girl, can you imagine she spat at me right in my face, spat at me like i was dirt, common filth, can you imagine Ma?' .

I can not describe to you what took place after he uttered that sentence. All i will say is hell hath no fury than a mother whose child has just spat at a random stranger. She walloped me. Right there in the front lobby, in full view of the underpaid receptionist with a hairstyle she could barely afford on her wages and was clearly supplementing by being sugar daddied by my mothers deputy (a story for another day). In full view of the doorman with his weather chapped hands, roughened from years of carrying management briefcases and holding the door open for senior management like my mother who were not disabled but were apparently deemed wealthy or educated enough not to have to carry out such trivia as opening their own doors or carrying their own briefcases(again another post for another day). Briefly my mother turned to Random Shoe Wearing dude and said with her boardroom authority 'my son let me handle this' and took off her Zanotti heels and preceded to wallop me like a new bride pounding yam to impress her new in laws.

I danced the 'two step' my feet yoyoing on the marble floor as if i was stepping on hot coals as my mother attempted to educate me the best way she knew how. The door man tried to come to my rescue but nearly got his weather chapped hands (that he used to carry management briefcases) 'stilettoed' and quickly retreated. I guess he was more interested in saving his briefcase carrying hands than preventing my mother from 'domestic violencing' my arse. Its ironic that it was random show wearing dude that saved me, he knelt down arms raised in the air as if in surrender, and cried 'Ma i beg wo you leave the girl , she doesn't know any better, please ma.' By this time i was cowering behind him, seeking protection from the very person who ten minutes before I had so eagerly (with his encouragement if i might add ) spat at. My mother ordered me upstairs, and as i was getting into the lift I could hear her offering random shoe wearing dude some money "apparently for the indignity I had made him suffer" which he then had the indignity to accept. That was the best or the worst walloping I ever got (depending whether you were interviewing my mother or me). This walloping had been completely undeserved and up to this day I feel strongly that a great injustice was committed right there in that office lobby.

*rewind 15 minutes earlier*

You see I had met Random Shoe Wearing dude outside the bank as I was going to my mother's office. Granted i had spat at his face, looked him in the eye and then intentionally spat at him with all the force i could fathom, but he had asked me to, Literally asked me to spit in his face, his exact words were 'If you do not fancy me, like I fancy you, spit in my face and then i will know you mean it.' I had refused but he had insisted kept following me all the way from the Bank towards my mothers office. I asked him to stop following me as i would get into trouble if my mama saw me with a random shoe wearing dude but he insisted 'spit in my face to prove you are serious and i will leave you alone. I pleaded with random shoe wearing dude to leave me alone but he would not listen, 'spit in my face, he urged, spit at me or else I will follow you right into your mother's office. As we rounded the corner and I saw my mothers multi story office building looming in the distance I debated whether I should.....'spit in my face' he yelled with zeal enjoying the discomfort that he was putting me through. At that very moment I made my decision..' Spit in........'(I did not let him finish this sentence) I turned looked him in the eye and dutifully obliged.

fast forward 3 seconds later

He walloped me, right in the middle of the high street (or its African equivalent). 6 inch heels held firmly in both hands, I ran like the wind towards my mothers office.......................

58 comments:

Temite said...

I AM FURSTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Bibi said...

lmao. very funny but i don't really know who to support. ur mama, show wearing guy or you. hmm....(sighs) thats a hard nut to crack. Again, lmao. first timer but i will definitely be back. good stuff

iHeart! said...

that was classic! so funny. and you wrote it so well too!

you wanted to hide under ur mother's umbrella, but instead you found yourself in rehab... hehehe!

mizchif said...

LMAO!!!
Very well written piece.
Lucky u,at least u got walloped by some expensive Zannotis!

But na wa oh, u see why i miss my "ingenious" naija men? Where else would a right thinking man ask a lady to spit on him?
I guess now he knows to be careful what he asks for!

Saved Girl said...

LOL of my week, great post.

Afrobabe said...

lmao...he really asked for it...begged for it sef...yeye man..ouch babes, I feel ur pain and worse than the pain I feel ur shame....

RocNaija said...

Ohhh nooo! You didn't???!! Did you?
You actually spat?! Damn..
Well I gotta admit he had it coming.. He probably was using a well trusted line that had worked time and time again..
You bucked the trend..!

Tigeress said...

This Temite girl again!

Miss DM- this is a funny post. Did ur mum eventually find out why you spat in his face? Cos she literally paid off a pervert who was macking her daughter. lol!!

Temite said...

Awwwwwwwww and the moral of the story is to NEVER SPIT on a guy. VERYYYYY good story dear.

Funms-the rebirth said...

lmao..... oh no u didnt!!!!!!!!! and he had d gut to rihanna u? when he asked u to spit.....pls tell me u explained to ur mum and she applauded u for spitting?

bob-ij said...

lolololol....@ your being walloped...@ the guy really saying that. What was he expecting? @ you actually spitting on his face..You tried o!
lol
x!

Original Mgbeke said...

LOL!!! Hahahah, see devil..as you were jejely doing your own thing. And like someone said, at least you got whooped with some Zanottis and not payless or something. LOL

Nefertiti said...

lol eiyah sorry. but that man, nah devil send am. After begging for it, he earned u an ass whooping? Infact may Sango fashi his ass! (according to Temite)

Rita said...

LOL...He asked for it...or he didnt want the spit again?

Sorry oh...

Just...Toluwa said...

LMAO! wen i read the first paragraphs, i thot u must just spat at him for no good reason. Fast foward a couple of paragraphs, and WAT?

he asked for it now! so u get walloped twice for doing wat u were told...eeya!

but this was funny!

Padosh said...

I dont know wether to laugh at the drama or cry for you.
OMGoodness you poor thing.

Here i was thinking your mom would defend him. choi.

Hope your bruises have faded....,

poeticallytinted said...

OMG, OMG, OMG....

i suppose I should be coherent but OMG...

~Sirius~ said...

AH! Not funny those beatings, Not funny at all..........Can't imagine how you survived them.
Your pure innocent self.....what kind of guy asks a lady to spit on him anyways....Mschew!

LusciousRon said...

Wow. My mother has never raised her hands to hit me, no matter what. Her strength lies in the power of her words. You will wish for the cane, belt or any other physical outrage.

ShonaVixen said...

LMAO!!!Girl, he did ask for it though..he said spit and you spit..LMAO!!! Sorry though for the walloping you then got after that...pele o

Shubby Doo said...

this child!!! honestly?!!! you did this...spit ke...if so then u you did deserved it...but mehn, he sure did chris brown your ass...

p.s
as for your mother...much like mine

wordmerchant said...

hahahahahah...the man is a nutter. he probably didn't actually expect you to spit on him! lol.

Ha! mehn..african parents and beatings...its like they have a degree or phd in it. They do it effortlessly. Talent.

Jayla. said...

lmaoooooooooooooooo, dont even have anything to say.

laughed thruout the post and i swear my mum nearly started praying cos am really ill and have been moody all morning.

avagdro said...

That's funny.Thanks for sharing.Wish you and all the Mom's around the globe a tremendous joyful Mother's day.

lol:)
Send gifts to chennai|Send gifts to Bangalore|Send gifts to India

flabby said...

oh DM- what shall one do with you!!lol! 'spit in my face if you do not fancy me' say what now?

YoungBlackBeauty said...

Ok I'll admit, I was a little confused at first. Spitting on people to me warrants an ass whopping. Period. But then you explained why, so I guess..

Funny post.

pink-satin said...

geez...u really got rihann'd

Confessions of a London gal said...

Lol! LMAO!!!ROTF!!! Because of you, i may be out of a job soon! You need to see the way i was laughing uncontrollably when i read this post- and i am at work!!! I still cant stop laughing!!!
Lol @ ur title! See what Chris Brown has turned Rhianna's name into! lol

exschoolnerd said...

i like d way this post was written..


lol at the new word 'rihanned'


anyways thats wat my mumcy can do o!!!

lol..but he asked for it nau? mcheew...

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Temite, true never ever spit at random shoe wearing dudes lol. what is your secret? You are first on almost every blog

Bibi, me me me!!!!! he said spit, and I spat. Even a court of law would agree with me.

iHeart, LMAO at the play with words, I should have shouted SOS please someone help me.

Mizchif, what right thinking man for real???? Only in Africa do we have some of the worst chat up lines in the world.

Saved Girl, Thanks

Afrobabe, My mother humiliated me, at least it was before youtube, facebook blah blah blah that doorman would have whipped out his camcorder pretty quickly.

RocNaija, some men dont learn I could bet you he tried that line again with someone else after that incident.

Tigeress, she never ever gave me a chance to explain :-(

Funms, Can you imagine?????? Shameless man beating up a fine speciman of a female like me Lol nut you should have seen me running, all pretense at being HOT vanished, I ran like the wind.

Bob-ij, he said spit, and i dutifully obliged, I soooooo did not deserve that beating.

Original Mgebeke, Zanotti or Priceless, that woman domestic violenced my ass,, I should sue...seriously.

nefertiti, foolish man, I told him to leave me alone and he wouldnt listen, who in thier right mind says 'spit at me?'

Rita, I guess he thought I wouldnt go through with it, he didnt know who he was dealing with.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Just Toluwa, he said spit and I spat. I was just following instructions, I was raised to be obedient.

Padosh, no wonder i have a tight ass, its all those beatings that toned it lol

Poeticallytinted, thats exactly what i was shouting as she was tattooing my ass 'OMG, OMG, OMG!!!

Sirius, my sentiments exactly.

LuciousRon, wow can I be your mothers child if only for a day?

ShonaVixen, I guess he will never forget that day as long as he lives, wnder if he will ever tell the story to his grand kids?

Shubby, Girl random shoe wearing dude and my mother domestic violenced my ass, I should sue.

Wordmerchant, I think african parents wrote the manual of child beatings, my mother had mastered the science to perfection.

Jayla, Im glad I made you laugh, although it wasnt funny when I was getting my ass tattooed

Avagdro, thanks same to you.

Flabby, you cant blame a girl for following instructions.

youngBlackBeauty, if you dont want people spitting at you, dont ask them to!!!!!!!!!!

Pink satin, yes I did.

Confessions of a London girl, girl if you had witnessed that beating you would not be laughing right now

Exschoolnerd. he did ask for it. But my mother never gave me a chance to explain. She just heard the words 'spat at me' and saw red, and then my bottom saw red lol

Smaragd said...

lmbao!

paw miss dm! u've brought back memories i'd rather not remember, thank u very much! lol

great storyteller babe.

p.s., was just about to comment on ur post when ur comment at mine came in! lol

rayo said...

damn, u had me laffn lyk some crazy hyena. my oh my, y ur mama no hear ur syd of the story now?

Writefreak said...

Ah sorry o dearie!

Your mama is really tough...you sef, you couldn't miss a challenge! And that guy is so evil!!!

doll said...

What triggered dis particular memory…just wondering

Geebee said...

(Rolling on the ground in laughter) Oh lord, what a so much undeserved walloping . . . Yes indeed, that was injustice both from the guy (afterall he asked you to spit in his face. What a jerk!) and from your mum (she should have heard the whole story first but then a mum is a mum and she did what any good mum would have done). But come to think of it, what idiotic guy would ask a girl to spit in his face to prove that she’s not interested. I sure wouldn’t. Hahahahaha. I can’t help the laughter. In fact I’m laughing in Japanese. ***Wum yin yan won jung wing.*** I think you should be voted ‘Funniest blogger’ among others and hope my nomination gets you the title. lol

Beulah! said...

Very very funny header....U really got "Rihannad" oh!..hahahahhehehe..pele. The guy is a yeye person, alakoba, trouble maker person...pele

Olamild said...

hahahahahahah

Olamild said...

the dude was begging to be spat on?
what a weird fellow!

bumight said...

lol, are u sure ur mom and my mom didnt attend the same "school of practical life lessons"?

back in the day, i could not imagine what my mother would do if she saw me with a guy! fortunately i never let her, thus earning the nickname "green snake"!

LOL, im sure dude must have been using the line for a long time, didnt cross his little mind that u would spit...u sef u get liver!

simeone said...

lol.."random shoe wearing dude.."
you are just hilarious..and i concur..that was some great injustice ..

Therapy said...

LOOOOLLLLL. I'm so on your side he asked for it! Pele. LOL xx

yankeenaijababe said...

;lol...reminds me of my mum sometimes. I enjoyed this post...waiting for update.

scribble,me.free said...

AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!

blogrolled!!lol..ur momsie didnt even wait to hear the full gist?

Spit in my face! lol...dude had it coming

theicequeen said...

lmaooooooooooooooooooooo...i can safely say this is one of the best stories i've read!!! LOL! ur mom is tew funnnnyyyyyy!!!

but guy with shoes was asking for it naw, and even being insistent....be careful what you wish for ba?

reaaaaly nicely written!

clnmike said...

WOW!

I dont know who is wrong in this one.

Emeka Amakeze said...

You should have told him to go stand before an oncoming truck to prove to you that he fancied you.

city girl said...

my mum thought me the exact thing....... i wonder why ive never been here...oh no u didnt!!! u spat on him? girl u got guts!!!! thats d spirit

Anonymous said...

Buahahahah I just had a good 'ole belly laff. Tew funny. U got walloped indeed.

Thanks for the laffs!!

Buttercup said...

lol!

what the hell was his problem??? he asked for it, didnt he??????

damn..mothers..just when u need their support they do the opposite..lolllllll!

Geebee said...

I forgot to add this in my comment earlier on. Rihannad is just the perfect word and I propose a motion to the founders of English Language. Let’s add ‘Rihannad’ into the English dictionary
rihannad- /ri’ha’nad/- To be beaten black and blue or given a serious down-ass whooping by a random or not random guy. Do I get a witness? Oya, forward march to English Dictionary House, U.K.

rethots said...

Beautiful....... simply beautiful.

blogoratti said...

lol @ 'spit in my face'. Funny how some people can't handle what they ask after...
Now that was some serious thrashing!! Funny thing is -i'm sure if he had eventually followed you to her office, it might have turned out to be a lot worse. lol!

poeticallytinted said...

You have an award at mine. Come and claim. please.

Therapy said...

I second Geebee's motion ;)

The Girl with the Red Hair said...

Can't say who to wrong, the random shoe wearing dude who could not accept the fact that yu would dare spit at him, even though he asked for it or You mom, who felt you had not learnt from all her years lessons or you definately made the wrong choice and got the walloping, she thought to escape. Well girl you got some strong nerve and the post is really interesting

flabby said...

but where r u???

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Smaragd, 'great minds think alike

Simeone, up to now I dont even know his real name lol

Therapy, Yes he did ask for it, too bad i 'got it' instead.

Poeticallytinted, thanks for the award Sweets

Clnmike, I was the one wronged

Citygirl, thanks for stopping by

GeeBee, Im matching with you

IceQueen, Thank you.

Yankeenaijababe, glad I aint the only one.

Emeka, ha ha ha I should have thought of that one

Blogoratti, you can never win with some mothers

Scribbleme free, she never asked me the full story and i never dared to open my mouth



Rethots, whats beautiful about being beaten black and blue, boy you ought to sympathise

The girl with the red hair, thanks girl.