'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sleepless in Seattle.............

Okay so it wasn't Seattle, and definitely not involving Meg Ryan, far from it, I am to Meg Ryan as the third division is to the premiership: unmentionable in the same sentence totally taboo. Having said that who buys a season ticket to third division matches? That's like asking for a PlayStation 3 for your birthday and getting a PlayStation 1, not quite the same thing, is it?
Tonight Definitely Maybe and Meg Ryan discover they have something in common, only unlike Meg I do not have the backup plan of a dishy radio DJ in the form of Tom Hanks to lull me to sleep. The hours roll by 0012...then 0210 ....0224..then 0313 I start to lose count, I give up clock watching, get up, plod down the stairs (I say plod because my body fat mass ratio does not allow me to do anything else.) to raid the fridge, but there is nothing....wait I tell I lie, there was a big tub of butter and shrivelled remains of what looks like spring onions or is it green beans? on closer inspection it looks and smells like left over leeks. I close the door and plod back upstairs again. Shrivelled remains...reminds me of my broken shrivelled heart. Everything i see is an acronym of my life, a young lady without an umbrella getting soaked in the rain, a candle snuffed out by a big gust of wind, broken glass in the car park remnant of a car theft the previous evening, a cat wandering the streets way past midnight...its probably lost its way home and wondering if its owner will come searching or simply switch off the lights and go to his bed..even the world without words is depicting my life. 97,96,95.....83.....54... I try to count sheep, I reach 23 and give up its 0630 nearly time to wake up. I sit and stare at the cloudless sky, I want answers but all I get is rain. Rain falling on my window sill and its not even October, rain falling in my heart yet outside the world continues to sleep whilst I weep. Is it a curse of the troubled mind that it can not sleep...It knows no rest. Its not that I miss YT(there we go again), I still do but tonight its about much more than that. I feel robbed, I feel cheated...I run out of words..but my heart weeps the story whose words I cant utter. I long for my eyes to close, welcome the bliss and solitude that is sleep... for in the comfort of my dreams I can take refuge from this my life if only for an hour or two until the alarm clock rings. I give up plod back downstairs......I switch on the TV and turn on the lights....... the movie begins...Meg takes to the stage.....tonight just for one night we have something in common.....for tonight jus like Meg Ryan I'm sleepless in Seattle..........

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Guilty Pleasures..........

Some things are just not meant to be good for you, they might make you smile and become all warm and fuzzy inside but they are still not good for you. Guilty pleasures, our little slices of heaven with dollops of hell as dessert, irresistible you've just got to eat it, drink it,buy it, sell it , do it,have him, date her. Like moths to the light, caution thrown to the wind, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Living in the moment, we become careless, like modern day Goliath's fearless of the impending consequences. That 12 oz cake at tea time, foolish impulsiveness, suddenly your dress size 8 becomes a 16, that one night stand behind the pub, steamy and sizzling without a thought that today's unprotected sex is tomorrows gonorrhea syphilis or HIV. What makes us live in the moment, so oblivious to the danger and repercussions to follow? What is it about our sense of being, that can make us throw months of hard work, tough fitness regime, careful budget ting, safe sex practices for the simple benefit of 2, 3 7 or maybe 20 minutes of pleasure followed by disproportionate amount of pain via weight gain, job loss, bankruptcy and STD's. As human beings have we some secret fetish for pain and suffering that we plunge headlong into the roaring flames and hope we come out unscathed? My guilty pleasure that isn't supposed to be good for me called last night. Yes none other than Yours Truly (YT), you are all probably sick of hearing his name, but maybe just maybe in the process of blogging him to death, I just might, even if its just a teeny itsy bit of a chance blog him right out of my heart!!. My heart skipped a bit, tummy doing somersaults grand enough to pre qualify me for the Chinese Olympics had I the stamina to enter. Knees weak, voice all squeaky and mousy, suddenly I'm transformed from the confident woman who was at the acceptance stage of grief and ready to embrace my singleness into this quivering jungle of a mess ready to scream 'take me Back' Take me Back YT suddenly weeks of a careful and long drawn effort to get over YT count for nought. My guilty pleasure, speaking to YT is my guilty pleasure, reminds me why I first feel in love with him, still am in love with him despite YT having RTS (returned to sender) the tiny little shreds of glass wrapped in cellophane, yes that was all that what was left of my heart when YT did the dirty with Face book friend. 3hrs of pure undiluted dollops of guilty pleasure hearing his voice across the miles, across the phone......... I'm caught in the moment, mindless of the fact that he broke my heart, mindless of the fact that it still hurts, mindless of the fact that I need time to recover, get him out of my system, heedless of the fact that when I get off the phone I'll probably cry......... Its pleasure and its guilty and I'm loving every single 180mins of it...... He cracks a joke I laugh..... pays a compliment and I blush.....he pauses......drops his voice and whispers "You know what Definitely Maybe, I've never stopped loving you," It is at that precise moment I realise that warm fuzzy feelings or no warm fuzzy feelings, some things no matter how much they make you smile and throw caution to the wind are still guilty pleasures.................. not meant to be good for you

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

.....And Lead us not into temptation

Not that I would ever want to be in Eve's position, yes that Eve, the Eve from the garden of Eden, that Eve who allegedly cursed all women kind into experiencing a somewhat terrifying version of Friday the 13th but with a happy ending called Child birth, lucky then that when she committed that fateful faux pas, did the deed with the serpent she was at that point the only female on earth. I shudder to think what would have happened to her had a lynch mob of women been present on the fateful day when Eve learnt her fate for her trespasses. Without a doubt Eve wouldn't have survived that indiscretion.....hell hath no fury like women who feel they are being punished for the indiscretions of another.
Okay in case you are wondering I'm not going to go all Hallelujah brother Jesus on you. I got thinking about Eve coz sometime this afternoon definitely Maybe felt as if she was having that same conversation Eve had with the serpent in Eden. Only that DM's Eden was her desk during a lunch break and the serpent none other than 'The One who Got Away' henceforth known as TOWGA for short. Now don't be confusing Yours Truly (YT) with Towga. Towga was way before YT's time (yeah between you and I, I've been round the block a bit). Towga would have been my back up spouse just in case things did not go according to plan with YP ( well obviously save for the small glitch in the plan which was in the form of Towga's current live in girlfriend and the daughter they have together....but that's a story for another post). Towga was the love of my youth before the love of my entire life universe and soul YT came into the picture. Towga is the one that taught me all about love before I went to the State of the art Swiss finishing school called YT, You get the drift YT was the main actor and Towga the under study, Towga a pretty good meat free vegan substitute to YT's 12oz T Bone steak of a man. Not that I'm planning to eat any of the two but no doubt if I was to pick any man in the world who YT had to fear in terms of urpsing him from being Mr Definitely Maybe, then it wouldn't be Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Blair Underwood (well i tell I lie it would have been Blair Underwood had there been even the faintest whiff that I could bag him ) but for the purposes of this post it was Towga. Not that YT had anything to fear from Towga , after all in my eyes YT was the world's greatest, right up there with Muhammad Ali not that I've had Muhammad Ali that is (but if he is offering....). Okay so back to the garden of Eden...Towga phones me this afternoon (having caught wind of the fact that Definitely Maybe is single again via the evil medium of face book updates). After asking about my health ( not the sexual health that would have been too obvious wouldn't it?), he drops the bombshell, Live in Girlfriend plus daughter are away visiting the in laws in Zimbabwe and his decided to take a little vacation and catch up with Definitely Maybe visit for a few days, nothing dodgy everything above board. (yeah right I'm thinking I know the kind of catching up you wanting to do alright.......). I must admit I was tempted, nothing like a rebound relationship without the potential to go anywhere, to help me get over YT and propel me right into the I'm single and I'm going to make the most of it phase. But I don't roll like that, as much as it sounds tempting YT is very much a part of who I am and it would take someone twice maybe thrice as nice as YT and definitely more than 10times as nice as Towga (minus the complications of the live in girlfriend and the daughter) to get Miss Definitely Maybe to get past the I miss YT phase into the 'Can someone please taste my kitty Kat stage' so as my cellphone rings and I see once again its Towga on the prowl, I cant help but say a quick prayer, Lord please lead me not into temptation....................

Monday, July 28, 2008

If you're Happy and You know it...........

if you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
Clap your hands
If you happy and you know it
And you really want to show it............
Well you all know how the rest of that rhyme goes, a bit silly really. Not that anyone will want to be seen not clapping least 'the others' discover how sad and lonely our lives actually instead we all happily clap along as if our lives are one big merry go around and we don't want to get off.Which brings me swiftly to Yours Truly. Well Yours Truly (from hence forth YT) is the man who Definitely Maybe was going to gallop down the alter with. Yes gallop not walk, DM was not going to leave any room for cold feet so a nice gentle gallop towards the alter to get that blood rushing and those feet blazing hot. Well to cut a long story short YT galloped alright, straight into the arms of Miss Face book Friend. Yeah face book don't get me started on that one, its right up there in the boyfriend snatcher top ten with them high school reunion and myspace websites you all know what I'm talking about but that's a post for another day. Okay back to being happy. I met YT and Face book Friend at the neighbourhood barbecue the other day, well it wasn't exactly by prior appointment. If I had known I would have worn my Im sooooooooo over you jeans together with my cropped top that screams I'm single and available (and maybe a little slutty) . YT and Face book friend just had to say hie trying to act like there is no bad blood between us. They looking all happy and having that 'we are so in love and its forever' kinda look. I'm dying to run away from there but instead I smile widely like a moronic fool and say rather loudly I'm doing great, fabulous, I'm having sooo much fun being single loving each and every day, I Have time to do all those things I ever wanted to, I'm catching up with my friends, there is this bloke that I have started to see but I'm not soo sure as there is another quite so wealthy guy asking me out. I'm doing great just marvelous. YT acting all cool shrugs and says "well I'm happy for you but if you ever need a friend........" (as if). Tried my best to ignore them, tried to flirt (dismally) with all the guys at Barbee just to show YT that I'm sooooo over you. which I'm not. I've cried, I have wept, I have screamed till my voice is hoarse. I'm not eating, I have scrawled I miss YT in my diary in big felt pens, I've been spying on him and Face book Friend on face book, myspace, high school reunion. Yeah I got it that bad but when the speakers start blaring the good old 'if you happy and you know it nursery rhymes look out for the girl with the huge grin on her face clapping the hardest and singing the loudest coz Yes I'm Happy and I really want to show it!!!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Notches on my Bedpost

Not that I have a chastity belt tied round my waist but surely in this highly sexuliased world we living in the fact that I can still count the number of men who have tasted my kitty Kat on one hand should surely count for something? Was tallying up my notches this afternoon, with Yours Truly shown the exit door.....well not really we all know how that horse bolted, didn't have the courtesy to use the door smashed right through my window leaving broken glass everywhere......well the window in my heart that is, smashed it into pieces and stamped on it as well, but hey whose complaining I'm happy remember!!!! Anyway with Yours Truly gone I'm petrified that a couple of replacements or rather rebound relationships later will propel me firmly into the 'I need two hands to count my notches club' Not that there is anything wrong with having a fair amount of notches on your post. hell in this day and age of sexual liberation why not? But I have always been the conservative type, the type that finishes undressing in bed, the type that would rather make love in the dark, yes the I'm having great sex but I don't want to talk about it type so you can understand why I'm a bit frantic about moving into the two hands notches clubs. So it was a gloomy and worried Definitely Maybe revisiting her options this afternoon torn between becoming celibate and abstaining, not that I have a choice, its not as if the Brad Pitts of this world are breaking down my Kitty Kat door trying to enter. Why is it its the quantity of sexual partners that matters not the quantity or the quality of the encounters? Does someone who has had ten one night stand stand in the same boat as someone who has had ten sexual partners? How many notches are just about right notches is it 5 10 20 or 100? Why is it men were handed a better bargain when it came to bedpost rules because for men the more the notches the higher you rank in esteem but for women start creeping past your second hand into using your toes too and you are labelled by vocabulary which is strictly not for the ears of u18's. Come to think of it I know quite a few women who when it comes to bedpost notches can only count up to five. take my friend Rubber Duck (you get the drift) was on notch number 5 when we last compared notes but one year and 33 one night stands later she still insists she is still on notch number 5. Ridiculous yes but such is societies narrow minded and intolerant view of women's sexuality that we are forced to be creative when tallying up our notches, so if ever another relationship should ever crop up on the horizon it will still be an anxious Definitely Maybe hoping fervently that the fact that she can still count her notches on one hand will count for something.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bills Bills Bills

I know lonely and sad when I see it. Its 0152 in the morning. the girls have all gone to bed and switched off the lights, am writing the blog in the dark using the light from my phone as a guide when i need to see the keys on the key board. how low can one get, I really need to get a life. speaking of which at the moment mine is pretty non existent or I wish it was anyway, have bills loads of bills been letting them slide thinking they will go away, but if you have ever had dealings with the debt collectors you willl know they are the sort that never go anyway infact the dude will even camp at your door step the whole day or even three depending on where you have told your partner to pretend you have gone. The dude goes 'have you got anything of value? ' as if I would freely give him that information like yeah I have got a sony xiao laptop plus a state of the art surround system not to mention the 50 inch sony plasma with HDTV I recently just bought.
yes I have recently bought one of them 50inch what nots. i know a person with such bad debt has no business shelling out 1500 quid on them non essentials but in my defense I had a really good reason for buying it, it was literally the difference between life and death for me. was very depressed having recieved three maybe six of them final notice letters as if I would finally pay up, (you wonder what types of idiots work for those credit collection departments.) why in the world if I have managed to ignore the first notice, the second, the third and the not so polite forth notice would they think that by changing the number from 3 to final i would suddenly do the right thing (actually the unthinkable thing in my case ) and pay up?
okay i was very depressed and suicidal thoughts roaming in my mind. not that I was thinking of killing myself but it helps get you really depressed, anyway i then passed this electrical shop and thought what a good way to know what forget it if you really want to know I just saw the damn thing, liked it and bought it, so you can shove that up the debt collectors bottom when you see him cause final notice or final final final notice I aint paying up!!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Create some room in your head.........

......for my scribbles and squiggles
allow me to vent
laugh with me
Cry with me
Dance with me
help me unravel the scribbles and squiggles in my head so that I can begin to understand me, make sense of what it means to be my mother's child.
This blog will be a chance for me to put into words what my heart feels, desires , needs, hopes and aspires for. This blog will be mainly about me, my life and those that have touched my life in any possible way whether good or bad.....