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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Of spiders, webs and intricate snares



"Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!"

Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832)

She's got a face; I found out that day, that she had a face. Not that I thought she was headless, or faceless or had a huge hole where her head should have been, I just never imagined her with a face that’s all.


It wasn’t a mirror, neither was it on the wall. It was an email with 163kb worth of attachments I had no prior warning, got the ping to say 'I got mail' scanned for viruses, spyware and adware, 23kb worth of attachments given the all clear. And there she is staring me straight in the eyes, a close up, a full frontal view and a half body shot to show off the jugs. In one she was smiling, in the other she was frowning, and in the rest she struck a defiant pose as if to say 'sowatcha gonnae do??????'

Not that I was going to reach out through the computer screen and punch her perfect almost Eurocentric nose out of line, but I had spent 7 bloody months wondering how she looked like, almost to the point of obsession. I used to wonder if she was fat or she was slim, if she was pretty, stunning or just plan ugly. Not that it would have made a difference or given her or me a defence. Part of me wants to call her the other woman, but that would be lying, for she calls me too the other woman. But to be fair with all the hoo-ha and the palaver that has surrounded out three way relationship, like the earth our positions have rotated, so much so that somehow the lines got blurred about who was the bitch and who was the rightful heir to the throne as the flesh of his ribs. Not that the position was vacant, we have both occupied it at so many stages of our lives that we could probably not do without the other.

Whilst I held a carefree indifference about her or her apparently tragic situation, (I say apparently for what I knew I had gleamed whilst he was cushioned on my bosom), she loathed me with a passion that is best reserved for those intimate of lovers, or with so much venom that were it from a snake it would be none other than the black mamba or the Fierce Snake (Oxyuranus microlepidotus) which has 100 times more venom than any snake known to men.

My crime is not that I stole what belonged to her, for what I stole she had already taken from me before I snatched it from her after she grabbed it from me..... (Let me stop coz it’s making me all dizzy), my crime was I had lied about her which apparently to her was tantamount to rigging the vote or foul play, or whatever. Personally I think she was just grasping at straws trying to find a reason to hate me and hate what I represented, I think deep down she feared that had she given her heart the chance to get to know me, she might have grown to love me, and that could not happen. At the very least it would open up a can of worms, that commonsense would dictate was best left unopened. In the great scheme of things, the dimensions of our three way relationship are so complex that they are best left undefined.

Okay back to the no longer headless body, strange that curiosity did not kill this cat, instead it gave it another lease of life, it what sense I could not best describe but I felt complete as if another piece of the jigsaw was firmly in place and I could delegate that piece of my brain that had been so pre occupied with wanting to put a face to the persona on to other perhaps more productive business than that which it had engaged in. Conflicting emotions, as I gazed at her image, almost passing for a body double of my very own and yet we were very different in a way that complimented each other, otherwise we would not have managed to co-exist and rotate on the same axis Mother Nature would not have allowed.

Somehow by having a face she has humanised the whole plot, added another complex moral dilemma to this intricate web of confusion, anyone who has listened to a show on the radio and then later had the opportunity to watch it on TV would know what I am on about. Although I deleted the images for my hard drive capacity will not allow me to do otherwise, I’m sure her image will remain emblazoned in the secret cove of my brain that I dare not open unless held at gunpoint. Somehow I wonder if having now been alerted to the fact that there is indeed a face to the body, will that change the dynamics of our relationship.

Do we want to change the complex web of confusion? or as I suspect we have become interdependent, metamorphosed into one being, one soul....maybe we ought to accept the uncomfortable truth that just like the true meaning of light would be lost were it not for the presence of darkness, we can not all exist without one another.....but looking at the images again confirms what I already fear.......that we already have.........

Just like you, I’m probably struggling to make sense of this post, this muse, this complex web of confusion. Somehow it feels right to flow with the confusion, for some intricate tales are best illustrated in abstract form.

31 comments:

aloted said...

hmm ...not even sure what to say..think i need to re-read this.

meanwhile..hope all is well at ur end?

oh looks like i am 1st o..:D

ShonaVixen said...

2nd!!!

somehow i'm wiv you Aloted...i'll comment later coz I'm getting tangled up just reading this..so that must be good right???...

Funms said...

so many interpretations from what i read. firstly, thats such an intriguing write up. good job..
ok. i have 2 explanations to share, both of u may be sharing a man, or she may be ur long lost real mother.
wait, let me read again..... how r u doing?

Shubby Doo said...

Venom of a black mamba...ouch...u probably would have been friends...truth is men stick 2 type or the downgrade 2 someone who 'needs' them...what did u do 2 her that amounted 2 a distortion of the truth & forged her fury? Next time deal with man... Not the other woman... he deserves the wrath of a black widow.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

aloted, you are indeed first. Im good fighting a lot of battles with my conscience (that might be my next post actually)

Shona, you have definitely lost some of your stamina, there was a time when you would always be first lol

Funms, thanks, im good girl but need to do a bit of soul searching, my life is running away with me at the moment, back to the post good on you coz you might be closer to the truth than you think.

Shubby, i secretly think that in another life we were best friends for how else would you account for the passion, the venom...sometimes you can despise someone so much that you actually come full circle, they become a part of your existence and you wouldnt be you with them (the essence of your venom). Its true there is a thin line indeed between love and hate.....But she is not really the other woman.......

Bondgirl said...

You write so well that I am already hooked on this blog when I should be writing things for my own but your honesty is refreshing. And even if your situation is unknown the feelings you have expressed reflect so many of my own in various relationships I have had...very thought provoking!

doll said...

don’t know wat to say, but Try to get closure somehow

chi-grace said...

KILL HER!!!!
...just joking....I too am confused. I am off to read it again.
xoxo

Hunter girl said...

k...at first i felt foolish for not understanding your post but after reading thru the other comments....i can freely admit that i too am confused!!!!

But in some way i think that is what you were trying to achieve...perhaps...the ultimae web of confusion...oh what tangles of deception we weave..only to become interwoven ourselves...huntergirl 2008!!!LOLLLLL ??

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

ok, that was deep, sha.

But, whatever life throws at you, you can overcome it. We are all wonderfully made, despite our imperfections. And we can overcome the trials sent our way. You will.

Take care and nice blog. My first time here so, here's a belated welcome to blogville, my sista.

Rita said...

I think the labels to this post helped to clarify some parts of how I felt while reading this post...:-)

this is a very touching post...I feel if you wallow in guilt and thoughts, you will not enjoy the best of the relationship...if this is a learning point for you, take the lessons learnt and move on...this is easier said than done but it is possible.

Yesterday is gone and you have a beautiful tomorrow awaiting to embrace you...take it...

My first time here...just like ur profile pix...and ur blog...

lulu said...

just came, tryna read this post...again

lulu said...

i like thee joker though

Mz. Dee said...

damn i loved the endin!

Well said girl..

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

okay
an apology to y'all for writing such an abstract post.
Im glad it didnt put you off reading it though. Actually when I first thought about writing this post I was going to narrate what exactly happened in plain english, but I was too much of a coward. Not that I have anything to fear, but I realised that up until i started writing this post I had never actually confronted the 'truths' about this three way relationship. Actually I feared that were I to let the drama unfold more clearly and plainly i might perhaps thru the insight of others be forced to confront that which I did not want to, perhaps to take my portion of the blame for weaving this intricate mess. something perhaps I am unable or rather more accurately unwilling to do. But not revealing to myself the truth plainly in black and white Im probably content to lie to myself that it is an intricate web of confusion that can not be unravelled...for like i said in the post some tales are best left untold or illustrated in abstract form......

xxx MDM

Aijay said...

Wow! Babe, thats deep. Truly lost for words...

Laughter said...

Hmmn, sometimes i feel like iknow you but then i guess it is the tale you tell and how you tell it.

One thing i have come to realise in this life is that mistakes make you come out stronger, not making one will not pull out the soldier or survivor in you.

You have come this far and you will do better, talking about it or writing it down also helps as that is known as the healing process. My dear, you will come out as the winner and i am rooting for you and when that pit sometimes known as depression is beckoning, remember that someone out there called Laughter loves you. You will be alright darl.

Esmeralda said...

u definitely are a writer! there is no maybe here...lol

could u just maybe put in more paragraphs,and maybe change the colour of your font? it might make reading ur really deep stories easier.

i like the ...what i stole from her that she grabbed from me... line! articulately confusing!

ShonaVixen said...

MDM so true...i need to reclaim the top-spot on this BLOG!!!Note to self*start stalking MDM*..lol...

mona said...

okay.my head is swirling...is this about knowing how "the other woman" looks like and the dimensions an complexities involved with finally attaching a face with a woman you have shared so much with so to speak ( sharing the same man, thinking about each other etc) ? but it is possible to actually get attched in some weird warped way to the other woman especially after a long time of knowing of each otehrs existence.it can become an obsession.

OluwaDee said...

For some reason, the mistakes i have made have only made me stronger and better.

its best to let go of the past, n learn ensure that our mistakes make us better.

Be bold.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

bondgirl, everyone's tale is similar for we all travel done the same road 'womanhood'. There is no expierence you will ever have that is yet untold.

Doll it is not I that needs closure, unless perhaps with it comes redemption ;-)

Chi-grace, no doubt someone might have indeed died, there are many more deaths than the eternal one, some have known so much pain that is akin to a death of the heart....the soul.

Huntergirl, my intention was not to confuse, all I was tryin to do was tell a tale that can not be told, now how can one achieve such a feat without leaving a trail of confusion........

Solomonsydelle, a warm welcome is never late its always recieved with the warm that it was given. Although i have learnt how to overcome what life throws at me im yet to master the art of overcoming life its self.

Rita, thanks for the compliment, you are so right yesterday is gone although not forgotten, we live and learn and perhaps make the same mistakes, but would you judge me if I say I learnt nothing.....

Lulu I apologise for the confusion,

Mz Dee Thank you for you have a fan in me.

ibiluv said...

so u have him back????????

gloat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Aijay thanks for stopping by

Laughter it means a lot thanks, I absolutely love your name (I know I keep saying this) but I always smile when I read it.

esmeralda, thanks for the advice hope its easier to read no that I've tried to make a few changes

Shona, put on your runnning shoes girl lol

Mona, perhaps I should just erase my post and put up what you wrote (its less confusing and spot on )except you got who is who mixed up ;-)

Oluwadee if something was done with fore thought is it ever a mistake or is it more of a regret? I get you girl though.

Ibiluv, I can not gloat, she might have gloated were it not for the fact I stole her thunder.

Funms said...

yay!!! im on top 10 of ur blog stalkers!... lol

Red Sapphire said...

uhmmmm....deep sighs...real deep stuff..still looking around, its my first tyme here....really cool stuff...

Emilia said...

I thought I was the only one didn't quite get it until I saw the other comments..felt better about myself it was abstract

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Funms LOL am flattered too

red sapphire, thanks and welcome to blogsville

emilia, my apologises for the abstractness (if such a word exists) hope it will make sense with time. thanks for stopping by though.

mona said...

ok, does that mean you're the other woman? im confused...

Tigeress said...

Miss DM- how i wish we cld have a sit-down. lol!! I take it this blog is about you sharing a man with another woman who's was there b4 u? Shii happens....we've all been thru it and survived. But remember who the culprit is- the dude. Too many boys out there Miss DM, too many!

Mista Jaycee said...

Damn! What a calamity!
Jaycee