'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Conversations with my inner man ............

*long post as usual*
The past week has been quite hectic mental wise for me. I meant to post this last week (which is the week im referring to) but like i mentioned in my previous post there was a lot of stuff in my head I couldnt make sense of , loads of squiggles and scribbles. I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week and this post probably reflects a lot of the turmoil and confusion as I had conversations with my inner man.

Several things have happened some which are life changing in the great scheme of things but are too boring to blog about, some which I cant blog about without seriously invading the privacy of some extremely private individual, some which I promised never to blog about again...which then leaves me with very little I can share about the events of this past week. YT has been in touch not that its in anyway relevant to this post but i thought I would give him a mention in case some of you might be wondering what happened to him (and no a bus did not run him over like a fellow blogger wished, he is still alive and kicking.. lol) but its good that we might have come full circle back to the point of just being msn friends like we were in the beginning.... nothing complicated.

I'm kinda annoyed that I'm no longer affected by my previous relationship with YT not that I wanted to carry on hurting forever but now that my friends and family know that he has been relegated to jus being one of the X's and a friend they are no longer willing to keep bank rolling the MDM must recover soon project. they are no longer willing to be ready and willing with special favours, treats and spoiling me in a bid to get me on the road to recovery quick quick. Like during my period of mourning my aunt didn't think twice about giving me her designer bag and just this previous week she has come to collect it saying that now that I have recovered I don't need it (the cheek). My friends who about a month ago this time would have gladly taken me out and paid and bought drinks are now asking me to contribute to the night out kitty. So you must understand why i miss the pampering which has rapidly disappeared coz im happy again.....ah well guess will have to be content with waiting until the next heartbreak lol.

I think this week was a roller coaster week for me, loads of rainbows, sunshine, silver linings kisses and cuddles that like the pessimist that I am I'm thinking this ship is bound to crash pretty soon. Work is great, home life couldn't be better, relationship wise I'm content, it feels really sexy and liberating to be able to say to potential suitors who come aknocking 'yes Im single but I'm not available', but the attention is good (well annoying sometimes) but being called beautiful/sexy/hot etc has never really landed anyone in hospital has it. But for some reason this week I have also been doing a lot of soul searching. Which brings us to the subject of the post today

Conversations with my inner man...........

And lead me not into temptation
but above all
save me
Save me oh Lord I pray
deliver me from my worst enemy
for she threatens to consume me
From my tormentor within,
rescue me from myself
Save me from what my experience with him is moulding me into
Rescue me from this person that I've become.

How is it possible that one can do/perform/take part/participate/experience a perfectly ordinary normal 'thing' but feel remarkably ashamed and guilty afterwards? is it the act itself that makes it wrong or is it your feelings after the act that makes the act wrong or is it I have crisscrossed emotionally so many times between doing whats good and that which is bad that in the confusion my conscience which dictates my morality can no longer distinguish whats right from whats wrong? (and no I'm not referring to sex lol)

I'm wondering why?
Its just one of those days and Im wondering why.......
Im wondering why you said you would never leave,
yet your feet were halfway through the door.
Why you asked for my heart
yet all you needed was to hold my head.
Why you made me your princess
When what you really needed was a queen
Its just one of those days and im wondering how
How you could say I was your star
and forget to tell me you owned the milk way
How you can promise to make me happy
yet all you do is make me cry
How you plan to take me to the moon
when you've never owned a spaceship
How friends can swear to have your back
yet stab you in the front?
Im wondering how you planned to bring me the universe
When you yet to conquer the earth
I wonder why we claim to be lovers
yet all we are, are fcukers
Im wondering why those we love never stay
Or why we never love those that stay
Im wondering how one can use a million words
yet say absloutely nothing
How one can lie naked on the floor
and yet not reveal nothing
why someone can say forever when all they mean
is we will see.
Guess its one of those days I'll have to keep wondering why?

For the first time

For the first time in my life (well not strictly true but near enough) I apologised to someone first. I said ssorry without adding a but at the end or tryna justify myself. For the first time I didnt care about being always right or thinking I know everything or winning a fight. For the first time I said Im sorry without expecting to be automatically forgiven, I apologised and meant it. For the first time it wast all about me, and what I want, what I think and me having my own way. For the first time I understand what it means to be humble and its a good feeling. Although Im yet to get an acknnowledgement of my admission to being wrong, I dont mind, for I think I have learnt an improtant lesson that sometimes its okay not to be always right..........and admit it.

Questions for my pastor that will at best remain 'un-asked'

Can you 'do' somebody so many times that you earn the right to be called a legitimate fcuk and absolve yourself of the guilt that is normally associated with being the other woman........?

Since when has being some one's girlfriend/concubine/person he is seeing/ earned the same 'though shall not trespass on my land legal rights as you would be entitled to if you were actually married to someone?

should I feel any shame/remorse/ guilt and ask for forgiveness for my trespasses if i break up said not biblical or traditionally officially union?

If God intended said not yet legal unions to be unbreakable instead of saying 'what God has joined together let no man put asunder' would he not have chosen his words differently and said 'what God is most likely to join together in the future do not put asunder right now lest it will not successfully be joined together in the future because of your putting it asunder?

If it is perfectly okay (biblical and traditional wise) to have two or more wives, should then the other women not be referred to as sluts/prostitutes/hos/goldiggas and be respectfully referred to as 'legitimate wives in the making?

I ask my dear pastor not to absolve myself or anyone else of any guilt, but I ask so that maybe I can find some justification for that which once upon a time in my ignorance I swore I would never become............


Rita said...

I am deeply moved by your captured it with some humour yet that doesn't change the fact that it is heart-touching...speaking the same words many of us recite with each relationship....

I pray you find the answers to all your questions, find them deep inside of you...

BTW, you are a beautiful writer...

aloted said...

ok i confess..this post was not as confusing as your last to me...:)

i can feel your pain in some way...and i pray things become clearer...

matters of the heart can only be dealt with by God..i believe.

it is well

Rebirth said...

sorry d pampering is over......... ;)

wow, thought provoking questions and words...... i wonder about some of ur questions....

btw "How is it possible that one can do/perform/take part/participate/experience a perfectly ordinary normal 'thing' but feel remarkably ashamed and guilty afterwards?"...... i feel like that sometimes. i wonder why?

Unknown said...

Hello Miss,

thanks for the love. I'm getting back on my feet.

I'm on a new mission to read all your previous posts.

How r u?

flabby said...

as in wow!
somehow i can totally relate to you
maybe its the way things crisscross in ur mind..i get that!
but wow!
i loove the way u write!


doll (retired blogger) said...

Am happy u are over it, peace of mind is more important than all the designer bags and pampering. LOL.

ShonaVixen said...

Dang...ok i made it to 5th place not bad @ all but heey m trying not to be on blogville on weekends(uni's started) thats why i didnt make the first slot..yeah yeah an excuses from ShonaVixen!!
Enjoyed reading I'm wondering Why!! Your writing flows so beautifully...great job hon!
Yeah, being humble is notable and a great feeling...apologising first = admirable!!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Rita, thanks for the compliment, and Im holding you to your word about those prayers, I could use some divine intervention.

Aloted, Im glad you are begining to understand me and they way i think. I know its not easy, I can hardly understand myself.

Funms, hey I was counting on you to give me some 'answers' instead of asking the same questions lol. Please if you do have any designer bags lying about help a sister out, am still grieving lol.

Aloofar, I guess seeing u doing blog rounds means you are fully recovered now. thanks for stopping by dont be a stranger now.

Flabby, I expierence the same feeling when I read some of your posts on blogsville, I suppose in a way we are all different but our expierences makes us similar almost as if our lives are entertwinned.I see u have been having your own 'conversations with your mind' Nice Blog.

Doll if you have a designer bag I will trade you my peace of mind anytime lol. Just joking I miss the pampering but I know its more important that I am happier now, all the same its nice to be spoilt.

Shona Vixen, girl you better put on your running shoes and practice you are definitely slacking lol. Thanks for the compliment(about my writing).... its only because I have been taking notes when I visit your blog. ps you will never be my accountant when Im rich and famous, your maths skills suck u are 7th and not 5th LOL

greyamethyst said...

Hey missy, i really like your blog,very inspiring.Ur blog is very refreshing.I thank God the pain has dissipated.Its my first tyme here and it feels like home for me.I hope to keep coming back.

Red Sapphire said...

Today has been so emotional for me.Yours made me cry and yet put me at ease at the same time.You write so well,u inspire me to do more and yet u are so refined.Frankly i love your blog.

Red Sapphire said...

You've got an award miss definitely maybe,
Follow the link...

Azuka said...

Um, Inner Man?

Laughter said...

Baby girl, am happy as you are now a recovered woman, it is a slow road but you will get there. Just keep on hanging in there. You shall be fine.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

greyamethyst, thanks so much and please do come back.I love yours too.

red saphire, awwwww Im sorry if I made you cry but its okay to cry sometimes. Thanks for the compliment its giving me more confidence to write coz sometimes I think what I write doesnt make much thanks.

Azuka, 'inner man' is not gendered its just a metorphor for my conscience/soul/spirit/gaurdian angel or whatever it is inside ourselves that helps us question our morality or decide right from wrong. Just the same way as we refer to God or the holy spirit as 'he'.

Laughter, its good to see you here, you always bring a smile to my face and I will never tire of letting you know. Thanks for the confidence u always have in me.

ShonaVixen said...

i guess that's why m doing maths if you do need legal representation then we cool like that

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

lol Shona
was just playing with you
which year at Uni are you in now?
I've been practising for 3yrs now
It sucks
all work and no play
well that is if you exclude facebook, blogger and all those other sites I waste my billable hours on lol

Afronuts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Afronuts said...

In order to have the answers to your questing need to become someone else; you need to become this someone else in roder to understand ur answers..

ShonaVixen said...

Yeah knew u was joking hon!
MDM, am in my second yr now (long way to go i guess), but am so grateful for blogville coz now you can be helping am serious about that one!! I guess thats why m trying to discipline myself by staying clear of Blogville on weekends, and well telling my girls that once more we cut down on girly time @ mine on weekends..(difficult!)...but its always good to know those who've been there and done it all

Afrobabe said...

squiggles and scribbles....Me like those words...

lmao @ ur aunt...sometimes ppl being nice during our mourning is not always a good thing as we get comfortable being felt sorry for..(did that make sense?)

Afrobabe said...

So YT did not get run over by a bus....dannnggg...maybe next time...

Rita said...

I thot you left a very nice and humorous comment on my blog? Or was it for someone else :-) Thanks sha. I liked the comment.

Flourishing Florida said...

looks like someone is growing up! & discovering life out there can b everything rolled into one - joy, pain, frustration, ecstasy etc. it's all good. wot we do is make d most of it. some of us blog 2 lighten our load. it's all good.

Flourishing Florida said...

those questions 2 ur pastor will certainly bring abt some interesting reaction 4rm him. i can just imagine him telling 'my child, repent 4 d kingdom of God is @ hand'

Rayo said...

now u know i was here...

O'Dee said...

Your posts are always webby.

I so thought you were talking about sex.

Buttercup said...

wow ok..

sorry the pamperin period is over..MDM, MDM, MDM!!!! how many times did i call u?? dont wish for another heartbreak, dont let the thought cross ur mind!! even if it means me pamperin u(how, i have no idea), but yea, u get

i really enjoyed this post..

sadly, i have no answer to any of the questions tho..

anyhoos, how r u??

Buttercup said...

oh n what happened to ur weddin blog???

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Afronuts, some questions dont have answers, but that doesnt stop the human mind from asking them. perhaps though some questions are best left unanswered.

Afrobabe, it makes sense maybe I should have kept up the pretense of still hurting, tried to but it didnt work. so the bag had to go back...ah well guess will have to play Lil Miss Independent and save for that gucci arm candy.

rita, I dont know what happened I had left a comment, blame will go back and rewrite it sorry dear

FF Florida, lol my pastor will probably pour a bucket load of holy water over me lol screaming 'I bind you in the name of Jesus' lol. But we should be allowed to ask these things if we already think about them.

Rayo, thanks for passing by, hopefully this wont be the last.

Oluwadee, yes I did talk about sex but in the context of a relationship. The emphasis on my post was about the relationship not the sex. (if that makes any sense)

Buttercup, I hear you doll, "no more heartbreaks" x18(I have repeated this more times than you called my name lol.)The wedding blog is still there but just decided to keep it private until later coz the two blogs are conflicting in a way so i thought it would confuse people. But im still blogging on it. Im good though has the boyfriend been in touch dying 4 u to give an update.

Nigerian Drama Queen said...

I couldnt help but find the humor in this. Seriously, who await the next break-up? Your too funny!!
Big ups for saying Sorry first-it takes some guts and soul humbling.
I dont know if I ever told you this, but I love your blog name (and the reason behind it)!


I was nervous that at 1am I wouldn't be able to read this 'long' post. But, surprise, surprise. You write well and the conversations flowed.

Congrats on saying sorry first for the first time. That is a big deal. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Tigeress said...

Very interesting blog Miss DM. we all struggle with our Christianity and our sexuality. We all have the need to be loved and cherished, as well as walk down that aisle. But i tell my girls one thing- anybody can get married. If we want a good marraige then we cant choose for ourselves- we HAVE to involve God in our choice. Bf is different to Husband.

As for the guilty feeling u get after the so-called normal act. I reckon thats ur sub-conscious telling u pre-marital nukie is wrong. My married friends tell me sex after marraige is in another realm- u can let is much better than when single. Plus they no longer get the guilty feeling.

Lolia said...

Omg, I know how difficult it is to write a blog post that makes sense when all the thoughts in your head are all jumbled up..

Oh + it's so frustrating when you want to write about something but you can't because someone else will get mad...Talk about an aaaargh momemnt...

Lovely post though

badderchic said...


if it was all smooth, how we for know say God has our back?

Naapali said...

This was beautiful (I guess that is a redundant comment on your blog).
It was also very heartfelt, melodic, like a Blues piano solo.