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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Blame it on the Weatherman .............

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked. ........here's how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.


59 comments:

Parakeet said...

First time here and first wow!

Parakeet said...

Miss defi, u're making me think o and cry in my heart. Love is often painted in such ways in novels but in reality its different. We try but hardly ever get to such perfection.

Tigeress said...

:) 1st Corinthians 13 tells us what love is.

ShonaVixen said...

M 3rd!!! Parakeet = 1...lol..improvement right??Ok now lemme go and read...

ShonaVixen said...

Love sticks with you beyond the butterflies in the stomach, its patient,kind and hard work, compromise....i totally feel ya on looking back and feeling like u let a good one go, but how about thinking there's a better one for you??

Afrobabe said...

sweetheart, as you said..most of us have been there done that...leaving a good man for a silly reason I mean...Some of us even owned dictionaries then but chose to look up only the words we wanted not the ones we needed..

Love like that can break anybody down...

I love ur play with words ie...ur description of the rain...

Buttercup said...

thats one of the major reasons why i read romance novels, they make me want to believe that LOVE, in every sense of the word, really does exist..it might not necessarily be how it is in novels, but yea..

dont worry sweetie, if hes the one for u, God will bring him back to u..

Funms said...

u touched me and almost made me cry......... now i want to love again. i need that special someone who will be my definition of love.... sobs, sobs......

Just...Toluwa said...

sniff sniff** but its quite hard to find true love...

aloted said...

men i am feeling sleepy and i have seen your warning "long post" so i will come back tomorrow to read and comment. just thot to mark register and say hi.
ta!

badderchic said...

be back to read,
markin my spot.

BC...

PRESENT!

Enigma said...

The dictionary may not have affected anything back then...

But do not give in to regret...please..

doll said...

what can i say?

Red Sapphire said...

Sniff! Sniff!!...Still sobbing.Be back to update on my comment.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Tigeress, I agree with you ...love is Ist Corinthians plus mind blowing orgasmic the sex ;-)

Parakeet, thanks for visiting, novels tend to portray an unachievable level of 'being in love'but maybe striving for that which is unachievable will enable us to achieve the best that is achievable (does that make sense?)

Funms, dont we all need that special someone who defines us? Personally im done with these half hearted compromise shyts of relationships.

Just Toluwa: For you to find true love you have to know what you are looking for in the first instance, you need to know what love is, so that when you do expierence it, u recognise it for what it is.

Shona, if only we were brave enough to stay even after the butterflies have ended.........

Afrobabe, for one to know whats good you have to know whats bad, its a pity you only realise what a good man he was after you have replaced him with the 'bad'.

Buttercup, Love does exist not just in novels but its like trying to find a needle in a haystack.Funny enough I dont want him back I think that river has run its course.

Aloted, thanks for passign by, hope you do come back and read,

Badderchic, you just reminded me of those students at school who used to scrawl (carve)on their desks "Badderchic sat here in 1999." or "Badderchic loves Badassdude" then inclose it in a heart........thanks for visiting

enigma,what I was referring to with the dictionary thing was that for one to be able to recognise when they are in love you need to know the true definition of love in the first instance. Coz if you dont know the definition u will not recognise it when it comes your way.

Doll, I hope I've left you speechless in a good way .....

Red Sapphire, twice in a row I've made you cry...mood swings....are you sure you are not pregnant lol. What happened about the job offer?

aloted said...

i am back like i promised :)

hmm..first of all, was it a daniel steele novel you were reading? all these romantic books just make us feel hopeless isn't it..with their perfect description of love. men reality can be different i think.

i pray that love finds u...and that u find love. i also agree with tigeress on the definition of love.

meanwhile that ring in the photo- looks so much like the ring my hubby gave me when he proposed..hmmmmmm

it is well with u

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...

Miss DM you are human...that means you won't always get it right...it means you will look back to the past with joy and regret...

as you are your mother's child know that you are also God's child...opportunities will come...ones that will lead to good futures with a lotta hard work...

Cry...release and heal...then open yourself up to the possibilities...you have experienced what you will and will not take... loose the idea of ideal...perfect...but have your ideals...your standards...hold on to those bcos you now know what you are looking for...

Know that every step you take or every breath of yours brings you ever closer to being with your God' given soul mate

Dammy said...

It's just a matter of time, true love will find you.

You make me fall in love again and again with this beautiful post!

Hi.

uNWrItten* said...

wow..this was heartfelt..love is hard...but it will come again..

Jaycee said...

Love is not perfect. But love is real.

May you find true love. May you find love that allows tears to flow freely, yet in a joyful kind of way.

Laughter said...

My darl, I feel so saddened and hurt by your pain but you know what? Love is coming your way sooner than you expected. I wonder why i just feel like you are the twin sister i never had but even the ex could have been the right one but it was the wrong time, you shall find love again and it would put to shame what you thought was love. We need agape love and not eros but you will be very fine my beautiful baby.

Shalom

Ms. emmotions said...

this is really deep,
it is my belif that there is no such thing Mr perfect or perfect relationship,
i have always been of the opinion that True love exist but not in perfect beings..well i dont know if am making sense myself,

pls take kare of yourself

FineBoy Agbero said...

Hmmm... really deep... love d symbol of d rain; d softness, d thundrstorms, d regret, d longin for things past...

we truly never know d value of what we av until we've lost it...

Jarrai said...

Life is not perfect and neither are we...its ok to make mistakes. He probably was not the one for you...not saying that because i know but because what God decided no man can undo....

Love is patient chica...its coming, just hold on a little longer

Loved this post...one of my favs so far :)

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Aloted, good to see you back, hopefully you havent lost your ring coz it just might be.......

Shubby, I always look forward to your comments, very insightful...its hard to ask a closed mind to be open to possibilities but guess this old dog will have to learn new tricks by hook or crook.

Dammy,time can be just that...timeless, patience is a virtue and im not well endowed where virtues are concerned more into vices lol glad you visited, dont be a stranger,

unwritten, wish love could only come once.......then stay.

Jaycee, thanks for the kind blessing,
"May you find love that allows tears to flow freely, yet in a joyful kind of way."
sums up what im looking for.

flabby said...

I totally get you! sometimes i wish we could go back to those days when it didnt matter so much of we let the right one go because we were so carelessly sure that there would be anpther 'right one'..now i realise that love doesnt always just find you..and it doesnt always stay with you- sometimes you have to work a lot harder..fight yourself even to have that perfect love..the kind that can exist in real life

ps- if any of this makes sense, i didnt say it right!!

xx

Naapali said...

Miss DM
- this is the most heartfelt post I have read in a long while.
- heartfelt as it was your use of imagery was even better.

- this quote "for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love."
- is very true and very powerful

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Flabby, i totally get you, but why does it have to be hard work? If only after 'working so hard' you were assured that your labour would bear fruits....

Naapali, thanks for the compliment and thanks for stopping by, dont be a stranger.

naijalines said...

Ah...true love, well defined.

eFJay said...

Wow... what a post...bless ur soul dear, may the lord heal your heart, may he give you the courage to love with an open heart.

I can't help myself though, but ermm... do u still have ur ex's number? or is he taken?

Ef babe

eFJay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Life of a Stranger called me said...

First time. Really enjoyed it. Love is hard word, but you need to let go and let God. You will have another chance to love again, this time you will more than well equiped.

Walking said...

Awww.

Walking said...

Awww.

Walking said...

Awww.

But I Care said...

Loved the post!

Just because you lost love once doesnt mean you cant have it again...
good luck

xoxo

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