Blame it on the Weatherman .............

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked. ........here's how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.