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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Rich also Cry.............

Mama Im so depressed xxx has cheated on me
"Ah that's not important you have a good job."
Can you believe what That Uche has been going around saying about me I'm so hurt
"You complain too much sha thank God you have so many degrees."
I feel so lonely I wish I had a friend
"with the amount of money you earn I wouldn't be worried about not having friends, go shopping"
I'm feeling suicidal I feel like I cant cope
"Don't be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselv
es trying to date you."

Its not that I don't count my blessings, I do, each and everyday, when I wake up and when I go to bed. It would not have mattered though if i didnt, for I can almost name more than 30 odd people who will most certainly be ready and willing to count them for me. Not that they need to wait for an invitation, my ears are already ringing from their constant remainders of how lucky or blessed I am .............. "You lucky you have a good job," " you lucky you so intelligent", "you are lucky you have such a close family," " you are lucky your parents. have so much money," "you are lucky that all your family members I still alive," "you are lucky you got that promotion," " i really envy you," "i wish i was like you," "you are my inspiration," "God has been really kind to you"...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wouldn't it drive you crazy as well? As if this was not enough they have voted me 'the most envied' person in my social network on facebook. I'm sick of it. Its not that I am ungrateful I more than anyone else am well aware that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need / expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small mercies...well actually big mercies. Its not the fact that people remind me to be grateful that gets to me, its the fact that for some reason people believe that the trauma/ill will/bad luck/misfortunes/problems/catastrophes (yes catastrophes I have had my fair share of those in my 26yrs) that I go through are simply inconsequential/ or not worth recognising since my countless blessings make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be enduring. Consequently I'm the type of purpose who has to wail loudly before some recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently will not cut it, and even when recognised my feelings are instantly dismissed as if they do not matter as if they are inconsequential simply because.....simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 26year African woman.

I never get to have a voice ........this is the story of my life, I feel as if I'm being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds, even though I am where I am through blood sweat and tears. I hate the life I have, not that its not wonderful but that I don't matter enough, people have stopped seeing the real me and started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc, somehow I feel that were I to commit suicide the first comments would not be concern but would be reproach........ 'what a waste her life was great.' or 'she killed her self why? I thought she had a good job and all' (no i dont plan to commit suicide).

In fact this business of thinking that somehow it was justified for me to have painful or whatever experiences just because the odds were always in my favour, started when I was quite young. I remember my parents sent me to an extremely expensive private school. So expensive was it that it took my dads two months wages to pay a terms fees and even at that time he earned a lot. My mother never made me forget this. Somehow it was okay for me to be bullied (we were only a handful of black kids) at school (not that it was okay but simply I was supposed to be grateful because my other siblings although they were at private school as well their fees was not nearly as high as mine) It was 'okay' for me not to go on holiday simply because I went to the expensive school. It was okay for me not to have as much holiday pocket money as the others after all they were going without (yeah right) so that my parents could fund my expensive education. From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not want to complain or let anyone know that I was unhappy I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which even made me unhappier which then made me even guiltier and ashamed of myself which made me even more depressed then i would feel even guiltier (if there is such a word) for being depressed when i should be grateful.......in short it became a vicious circle.

It probably still is up to now, i still have to think twice before I say my problems to people then I have to say them 5times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no one comforted me, when I tried to reach out to people they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me....I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her that I was feeling suicidal and I couldn't cope anymore, I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself I was the luckiest person in the world and that a lot of people envied my life....she said to me she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality...don't be silly she said..if only she knew that at that precise moment I was very close to the brink. Do you know that a large percentage of suicides are committed by people who are middle class and above? Not that its a sport of the rich fabulous or fantastic only but statics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people.....guess that's why people say money doesn't buy you happiness.....which is not true..... its because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you your happiness that they don't make the effort to ensure that you are really and truly happy like they would for a less well to do relative.

I guess I'm sick and tired of having to shout to be heard, having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion, kindness, cuddles or warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn't change the fact that I am still human, I've insecurities, I have days that I feel ugly, periods of time when I feel that the world is closing in on me , crushing me and I can not breathe. There will be days when I could use a shoulder to cry on, months when I would gladly trade my life for yours, there will be weeks when I don't get out of bed, mornings when I weep and cry to God why me Jehovah? It doesn't mean I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have....its just that I'm human, and countless blessings or great mercies if you cut me open I bleed... (sorry Leona Lewis). So next time if I'm in despair and I could do with a friend, please don't recite my numerous blessings, just give me a hug . I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after safes are locked and the banks have closed, well after expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket, the jewellery is removed and the jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed, when the house help has gone home,and the curtains are drawn, and they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness................ sometimes the rich.......actually........ sometimes I, just like the rich also cry.

Flabby wrote a similar post only saw it after i had written mine but its worth checking out My Side of the Story!: My right to hurt
PS: This post is in response to someone who was concerned that my posts are rather 'dark'. I am happy with most aspects of my life, career, home etc but i struggle in others. I normally
have an outlet for my joy but i struggle in terms of expressing my pain (hopefully this post has explained why) and thats why i blog. PS: I am not rich!!!!!!!!!!!

58 comments:

flabby said...

i referred to this in my blog one time! but it wasnt about being rich per se..it was about having a right to have emotions and be sad..even if other people dont see why! i sount my blessings..i do..but does that mean i cant be sad sometimes? that i cant feel pain or hurt??

lol!! my comments are rather long!

xx

ShonaVixen said...

the way i came dashing over here seein that u updated and then what???m second!!! still an improvement though...ok lemme go n read now...

ShonaVixen said...

So next time if I'm in despair and I could do with a friend, please don't recite my numerous blessings, just give me a hug . I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant....
and Shona will always send you a virtual hug boo ((((xoxo)))

Here's me Shona saying anytime you need an ear to listen, a platform to allow you to vent, to be there, just by being there...m here!!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Flabby, its true everyone has a right to have emotions....I wasnt saying that im rich (in the true sense of the word) all i was trying to put across is that everyone feels pain, whether rich poor or whatever we all have emotions.....we all bleed if you cut us open.

Shona, had reserved first position just for you, and Flabby had to just come and steal your thunder lol.thanks for the virtual hug, blogsvile has been fantastic allowing me to vent without being judged.

Laughter said...

Awww babe, you can do no wrong in my eyes.
It is okay to vent out our frustration and it is okay to release your frustration, am also here if you need a hug, just down the road from you, well we are both in the UK abi.

poeticallytinted said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
poeticallytinted said...

U're not rich? what a disappointment, I was already planning how to move in with you! :)
If we weren't supposed to cry sometimes we wouldn't have tear ducts. They are there, if you have to use them feel free to and if you think no one understands drop me a line. :) Crying is cathartic sometimes, 'washes away your pain. Trust me, I KNOW about real, raw and unforgiving pain.
However, May your days be filled with true laughter and tears of joy!

Zena said...

Top 10, off to read

ababoypart2 said...

Gotta read this again...Very nice though

doll said...

10th

naijalines said...

True.

doll said...

Yea right u are not reach, but for what its worth I perfectly understand u

Just...Toluwa said...

a lot of people fail to realize this...and its sad!

Aphrodite said...

Babes, i understand what you are going through. Sometimes we tend to think that material things are all that matters and whoever has them has it all. Sadly this is not so.

~Sirius~ said...

Hey, you will be amazed at the number of people who go through this same kind of situation with you.
it's hard to voice out you feelings, only because you don't want to sound ungrateful, but if that's the way you feel, then you shouldn't hold back anymore........
When i feel sad and depressed with no one to listen to me, i find a private spot, plug in my ear phones and cry away, i always feel better afterwards, maybe you can try that.....and girl, there's always blogsville to write your tears if you can't cry them......

aloted said...

Girl..i so totally feel u..sometimes we just need someone to listen to our rants, give us a shoulder to cry on and not say anything...it goes a loooooong way...

i so feel u on this post.

And here's a cyber hug from me to u...

Smaragd said...

The Rich Also Cry... lol

i know what u mean, and while it's not fair, it's something that u'll need to find a way round, like develop a thick skin or just understand that it is human nature and weakness.

meanwhile, u should have a friend who'll be there when u need those cuddles and hugs babe, everyone needs those from time to time.

i'm sending a lot of positive energy your way right now and a very warm hug!

Jaycee said...

I loved the sincerity of your post. I think we all feel a sense of loneliness at certain phases of our lives...that no one is listening to us and everyone has already assumed certain things about us and so it's going to stay that way!

I read these words, "people have stopped seeing the real me and started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc, somehow I feel that were I to commit suicide the first comments would not be concern but would be reproach..." To this I want to say that in this life, if you focus too much on what people are saying, rather than focus on yourself, your dreams, your visions, and your goals...it can drive a person to suicide in fact. People just like to talk. But the thing you have to know is that it is because they SEE your blessings. They just feel obliged to say something, and I don't blame them...they don't know the countless number of times others have told you the same thing. So try to ignore their comments...

NOW, it could be oddly ANNOYING when people keep reminding you that you're blessed...lol...I feel u.

Let me share something with you that can bless you (esp when u feel people are focusing on ur achievements too much). Acts 20:35 says that "it is more blessed to give than to receive." Something tells me that there is more joy in giving. Try using your achievements to bless others. Blessing others with what you have brings joy, and then you will also be sowing seeds for a great harvest for your future. I wish I can expatiate on what I'm trying to say, but I don't want to write an epistle.

Rejoice...and give! Don't worry about their comments. And I always tell myself this, "Jaycee, never think no one is listening to your cries and your pain...God is." He's the friend that sticks closer than a brother...when no one else understands, He does...

I'd like to share four of my posts I grabbed from my archives:

ALONE: http://light-her-lamp.blogspot.com/search/label/alone

FRAGILE WE ARE: http://light-her-lamp.blogspot.com/2008/03/fragile-we-are.html

CROSSROADS: http://light-her-lamp.blogspot.com/search/label/Crossroads

FREE UR MIND: http://light-her-lamp.blogspot.com/search/label/Depression

I hope they bless you anytime you feel this way again...

Love, Jaycee.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Laughter, thanks sis I know I can always count on you.

Poetically Tainted, lol you can still move in but rent and bills we split in half, I may cry but im not stupid lol

Zena, are you still reading :-)

ababoypart2, thanks for stopping by, if you are a guy where is my cyberhug lol ;-)

Doll, seriously, feel free to start a collection on my behalf. Dont worry about making it money shoes will do me just fine.

Naijalines, If only more people would realise this

Just Toluwa, its not just sad, sometimes it can destroy someone, drive them to suicide, drink or drugs.

eFJay said...

Bless your soul sweetie. I love ur honesty and i hope letting it out has made you feel lighter.

Nice of you to drop by, never been here either, its nice.

Ef babe

Jarrai said...

Miss DM...this is just a reflection of what society deems to think marks a person to be happy so no one wants listen...its sad.

I know what you mean...sometimes you can be surrounded by people..even reach out to them in time of need and still feel very much alone...but don't despair.

When ever it gets too much..talk to God..he always listens and he doesn't mind is you cry..infact i think he encourages it :).
*BIG HUG*

LG said...

hmmmmmm WORD!!!
i luv dis post

muuuaaahh

miz-cynic said...

I HOPE U CAN STILL LAUGH AT UR SELF COS IM GONA SAY THIS....DAMN! UR'E LUCKY GIRL...LOL.BUT SERIOSLY, i guess this is africa, dont know whr u live, whr u were brought up but sometimes we all have to take responsibility for our own happiness cos other people are too caught up in their own"problems" to care...i mean rily care, my dear, rely on urself for ur own happiness cos the reality is , the world is a dark place. envy is wht they feel thts why empathy would not be coming from them at all,cos these are two extremely contrasting feelings. try and cheer urself up, do things u love to do....make ur self happy.

Buttercup said...

Awwwww sweetie...

This was really heartfelt...i understand what u mean but readin this made me understand even more...i dnt get why people cnt get the fact that accomplishments dnt equate happiness, it really is beyond me...thank God u'v got this blog to rant through to ur heart's content...

PS: aint nada wrong with being rich..LOL..

*hugs*

Naapali said...

Miss DM

The words below are not mine but I think they will resonate with you:

 “A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of a gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.”
 - Victor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Aphrodite, so true material things do not stop people from expierencing pain, misfortune or heartache.

Sirius, although i admit it is always comforting to find 'open arms' here in blogsvile or by prayer it still doesnt stop you from hurting coz those close to you think you are inconsequential (unless they need to borrow a few bucks)

Aloted, Thanks for the cyber hugs, if only the outside world was like blogsvile.

Smaragd, if only those 'thick skins' were sold at beauty saloons I would have gladly purchased enough to make an elephant hide. Thanks for the hug

Jaycee, thanks for the positive words of encouragement will read all the links you put up from your blog.

EfJay,Thanks for stopping by, its true a problem shared is a problem halved.

Jarrai, thanks for the love, I know God is our comforter and all but it would be nice to find solace in the arms of those around us as well.

Zena said...

lol, I had to read it twice, I love your sincerity and the honesty that came with the post, I'm sure you've read it over and over again,We're (Or I'm) here for you ,we're listening.

Cyber Hugs and Kisses

IDK said...

i rili like your blog!! As for your pain..I'm sorry..I knw I dnt knw u too well..bt I can hugs:P

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

LG, thanks for stopping by

Miz-Cynic, funny how people dont have time for your problems but expect you to have time for theirs, but you are right ultimately we arebresponsible for our own happiness.

Buttercup, yeah aint nothing wrong with being rich......speaking of which can i borrow £10 000 lol

Naapali, wise words am going to google the book in a minute. Buy 10 000 copies and distribute to all my friends/relatives and nieghbours...well wish i could.

Zena, glad you finally finished reading :-) and thanks for the cyber hugs, have stored enough to last a year.

IDK, thanks for the compliment and for stopping by, dont be a stranger. PS you dont have to 'know someone well' inorder to show love or compassion....its always appreciated, thanks.

Ade Adeyemi said...

hey,

this made me smile, simply because the one thing people dont get is that the more succesful you are the higher the price you've probably had to pay to get you there... and that's something I understand as a 27 yr old that has walked the path you are currently walking.

Its okay to cry and its okay to understand that very few people would understand because they simply are not where you are. I pray that you meet people that ave attained the heights you have aor that can relate with you as an individual understanding that the things we have do not define us they simply are 'things' and we are defined by the words God has spoken over our lives and our experiences have a huge part to play in this... and even when the world puts pressure on you... dont put any added pressure on, why should you?... slow down when you need to , say no when you need to and sometimes help those that are really close to you understand that you are afterall human! So even as you attain greater heights, do amazing things and interact wonderful, maybe find a mentor and be true to yourself!
Somehow I hope this all makes sense..

Invisible said...

May you always have a shoulder to cry on when you need one and I pray that the peace of God within you be still.

I couldn't stick to something to write so I decided to say a prayer for you. It is well.

Bondgirl said...

Child you are too popular now... after scrolling for two hours I finally am able to leave a comment...LOL. Its funny how people who are not as blessed think they have a monopoly on being listened to. Even blessings provide their own burden and we should always lend a shoulder to those who are happy and those who are not. Well you know where my blog is...come have a good cry anytime... xoxo

Funms said...

u spoke my mind gurl..... i really do feel ur pain. sometimes i cant even tell my bros somethings im going thru cuz all they say is, ha, ur d only girl and ur so spolit, uve no worries. My ex bf never understood y i'd hurt or issues, he always went on saying ur just 22 and uve a masters degree, years of experience and uve lived in diff countries so whats ur problem. alot of people r dying to be in ur shoes. I learnt to always keep my emotions and stuff to myself. My confidants r God, My diary is my best friend, blogging and a few friends who dont go on and on about how blessed i am. I pray and hope u find pwace and someone to lean on. remember, we r a family here hun....... hugs....lots of it

poeticallytinted said...

Shylock! lol. I've got an award for you. Dunno if you've received it before. You are 'Certified Honest Blogger'! (trumpet, fanfare). Please visit my site to claim your award.

AlooFar said...

why do i feel like linking this lovely post?

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Wait, wait, wait?

You aren't rich?

Awww, mehnnnnnnnnn!!!!

=)

Loved your post!



NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

Chari said...

wow I am here late...but let me toss in ma two kobo though...I feel you! but since I am still going through I dont know what to say to make u feel better and I dont know the way out...what I do is try to keep ma head up regardless...

Bombchell said...

hmm u dont really sound happy. well from this particular post i think u sound depresses =/

u listed a lot of achievements, secuirity, economic goals, status, class, work etc. and those are very important. but don't forget you work for a living, u work to make your life better. your life is not work.

ugh i dont know if im making sense, basically my point is, are you happy, and you should spend your time, trying to be happy, and please yourself more than others. Ignore their perceptions to some degree, what they value as happiness, work etc obviously doesnt work for you.

we measure success & life differently. a few years ago I realized my goal in life is to be happy not to be some big shot. what's yours.

and omg next time u feel suicidal call me!

uNWrItten* said...

eh yah..ur honest is so refreshing..i hope everyones kind words helped and u feel better!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Ade, thanks for the wise words of encouragement will definitely learn to say no more often.

Invisible, you can never have enoug prayers and blessings thanks

Bondgirl,very soon you will be asking me for an autograph lol thanks for the love and the hanky.

Funms, its always good to see you here, thanks for the hugz

Poeticallytinted, thanks for the award, will be round shortly to accept it

Aloofar, thanks for the compliment, feel free to link it to death lol

Solomonsydelle, its okay for me not to be rich coz you are wealthy enough for the both of us ;-)

Chari, like the celebrity you are its okay to be fashionably late lol

Bombchell, my goal is to be happy to but unfortunately some people make it extremely difficult for some rather than others.

Unwritten, definitely its nice to have a resting place, i’ve found mine in Blogsville

Invisible said...

Thanks for stopping by. The original story is Guess no more. It should still be on the main page if you haven't found it yet.

po said...

Wow, that is some serious stuff. Everybody struggles in life, everybody needs encouragement and help, no matter what circumstances they are in. Just because you are successful doesn't mean you can't feel depressed. I get that.

Buttercup said...

Yes love..as soon as i engage in that million naira threesome!

Rita said...

This post really touched me leaving me speechless (lack of words to type) until today,...however I felt a bit relieved that you could share this part of you...You have a right to the way you feel and I feel you should express urself more often carefreely and without fear...

Money/success is not everything...and what matters to you may be different from what matters to someone else...while you thank God for the things you have, feel free to ask Him for what more you want...

bArOquE said...

they say; to whom much is given, much is expected, but when we didnt ask to be given some of these things how do we handle the expectations?...all fingers are not equal, how the hell is that my fault?...my dear, know this sha...he'll never put more on you than you can bear...be strong, restrategise

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Invisible, I found it thanks.

Po, been to your blog you are outrageously funny

Buttercup, can I bring my camcorder coz we could make a further 3 million from the porn video sales lol

Rita thanks for this comment "feel free to ask Him for what more you want..." coz sometimes i feel guilty asking for more (not material things like love etc)

Baroque, if only the whole world thought like you.

ShonaVixen said...

why oh why is it telling me u updated and i came dashing over here!!!MDM??????

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Sorry Sho, had updated but then the post didnt make much sense lol. will post something tonight though.....see i've given you a heads up so u cant complain...u better be first.

ShonaVixen said...

m going to be stalking this blog like crazy...shuut have lectures 2nite though...m first no matter what!! u and me know it..lol...

rethots said...

...the right to emotions.

Buttercup said...

Hmm now i see where u were goin with 'shrewd business sense'...sure, y not?!

ShonaVixen said...

gurl...no update n m going to bed!!

Black Berry said...

aaaw..i toatlly relate to this!

Black Berry said...

aaaw..i toatlly relate to this!

bArOquE said...

IF ONLY my sweet baby, but then there'll be no need for me...*wink*...Happy Independence Day

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

rethots, its not just the right to emotions but the right to have those emotions displayed and acknowledged

Buttercup, im getting scared you are getting too comfortable with all this freakiness, must be something u already indulge in ha ha ha

Shona, sorry have updated and you are no where insight, but between u and me your support of this blog is definitely 1st class.

Blackberry, is it true that the darker the berry.... ;-)
thanks for visiting, dont be a stranger

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Baroque, awwww thanks but its okay if there are 'imitations' u would still be priceless, coz no imitation can never be worth anything close to an original 'picasso'

Somebodies Friend said...

This post pretty much sums up my life in the last 4 months.

I feel isolated and alone and betrayed, and the one friend that talks to me sends me on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

I am getting to the point where I can hardly cope anymore, and I don't know what to do!

Hopefully God will guide me where I need to go, because I have known pain, and what I am experiencing now is something off the emotional pain scale.

Some how I have made it this far, hopefully I will find the strength to cope another day.