'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Monday, October 27, 2008

What The Fu*k!??!! (when love is not blind but ridiculously shortsighted)

Have you ever thought of, met, looked at a picture of, reminisced about an x boyfriend and thought What the fcuk was i thinking dating this guy? You know, that point when your rose tinted glasses are broken/removed and you can see him clearly as the loser, jerk, lazy ass, serial cheater, violent thug, user , chancer, or good for nothing jobless sh*t that he was? Okay maybe nothing quite so drastic but you realise anyway many moons after the relationship is over that you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved and could do better? Well if you haven't, I have.

Some of them x’s are dead funny, you can laugh it off as ‘I was young and foolish’ or I didn't know better, but some of them ain't so funny, when he gets arrested for rape , or you hear he beats up his wife or he now has 6 children from 5 different baby mamas, or he is dying of HIV or its ten years down the line (since you split up) and he still cant hold down a decent job or he spends 23 hrs at the local pub stone drunk or his doing time in jail for supplying class A narcotics, then you get goosebumps on your flesh coz suddenly you think OH MY FCUKING BALLS that could have been my husband!!!!!!! It is at that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief or thank God for not always granting prayers and thank him for sometimes dragging us out of potential ‘fires’ or ‘frying pans’ even though we fervently prayed for him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part? Who knows, what type of lives we would be leading right now yoked to these WTF kind of dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone, to make things work simply because we 'love' them that we become ridiculously short sighted and live for the day forgetting to think realistically whether in reality you could actually spend the rest of your life with a man who is drunk every night or who cant hold down a steady job or who has been into bother with the law again and again. I don't believe that love is blind coz 97% of the times we are aware that he is a violent man, a drunkard, controlling etc but we just tend to brush it aside thinking he will change, its just a phase or its not really important......wait until you have three kids together who need getting fed and clothed and he spends all your income on booze or you are in the A and E night and day from the bruises that he will have given you and then you can tell me whether you still think its 'not important'. My aunt taught me something important, (not that I have always followed her advice) never date a man who you can never envisage as a potential reliable father to your 'children' Or rather do we foolishly believe that love conquers all whether that 'all' is drink, drugs, unemployment, irresponsibility, infidelity or recklessness? I must admit love does conquer some some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect 'love' to conquer.....hell even Napoleon's armies would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally I am proud of my X’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve, and the possibility that by being in their life for a year or maybe two, I might have some how contributed positively to the successful man that they have become. However I do have an X that I wish I could discount when I'm tallying up my bedpost notches, the one that I would be too embarrassed to introduce to any of my current friends real virtual or even imaginary, the one that will always make me change direction when I see him coming, the one that i try by all means possible to refer to as an old friend instead of as one of my X’s. The one who gives me a WTF moment every time I meet him, think of him, or see his picture.

My WTF X boyfriend did not do anything quite as drastic as having 6 baby mamas, do time as a guest of Her Majesty’s prison service or get arrested for a sexual offence....his crime was failing to make something of himself....okay lemme explain a Lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating I was 18 he was 19, first love first fcuk first kiss first everything, i loved him when he had nothing he loved me when I had nothing, he gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King I get mine as a support worker , 1 year down the line we still dating I get into law school he's still at the checkout in Burger King, a year later I'm in second year law school his still at the checkout in Burger King. A year later exactly 3 years since we started dating we split up nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and all but that's a story for another day.

So roughly 4yrs since i knew him I got a law degree and he was still at burger King. To cut a long story short I go off to do my postgrad studies and all and get a full time professional job dude is still at Burger King not even promoted to floor manager working with 16/17year olds a grown ass man aged 27 who has no ambition what so ever in his life (I have nothing against working at a fast food restaurant after all they to have corporate ladders that you can climb).

So every time one of my mates walk into his branch of Burger King and see my WTF dude there , they always make it a point to give me a ring to rub it in, making silly jokes like had i been married to him i would be entitled to free burgers or happy meals for nearly 9 years running and all i can think is WTF......Okay i must admit though that there was a time i didn't feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him, a time that i wanted to spend the rest of my earthly life and my eternal one as well yoked to this guy........but that is way way way back in the past and as for now all I feel when I see him, think about him or am reminded of him is What the Fcuk, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS for the record (just so that i don't get hassled by the men in here,)am sure that there are WTF kind of girls out there too.

Monday, October 20, 2008

About a boy .......................

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
The sweetest man
and I want the whole world to know.....

His smile is contagious
His laugh is infectious
Im smiling again
And laughing once more
and all because I've met a boy

I love the way
he waves his dreadlocked head
and tosses his locks from side to side
his manly chest
so rippled and fit
gives me the goosebumps
I can no longer eat

I love the way he says my name
he rolls the R's and drops the Es
His soapy romantic
I swear its a dream
he loved holding my hand
as we strolled through the park.

I love the way he plays with my hair
and gives me piggy back rides
all the way from the park.

I've connected with nature
got rainbows and moonlights
sunshine in my soul
I've got butterfly flutters in ma tummy
and ants in my pants
Im convinced Im a star
see my eyes sparkle
jus coz his here.

I love the way my toes curl up
when he sings a song
strums an imiginary guitar
and does awkward impressions of Jojo the clown.
his funny
his silly
his just what I need
my first Aid box of sunshine
to heal me when blue

he makes me coacoa with extra sugar
puts silly notes through the door
sends me postcards and candy
with his favourite sweets taken out!!

he makes me laugh at the unfunniest jokes
and makes me blush the strangest of shades
his caramel lips
so tender and sweet
making me wish I could stand on tiptoe
and kiss them shut

he reads me stories at bedtime
with endings made up
of princes and fairies and kissing a frog.
he draws all my curtains
and fluffs up my pillows
he would tuck me in bed
If only I would ask.

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
My perfect man
........ and yet I havent told him so.

okay I wrote this three weeks ago, remember i told you i met a guy and promised to write about it ? well i tried to put into words what happened but i couldnt find the right words so instead I wrote a poem. I know you would probably want to know what happened next, but again can't really find the right words so wrote another poem just now.........

It should be so easy
to say yes when he says be my woman
Not to pull away when he tries to hold my hand
To let him hug me for a few seconds longer, past the point of being jus friends..
It should be so easy
To let him love me like i deserve to be loved
To let myself go, give in to the passion, the love, the warmth,
It should be so easy
To let go of the past,
To let him be strong enough for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually
To trust that he will always be here
it could be so easy
new year, new start,new man,new beginnings
all i need to do is say yes
and yet
and yet I keep saying NO.
It should be so easy
But damn, Im finding it so hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

How NOT to Beak Up........................

The last two weeks have been really quite hectic, plenty of gist and very little time.I start the new job tomorrow, ecstatic better pay, better job, better conditions in a much nicer town, what more could a girl wish for? Went to see my new workmates last week Wednesday....the jury is still out but they seemed like a pretty decent bunch
I finally went on a much needed holiday break with my sisters and my cousins and (cue drum rolls.......)i met a boy!!!!! (trust me though there was nothing boyish about him,pure undiluted heart stopping eye candy of a man, straight off the front cover of vogue/fitness today but before you get the popcorn out,nothing x rated happened but my heart still does treble flips every time i think about him lol. ( will blog about it when I get time)

I finally moved home, well moved towns and the whole experience has been amazing (save for the extortionate amount i paid the removal company etc but its good to be back close to family. ) Its also given me a plausible excuse to redecorate (well technically you cant call decorating a new house (re)decorating but I've gone all out on the painting and furnishings, my bedroom is straight out of sex and the city grand designs (will try and upload a photo.)But it seems such a shame for such a sensual erotic room to go to waste (well i have been abstaining since February) perhaps its time to break the fast lol, speaking of which temptation has been flying in from left right and centre, actually temptation is too strong a word, there have been offers to blow my mind, send me to the tenth heaven, give me the night of my dreams etc etc but am so not interested. Speaking of not being interested what's up with guys and 'wanting you back?' well actually i will leave it for my next post (well the one after the one about my 'holiday romance' without the romance lol).

About a month ago ~Sirius~ wrote a post about guys and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally I think its 'okay' for someone to leave a relationship, after all the pledge 'till death do us part' is only made at the point of marriage so at any point before that anybody whether male or female should be allowed to reconsider their options/what they are looking for coz relationships are all about searching for something and in any search you follow a few blind leads.HOWEVER (and its a big however) what I am not okay with is the manner in which most guys choose to leave. Looking at the break up experiences of friends etc these are some of the categories i came up with.....

like a thief in the night
you talked to him the previous night, he promised to pass by the next day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day , or the next or the weekend he doesn't turn up, you try and call him his phone goes unanswered, you call his friends they are all being evasive, he doesn't call he doesn't pass by, explanation, no goodbye doesn't even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address, its as if he has been wiped out from the face of the earth alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel for an emergency. sometimes he will resurface with a stupid but plausible (if u drunk) explanation ..sometimes you will accidentally meet six months later at the neighbourhood club and he will try and give you a cock and bull story about how he went thru a difficult time blah blah blah and he can explain.....allow him to explain and he wont be able to, sometimes he will resurface on face book but then sometimes you never hear from him again.

like the second coming of Christ
This is different from the first. This one doesn't disappear from the face of the earth but the break up is out of the blues, totally unexpected catches you unawares. You think you have a good thing going, you are even making plans to marry him thinking he is the one and all. He appears committed to the relationship, everything is going fine, your friends love him, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about spent valentines day together, buys you a big ass present for your birthday all your friends envy you.............until one day out of the blues he says his sorry his not feeling the relationship anymore, he wants space, wants out, needs time to clear his head, he doesn't know what he wants. In your head you are thing WTF since when have you been feeling this way? was it not yesterday you were calling me your future wife? But the guy is not joking he is serious and just like that it is over, no one can believe you, you cant believe it either, hell you did not see this coming, you thought you were happy together dammit!!!!!!

don't shoot the messenger
This one is pretty humiliating, the dude has no guts to tell you its over, or he is not feeling you anymore so he sends his best friend or your best friend to either 'hint' that he is no longer interested or for them to tell you straight up that it is over. Sometimes his best friend will tell you crap like 'I really like you as a sister so i just thought i should give you some brotherly advise Olu is not serious i think you deserve better he is not ready to settle down, trust me i know I am his friend and it hurts me that he treats you like that' Such a long speech and you think this guy is looking out for you when in actual fact he is looking out for his friend who wants to dump you but doesn't have the courage to say it to your face so he sends a messenger.

The telephone game
I don't know if any of you remember the telephone game.....the one where you all stand in line and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person ......the message is passed down the line until the last person has to repeat what they were told out loud. Imagine you are the last person standing in the queue (enough said). You know the kind of break up where you are the last to know........where everyone else is aware he is no longer interested or that he is already chatting up some other girl or he is already dating some other chicca or he is actually marrying someone else etc. This too is humiliating, you get mad at your friends for not telling you.......but their excuse is 'we thought you knew'.

Big Brother Style
(Davina McCall shouting in large microphone)....................this is big brother you are being evicted!!!!!!! okay i guess this one is self explanatory. Your break up is loud and messy. He just doesn't break up with you, he wants the whole world to know every intricate detail. He is not only content with breaking up with you, he wants to humiliate you as well, hell he would even put a notice in the Sunday Times if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody who is willing to listen what happened between the two of you, your private life is laid bare, he will even share juicy bits of your love life, go on and on about how lousy you are in bed etc etc. You want to crawl into a corner and die, the whole neighborhood now knows your business, the whole church knows you slept together on the first date.......he will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together, you just want to crawl into your bed and hide, you are sick of the calls from friends asking 'is it true'

The fake gentleman
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but he is too much of a coward ( or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to breakup with you)so he does things to make you break up with him instead so that you eventually end the relationship (successfully passing the buck for the relationship ending on to you when that's what he wanted all along.)

Sex and the city style
remember when Carrie got dumped via a post it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and the doorman notified her that it was over? there are so many different variations of this (email, text message, instant messenger) but all of them equally cowardly and totally selfish.

With a bang
self explanatory, he shags you then dumps you (enough said).

Hurricane Katrina
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams, leaves you devastated, destroys you,your whole being, your self esteem everything. shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable, some of it will be costly /expensive and will take time to repair. You are a broken woman, he leaves you feeling like you have lost everything, everything you ever worked for, lived for, you cant believe this is happening to you, sometimes you will be in denial, sometimes you will be so angry at God at everyone, you wonder how it could have happened to you? You have to start afresh but you don't know how........

Its not that there is ever a 'good way to break up' a break up will always be difficult and painful for one if not both of the parties but i still think that people should be able to break up in a sensitive and 'bloodless' manner. Unfortunately things always end badly for if things were not bad they would not have ended but i think it is always courteous to break up in person where possible. Please share your break up experiences so that I know whether I'm talking through my ass as usual. Ps although i am well aware of how people should not break up i do not have any answers on how people should.....if they need to at all.......break up.

Might be AWOL for some time but will definitely be checking your blogs even if i might not have time to leave a comment.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.

(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)