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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I'm sending you a four paged letter..........



To Whom It May Concern (YT)


Reference: Answers

I wasn't going to write, there was no point, for if you didn't realise it then, you wont realise it now, even if I wrote it in blood on a ten foot banner and hang it on top of the Eiffel Tower. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part, and i am not weak I refuse to be weak, but Nixx said I should, (write to you that is), she says I owe it to myself, she says only when I have poured out my heart (actually not my heart but my pain) that's when I can release my demons and totally completely wholly move on. Nixx says I have physically moved on because I got up and walked and am still walking, but she says I left my soul behind at that precise moment I spoke to you and you said you needed space........She says I have to go back and pick up my heart even if its in shreds I still need to retrace my steps and pick it up, for it is mine, I'm restless without it....Nixx says I'm losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me is still trapped in that day that phone call.....She says you can not heal without being cured, and you can not be cured until you get the right treatment, and you can not get the right treatment until you know the source of the pain....she says I need to go back to the source......I need to face my demons so that I can tell them to flee.....for me to do that i need answers............so I'm writing you a four paged letter.........

I could be the bigger person and say 'I hope this letter finds you in good health' but I don't have the strength to pretend i feel that which I do not, so I'm going to tell it like i feel it. I don't wish you harm neither do I wish you well, if that makes me less of a woman, then I'm happy being a child.My heart feels what my lips can not convey, so much I want to say to you, but i know not the words, I can only feel. I wish we could just for a second swap souls, then maybe you would feel what I wish no man to feel but that which torments my mind and I find no rest. I ask myself questions that only you can answer. I feel like a horse that is groomed for the races by its owner, day by day he trains it, he makes it work twice as hard coz he wants t to be the best, but when it is ready, and fit enough to take the trophy, he cuts off its legs so that it can not compete.

I loved you, don't ask me if i still do, even I don't know if that question has answers, but right now at this hour, this second I feel more pain than love, more hurt than disappointment.I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, how can you own what you never had? Even the law says ownership is 3/4 possession, I never possessed you, I thought I did but in reality I didn't. Its not the fact that we broke up that hurts, I've been there done that, bought the t/shirt, Its not the fact that I loved you...I've loved before (albeit not as strongly), been loved before and can be loved and love again that I'm sure, its not at all about the timing (even though you could have timed it better coz it was the night of lil Princess's birthday and now that day will forever be tied with my heart breaking). It hurts because I meant so little to you that you encouraged me not to take the career offer yet you knew that wern't going anywhere.

When you were wondering what to do with your life I supported you, I was there for you, I felt your pain when you were going through a rough time, I prayed for you, was there for you. I know it meant little, wasn't much in your eyes but I did it with my heart because i believed in you, how could i not for you were the man i loved. You knew how much i wanted that career move, how i dreamt it, breathed it , prayed for it, wanted it to happen. You knew, yet you said 'babe don't take it, now things are on the up for me so we will be okay, I'll take care of us' I believed you, I was doubtful coz i have given my heart before and it got broken, but you begged me to trust you, I asked what if things go wrong..you said baby we will never go wrong I've got you. I was scared but i took the leap of faith, I had to, for once in my life i wanted to trust someone completely , whole heartedly mind body and soul...and what better way to do it.......I gave up the career move risking it all becoz i loved you....two weeks later you say you need space....WHY did you make me give up that career move that was going to change my life if you knew that we weren't going anywhere? Why did you not encourage me to take it if you knew your plans had changed, were now different from mine? WHY? you knew that offer was what i had hoped for prayed for yet you convinced me not to take it for you, yet you knew I wouldn't have you for long? I supported your dreams why couldn't you have supported mine especially knowing what you knew?

what did i do to you that wanted to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you did not wish the best for me? You could have said take the offer coz we might not work out, you could have said 'babe your career is more important right now' but you didn't you said 'trust me'. I gave you my all you at least owed me that.I have so many questions only you can answer,if you could treat me like that then surely you did not care, love knows no spite. I remember all the things that you said, 'I'm your world , I'm your life' I'm your this and I'm your that, were they all lies? Did you even like me? did I even if jus for a second make a fleeting stop on your heart? Did you ever once tell me the truth? When you said I was strong, I was wise, I was special, were you being kind or were you just fooling... Its not that I want you back or I need you back. For me to move on I have to know. You put me on a pedestal then when I was standing tall, snatched it from beneath me and i fell to the ground. You took away the belief that I had in the woman that I am, not because its over but becoz I feel I must have little worth, meant so little to you for you to hurt me the way that you did.

You might not have thought about it at the time.....never thought about the impact on my career or opportunities, it was never your problem....is not your problem, coz I should have known better to give up my life just for love..an elusive emotion that you can not even touch..... but if you had truly loved me, even simply liked me, how could it escape you?

I've heard you've moved on, got somebody else, had somebody else even when you were 'making plans for us' even as you were encouraging me to let the offer go...don't get me wrong you did not force me, I'm a grown woman, I did it coz I loved you, wanted to prove my love to you. I wanted to be your woman, your only woman, be all that you needed , all that you wanted, i thought I was, you said I was, so did you not owe me in the very least honesty to say...babe take the offer, my feelings have changed, I've got someone else????

I'm not questioning why you left,I too have left too many times so I know the drill by heart, besides I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for, she can offer you more but what i don't understand is why....why you encouraged me to change my plans, why you wanted to hurt me like that? why now you want to be 'friends' why you can pretend it never happened, why in the very least you cant say sorry? All i want is answers, not you back...just answers.

I want you to be happy....I want you to move on, i know you have moved on....I want you to have laughter,I want you to find love and happiness, I want you to have fulfillment, never cry, find contentment and always be at peace.....but above all that I wish the same for my self.......that's why I got to.....have to.....need to....write you this four paged letter...........

16 comments:

kay-shawn said...

Glad to be the first person to comment on this post. Saw your comment on my post and liked it. Lol at 'idiots, they couldn't even perform a simple task like carrying water down a hill'. Very creative.

kay-shawn said...

Oh! Visible after blog owner approval? Okay maybe I wont be first afterall.

Afrobabe said...

No, dont ever think she was worth his leaving you for...never...you are the best any man could ever get...

when u wrote that you wished you could be the better woman and say the letter finds him in good health it mirrored exactly what I am/was going through...I feel ur pain sister...but you know what??? He aint even worth it..

Our hunk is on the way...get this one over with so you can be ready for the right one....

lov ya...love the way you write...

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Kay-Shawn, Im still to learn the art of 'being first.' Thanks for the compliment it means a lot, im new at this.

Afrobabe,I hate it when people want to act like you all friends and lovey dovey like things ended on a good note..when in reality they've broken your heart. things neevr end 'on a good note' if they did then they would not end. They end coz things have soured. Thanks for the encouragement I do know my Blair Underwood (albeit a tard poorer lol) will come but wish i didnt have to kiss frogs first and jus get to the real deal.......

Anonymous said...

Don't worry you will rise again. Its better to speak, than be silent. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger trust me.
“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” Audre Lorde

Nixx

Shubby Doo said...

how are there 5 comments already! men i'm slacking

Shubby Doo said...

*sighs*...this YT na wa o!

writing helps i think...i did this at 24. i sent him an e-mail. i didn't care if he deleted it..i just had to let him know...it was more about the fact that i had written it. Sometimes things are clearer in black & white

you were NOT a fool to trust him...i know you gave up your career move for him but trust in God...he has bigger & better plans for you than YT.

ShonaVixen said...

hey hon, hope you feel better after pouring it all on paper!I like the new page design!!Lush!!xoxo

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shubby, yes writing it down did help,but its not getting sent. Its a waste of time, more like chasing the wind. I was writing it more to myself than him, coz I wasnt sure what the emotions I was expierencing were,I needed clarity. now that I have put those emotions into words, I have managed to deal with them.

Shona, better is an understatement. I feel relieved for a moment I thought I was some love struck teenager, pinning after a lost love, I now realise I am not....I just wanted a platform to say how I felt about how he treated me.....and i found it.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

hmmmm now i dont have to worry about sending it to him coz YT just phoned me and confessed that he knows about my blog, hacked into my hotmail and all (sigh)

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
geishasong said...

ok i was about to comment, but i read ur earlier post and you're ok...
so i wont.
i hope it's not too late to find another opportunity to ake that career move you need so much.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Geishasong thanks for stopping by mine...its too late for that particular career move, but I strongly believe in the saying...when a door closes, God opens a window...so I'm patiently waiting for an even bigger and better offer.

Laughter said...

babes, you will rise again, you know what? The bible says we are inscribed in the palms of his hand, my dear, God has bigger and better plan for you, am happy you poured your heart out, it helps even if does not lessen the pain, stop that she is better than you business, you are the best and also the apple of God's eye, babes, he wasn't meant to be there in the 1st place, am happy you let him go, now rest and be still in God.
Career will come and go and a better one is on the way. The joker is on him, please hang in there......

Buttercup said...

oh damn....ok, after readin him the letter, did he actually give u any answers???

pls dont ever feel any girl u r left for is worth more than u..

rethots said...

...only straight from the heart could this have spewed forth, not without it having hurt (deeply).

However, i shall reprimand thee, never say (or even think) this again; "I've seen her, know her and I can tell she's worth leaving me for,..."