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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I went to bed with a stranger.........

this post is for Buttercup, Bombschell and Funms, just so you know curiosity did kill the cat.

.....As I heard the gate swing shut a sign that the postman had since left the yard, a look of sheer horror darkened my face as the magnitude of what I had just done dawned on me. What had I done? A quick glance at my bedroom companion sent shivers coursing through My veins. My blood ran cold, I didn't know him, he was a stranger, a man I barely knew yet he was sleeping besides me. I thought about calling the police but what could they do? What would I say? Was I raped?No,Forced ? NO, I grimaced as the events of the previous night flashed vividly through my mind. The moans and the screams as I begged him to take me, cries of passionate pleasure that had emanated from these my lustful lips. My heart filled with shame and remorse, guilt whelmed up inside me and threatened to overwhelm me. What had i done, had I been drunk ? No. Yes I had two glasses on wine but surely that was not enough to render m unconscious or uninhibited.I longed for an excuse any excuse, to absolve me o the guilt, the shame that was suffocating my soul and dragging it deeper and deeper into the evil grasp of Hades. Tears coursed down my cheeks as the waves of shame returned, threatening to engulf me. Had my mama taught me nothing? How had I, a girl born and raised by the holy book allowed Lucifer to camp on my doorstep?

Memories of why we met, how we met, where we met flashed through my mind. His mother who passed, his father who had remarried, his sister who was having trouble conceiving or his aunt who was bewitching the whole compound. I wanted to believe that I had known him for a long time, that I knew him, that his whole life was imprinted on the back of my hand like a Fingerprint or that his heart was tattooed on my own, but my conscience refused to let me find solace in this blatant lie. So little time, so much to say, so much he had said and yet he had revealed nothing. Was there even a sister, a brother an aunt or a father? How could one have faith in the words of a man they barely knew?

Filled with apprehension I traced his name on my pillow, frightened that in my haste to share the fruit of his loins I had not quite caught/ remembered his last name. Was it desperation? Yet as I caught my reflection in the wardrobe mirror it refused to confirm what my soul was begging it to give......justification, justification for my weakness, perhaps if blame could be given to my face, then my actions could be understood as those of a woman with limited prospects. He had asked for water to quench his thirst and in my haste, I gave him deeds to the entire well, he had asked for food to fill his stomach, but in my haste I bequeathed him a field to plough, he had asked me for a blanket to shelter from the cold and in my lust I offered him the comforts of my bed. Where had I gone wrong? At which turn had my morality turned into the immoral? I twisted the ring, my engagement ring, why had I just noticed it this very second? I had not even possessed the decency to take it off. I twisted it, but it would not budge, the lump i my throat would not budge.

I glanced at the stranger, the man I had spent the previous night with, How could he sleep so soundly , so comfortable, so at home, as if we knew each other and he belonged no where else but my bed, and yet.......and yet he was a total stranger a man I barely knew. Perhaps if we had spent more time talking getting to know each other..........I felt violated , used , abused but what for? Was it not I with my very own voice filled with passion and lust who had cried out his name in pleasure, and in the same breathe cursed my mother, for with holding, and not revealing the knowledge about the secret pleasures my womanhood could bring much early than she did, for I had not known pleasure so intense or joy of such magnitude......My hand went to my stomach and horror filled my eyes, What if? What if this stranger, this man I was not even sure I wasn't related to had planted his forbidden fruits in my belly? The consequences were too painful to contemplate ........was I being punished for sins I had committed in a previous life, or in this life?

I glanced at the photo., the letter, the evidence, what more proof did i need? The photo so clear, portrait style. The woman standing next to the slated door of the hut with the roof that was just about to cave in. Proudly she held the hand of a boy, her son , their son. Thier resemblance was striking , it was as if a mini stranger stared me straight in the face. So oblivious to her humble surroundings her other hand rested fleetingly on her swollen belly, a belly full of promise, full of life another product of their love on the way. And the letter, oh the letter, painstakingly written in broken English, revealing hr excitement over their forth coming baby, she wondered why he had been silent for far too long, She asked if it was okay to find someone to repair the roof as the rainy season was coming, she wanted to let him know that the money he had last sent was slowly running out and their boy needed new shoes for the school. She related how she was praying, daily fasting so that they're visas for them to come join him could be processed more smoothly, she bound all the demons and spirits that would get in their way.......My eyes whelmed up with tears, I couldn't read on.

I looked at the man lying so peaceful in my bed, should I ask? how do I ask? Did I even have the right to ask? After all what does a stranger owe you, not even the courtesy of a last name. I sobbed quietly yet besides me the stranger slept. Oh the irony of his loud contented snores whilst I beside him died a slow but painful silent death. Hastily I got up from the bed and cramped my belongings into a bag. I just need to get out of there go anywhere. I wanted to leave whilst he slept, for how does one say good bye to a man, yo spent the night with but barely even know? Do you wave goodbye or do you kiss? Do you leave a forwarding address or do you promise to write and keep in touch?

As I reached the door, I took one last look at the man lying in the bed, I tried hard to find a resemblance but i could not, yet I knew i was not mistaken. This was the very same man I had given the last two years of my life. The man I was engaged to marry in less than three months to come. The man who had promised me the world, the one who I called my fiancee and who called me his bride. .............I had gone to bed with the man I loved, the man I was ready to marry, my husband to be but with the arrival of the postman, I realised I woke up this morning next to a stranger, a man leading a double life, a phony, a man I had spent the last 2years of my life yet I barely knew him. Tears coursed down my cheeks as I contemplated what I would say to the 140 guests we had already invited....would I tell them the truth? What was the truth?........That all this while, all these years........I was sharing my bed with a stranger, a man I barely knew.

33 comments:

ShonaVixen said...

First???

Afrobabe said...

Wow, that was passionate and well expressed…don’t even know what to say…I really hope its not a true story..

Jarrai said...

i am 3rd...not bad

Very nicely written miss thang...that women must be devastated, like they say the devil can come in anyform....

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Shona good going, you could well be the Michel Phelps (sp) of Blogsville olympics.

Afrobabe, the backbone of the story is true the details are fudged over to protect (dont know why the hell for) 'him whose name we do not speak'

Jarrai devastation was an understatement, thankfully time heals and 4yrs is a pretty long time..............

tami said...

deep

badderchic said...

excuse me pleaks, I didnt means to sound foolishk but...was it good?

lol

seriously tho, if this is kinda true, well shake it off, well atleast try

Naapali said...

No one truly knows anyone. We always hope we are as close to the truth as we can deal with.

Interesting spin on the story.

Aphrodite said...

I loved the twist at the end.
I absolutely thought it was a one night stand.

Sometimes we never really know some peeps even after being with them for so long.

Laughter said...

My dearie, don't worry you will be fine.
Just trust God, it is hard sometimes to believe that you can never know someone even though you spend years and years with them especially a man. It is well dearie...

Shalom

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

@Tami thanks for stopping by. Tried to portray the range of emotions one feels when they are betrayed by a loved one, especially someone you thought you knew very well.

@ badderchic sometimes the 'bad' is so bad that the 'good' becomes totally irrelevant. This is one of those situations.

@Naapali its true no one totally knows another BUT one would hope that the little that you do know is the honest truth

@ aphrodite things are not always what they seem but some men are quite good at the reverse 'making things seem like what they are not' (i.e making it seem like u their woman when you jus a casual shag)

@Laughter thanks for stopping by.You are right God ever our anchor. I love your name...actually smiled when I read it. Made me think of sunshine , blue skies and sandy beaches (maybe i jus need a holiday lol)

Uzezi said...

what can i say, except.......................... shit happens.


instead of wonder about what to tell the 140 guests, wonder what would have happened, if u had discovered whatever it is u discovered, five, ten years into ur marriage, after two three kids. and u decide to just for the sake of the kids, to live a lie forever.



so, u should be thanking God for the intervention. a blessing in disguise.


and i say all this, believing it's a true story.

if it's fiction, pls whr can i get the full novel?

Mz. Dee said...

dang... dis was nice!!

lovely read.

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Uzezi the story is loosely based on dealings with 'he whose name we do not speak' I mentioned before that the essence of the story is true i.e the part about dating someone for a long time and then discovering that they are not really who/what they say/claim to be, however the context was changed so as to maintain anonymity.

Miz Dee coming from you thats a compliment of great magnitude coz I love your blog.

Funms said...

had to keep coming back here to read. im ready to leave my comment....
its strange when one minute u think u know someone so well, the next u feel u never even met. The most important thing is to make that discovery cuz thats when the problem becomes half solved....
if u had not known till much later, it'd ve been worse.... thank God for opened eyes........
hopefully ur very much over him whose name we do not speak..... xx

Mz. Dee said...

awww u just made my day!!
luv ur blog too!

rayo said...

jeez, so a few nyts ago, i wrote a story along these thots nd lyns nd i come 2 ur blog nd i see a beta version. damn u r goodr

Esmeralda said...

wow!

applause all around Def Maybe, that was a fantastic write-up! the suspense, the storyline! good job.

i feel so sad for the poor girl...

and since u told us that ur stories are def reality then maybe not, i can only hope it's not urs.

Ms.O said...

wow this reminds me of Tamia's song Stranger in my house..listen to it..:D first time here, and this just blew my mind away!

naijalines said...

*Looks for the right words, can't find any*

I sincerely hope this story isn't yours. If it is, be strong because you'll meet someone who is the complete opposite of him...one day.

Indeed people do lead double lives. And how well do we really know our nearest and dearest? We can only hope...well enough.

Sad story but a well crafted piece.

doll said...

This is well written but hope its fiction?

doll said...

After reading the comment: wow. babes hope uv healed?

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

funms as another blogger (soory cant remember the name) said 'better a broken engagement than a broken marriage'

Rayo I wish I had known before I wrote mine then I would have linked your post to mine.Will visit your blog in a minute

Esmeralda, thanks for the compliment, the sad thing though there are plenty of women who end up in similar situations (not as extreme) but I can count the number of my friends who have unsuspectingly gone out with married/attached men.

Ms O, I will definitely go to youtube and listen to it. Will feedback after doing so.

Naijalines, it makes you realise that the likes of Maxine Carr or that woman from (Holland???) whose husband kept his daughter in the cellar with her children, might just might be telling the truth when they say they knew nothig about it

Doll there is no wound that does not eventually heal.

stuck in my throat o said...

I feel your post so much...
We all go through this...
And yes, it is better a broken engagement than a divorce...

aloted said...

wow...i felt the emotions behind this post...

is this a true story?

wow!

aloted said...

ok i have seen the answer to my question.. :)

May God deliver us from evil men!!!

Buttercup said...

oh shit...

one day i wanna get married, the next, the thought just freaks me out..this is one of the latter days...

beautifully written tho!

bumtight said...

we truly do not know anybody, especially when you are in a foreign land, every man forges for himself his present and future, sometimes his fast.

I'm glad you've moved on from this.

Confessions of a London gal said...

I really REALLY love the way u write...gripping!
Lovely blog...

rethots said...

Ouch!

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