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MY MOTHER'S CHILD

'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Friday, August 08, 2008

Today was supposed to be a good day........

Today was supposed to have been a lovely day, not that i had anything special planned.... I just knew. I was in high spirits yesterday, convinced I had got my groove back, I wanted to celebrate, so I did what I usually do when I'm happy. I donned on my shortest barely there skirt, made sure the door was locked, put Kiss on to full blast and proceeded to do my housework, with a pause here and there to wiggle my bum a little or drop it like its hot. I danced, laughed, danced, had a water break, danced again,lowered the volume coz the neighbours were complaining and then did some more dancing. I felt good and I wanted to express it. Yes I could tell that tomorrow (which is now today) was going to be a good day.

I woke up this morning an hour behind schedule which would make me an hour and a half late for work. (If I wake up on time I am normally just 30 mins late....which is okay because the people at work know that what I lack in punctuality I make up for with business ac-um, so they overlook my tardiness, as long as I remain the most competent employee they have. I am now 1:30 mins late for work and worse off I am starting the day with a team meeting which I'm supposed to chair...........first sign that today might not turn out as good as I hoped

.......halfway in the day at work, phone rings its a client requesting an emergency appointment. I cant ignoreit, the client is one of our highest fee payers. I trek 160 miles just to hear her rant about her husband and how she wants me to help her file for divorce. (I'm thinking you selfish B.tch, at least you have a husband to divorce)She spends the next two hours ranting and raving...I realise I will not make my lunch date with my sister which I was looking forward to. The woman goes on and on, I nod in the right places whilst pretending not to look at my watch. a further hour later she states she has changed her mind and will give him another chance.....I trek back 160 miles to the office, having achieved nothing.......today is not really going to be a good day

my late appointment is in town over coffee. I arrive 10 mins late due to road works. He starts shouting at me, loudly in the restaurant. His wife wont let him see the children and that's because of my incompetence he claims, yet I'm newly assigned to this case, the one who is incompetent is on maternity leave, I feel like walking out but I stay..a customer is always right so he must be right..so he keeps shouting, I keep trying to eat my salad, he swears,I have a sip of water, he screams,i pretend to be interested in the painting over his head, he accuses me of ignoring him and then threatens to walk out, he doesn't know that in my mind I have walked out of this meeting over an hour ago........at this point I'm convinced today is not a good day

The one whose name will not be spoken calls, (yes his name will not be spoken.... is never spoken. He whose name will never be spoken committed crimes against humanity towards DM, just the mention of his name rips a fresh scar across my heart...thus he remains the one whose name we do not speak.) .....Hello he says......eeerrr hello says I........I need to speak to you he says (as if he was not already speaking)....I say I am busy....he ignores me....he says he has been thinking about my sexy self and wondering if I had a boyfriend.....I reply yes I have a boyfriend but deep down I'm thinking "Lord why oh why you let Lucifer land on my doorstep?".....he says he wants to see me and in the same breathe he says 'his wife and two sons are travelling from Nigeria next week' aloud I say hmmmmmm silently 'I whisper Lord deliver me from this evil' and hang up the phone........today does not look good at all....clouds are beginning to form on my horizon.

tonight I decide to unwind, nothing is going to bring me down......I go on msn....I have one instant message......YT....he says hie ....I pause debate whether to reply, the fool can see I'm online so I send back a terse ...hie. He writes something back.....I ignore it.....he writes something again....I send back a simple yes....he writes three sentences I respond with a simple maybe.....he writes a whole paragraph and has the audacity to LOL at the end. Dude just doesnt get it does he? he broke my heart at a time i didn't need it broken, he hurt me and I'm trying to get on with my life. He pretends as if we ended on good terms...I know we didn't.....he pretends we are now friends ....we were never friends only lovers...he says he still loves me....I know all he wants is another chance to be able to taste my Kitty Kat if I will permit him.....he thinks we can be friends...I want him out of my life...but he just doesn't get it....He asks me something I send a terse reply again...the fool wont get the message so I said bye and block him as a contact.....At this point I succumb to depression......today is definitely a bad day

tears start falling down my cheeks....I feel overwhelmed.......I break down....my soul is troubled.......I weep ...........not for the client who wasted my time, for i know she loves her husband its his infidelities she hates ......not for he who shouted at me for incompetence, all he wanted was to see his children.........not for he whose name will never be spoken, that jerk is not worth the salt of my tears.......and certainly not for YT, I picked myself up and I've kept on walking. I cried.......... not for those who denied me the chance to have a good day....I wept because all I had wanted and prayed for was for today to just be a good day........

3 comments:

Afrobabe said...

It always hits at the worst of times doesn't it?

I remember standing at the checkout of a shop and tears just started pouring down my face...I wasn't sobbing or nothing....I looked the same ...calm...tears just started pouring....

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

Some days it feels like you've definitely got your groove back, he is a long gone and distant memory, then suddenly you are transformed back in time and you are standing in that precise time capsule where your heart was broken. two steps forward, one step backwards...but if u keep walking you get there...but whilst it lasts yo yo recovery sucks.

tankojjetty said...

i think you just allowed it all to get to you...
i believe our perception makes either our day good or bad....
if you call that a bad day,maybe we should swap jobs...lol
nice blog...
btw i totally love the pic...lol