Free Noodles, Skinny B*tches & Money Induced Orgasms

I nearly had a multiple orgasm whilst standing in line to get free noodles and rice crackers at the newly opened Shimla Pink (Chinese restaurant) just down my street. No i wasn't having sex with some random stranger in the queue jus to pass the time, it was because I Miss Definitely Maybe saw my very first Bugatti Veyron in the flesh, I mean on the road kind of in the flesh and not in some swanky showroom, car show or front pages of Motoring Today. I swear my knees buckled, my stomach did funny little flips and i felt waves of pleasure, that was my first money induced orgasm there and then.

I have never been aggressive when it comes to man hunting, but i nearly whipped off my panties, pushed up my boobs and swore under my breath 'n*gga if you so much as look my way I'm soooooooo gonna do you tonight'......and I was gonna...do him..... like my life depended on it. I haven't been laid in a loooong time and what better way to bring my sexy back than at the back seat of an £800 000 motor f*cking a man who is probably worth 100 times the cost of the said motor. I mean I ain't no gold digga (if my dating record is anything to go by) in fact I love my broke brothers but hey 1998 Honda Accord versus 2007 Bugatti Veyron that's definitely a no brain-er, never mind that said owner of both Bugatti and restaurant was a 40 something, probably midlife crisis undergoing, pot belled dude(he looked like he was hiding more noodles under his sweater than they were giving free at the counter)......I was still going to do him.

So there i was standing in queue, revising my game plan, no longer salivating at the prospect of free noodles and prawn crackers but the chance to tattoo my bottom on those heated leather seats, having hot steamy sex against some classical music background (rich people listen to such nonsense right???), when some skinny bitch appears out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong I have nothing but respect for them skinny bitches, I mean anyone who can live on a diet of Evian water, lettuce leaves and oxygen deserves nothing but respect. I used to think my game was tight, I mean I'm a healthy UK size 10/12 (emphasis on healthy) who has tried all fad diets under the sun to become a slightly skeletal more defined cheekbones and slightly protruding ribcage size 8 and failed miserably so you can understand what i mean when I say i have nothing but respect for those size zero skinny bitches.

Anyway so said skinny bitch walks right up to the door spends 3 or 6 minutes chit chatting with pot belled dude, about the restaurant/free noodles (as if she has ever in her 30 or so years passed a calorie of carbohydrates between those size zero lips of hers), then said skinny bitch brazenly asks to see the motor and before you could say 'hot steamy sex with size zero skinny bitch' pot belled dude was giving his stack of promotional leaflets and instructions to lock up to a probably Honda 1997 driving minion and leading said skinny bitch to the front passenger heated leather seats, and zooming off into the sunset with classical music probably playing in the background. Okay it was 2pm on a cold and frosty afternoon so that sunset was probably a figment of my imagination but damn those skinny bitches sure got game, and she didn't have to whip off her panties, suck in her stomach or push up her boobs, that's why I have nothing but respect for those size zero, Evian water drinking, lettuce nibbling, oxygen sucking skinny bitches.

Lights, Camera, Penis ...........Idiots!!!!!

To all those bubble bursting so and so's (Shubby, Clnmike, Aloofar included) who claimed my 'almost' moment didn't count, I have decided to withhold the juicy details, now we will see if my almost moment isn't a big deal after all ha ha ha ha whose laughing now (LMAO!!!) I'm not completely heartless though, so in compensation I will tell you about some rather idiotic incident that happened a while ago. I know i wasn't born an idiot, I cried when the midwife slapped my bottom, I took to breastfeeding like I had read the manual, I never tried to taste my poo poo like the whole bunch of you when you were kids, and the only subject in which i had to cheat at exams was Maths, so I'm convinced that my transition to idiocy most have happened overnight i probably got struck struck by lightening and in a flash turned from reasonably intelligent to thick, for how else would you explain the episode that happened below?

PS: names have not been changed to protect the identity of the two idiots involved.

(its 11pm, I'm bored, in bed alone twiddling my thumbs, tryin unsuccessfully to count sheep when my phone rang)
ms DM: hello
Spence (idiot 1) : hey Miss DM its been ages
(now me and Spence have been friends since forever, we grew up together)
ms DM (idiot 2): hey Spence, where have you been hiding?
***insert plenty of small talk***

Mr idiot 1: I'm bored
Ms idiot 2: me too (note to self an idle mind is the devil's workshop)

(Ms idiot 2 starts giggling)
Idiot 1: hey idiot 2 whats funny

idiot 2: nothing idiot 1
Idiot 1: come on idiot 2 we have been friends for ages, why are you laughing

Idiot 2, its nothing i swear (idiot 2 starts giggling again)
Idiot 1, now that's really unfair coz i think you laughing at me

Idiot 2: don't be silly, okay I was just thinking back when we were all kids and we used to show each other our bits (insert more giggling here)
Idiot 1:(insert a lot of laughing out loud) we were stupid then, but then we were young and innocent

Idiot 2 : well I'm still young and innocent.
Idiot 1, ha ha ha ha so you are saying you would still show your bits?

Idiot 2, if i wanted to yes, now wouldn't it be funny if we compared our bits sought of like before and after (more foolish giggling)
Idiot 1: LOL that would be funny

idiot 2: show me yours
Idiot 1: are you crazy how??????????

idiot 2: just show me.......send me a picture message or something and i will send you one
Idiot 1: lol okay hold on

Idiot 2: seriously?????????
Idiot 1, yeah why not we are friends aren't we ?

idiot 2, (insert more foolish giggling )am waiting
Idiot one: have you received it yet?

idiot 2 : still waiting.......
idiot 2: hold on I have a text message (starts giggling)
Idiot 2: i cant believe you actually sent it ha ha ha ha

idiot 1: what you laughing at? I'm more than averaged sized
idiot 2 :yes its very big but this is really naughty (not to mention incredibly foolish)

idiot 1: I'm waiting.........its your turn
idiot 2: say what????????????????????????

idiot 1: well we have a deal, you said show me and i will show you, so its your turn
idiot 2: (don't insert any more giggling, just a really uncomfortable silence) errrrrrrrrrrrrr but..

idiot 1: Idiot 2 don't you try and play me now.
idiot 2: my phone camera ain't working plus the lighting in here ain't good

idiot 1 : ( starts hurling abuse) you ain't playing fair
idiot 2: am sending , have sent (sent a blank pic)
idiot 1 (hurls abuse, loads of F words, C words and B words)you are a spoilt bitch, selfish c*nt, you feasted on my shit now you don't want to keep your end of the deal

idiot 2 N*gga i cant possibly show you my thing
idi0t 1 why the hell not

idiot 2: what if i get recognised,
idiot1: so you get recognised by your p*ssy now????? I'm not asking for a face jus your p*ssy dammit!!!!!!(insert loads of shouting)

Idiot 1 demands his pic back, which i resend, but then phones to say how does he know i deleted it from my phone, and that I have probably forwarded it to my friends and sh*t, he hurls some more abuse, (i hurl my own abuse) then he says he doesn't want to speak to me again and slams the phone down. (Idiot 2 has just lost a friend.)

WHY, HOW two adults over the age of 26 could absolutely engage in such foolishness I don't know but all i know is........... Hi my name is Ms DM and I'm an utter numpty.

Almost Doesn't Count ..........

This past weekend, I almost got laid..........

BUT

Almost Doesn't Count, Right?????

well in this instance

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the END.

or is this........................

the beginning...............

Why I should join Alcoholics R Us ............

I have done so many things these past two weeks that I ought not to, that its a miracle that the good Lord has not struck me with lightening in disgust (and no this is not a laughing out loud matter either) anyway this Cinderella lost her glass slipper but the not so careful Prince Charming in his haste to run after her, tripped, fell and broke the damn slipper (unfortunately the fairy godmother forgot to give our Cindy an instruction manual on what happens in such a situation and until she does.....)well thats a story for another day. As promised I have posted the results of my alcaholic anon quiz. But i was still quite drunk when i took it so my answers are probably seriously flawed.

Rules
This simple quiz may help you answer the question, “Am I an alcoholic?” Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer.

Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised with liver disease?
No. definitely not. You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or when the hangover hurts so bad you call in sick for work and it's made you so stupid you use "something escaped at the zoo so I had to help catch it" as an excuse again.

3.Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?
Definitely not!!!!!!!!!!! But I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch. (No)

4. At your neighbourhood bar: Do they know you by the name on your licence/fake ID, know your usual drink and who to call when you pass out?
I don't have a 'usual' drink, the usual changes according to the time of the month (in relation to pay day), how broke I am or who is paying so the answer is NO.

5. You generally hang out with drinkers you met at a pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores or have bartenders and waitresses as your friends?
Okay this is stupid who at 26 'still hangs out'? I socialise, I 'entertain' and I have a tete a tate's but i do not hang out, that's for teenagers. So NO

6.Given a choice you would rather never ever drink water mixed with worms than a drink containing more than 40% alcohol?
Actually I would rather drink the worm infested water provided the worms are germs and they are actually invisible to the naked eye, or better still I would rather drink the worm infested water mixed with 40% alcohol so NO I do not choose the alcohol over the worms I would rather have both.

9. You've learned to act sober even when you are gone with the wind
no when I'm gone with the wind (drunk) I act like I'm gone with the wind. trying to act sober requires too much effort which i could really put towards getting even wasted so the answer again is no.

7. You are comfortable sitting alone and drinking whether at home or the pub especially when you are really depressed ?
No. I never drink alone because I'm too stingy to buy my own round, and technically in a pub you can never drink alone, coz there will be other drinkers even though they are not sat at your table. So NO

8. You drink all week and take a day off to recuperate
No i never drink all week but i can drink in one day what one is supposed to drink in a week (i drink a week's alcohol allowance in a day then take the whole week to recuperate but that was not the question was it , so NO

10. Can you drive better drunk than you can sober ?
Well I have never entered a do you drive better drunk or sober contest to check my driving skills so I could not accurately answer this question. However I have never had an accident driving sober or drunk so using simple logic this would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are similar so NO.

11.Every morning you wake up with a curiosity of the night before and a headache
No not every morning, who wakes up with a headache every morning? surely you would have gone to see your GP ages ago or be registered disabled by now and besides I wake up not wanting to remember the previous night instead of being curious about it so the answer is NO.

12. You drink whenever you can but will occasionally decide that a sober night with your honey might be cool ?
This question is irrelevant because I do not have a 'honey' (yuck ). so i would have to answer NO

14. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons none of which include drinking. In actual fact drinking makes my home life actually seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (PS: what do you mean home life though?, if you live alone with your three cats does that still constitute a home life?)

15. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
NO for that to happen I would need to have a reputation in the first instance. I was born without a reputation or have completely tarnished it into non existence, So the answer is NO

16. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?
NO I really wish people would mind their own business ALL the time and not just in relation to my drinking. in fact I wouldnt mind them being all up in my drinking bizz if that meant they would stay out of my other work/home/lifestyle/and work related bizzness. So the answer is NO.

17. Do you sometimes “skip” breakfast or lunch so that you’ll have more money to spend on drinks?
NO I earn enough to be able to have breakfast and lunch and then go out for drinks too so the answer is NO

18. In arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk having to deal with you when you’ve gotten overexcited?
They concede my points because my points make sense, and I'm convincing, besides until I have the stamina of Mike Tyson I would never be confident enough to try and attempt to 'deal with' people so the answer is NO.

19. You are always drunk and can no longer handle your drink?
NO I can definitely handle my drink. To illustrate this point more clearly last night I had --- bottles of Asti and my sober aunt told me this morning "you didn't seem drunk at ALL." So the answer is NO.

20. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
I always get drunk on purpose. so again NO.

21.Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
Please refer to question 17, but in case you need further clarification, No i was already in financial difficulties way before I started drinking. Also when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of getting into financial difficulties I am wise enough to put away my wallet and blag rounds of friends or stupid male losers who actually think i will end up going home with them that night. So the answer is NO.

22. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
LOL I wish I could answer yes to this one coz it would be funny if my friends who happen to be my drinking companions read this. But what do you mean lower companions? is this like people poorer than me? in less well to do jobs? or is it a politically correct term to refer to prostitutes? The answer is still no, I am definitely open and adventurous when it comes to sexing and willing to try anything (well almost) but I'm yet to visit a gigolo (maybe I'm jus stingy and have been managing to get sex for free so far so why start paying?) so again NO.

23.Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
No I would never put my friends and family through risks they are not willing to take. If I'm going to drive with my toes when drunk, or if its at 145miles an hour I will ask if they are willing to be in the car and will carry out a thorough risk assessment before hand (i.e ask if they are wearing their seat belts) so the answer is no. However I have nearly burnt the house down once but the family were away on vacation hence it doesn't count as their welfare was not present for me to be careless about. So NO.

24.Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If everyday at exactly 12:34pm you craved a drink that would be pretty weird wouldn't it? I have occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 12pm sometimes at 8pm sometimes at 3am and sometimes at 7:30am. I'm yet to crave a drink everyday at the same time so the answer is NO.

25.Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
No actually drinking makes me sleep better. I go out on a Friday night and sleep the whole weekend through from Saturday to Monday morning just recuperating coz i will be feeling like shyt so NO i do not have difficulty sleeping after i drink.

26. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
I do not understand this question but will endeavour our to answer it as well as I can. I have never been energy efficient,I don't recycle and I always dry my clothes in the drier so no my energy efficiency has not decreased. If you mean efficiency at work you best asking my manager but in imho(in my honest opinion) I have never been efficient at my work, the only thing that stops me being fired is my lecherous boss. So the answer is NO

27. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Now this is just ridiculous how would i know I have had a complete memory loss if i had a complete memory loss? seriously ARE YOU DRUNK????? But just for the record I have had a partial memory loss like forgot where my house was but get the street right so NO i have never experienced complete memory loss.

28. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
No never, I have never had an illness called 'drinking' is that similar to the flu? So again NO.

29. You are definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?
Definitely not. If anything I'm more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities and will carry on as before, so NO.

30. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
What do you mean institution? Is this college or university or you mean like mental institution? Well I got news for you, if its the latter they would have to catch me first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been in a hospital but not because I was drinking. I have been in a hospital because someone who was drinking whacked a glass bottle over my friend and i was the unfortunate b**st*rd who had gone out with her and there was no one else in the vicinity so i couldn't leave her bleeding self lying on the damn concrete could I? So yes I have been in a hospital on account of drinking but just not my own. Yes

Scoreboards *
If you have 0- 1 it is relatively safe for u to be heading towards the drinks cabinet,
2-3 watch that drink buddy and joining the gym to get rid of that beer belly/gut/love handles/stretchmarks wont hurt!!
4-5 You are most likely to be an alcoholic, if this diagnosis is inaccurate you were probably one in your previous life.
6 -10 yes and above, please join your nearest AA meeting immediately.
10 and above, i would have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as inciting someone to commit suicide which is a federal offence and I'm unwilling to go to prison on your account. Enough said.

My Score
Hippee 1 yes and 29 NO's. so its confirmed, contrary to what my mum, pastor, doctor and everyone else who knows me thinks, I Miss DM am definitely NOT an alcoholic!!!!! this calls for a celebration anyone care to join me at the pub to celebrate??? the first 80 rounds are on me. LOL

* the questions are real but the scoreboard is not. I would have wished you all happy new year but you've probably been wished that so many times that its beginning to do your head in.....so please just have a drink on my behalf coz im planning to spend the rest of the year stone cold sober.

The Morning After, the Night Before .........

Damn,I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, it was like a terrible untalented loud ass rock band was practising in my head. The 21st birthday party was on Christmas eve, technically I went, but i didn't attend (confusing I know, but that's a story for another day). I stayed up all night waiting for Santa with my bottles of Asti (note the plural) and got sloshed, I mean stone drunk. Its a good thing my two 'audiences' were asleep.

I ended up doing what I always do when I'm drunk........ (which I'm not going to tell you coz you would probably kill me (for throwing my sanity outta the window in an 'i know I'm going to regret this in the morning but what the heck' kind of way)trust me I'm equally mortified, but do i regret it?....Not yet (coz I'm still not clear what actually happened). Which is why I think i need to stop drinking c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y coz clearly even having a drink once every six months is not working. So i decided to take an 'are you an alcaholic quiz lol' all i will say is "interesting results" will probably post my answers up when i get writers block.

Now that confession time is over, can I make an announcement to all those who buy;
a)knitwear,
b)cheap ass beauty stuff like bath salts, lotions, gels, which are more likely than not to give you rashes and pimples,
c)anything out of the pound shop or anything that looks as if is from the pound shop
d) food in isolation(this includes chocolates, sweets, fruit baskets)
e) outdated electrical stuff such as a play station 1, cameras that still take film, video players etc
f) anything else that ought to make this list but I didn't think about
when it comes to buying Christmas presents...newsflash... "its not only the thought that counts!!!"

My secret Santa at work bought me a cheap ass prezzie I think Santa went to pound-land, i am so disgruntled, I put so much effort in what i bought, I'm glad Santa was anonymous otherwise ....lets just say this would have been his last winter lol yeah am that pissed off about it!!!!!!!!. Personally (i don't know about any one else) I would rather have an expensive Balenciaga bag (Santa hint hint) which has been totally bought on the spur of the moment without any real 'thought' than two plastic plates that have been bought after careful consideration.... that's just me unfortunately I'm shallow like that.

My aunt wins a mini hoover at a Christmas party, so she phones me up and asks if i would like a hoover for my car, so me not being able to pass on freebies was like 'yes please', she says 'cool that is what is your Christmas prezzie,' at this point i do a double take, I will be damned if i accept a mini vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I wait the whole year for Santa only for him to come thru my chimney trudging a hoover? WTF!!!!! I said 'eeerrrr no thanks I will be honoured if thy shalt not give me thy hoover for Christmas,' so she's promised me something else, but she huffed and puffed (in a harmless way lol) that I, like Scrooge lacked a bit of Christmas spirit coz its the thought that counts. I mean don't give me all that bull about the thought counting (absolutely no thought what so ever went into this, she won it in a lucky dip remember), so what if that particular one was expensive, a hoover is always a hoover, damn even my mama still gets lingerie for Christmas lol.

Some people should just know when to shut the F up!!!!. Take my boss for instance, on Wednesday we happened to meet in the corridor just as I'm about to enter into the 'ladies/ lavatory/ the bathroom/ the toilet/ the powder room/ the washroom (delete as appropriate depending in which country you are in lol). Anyway he says 'do you have a minute?' (now what kind of question is that to ask someone standing at the door of a lavatory?) so I'm like 'not really, give me a minute' (coz i needed to 'go' I have one of the weakest bladders on planet earth) but he says 'oh this will only be a minute,' so i say 'sure'(and he rattles on and on about a case I'm currently working on) and this point im crossing my legs (coz its THATS bad) but he doesn't stop, I'm tryna interrupt but the fool keeps talking, so i put my hand on the door handle thinking he would get the hint but does he stop? No, the minute he said he was going to take becomes five, ten or 3 hours (according to my bladder anyway), so i open the main door into the ladies and kinda put one foot in (so that he could pointedly see that i now had to go) but he drones on and on, he just has no clue (the same goes for his managerial skills) and this point I'm just about to pee in my pants, so i say look i will speak to you later okay, and he has the nerve to say I'm nearly done jus gimme a second, i just make a dash for the nearest cubicle and even as i closed the door i heard him yell something else which sounded like 'Do you want me to leave the file on your desk so you can check the scro paperwork before we shut down for Christmas?' I'm like, wtf does this fool expect to carry on with this conversation whilst I'm peeing too????

On a totally random but randy note, am watching this movie where they are making Johnny upstairs seem like an amateur ....I s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y need air, its not easy trying to be celibate, 'if true love waits' then true love needs to get its behind here asap lol. Most of the times I'm kinda into 'not getting any' but on nights like this......sweet Jesus....its just temptation, temptation, temptation. So Santa if you are reading this please hurry up with those giant ear muffs AND true love...in fact if you are going to deliver the true love in time for this Christmas season you might as well forget those giant ear muffs cause i plan to give Johnny and his girl upstairs a ride for their money coz they sure ain't the only ones with vocal chords lol.

Im not the mushy type but to all my blogville family, happy holidays and a big thank you for keeping me sane even when my world felt like a sanitorium. Love you all.......thats enough mushiness, lemme get back to my movie.........

Liar Liar, Pants on fire

Wahala wont leave me alone oh!!!!!! My former best friend (the one i stopped hanging out with coz she was too much of a ho for my liking and her unscrupulous reputation was now threatening to shadow and subsequently dilute my own clean cut girl next door image) is now dating HIM. (you can read about him in that link)

men are sooooooo fickle, to think that it was only yesterday when he was planning a romantic break with me to Paris. Were it not for the inconvenience of a new job and lack of time off ............. okay that's a lie cause I would never have gone with him he is too much trouble for my delicate heart. But anyway my question is (mainly to the men up in here) if you were seriously chasing a chicca and she keeps saying no outright what is a decent mourning period before chasing another girl that she may or may not know about? b) I have learnt that x's should not be passed on to friends but what can be said about x best friends and guys who tried their luck and failed, what does the friendship/relationship manual got to say about that one??????

Anyway I went to her place to pick up the rest of my stuff left over from 'the best friend days' and the whole flat was swarming in roses and Lilly's. Seriously it was as if you walked into a Macy's type departmental store only difference would be this would sell only flowers. Now I'm always one for juicy gossip so I'm like 'oh new suitor' and she blah blahed and mumbled something like 'M gave them to me as a moving home gift' i was like oh really I didn't know you and M were cool like that, and she was like oh we just hang and i was like oh cool but deep down i was thinking 'that's sure a lot of flowers, for jus hanging, damn if those Lilly's are just for 'hanging out' what would he give someone he touched first let alone third base with'.....but i said nothing I just picked up my stuff and left.

So after church last weekend, I decided to pick up some last minute Christmas presents and who do i bump into M and the ex best friend hand in hand, with a Hermes bag draped casually around her arm. i jus knew it had to be true, the part of my heart currently reserved for all things sinfully expensive (which includes designer bags) cried a few silent tears lol. they convince me into having some sort of brunch. So the two idiots are making a complete fool out of me touching underneath the table and shiiiiii. I pretend not to notice but he's acting like he is doing it on purpose kind saying to me 'yeah you could have had all of this ' he was really rubbing it in like oh we going to France for a friends holiday do you want to come, blah blah blah. and they are still claiming to be friends..... liar liar someone's pants should be scotching hot by now. I dont mind (seriously) if they are dating, his rich (i love all things sinfully expensive) but his too much of a player (hence not my type), but i just wish they could be a bit more upfront about things coz there is nothing to hide. To be honest those two truly deserve each other (in a not so good way lol)

Anyway the real drama happened yesterday there I am in Morrison's doing my last minute shopping (who am i kidding I shop all the time) and who do i bump into ..... yes M and some seemingly pregnant white chick(or she was just fat with a huge potbelly) canoodling at the cheese counter I do a double take (chick has an identical hermes Bag to my ex best friend, this boy must be buying in bulk lol) but I jus say hi and go about my biz (this is M we talking about). M calls me up this morning and says blah blah blah can i not tell my ex best friend about this blah blah blah and I'm like in the sweetest voice ever ..."Now why would i want to do that, after all you two are just really good friends aren't you ? " (and hang up on his stupid ass, mschewwwwwww)

Its my sisters 21st birthday on Wednesday, and she's having a party at her house, I cant wait. Its been a good 6 months since i last had some wine......so I'm saving up all my calories to enjoy some Asti this Wednesday....I deserve it!!!!!!

'Only a fool breaks his own heart'

I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish. But occasionally if i was to rate my behaviour on a scale of 1-10, 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly foolish, well I guess would rate at about 9.6 (and that's me being incredibly lenient with myself lol).I have learnt through the events of the past three weeks that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and just becomes plain foolishness/stupidity especially when the shared thing in question is called a man.

I have always had this annoying (now I realise incredibly foolish) habit of trying to push my ex boyfriends on to my friends. I guess I had some warped philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me but right for one of my friends then it wasn't a pointless 5 months, 1 year or 3 year but that God was using me for some higher cause and it wasn't my flaws that pushed him away (hey i did mention warped didn't I lol).

anyway so two weeks ago i decided to try and force an X of mine onto a friend, now normally this has never worked for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would
a) want a girlfriend hooked up by their x who may or may not have a vendetta
b) want a man who is their friends reject, coz why else would he have been dumped if he didn't have a million and one flaws?
c)this screams desperation and no one wants to be seen as desperate (even if they are really desperate).
But on this occasion luck (so i thought then) was on my side. Friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and X boyfriend.......well i didn't know much about x boyfriend we stopped talking (or rather i stopped taking his calls) many moons ago.

Anyway so i spend the whole day and most of the evening extolling the virtues of the X boyfriend. I lied, i exaggerated and i unashamedly made up information where I didn't have a clue. So it worked by the end of the evening friend of a friend was drooling at the mouth, eyes watering , savouring the thought of bagging X boyfriend. She asked me for his number and literally called him then and then, girl wasn't taking any chances, i felt like saying slow down b*tch, this ain't a rush for the last drumstick on the plate but i held my breath. So they talked the whole night, and the morning after, and the whole afternoon, it was then that i started having slight misgivings that this wasn't such a good idea after all.....but unfortunately the horse had already bolted.

Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and ask for advice tips of what he likes blah blah blah, part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing, and well the other part just really wanted to be happy for them, you know 'the whole God is using me for a higher cause bullsh*t'. the guy was pulling out all the stops, freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and sexy lingerie under pillows (got my friend to sneak it in) , handwritten notes and lil poems (okay i knew he was a hopeless romantic but WTF when did he start writing letters???I felt like picking up the phone and having a go like 'hey you never wrote to me!!!! I started having niggling doubts like 'maybe i was too hasty breaking up with the dude', 'maybe i took him too much for granted and never realised all he had to offer ' now here he was taking friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back' damn it could have been me in the cockpit of that space ship.

Friend of a friend then decided to call me, they were finally going to meet last Monday and boy was she so excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah blah (at this point I had stopped listening, all i wanted to scream was 'yeah I know all that I bloody dated the dude for a whole year remember!!!. She decides to end the call by stating 'You must be a fool to have let him go, cause he seems such an incredible guy'

Then my friend calls me, and diplomatically asks if i would get rid of the photo album as its not really appropriate for me to still keep it given the circumstances. (in case you don't know I have a whole album full of photos me and the X boyfriend took on a romantic break away. I haven't disposed of the album simply cause
a) i look stunning in all the photos lol and
b) I had fun on that holiday, an incredible time so why should i throw away all my photos coz she feels uncomfortable, hell if she was uncomfortable with me having dated him surely she should not have agreed to date him too.

Anyway so on Wednesday they met, and apparently it didn't go so well. My friend informed me that my X for some reason or other (i will not speculate lol) decided that all he wanted was just to be friends blah blah blah. the calls have nearly all but stopped, there are no more chocolates or poems under her pillow, guess she will have to wear the sexy lingerie for someone else( lol am not gloating but if truth be told im incredibly relieved). Needless to say now friend of a friend and my friend were mad at me, apparently they think i set her up or something. She was ranting on the phone to me ' you knew he was an ass why were you hooking me up blah blah' (talk about being ungrateful, was she not the one a few days ago claiming that I was a fool to let him go??

I haven't cried in a long time but I cried when i got off the phone, not because I still love him, its strange i never really loved the guy, nor did i want him back, nor does he make my list of the top boyfriends ever to grace the earth, but i cried all the same. I cried coz of my photo album, I cried coz this situation was becoming incredibly complicated, i cried coz i realised that only a fool by her actions breaks her own heart. I'm genuinely sorry for her though cause i too thought that they had a good thing going (I cried remember) but on a positive note at least I get to keep my photo album lol.

Anyway we are somewhat cool now. We all met yesterday and were able to laugh it off somewhat. But never again will I attempt to do something so foolish as to try and hook up my friends with an X boyfriend, coz ..........................


ps: Santa please hurry with those giant ear muffs, Johhny and his girlfriend are now invading my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not a knock knock joke .........

So yesterday evening I get a knock on my door and its Addicted my neighbour from downstairs. Now I secretly call him addicted coz he is addicted to weed, women and loud reggae music (I'm not sure in which order they come but he has been known to experience all his three pleasures simultaneously, that's how addicted he is. Anyway addicted lands on my doorstep wanting to do some borrowing or two.

Apparently he is entertaining (i bet you all know what that means) he offered his special guest some tea and when he went to look into the cupboard he realised F*%$k his run out of teabags and the corner shops are all closed so would i be kind enough to lend him a tea bag or two (in case she drinks like an elephant and asks for another cuppa or two) In my head I'm thinking WTF n*gga have you been smoking too much weed, what kind of a knock knock joke is this sh*t, me and this n*gga aren't even on talking terms even though we do listen to the same radio(his loud ass reggae music) ? But dude is dead serious, so I'm like why didn't you jus say u've run out? and he gives me this look as if to say 'are you for real, and lose out on the opportunity to get laid, hell I would rather embarrass myself by asking a random neighbor for teabags than miss out on potentially great sex'.

I spend a few minutes ramaging in my kitchen cupboard (i drink coffee and herbal teas only) and I manage to find exactly 12 teabags left. I'm doing a mental calculation of how many teabags can I give him without seeming stingy, as I am debating whether 3/4 or 7 is ideal, Addicted is shouting from the doorway, 'oh please can you hurry up coz she will wonder where I've gone to'. I am thinking this is plan ridiculous and just give him all the 12 tea bags. So now i am teabag less. the boy has the cheek to promise to pay me back, as if i will be knocking on his door anytime soon asking for my 12 teabags back...........maybe i ought to and ask for a drop of cooking oil whilst im at it lol

So I was telling my friend today what happened and we started talking about some of the most bizarre/ outrageous things we have ever been asked to lend or we have borrowed in the past she proceeded to tell me that when she was at university she used to borrow her best friends vibrator and just put a condom on top of it. somebody say ewwww ewwww ewwwwww ewwww on my behalf please!!!!!!! My point was its dirty, unhygienic, and just proper disgusting, her argument is that she washed the vibrator before and then put a condom on it, which is just the same as sleeping with a guy who has slept with someone else, but even better as she can not get HIV from it. I get her point but that's just taking borrowing to a whole new level.....can somebody say ewwwwww ewwww ewwwww again!!!!!!

So what are some of the crazy things you have been asked to lend or you have borrowed in the past.......please don't say a vibrator or teabags lol.