'I live in a space inside my head,a cluttered space crammed with random thoughts about life, love and the struggle of being a 27yr old african woman trying to 'find' herself but losing her self in the process.I always vowed when I was growing up that I would do things differently from my mother. As the years have gone by I find myself modelling my life on the woman I thought I wasn't strong enough to become,'(If you ever have the chance to meet my mother even once, to be given the chance to be half the woman my mother is, you will know that you have been truly blessed) Finally I have had to embrace the fact, that I'm nothing but My Mother's Child....

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Morning After, the Night Before .........

Damn,I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, it was like a terrible untalented loud ass rock band was practising in my head. The 21st birthday party was on Christmas eve, technically I went, but i didn't attend (confusing I know, but that's a story for another day). I stayed up all night waiting for Santa with my bottles of Asti (note the plural) and got sloshed, I mean stone drunk. Its a good thing my two 'audiences' were asleep.

I ended up doing what I always do when I'm drunk........ (which I'm not going to tell you coz you would probably kill me (for throwing my sanity outta the window in an 'i know I'm going to regret this in the morning but what the heck' kind of way)trust me I'm equally mortified, but do i regret it?....Not yet (coz I'm still not clear what actually happened). Which is why I think i need to stop drinking c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y coz clearly even having a drink once every six months is not working. So i decided to take an 'are you an alcaholic quiz lol' all i will say is "interesting results" will probably post my answers up when i get writers block.

Now that confession time is over, can I make an announcement to all those who buy;
b)cheap ass beauty stuff like bath salts, lotions, gels, which are more likely than not to give you rashes and pimples,
c)anything out of the pound shop or anything that looks as if is from the pound shop
d) food in isolation(this includes chocolates, sweets, fruit baskets)
e) outdated electrical stuff such as a play station 1, cameras that still take film, video players etc
f) anything else that ought to make this list but I didn't think about
when it comes to buying Christmas presents...newsflash... "its not only the thought that counts!!!"

My secret Santa at work bought me a cheap ass prezzie I think Santa went to pound-land, i am so disgruntled, I put so much effort in what i bought, I'm glad Santa was anonymous otherwise ....lets just say this would have been his last winter lol yeah am that pissed off about it!!!!!!!!. Personally (i don't know about any one else) I would rather have an expensive Balenciaga bag (Santa hint hint) which has been totally bought on the spur of the moment without any real 'thought' than two plastic plates that have been bought after careful consideration.... that's just me unfortunately I'm shallow like that.

My aunt wins a mini hoover at a Christmas party, so she phones me up and asks if i would like a hoover for my car, so me not being able to pass on freebies was like 'yes please', she says 'cool that is what is your Christmas prezzie,' at this point i do a double take, I will be damned if i accept a mini vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I wait the whole year for Santa only for him to come thru my chimney trudging a hoover? WTF!!!!! I said 'eeerrrr no thanks I will be honoured if thy shalt not give me thy hoover for Christmas,' so she's promised me something else, but she huffed and puffed (in a harmless way lol) that I, like Scrooge lacked a bit of Christmas spirit coz its the thought that counts. I mean don't give me all that bull about the thought counting (absolutely no thought what so ever went into this, she won it in a lucky dip remember), so what if that particular one was expensive, a hoover is always a hoover, damn even my mama still gets lingerie for Christmas lol.

Some people should just know when to shut the F up!!!!. Take my boss for instance, on Wednesday we happened to meet in the corridor just as I'm about to enter into the 'ladies/ lavatory/ the bathroom/ the toilet/ the powder room/ the washroom (delete as appropriate depending in which country you are in lol). Anyway he says 'do you have a minute?' (now what kind of question is that to ask someone standing at the door of a lavatory?) so I'm like 'not really, give me a minute' (coz i needed to 'go' I have one of the weakest bladders on planet earth) but he says 'oh this will only be a minute,' so i say 'sure'(and he rattles on and on about a case I'm currently working on) and this point im crossing my legs (coz its THATS bad) but he doesn't stop, I'm tryna interrupt but the fool keeps talking, so i put my hand on the door handle thinking he would get the hint but does he stop? No, the minute he said he was going to take becomes five, ten or 3 hours (according to my bladder anyway), so i open the main door into the ladies and kinda put one foot in (so that he could pointedly see that i now had to go) but he drones on and on, he just has no clue (the same goes for his managerial skills) and this point I'm just about to pee in my pants, so i say look i will speak to you later okay, and he has the nerve to say I'm nearly done jus gimme a second, i just make a dash for the nearest cubicle and even as i closed the door i heard him yell something else which sounded like 'Do you want me to leave the file on your desk so you can check the scro paperwork before we shut down for Christmas?' I'm like, wtf does this fool expect to carry on with this conversation whilst I'm peeing too????

On a totally random but randy note, am watching this movie where they are making Johnny upstairs seem like an amateur ....I s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y need air, its not easy trying to be celibate, 'if true love waits' then true love needs to get its behind here asap lol. Most of the times I'm kinda into 'not getting any' but on nights like this......sweet Jesus....its just temptation, temptation, temptation. So Santa if you are reading this please hurry up with those giant ear muffs AND true fact if you are going to deliver the true love in time for this Christmas season you might as well forget those giant ear muffs cause i plan to give Johnny and his girl upstairs a ride for their money coz they sure ain't the only ones with vocal chords lol.

Im not the mushy type but to all my blogville family, happy holidays and a big thank you for keeping me sane even when my world felt like a sanitorium. Love you all.......thats enough mushiness, lemme get back to my movie.........

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Liar Liar, Pants on fire

Wahala wont leave me alone oh!!!!!! My former best friend (the one i stopped hanging out with coz she was too much of a ho for my liking and her unscrupulous reputation was now threatening to shadow and subsequently dilute my own clean cut girl next door image) is now dating HIM. (you can read about him in that link)

men are sooooooo fickle, to think that it was only yesterday when he was planning a romantic break with me to Paris. Were it not for the inconvenience of a new job and lack of time off ............. okay that's a lie cause I would never have gone with him he is too much trouble for my delicate heart. But anyway my question is (mainly to the men up in here) if you were seriously chasing a chicca and she keeps saying no outright what is a decent mourning period before chasing another girl that she may or may not know about? b) I have learnt that x's should not be passed on to friends but what can be said about x best friends and guys who tried their luck and failed, what does the friendship/relationship manual got to say about that one??????

Anyway I went to her place to pick up the rest of my stuff left over from 'the best friend days' and the whole flat was swarming in roses and Lilly's. Seriously it was as if you walked into a Macy's type departmental store only difference would be this would sell only flowers. Now I'm always one for juicy gossip so I'm like 'oh new suitor' and she blah blahed and mumbled something like 'M gave them to me as a moving home gift' i was like oh really I didn't know you and M were cool like that, and she was like oh we just hang and i was like oh cool but deep down i was thinking 'that's sure a lot of flowers, for jus hanging, damn if those Lilly's are just for 'hanging out' what would he give someone he touched first let alone third base with'.....but i said nothing I just picked up my stuff and left.

So after church last weekend, I decided to pick up some last minute Christmas presents and who do i bump into M and the ex best friend hand in hand, with a Hermes bag draped casually around her arm. i jus knew it had to be true, the part of my heart currently reserved for all things sinfully expensive (which includes designer bags) cried a few silent tears lol. they convince me into having some sort of brunch. So the two idiots are making a complete fool out of me touching underneath the table and shiiiiii. I pretend not to notice but he's acting like he is doing it on purpose kind saying to me 'yeah you could have had all of this ' he was really rubbing it in like oh we going to France for a friends holiday do you want to come, blah blah blah. and they are still claiming to be friends..... liar liar someone's pants should be scotching hot by now. I dont mind (seriously) if they are dating, his rich (i love all things sinfully expensive) but his too much of a player (hence not my type), but i just wish they could be a bit more upfront about things coz there is nothing to hide. To be honest those two truly deserve each other (in a not so good way lol)

Anyway the real drama happened yesterday there I am in Morrison's doing my last minute shopping (who am i kidding I shop all the time) and who do i bump into ..... yes M and some seemingly pregnant white chick(or she was just fat with a huge potbelly) canoodling at the cheese counter I do a double take (chick has an identical hermes Bag to my ex best friend, this boy must be buying in bulk lol) but I jus say hi and go about my biz (this is M we talking about). M calls me up this morning and says blah blah blah can i not tell my ex best friend about this blah blah blah and I'm like in the sweetest voice ever ..."Now why would i want to do that, after all you two are just really good friends aren't you ? " (and hang up on his stupid ass, mschewwwwwww)

Its my sisters 21st birthday on Wednesday, and she's having a party at her house, I cant wait. Its been a good 6 months since i last had some I'm saving up all my calories to enjoy some Asti this Wednesday....I deserve it!!!!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

'Only a fool breaks his own heart'

You Are A Fool glitters
I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish. But occasionally if i was to rate my behaviour on a scale of 1-10, 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly foolish, well I guess would rate at about 9.6 (and that's me being incredibly lenient with myself lol).I have learnt through the events of the past three weeks that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and just becomes plain foolishness/stupidity especially when the shared thing in question is called a man.

I have always had this annoying (now I realise incredibly foolish) habit of trying to push my ex boyfriends on to my friends. I guess I had some warped philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me but right for one of my friends then it wasn't a pointless 5 months, 1 year or 3 year but that God was using me for some higher cause and it wasn't my flaws that pushed him away (hey i did mention warped didn't I lol).

anyway so two weeks ago i decided to try and force an X of mine onto a friend, now normally this has never worked for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would
a) want a girlfriend hooked up by their x who may or may not have a vendetta
b) want a man who is their friends reject, coz why else would he have been dumped if he didn't have a million and one flaws?
c)this screams desperation and no one wants to be seen as desperate (even if they are really desperate).
But on this occasion luck (so i thought then) was on my side. Friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and X boyfriend.......well i didn't know much about x boyfriend we stopped talking (or rather i stopped taking his calls) many moons ago.

Anyway so i spend the whole day and most of the evening extolling the virtues of the X boyfriend. I lied, i exaggerated and i unashamedly made up information where I didn't have a clue. So it worked by the end of the evening friend of a friend was drooling at the mouth, eyes watering , savouring the thought of bagging X boyfriend. She asked me for his number and literally called him then and then, girl wasn't taking any chances, i felt like saying slow down b*tch, this ain't a rush for the last drumstick on the plate but i held my breath. So they talked the whole night, and the morning after, and the whole afternoon, it was then that i started having slight misgivings that this wasn't such a good idea after all.....but unfortunately the horse had already bolted.

Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and ask for advice tips of what he likes blah blah blah, part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing, and well the other part just really wanted to be happy for them, you know 'the whole God is using me for a higher cause bullsh*t'. the guy was pulling out all the stops, freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and sexy lingerie under pillows (got my friend to sneak it in) , handwritten notes and lil poems (okay i knew he was a hopeless romantic but WTF when did he start writing letters???I felt like picking up the phone and having a go like 'hey you never wrote to me!!!! I started having niggling doubts like 'maybe i was too hasty breaking up with the dude', 'maybe i took him too much for granted and never realised all he had to offer ' now here he was taking friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back' damn it could have been me in the cockpit of that space ship.

Friend of a friend then decided to call me, they were finally going to meet last Monday and boy was she so excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah blah (at this point I had stopped listening, all i wanted to scream was 'yeah I know all that I bloody dated the dude for a whole year remember!!!. She decides to end the call by stating 'You must be a fool to have let him go, cause he seems such an incredible guy'

Then my friend calls me, and diplomatically asks if i would get rid of the photo album as its not really appropriate for me to still keep it given the circumstances. (in case you don't know I have a whole album full of photos me and the X boyfriend took on a romantic break away. I haven't disposed of the album simply cause
a) i look stunning in all the photos lol and
b) I had fun on that holiday, an incredible time so why should i throw away all my photos coz she feels uncomfortable, hell if she was uncomfortable with me having dated him surely she should not have agreed to date him too.

Anyway so on Wednesday they met, and apparently it didn't go so well. My friend informed me that my X for some reason or other (i will not speculate lol) decided that all he wanted was just to be friends blah blah blah. the calls have nearly all but stopped, there are no more chocolates or poems under her pillow, guess she will have to wear the sexy lingerie for someone else( lol am not gloating but if truth be told im incredibly relieved). Needless to say now friend of a friend and my friend were mad at me, apparently they think i set her up or something. She was ranting on the phone to me ' you knew he was an ass why were you hooking me up blah blah' (talk about being ungrateful, was she not the one a few days ago claiming that I was a fool to let him go??

I haven't cried in a long time but I cried when i got off the phone, not because I still love him, its strange i never really loved the guy, nor did i want him back, nor does he make my list of the top boyfriends ever to grace the earth, but i cried all the same. I cried coz of my photo album, I cried coz this situation was becoming incredibly complicated, i cried coz i realised that only a fool by her actions breaks her own heart. I'm genuinely sorry for her though cause i too thought that they had a good thing going (I cried remember) but on a positive note at least I get to keep my photo album lol.

Anyway we are somewhat cool now. We all met yesterday and were able to laugh it off somewhat. But never again will I attempt to do something so foolish as to try and hook up my friends with an X boyfriend, coz ..........................

ps: Santa please hurry with those giant ear muffs, Johhny and his girlfriend are now invading my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

This is not a knock knock joke .........

So yesterday evening I get a knock on my door and its Addicted my neighbour from downstairs. Now I secretly call him addicted coz he is addicted to weed, women and loud reggae music (I'm not sure in which order they come but he has been known to experience all his three pleasures simultaneously, that's how addicted he is. Anyway addicted lands on my doorstep wanting to do some borrowing or two.

Apparently he is entertaining (i bet you all know what that means) he offered his special guest some tea and when he went to look into the cupboard he realised F*%$k his run out of teabags and the corner shops are all closed so would i be kind enough to lend him a tea bag or two (in case she drinks like an elephant and asks for another cuppa or two) In my head I'm thinking WTF n*gga have you been smoking too much weed, what kind of a knock knock joke is this sh*t, me and this n*gga aren't even on talking terms even though we do listen to the same radio(his loud ass reggae music) ? But dude is dead serious, so I'm like why didn't you jus say u've run out? and he gives me this look as if to say 'are you for real, and lose out on the opportunity to get laid, hell I would rather embarrass myself by asking a random neighbor for teabags than miss out on potentially great sex'.

I spend a few minutes ramaging in my kitchen cupboard (i drink coffee and herbal teas only) and I manage to find exactly 12 teabags left. I'm doing a mental calculation of how many teabags can I give him without seeming stingy, as I am debating whether 3/4 or 7 is ideal, Addicted is shouting from the doorway, 'oh please can you hurry up coz she will wonder where I've gone to'. I am thinking this is plan ridiculous and just give him all the 12 tea bags. So now i am teabag less. the boy has the cheek to promise to pay me back, as if i will be knocking on his door anytime soon asking for my 12 teabags back...........maybe i ought to and ask for a drop of cooking oil whilst im at it lol

So I was telling my friend today what happened and we started talking about some of the most bizarre/ outrageous things we have ever been asked to lend or we have borrowed in the past she proceeded to tell me that when she was at university she used to borrow her best friends vibrator and just put a condom on top of it. somebody say ewwww ewwww ewwwwww ewwww on my behalf please!!!!!!! My point was its dirty, unhygienic, and just proper disgusting, her argument is that she washed the vibrator before and then put a condom on it, which is just the same as sleeping with a guy who has slept with someone else, but even better as she can not get HIV from it. I get her point but that's just taking borrowing to a whole new level.....can somebody say ewwwwww ewwww ewwwww again!!!!!!

So what are some of the crazy things you have been asked to lend or you have borrowed in the past.......please don't say a vibrator or teabags lol.

Monday, November 24, 2008

No Sex in this City ................

There should be a law against having wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind blowing sex (yes Sho' am talking to you lol), particularly if you live in an apartment above someone who isn't getting any, or hasn't been getting any for a while. Surely its just good neighbourliness, it makes sense, in the same way as you wouldn't eat your KFC bucket with extra large fries and two large sides in front of starving kids at a refugee camp in Somalia.

Okay bad analogy cause I'm not starving, 'starving' would mean that I am hungry yet no 'food' is available, which is not true coz the 'food' can be made available yet I'm choosing not to eat lol maybe I'm becoming sexnorexic. But seriously its been exactly 9 months since I last got laid. The first 4 of those were hell, mainly because I was still in a long distance relationship and I missed my man so much going to bed alone was intolerable, so to make me feel better we had more phone sex during those 4 months than the rest of Holland put together, I use Holland as an example coz the rest of Europe is ultra conservative. The last 5 months have been completely erotic free, meaning no sex, no alternatives to sex, no plans to get sex and very little thoughts about sex lol. Its kinda like being on a diet, the first 3 weeks are hard work (apparently it takes that long for your pallet to change)and then afterwards you get used to the 'diet' it becomes a routine, second nature, you wonder how a few months back you could possibly eat cream cakes 3 times a day, or wake up in the middle of the night for a banana or two?

So having successfully managed to keep my apartment a 'sex free zone' for 5 months running, you can imagine my frustration of having to endure night after night of 'oh Johnny oh Johnny ha ha ha oh Johnny Johnny ha ha ha Johnny oh Johnny ohhh ha ha ha johnny Johnny oh oh ha ha ha....... seriously how many times can one say Johnny in a minute followed by laughter then thuds, rattling more ha ha has a few Johnny's' a couple of oohs more rattling or ha ha has then a few high pitched Johnny's' then comes my favourite part of the evening.....silence, total silence. Five months is a long time in Sex-land so maybe am a bit out of touch but since when has sex become so funny that one has to say an average of 20 ha ha Ha's a minute? I know for definite that Johnny upstairs ain't no Chris Rock, he's an Electrician by trade lol so naturally i'm curious as to the cause /source of those ha ha Ha's......anyone with a hyperactive imagination to help me out?

So when was the last time you had noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex? (and please no answers on postcards, keep it to yourselves thank you!). But seriously who ever told people that making more noise or making the apartment expierence a mini earthquake(all the rattling and shaking) means you are enjoying it a whole lot? Once upon a time, in an era long gone, the most I could manage if i was really enjoying myself were one syllable words, anything longer meant my mind wasn't yet blown away lol.I'm not hating on my horny neighbours upstairs, or cussing the building company for making low quality apartments with paper thin walls, all i'm saying is.....Santa for Christmas please bring me one gaint pair of ear muffs , or better still wave your magic wand so that jus for a day, today, there is no noisy, wall shaking, floor thudding, window rattling, bed breaking, mind-blowing sex in this city!!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Oh fragile heart of mine.......

Oh fragile heart of mine
Licking its wounds defiantly within me
stubbornly refusing to move on
nor allow me to chose who i love or who i do not.
A heart that refuses to accept change.
I command yet it does not follow
I plead and yet it gives me no mercy
how can I force it to move on
to give up that which it holds dear
or love that which it does not?

This fragile heart of mine
its scars and wounds reminders of love battles fought and lost
A heart so bruised and sore
and yet it still holds on to a love thats lost
unwilling to move on
refusing to open up to possibilities
to wipe the slate clean so I can start again.

Dear fragile heart of mine
dont place me under lock and key.
Unlock your doors to possibilities
Many are knocking seeking to enter
and yet,
stubbornly you draw up your shutters
waiting for that familiar knock
which we both know will never come
If only you would learn from your mistakes
let go of the past so we can reach out,
reach out into a future full of loves' countless possibilities

This fragile heart of mine
A heart that loves hard, breaks easily but never forgets
wipe the slate clean so I can start again
I know life has knocked you down
But you must take a chance and spread your wings
If you afraid to try
let me lead and you can follow
and eventually we might learn to fly
oh fragile heart of mine.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Runaway Chicken (and other misdemeanours)

Those of you who ever lived or actually still live in Africa will be able to understand this analogy. Remember how back in the day (don't know if its still the practice) you could buy a live chicken and take it home to kill, skin and cook? remember sometimes how after looking forward to the whole 'we are going to eat chicken huha' the damn animal smells death and does a runner and those members of the household unfortunate enough to still be called kids would have to chase the damn animal across the yard until you eventually catch it or until your intended dinner escapes from the yard never to be seen again?........I wonder sometimes whether calling a coward 'chicken' was solely derived from such incidents.

To cut a boring story short, I chickened out, I dilly dallied so long making a decision that in the end there was no decision to be made. I realised that if you have to 'think' so long about being with someone no matter how loving or adorable they were, then you have no business being with them in the first instance. So I took the easy way out and did the runaway chicken on him, I feel guilty, he feels hurt he says he thought i was coming round. I have been hurt before so I try by all means to avoid hurting any other human being cause I know how it feels, so as much as the thought of being with him was an attractive prospect I don't love him, I need to totally and completely be free from any baggage from my previous relationship before i can even think of being in another relationship.

He looked at me for 10 solid minutes, ten minutes sitting opposite me not saying a word just looking at me and then he got up kissed me on the forehead and left closing the front door gently behind him but i felt as if he had banged it shut. So much was said in those 10 mins of silence then we could have said in ten minutes of conversation.So I'm officially the runaway coward a chicken. I guess as much as you cant help who you love, neither can you help who you don't love.

To those who were awaiting with bated breaths photos of the new boudoir you can now breath out. the stupid bed broke, well part of the head board that is, and no I wasn't getting down and dirty with anybody, funny thing was I was bouncing up and down the thing, you know just testing it out just in case well, what the hell I was just testing to see how strong it would be under pressure. Next thing I know the the thing snaps crack and one half of the thing lands on the floor, mschwwwwww that bed was my pride and enjoy, so I'm having to dismantle it and take it back to the damn shop, am so infuriated will have to face the humiliation of the staff looking at me with knowing eyes like they soooooo know what i did last night, If only they knew.

I went to a fortune teller a few weeks ago, actually I stumbled across her quite by accident. She had quite a few things to say to me, some ridiculous, some incredibly accurate, some bizarre and some ........and some that are best left undisclosed, will definitely blog about it sometime.

I'm not in the habit of wearing 'lucky knickers' or lucky pants, but when you have been so unfortunate in love you tend to think that actually that might not be such a bad idea after all. Picture this hot sunny day, I stop at the traffic light, car purrs up on my left, decent Audi TT drop top, 2006 registration, heart stopping eye candy of a hunk at the wheel, he smiles at me and winks suggestively I smile back, he blows me a kiss, i think that's silly I laugh, I start playing within my hair (a sure sign that I'm probably interested, I pray for the traffic light to remain red just for a bit longer, he indicates that i should follow his car, and as he points to the left, horror of horror the hunk has on a wedding ring, I'm indignant, traffic lights turn green, he zooms off, I'm left wanting to follow him so that I can give him a piece of my mind...I decide against it, serves me right for flirting with random pervs at traffic lights, note to self, next time at the lights look straight ahead !!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Down on Bended knees

"whatever I said, whatever I did, I didnt mean it, I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, I want you back for good"
I don't remember who sang this song, but I cant help humming it as i type this post. I'm no relationship expert, certainly i have failed in that domain four times over and had it been a college course or a job I would have been permanently barred from the field due to incompetence. So you can understand why I would normally shy away from giving relationship advice. (I would normally point you in the direction of Shona or Afrobabe and leave them to the job). Okay back to my non expert advice...............listen carefully coz this will be my first and last bit of unsolicited advice......

now if you are going to break up with someone and there is even a tiny bit of chance however remote that in the distant or not too distant future you might be begging that person to take you back, then PLEASE don't use phrases like 'ugly,' 'fcuking bitch', 'i never loved you', 'I was fcuking someone else all along', 'you were sh*t in bed', 'good riddance', or 'it was jus a fling,' in your break up vocabulary coz those kind of phrases do not enhance your prospects in any way when you go back to her/him down on bended knees grovelling for a second chance (with that girl or boy who according to you was a fat ugly fcuking bitch who you never loved as it was just a fling so that's why you were fcukiing someone else all along and its good riddance ). I would advice everyone to mind their break up language cause sooner or later you will definitely come back grovelling when you discover that the grass is indeed not greener on the other rarely is.(90% of the time anyway according to my own biased inaccurate and totally unreliable research lol)

anyway there is nothing as humiliating or as dehumanising as grovelling before someone who you called all sorts of names and swore that you would never ever want anything to do with even if they were the last woman on earth and the survival of mankind depended on it. Certainly talking from expirence its rather off putting to say the least. Case in point 'he whose name we do not speak' I found myself literally imprisoned at my own front door. dude was down on his knees, tears streaming down his face, grabbing at my feet, blocking the door so that I could not move, begging me to take him back. (seriously even the worst soap could not have written this into a script). I was trying to shut my door in his face, the poor guy was hanging on for dear life, had it been a movie it would have been comical to say the least starring Chris Rock , Adam Sandler or Jim Carey but trust me when its happening at your own front door there is nothing comical about it, all you wanna do is call the cops asap.

I would have, had it not been so pathetic, gone was the over confident cocky dude cruising round in his two seater merc, Life post our breakup had not been kind to him and it showed in a number of ways (I wont waste your time going over them lol) Funny how tables turn, this was the very same guy who when I eventually took the hint and broke up with him swore he would never be back, that he didn't love me anyway blah blah blah and how I should hit the road running coz he didn't give a damn.....the irony of it all......guess u wouldn't blame me then for secretly humming eminem's 'guess whose back' under my breath. I felt vindicated in a way coz whilst I had realised that I could live without him and I could do so much better, he in turn had discovered that he couldn't live without me and i was his 'everything'. To cut a long story short, I shut my door in his face, that's one guy who is never coming within a mile of my heart again, i was done with him a long time ago.Someone else asked me to take him back but that's a story for another post(I'm on a roll this month guess its something in the northern chilly air lol).

To take him back or not to take him back, that's a dilemma that faces each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. My theory is there are four different types of men who beg you to take them back.

there is the genuine type, the dude who truly realised that he made a mistake by letting you go and genuinely wants another chance to make things right, to make it work. he will fight hard to have you back and when he succeeds makes damn sure he keeps you for good.

there is the 'got nothing better to do I'm bored type', he doesn't really want you back, but he has discovered that there is nothing interesting out there, or all the single ladies are not rushing out to date him like he thought they would, so after a few weeks or months of being dateless the novelty of being single starts to wear thin and he gets disillusioned and thinks I might as well just go back to good old faithful miss DM.

the 'spiteful type' this is probably the most popular type of guy. he doesn't want you back, but he doesn't want you to be happy either. So every time you start getting back on your feet, or have one or two guys genuinely interested in you and you are starting to contemplate going out with one of them, he reappears on the scene saying how much he wants you back blah blah blah and how he made a mistake, you take him back only for him to hurt you again, and when you eventually get back on your feet he reappears again, and the same thing keeps happening again and again.

then there is Mr confuse your mind,you know the type that doesn't want you back but still wants to have sex with you. so he is kinda like blah blah lets take things slow and see how it goes. So you are not in a 'relationship' but you are sleeping together. he says he needs to sort his feelings out, figure out what he really wants but he loves you blah blah but funny how his d**k has no problem figuring out what it wants huh?So he confuses you, and you don't move on cause you are stuck in this halfway house in between being in a relationship and jus being sex buddies. 9 out of 10 times you later find out he has a new girlfriend on the side and get hurt again.

Some say that you should never get back together again with a guy whose broken your heart coz you cant teach an old dog new tricks. Others say to err is human and to forgive is divine. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer but I guess the secret to avoid being hurt again is to make sure that if ever he does come back on bended knees begging you to take him back, make sure that he is not bored, spiteful or jus trying to confuse your mind.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What The Fu*k!??!! (when love is not blind but ridiculously shortsighted)

Have you ever thought of, met, looked at a picture of, reminisced about an x boyfriend and thought What the fcuk was i thinking dating this guy? You know, that point when your rose tinted glasses are broken/removed and you can see him clearly as the loser, jerk, lazy ass, serial cheater, violent thug, user , chancer, or good for nothing jobless sh*t that he was? Okay maybe nothing quite so drastic but you realise anyway many moons after the relationship is over that you definitely were shortchanging yourself in a number of ways and that you most certainly deserved and could do better? Well if you haven't, I have.

Some of them x’s are dead funny, you can laugh it off as ‘I was young and foolish’ or I didn't know better, but some of them ain't so funny, when he gets arrested for rape , or you hear he beats up his wife or he now has 6 children from 5 different baby mamas, or he is dying of HIV or its ten years down the line (since you split up) and he still cant hold down a decent job or he spends 23 hrs at the local pub stone drunk or his doing time in jail for supplying class A narcotics, then you get goosebumps on your flesh coz suddenly you think OH MY FCUKING BALLS that could have been my husband!!!!!!! It is at that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief or thank God for not always granting prayers and thank him for sometimes dragging us out of potential ‘fires’ or ‘frying pans’ even though we fervently prayed for him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part? Who knows, what type of lives we would be leading right now yoked to these WTF kind of dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone, to make things work simply because we 'love' them that we become ridiculously short sighted and live for the day forgetting to think realistically whether in reality you could actually spend the rest of your life with a man who is drunk every night or who cant hold down a steady job or who has been into bother with the law again and again. I don't believe that love is blind coz 97% of the times we are aware that he is a violent man, a drunkard, controlling etc but we just tend to brush it aside thinking he will change, its just a phase or its not really important......wait until you have three kids together who need getting fed and clothed and he spends all your income on booze or you are in the A and E night and day from the bruises that he will have given you and then you can tell me whether you still think its 'not important'. My aunt taught me something important, (not that I have always followed her advice) never date a man who you can never envisage as a potential reliable father to your 'children' Or rather do we foolishly believe that love conquers all whether that 'all' is drink, drugs, unemployment, irresponsibility, infidelity or recklessness? I must admit love does conquer some some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect 'love' to conquer.....hell even Napoleon's armies would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally I am proud of my X’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve, and the possibility that by being in their life for a year or maybe two, I might have some how contributed positively to the successful man that they have become. However I do have an X that I wish I could discount when I'm tallying up my bedpost notches, the one that I would be too embarrassed to introduce to any of my current friends real virtual or even imaginary, the one that will always make me change direction when I see him coming, the one that i try by all means possible to refer to as an old friend instead of as one of my X’s. The one who gives me a WTF moment every time I meet him, think of him, or see his picture.

My WTF X boyfriend did not do anything quite as drastic as having 6 baby mamas, do time as a guest of Her Majesty’s prison service or get arrested for a sexual offence....his crime was failing to make something of himself....okay lemme explain a Lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating I was 18 he was 19, first love first fcuk first kiss first everything, i loved him when he had nothing he loved me when I had nothing, he gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King I get mine as a support worker , 1 year down the line we still dating I get into law school he's still at the checkout in Burger King, a year later I'm in second year law school his still at the checkout in Burger King. A year later exactly 3 years since we started dating we split up nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and all but that's a story for another day.

So roughly 4yrs since i knew him I got a law degree and he was still at burger King. To cut a long story short I go off to do my postgrad studies and all and get a full time professional job dude is still at Burger King not even promoted to floor manager working with 16/17year olds a grown ass man aged 27 who has no ambition what so ever in his life (I have nothing against working at a fast food restaurant after all they to have corporate ladders that you can climb).

So every time one of my mates walk into his branch of Burger King and see my WTF dude there , they always make it a point to give me a ring to rub it in, making silly jokes like had i been married to him i would be entitled to free burgers or happy meals for nearly 9 years running and all i can think is WTF......Okay i must admit though that there was a time i didn't feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him, a time that i wanted to spend the rest of my earthly life and my eternal one as well yoked to this guy........but that is way way way back in the past and as for now all I feel when I see him, think about him or am reminded of him is What the Fcuk, WTF, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS for the record (just so that i don't get hassled by the men in here,)am sure that there are WTF kind of girls out there too.

Monday, October 20, 2008

About a boy .......................

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
The sweetest man
and I want the whole world to know.....

His smile is contagious
His laugh is infectious
Im smiling again
And laughing once more
and all because I've met a boy

I love the way
he waves his dreadlocked head
and tosses his locks from side to side
his manly chest
so rippled and fit
gives me the goosebumps
I can no longer eat

I love the way he says my name
he rolls the R's and drops the Es
His soapy romantic
I swear its a dream
he loved holding my hand
as we strolled through the park.

I love the way he plays with my hair
and gives me piggy back rides
all the way from the park.

I've connected with nature
got rainbows and moonlights
sunshine in my soul
I've got butterfly flutters in ma tummy
and ants in my pants
Im convinced Im a star
see my eyes sparkle
jus coz his here.

I love the way my toes curl up
when he sings a song
strums an imiginary guitar
and does awkward impressions of Jojo the clown.
his funny
his silly
his just what I need
my first Aid box of sunshine
to heal me when blue

he makes me coacoa with extra sugar
puts silly notes through the door
sends me postcards and candy
with his favourite sweets taken out!!

he makes me laugh at the unfunniest jokes
and makes me blush the strangest of shades
his caramel lips
so tender and sweet
making me wish I could stand on tiptoe
and kiss them shut

he reads me stories at bedtime
with endings made up
of princes and fairies and kissing a frog.
he draws all my curtains
and fluffs up my pillows
he would tuck me in bed
If only I would ask.

I've met a boy
The cutest boy
and my knees went all wobbly and weak
I've met a boy
My perfect man
........ and yet I havent told him so.

okay I wrote this three weeks ago, remember i told you i met a guy and promised to write about it ? well i tried to put into words what happened but i couldnt find the right words so instead I wrote a poem. I know you would probably want to know what happened next, but again can't really find the right words so wrote another poem just now.........

It should be so easy
to say yes when he says be my woman
Not to pull away when he tries to hold my hand
To let him hug me for a few seconds longer, past the point of being jus friends..
It should be so easy
To let him love me like i deserve to be loved
To let myself go, give in to the passion, the love, the warmth,
It should be so easy
To let go of the past,
To let him be strong enough for me, emotionally, physically, spiritually
To trust that he will always be here
it could be so easy
new year, new start,new man,new beginnings
all i need to do is say yes
and yet
and yet I keep saying NO.
It should be so easy
But damn, Im finding it so hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

How NOT to Beak Up........................

The last two weeks have been really quite hectic, plenty of gist and very little time.I start the new job tomorrow, ecstatic better pay, better job, better conditions in a much nicer town, what more could a girl wish for? Went to see my new workmates last week Wednesday....the jury is still out but they seemed like a pretty decent bunch
I finally went on a much needed holiday break with my sisters and my cousins and (cue drum rolls.......)i met a boy!!!!! (trust me though there was nothing boyish about him,pure undiluted heart stopping eye candy of a man, straight off the front cover of vogue/fitness today but before you get the popcorn out,nothing x rated happened but my heart still does treble flips every time i think about him lol. ( will blog about it when I get time)

I finally moved home, well moved towns and the whole experience has been amazing (save for the extortionate amount i paid the removal company etc but its good to be back close to family. ) Its also given me a plausible excuse to redecorate (well technically you cant call decorating a new house (re)decorating but I've gone all out on the painting and furnishings, my bedroom is straight out of sex and the city grand designs (will try and upload a photo.)But it seems such a shame for such a sensual erotic room to go to waste (well i have been abstaining since February) perhaps its time to break the fast lol, speaking of which temptation has been flying in from left right and centre, actually temptation is too strong a word, there have been offers to blow my mind, send me to the tenth heaven, give me the night of my dreams etc etc but am so not interested. Speaking of not being interested what's up with guys and 'wanting you back?' well actually i will leave it for my next post (well the one after the one about my 'holiday romance' without the romance lol).

About a month ago ~Sirius~ wrote a post about guys and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally I think its 'okay' for someone to leave a relationship, after all the pledge 'till death do us part' is only made at the point of marriage so at any point before that anybody whether male or female should be allowed to reconsider their options/what they are looking for coz relationships are all about searching for something and in any search you follow a few blind leads.HOWEVER (and its a big however) what I am not okay with is the manner in which most guys choose to leave. Looking at the break up experiences of friends etc these are some of the categories i came up with.....

like a thief in the night
you talked to him the previous night, he promised to pass by the next day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day , or the next or the weekend he doesn't turn up, you try and call him his phone goes unanswered, you call his friends they are all being evasive, he doesn't call he doesn't pass by, explanation, no goodbye doesn't even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address, its as if he has been wiped out from the face of the earth alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel for an emergency. sometimes he will resurface with a stupid but plausible (if u drunk) explanation ..sometimes you will accidentally meet six months later at the neighbourhood club and he will try and give you a cock and bull story about how he went thru a difficult time blah blah blah and he can explain.....allow him to explain and he wont be able to, sometimes he will resurface on face book but then sometimes you never hear from him again.

like the second coming of Christ
This is different from the first. This one doesn't disappear from the face of the earth but the break up is out of the blues, totally unexpected catches you unawares. You think you have a good thing going, you are even making plans to marry him thinking he is the one and all. He appears committed to the relationship, everything is going fine, your friends love him, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about spent valentines day together, buys you a big ass present for your birthday all your friends envy you.............until one day out of the blues he says his sorry his not feeling the relationship anymore, he wants space, wants out, needs time to clear his head, he doesn't know what he wants. In your head you are thing WTF since when have you been feeling this way? was it not yesterday you were calling me your future wife? But the guy is not joking he is serious and just like that it is over, no one can believe you, you cant believe it either, hell you did not see this coming, you thought you were happy together dammit!!!!!!

don't shoot the messenger
This one is pretty humiliating, the dude has no guts to tell you its over, or he is not feeling you anymore so he sends his best friend or your best friend to either 'hint' that he is no longer interested or for them to tell you straight up that it is over. Sometimes his best friend will tell you crap like 'I really like you as a sister so i just thought i should give you some brotherly advise Olu is not serious i think you deserve better he is not ready to settle down, trust me i know I am his friend and it hurts me that he treats you like that' Such a long speech and you think this guy is looking out for you when in actual fact he is looking out for his friend who wants to dump you but doesn't have the courage to say it to your face so he sends a messenger.

The telephone game
I don't know if any of you remember the telephone game.....the one where you all stand in line and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person ......the message is passed down the line until the last person has to repeat what they were told out loud. Imagine you are the last person standing in the queue (enough said). You know the kind of break up where you are the last to know........where everyone else is aware he is no longer interested or that he is already chatting up some other girl or he is already dating some other chicca or he is actually marrying someone else etc. This too is humiliating, you get mad at your friends for not telling you.......but their excuse is 'we thought you knew'.

Big Brother Style
(Davina McCall shouting in large microphone)....................this is big brother you are being evicted!!!!!!! okay i guess this one is self explanatory. Your break up is loud and messy. He just doesn't break up with you, he wants the whole world to know every intricate detail. He is not only content with breaking up with you, he wants to humiliate you as well, hell he would even put a notice in the Sunday Times if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody who is willing to listen what happened between the two of you, your private life is laid bare, he will even share juicy bits of your love life, go on and on about how lousy you are in bed etc etc. You want to crawl into a corner and die, the whole neighborhood now knows your business, the whole church knows you slept together on the first date.......he will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together, you just want to crawl into your bed and hide, you are sick of the calls from friends asking 'is it true'

The fake gentleman
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but he is too much of a coward ( or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to breakup with you)so he does things to make you break up with him instead so that you eventually end the relationship (successfully passing the buck for the relationship ending on to you when that's what he wanted all along.)

Sex and the city style
remember when Carrie got dumped via a post it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and the doorman notified her that it was over? there are so many different variations of this (email, text message, instant messenger) but all of them equally cowardly and totally selfish.

With a bang
self explanatory, he shags you then dumps you (enough said).

Hurricane Katrina
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams, leaves you devastated, destroys you,your whole being, your self esteem everything. shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable, some of it will be costly /expensive and will take time to repair. You are a broken woman, he leaves you feeling like you have lost everything, everything you ever worked for, lived for, you cant believe this is happening to you, sometimes you will be in denial, sometimes you will be so angry at God at everyone, you wonder how it could have happened to you? You have to start afresh but you don't know how........

Its not that there is ever a 'good way to break up' a break up will always be difficult and painful for one if not both of the parties but i still think that people should be able to break up in a sensitive and 'bloodless' manner. Unfortunately things always end badly for if things were not bad they would not have ended but i think it is always courteous to break up in person where possible. Please share your break up experiences so that I know whether I'm talking through my ass as usual. Ps although i am well aware of how people should not break up i do not have any answers on how people should.....if they need to at all.......break up.

Might be AWOL for some time but will definitely be checking your blogs even if i might not have time to leave a comment.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Desperately.........Loving you Desperately

Unrequited love.......the bitter sweet pain of unrequited love. Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter how much they don’t love you, or push you away the more you try harder and harder for them to love you? Have you ever begged and begged for forgiveness from someone who you know should be the one apologising to you, but you do it all the same because you don’t want to lose them? Have you ever bought someone expensive designer clothes that you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself in the hope that they will appreciate you even more?

Have you ever spent more than half your wages buying gifts for someone hoping that somehow they will see how much you treasure them and treasure you right back? Have you ever asked how high, when some one said jump, not because they are holding a gun to your head but just because they are holding a gun to your heart? Have you ever played the he(she) loves me, he(she) loves me not game, plucking petals off an oxy-daisy and praying fervently that the last petal is 'he(she) loves me?'

Have you ever given someone money that’s meant for your mortgage so that they could go on an exotic cruise,knowing full well that if you don’t pay your mortgage you will lose the keys to your house, but you do so all the same because you want to unlock the keys to their heart and find a space you can fit? Have you ever done that stupid love game where you write your name and somebody else’s then cross out identical letters just to find out what percentage that person loves you and then making a deliberate mistake so that it reads 80% and not 8%. Have you ever fished for compliments from someone and when those compliments are not forthcoming you fish again and again and again until they label you shallow when all you want is for them to know you are there? Have you ever received 64 good luck cards but broke into tears because the one card, from that one person just wasnt there?

have you ever spent money in a month (that could pay someone's rent for two months)on make up or clothes to make yourself look pretty on the outside so that maybe someone will begin to see that you are beautiful on the inside too? Have you ever given more than you could afford to and then keep on giving so that someone will start to believe you are a gift to them too? Have you ever read books you would not normally read, gone to shows you would not normally watch, wear clothes you would not normally wear, done activities you secretly hate doing, just because you secretly hope that when someone discovers you have something in common they will appreciate you even more? Have you ever prayed fervently for days/years or months trying to bargain with God so that someone could love you back? Have you ever said only wonderfuland amazing things about someone, hoping that one day they would say at least just one wonderful thing about you? So have you, have you ever?

Have you ever even if it’s secretly wondered, whether juju to make someone love you back really does works? Have you ever laughed when someone says hurtful jokes about you hoping that they will think you have a good sense of humour and spend more time in your company? Have you ever felt like walking away from someone but instead you cling even closer? Have you ever achieved more than anyone else you know, and still striving to achieve more than all the people you don’t know, not because you are power driven, but love driven in the hope that perhaps someone you love will realise how talented you are, how amazing you are and finally tell u that u are not a waste of space but you are actually special?

Unrequited love....should you give up? Should you let go? Is it self esteem issues or you develop the self esteem problems due to unrequited love? Is it foolish? Is it futile? Is it not worth it? Is it stupid? Is it stalking? Is it madness? Is it desperation? Loving someone so much, that you would do anything for them, no matter how stupid or harmful it is to you, you would still do it.Desperately.......loving someone with every ounce of your flesh, every vein in your heart....loving someone even though it hurts....loving someone even more than you have ever loved yourself....Being desperately in love with someone.....loving someone as if your whole world, your whole life depended on it.So have you? Have you ever? Have you ever loved someone......desperately?....Maybe there are more trees in the forest, some say there are more fish in the sea......maybe if you miss a bus you do catch another............but not, not if that tree, that fish, or that bus is known as your mother.

(Please let me know in the comments section if you've ever done something stupid, silly or crazy (in hindsight) just because you loved someone? The crazier the better lol)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Rich also Cry.............

Mama Im so depressed xxx has cheated on me
"Ah that's not important you have a good job."
Can you believe what That Uche has been going around saying about me I'm so hurt
"You complain too much sha thank God you have so many degrees."
I feel so lonely I wish I had a friend
"with the amount of money you earn I wouldn't be worried about not having friends, go shopping"
I'm feeling suicidal I feel like I cant cope
"Don't be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselv
es trying to date you."

Its not that I don't count my blessings, I do, each and everyday, when I wake up and when I go to bed. It would not have mattered though if i didnt, for I can almost name more than 30 odd people who will most certainly be ready and willing to count them for me. Not that they need to wait for an invitation, my ears are already ringing from their constant remainders of how lucky or blessed I am .............. "You lucky you have a good job," " you lucky you so intelligent", "you are lucky you have such a close family," " you are lucky your parents. have so much money," "you are lucky that all your family members I still alive," "you are lucky you got that promotion," " i really envy you," "i wish i was like you," "you are my inspiration," "God has been really kind to you"...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wouldn't it drive you crazy as well? As if this was not enough they have voted me 'the most envied' person in my social network on facebook. I'm sick of it. Its not that I am ungrateful I more than anyone else am well aware that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need / expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small mercies...well actually big mercies. Its not the fact that people remind me to be grateful that gets to me, its the fact that for some reason people believe that the trauma/ill will/bad luck/misfortunes/problems/catastrophes (yes catastrophes I have had my fair share of those in my 26yrs) that I go through are simply inconsequential/ or not worth recognising since my countless blessings make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be enduring. Consequently I'm the type of purpose who has to wail loudly before some recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently will not cut it, and even when recognised my feelings are instantly dismissed as if they do not matter as if they are inconsequential simply because.....simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 26year African woman.

I never get to have a voice ........this is the story of my life, I feel as if I'm being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds, even though I am where I am through blood sweat and tears. I hate the life I have, not that its not wonderful but that I don't matter enough, people have stopped seeing the real me and started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc, somehow I feel that were I to commit suicide the first comments would not be concern but would be reproach........ 'what a waste her life was great.' or 'she killed her self why? I thought she had a good job and all' (no i dont plan to commit suicide).

In fact this business of thinking that somehow it was justified for me to have painful or whatever experiences just because the odds were always in my favour, started when I was quite young. I remember my parents sent me to an extremely expensive private school. So expensive was it that it took my dads two months wages to pay a terms fees and even at that time he earned a lot. My mother never made me forget this. Somehow it was okay for me to be bullied (we were only a handful of black kids) at school (not that it was okay but simply I was supposed to be grateful because my other siblings although they were at private school as well their fees was not nearly as high as mine) It was 'okay' for me not to go on holiday simply because I went to the expensive school. It was okay for me not to have as much holiday pocket money as the others after all they were going without (yeah right) so that my parents could fund my expensive education. From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not want to complain or let anyone know that I was unhappy I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which even made me unhappier which then made me even guiltier and ashamed of myself which made me even more depressed then i would feel even guiltier (if there is such a word) for being depressed when i should be short it became a vicious circle.

It probably still is up to now, i still have to think twice before I say my problems to people then I have to say them 5times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no one comforted me, when I tried to reach out to people they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me....I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her that I was feeling suicidal and I couldn't cope anymore, I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself I was the luckiest person in the world and that a lot of people envied my life....she said to me she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality...don't be silly she said..if only she knew that at that precise moment I was very close to the brink. Do you know that a large percentage of suicides are committed by people who are middle class and above? Not that its a sport of the rich fabulous or fantastic only but statics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people.....guess that's why people say money doesn't buy you happiness.....which is not true..... its because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you your happiness that they don't make the effort to ensure that you are really and truly happy like they would for a less well to do relative.

I guess I'm sick and tired of having to shout to be heard, having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion, kindness, cuddles or warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn't change the fact that I am still human, I've insecurities, I have days that I feel ugly, periods of time when I feel that the world is closing in on me , crushing me and I can not breathe. There will be days when I could use a shoulder to cry on, months when I would gladly trade my life for yours, there will be weeks when I don't get out of bed, mornings when I weep and cry to God why me Jehovah? It doesn't mean I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have....its just that I'm human, and countless blessings or great mercies if you cut me open I bleed... (sorry Leona Lewis). So next time if I'm in despair and I could do with a friend, please don't recite my numerous blessings, just give me a hug . I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after safes are locked and the banks have closed, well after expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket, the jewellery is removed and the jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed, when the house help has gone home,and the curtains are drawn, and they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness................ sometimes the rich.......actually........ sometimes I, just like the rich also cry.

Flabby wrote a similar post only saw it after i had written mine but its worth checking out My Side of the Story!: My right to hurt
PS: This post is in response to someone who was concerned that my posts are rather 'dark'. I am happy with most aspects of my life, career, home etc but i struggle in others. I normally
have an outlet for my joy but i struggle in terms of expressing my pain (hopefully this post has explained why) and thats why i blog. PS: I am not rich!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Blame it on the Weatherman .............

* long ass post as usual*
This week what was supposed to be a promising week full of sunny spells, bright mornings and a cool calm gentle breeze , turned into gloomy dampness and loads of rain, actually it rained twice to be precise.

The first time, it was nothing too serious, light showers falling softly against my 'window' pitter patter..pitter patter ever so softly, if you blinked you would have missed it, but it was rain all the same. The other 'thunderstorm was more damaging. The weather forecast had read 'expect gloom and heavy rains, the flood warning signs on the motorway were on green, but still when the heavy hail storms came crushing down I was unprepared and got thoroughly soaked.'s how it all started.

I finished reading a novel on Monday night and I cried. I cried because the two main characters in the novel were so in love, made for one another, you could almost reach out and 'touch' their love from page to page, so in sync, where one breathed in the other breathed out. A love so intense that it knew no boundaries, he was determined to possess her, he crossed oceans, scarified career, family everything just to be with her. It took years, bitter sweet years filled with deep regrets failed marriages, divorces suicides and broken dreams before they finally realised they were made for each other but in the end they did. It was beautiful, so magical, to find someone who is your universe your world the centre of your being. To find that missing page in a book, the knife for the fork, the lid for the pot, the ink for the pen ....sheer perfection.

I cried for i wondered why such love only exists in storybooks and dreams, why our men are never knights in shinning armour but male Jezebels, Cains and Lucifers. I cried for it taught me that my previous relationship (not that there was a current one) was folly and not love, for although true love means you give all you have without expecting anything back,when that sacrifice means you forget your own needs and self-respect just so that you can give all you have to make the other person happy, then it becomes "foolish"(folly), not true love.

I cried because the story described what I wanted, dreamt of, wished for, what I needed. A love so beautiful, a love so tender, a love so unconditional, a love so whole yet i knew that it was just a dream as such love only existed in story books. I even found a picture on the Internet to illustrate that this kind of love did not exist.

So it rained. Softly and gently, showers filled with lost hopes, dreams and desires, rain filled with disappointment , heartbreaks and countless heartache, pitter patter pitter patter into my pillow, tears so soft ....if i blinked you would have missed them, light showers falling down my cheeks.

I once had a good man and I let him go. There I have said it, finally admitted it without putting a but at the end. I wont bother listing all his positives attributes I'm sure you all have at some point in your lives come across or in the very least heard about/ dreamt about what a good man would look like. That was he. Note i said good man and not perfect, he wasn't perfect, according to me anyway. I broke up with him because he cried, he was very emotional and he had issues in his past with his relationship with his dad. I resented him for this, not because it made him bad in anyway but because seeing him experiencing his pain made me feel like a coward for denying mine and pretending that the issues I had with my mother did not exist (enough said, that's a post for a drunken night).

So I kicked him to the curb and told myself I did not love him even though he made me feel good about myself, with him I didn't have to pretend, when the sex was mind blowing my screams could attract the police, when it was not so mind blowing he would know and make it right. Iknew he wanted whats best for me, and i wanted what was best for him too. I could say anything to him without being judged, and with me he didn't need to prove him self. I could read his mind, he made me want to be a better person, helped me be where I am right now, showed my family a lot of love, and not once not even once in the time we were together did he make me cry.......................................well up until last week Friday.

Last week Friday the weather forecast read 'danger expect plenty of flooding and heavy rains, but I ignored the warning signs. My cousin had phoned that morning and asked if she could come and visit. She wanted to bring her 'newish' sort of fiancee, they had been dating for 8 months now were engaged to be married but to me he would be new coz I had never met him before. I agreed readily said I was excited to finally meet this man of her dreams (flood alert went up on green). They arrived at my house he was text book perfect, looked good, smelt great (not that I sniffed lol) and paid for dinner, lunch and drinks without flinching ( flood lights went to amber). They were so in love only had eyes for each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the room. I wont give a blow by blow account ....this post is already long enough, but looking at them two together suddenly personified Monday's novel for me, it was as if i was seeing a live performance by those characters in the novel. It was as if the author was talking about them, had plagiarised their story their love. He still wanted to be with her, wanted to marry her even though he knew she could give him no children, knew that she had her ovaries taken out, and her chances of completely beating the ovarian cancer were 50 50. he knew this before they were together and yet he still loved her, wanted to be with her. I went upstairs to my bedroom, there was no space in the lounge for all three of us, their love filled the room to the brim, suffocating, filling my nostrils and I couldn't breathe I had to flee.

I rushed upstairs to my room, hunted fervently for a dictionary and looked up the meaning of love. This is what I found.

"Love is believing, sharing, dreaming.Love is Honesty.Love is friendship, companionship, and more.Love is completion. Forgiving. Understanding and inspiring.Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration.Love is supporting, but not overbearing.Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to/for another.Love is being open to an other's expression definition of love.hat love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you. make sure they treat you right true love starts with companionship,then followed by friendship,which was bonded by respect,then develops into crush or mutual understanding..finally evolves into lovers/admirers that was built by love and affection..made in concern..tied by loyalty and honesty..and hardened by trust.Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual trust of the old."

Images of my ex boyfriend (the one who cried a lot) flashed through my mind. he had been love personified. It was as if Collins dictionary was defining the couple in the novel, my cousin and her boyfriend downstairs , defining my ex boyfriend who cried a lot, defining what we had, what I lost, what I could have had right now, defining what my life could have been..........It was then that the floodgates opened, the skies were filled with thunder and lightening and it poured, a storm filled with regret, longing and more regret ....................the hailstorm the mother of all storms had began ................................... sometimes our love lives don't turn out the way we want them to, simply because we don't know the true meaning of love in the first instance,for you to be able to give your heart fully, you need to know the definition of love.................. Oh how i wish i had owned a dictionary back then.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Conversations with my inner man ............

*long post as usual*
The past week has been quite hectic mental wise for me. I meant to post this last week (which is the week im referring to) but like i mentioned in my previous post there was a lot of stuff in my head I couldnt make sense of , loads of squiggles and scribbles. I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week and this post probably reflects a lot of the turmoil and confusion as I had conversations with my inner man.

Several things have happened some which are life changing in the great scheme of things but are too boring to blog about, some which I cant blog about without seriously invading the privacy of some extremely private individual, some which I promised never to blog about again...which then leaves me with very little I can share about the events of this past week. YT has been in touch not that its in anyway relevant to this post but i thought I would give him a mention in case some of you might be wondering what happened to him (and no a bus did not run him over like a fellow blogger wished, he is still alive and kicking.. lol) but its good that we might have come full circle back to the point of just being msn friends like we were in the beginning.... nothing complicated.

I'm kinda annoyed that I'm no longer affected by my previous relationship with YT not that I wanted to carry on hurting forever but now that my friends and family know that he has been relegated to jus being one of the X's and a friend they are no longer willing to keep bank rolling the MDM must recover soon project. they are no longer willing to be ready and willing with special favours, treats and spoiling me in a bid to get me on the road to recovery quick quick. Like during my period of mourning my aunt didn't think twice about giving me her designer bag and just this previous week she has come to collect it saying that now that I have recovered I don't need it (the cheek). My friends who about a month ago this time would have gladly taken me out and paid and bought drinks are now asking me to contribute to the night out kitty. So you must understand why i miss the pampering which has rapidly disappeared coz im happy again.....ah well guess will have to be content with waiting until the next heartbreak lol.

I think this week was a roller coaster week for me, loads of rainbows, sunshine, silver linings kisses and cuddles that like the pessimist that I am I'm thinking this ship is bound to crash pretty soon. Work is great, home life couldn't be better, relationship wise I'm content, it feels really sexy and liberating to be able to say to potential suitors who come aknocking 'yes Im single but I'm not available', but the attention is good (well annoying sometimes) but being called beautiful/sexy/hot etc has never really landed anyone in hospital has it. But for some reason this week I have also been doing a lot of soul searching. Which brings us to the subject of the post today

Conversations with my inner man...........

And lead me not into temptation
but above all
save me
Save me oh Lord I pray
deliver me from my worst enemy
for she threatens to consume me
From my tormentor within,
rescue me from myself
Save me from what my experience with him is moulding me into
Rescue me from this person that I've become.

How is it possible that one can do/perform/take part/participate/experience a perfectly ordinary normal 'thing' but feel remarkably ashamed and guilty afterwards? is it the act itself that makes it wrong or is it your feelings after the act that makes the act wrong or is it I have crisscrossed emotionally so many times between doing whats good and that which is bad that in the confusion my conscience which dictates my morality can no longer distinguish whats right from whats wrong? (and no I'm not referring to sex lol)

I'm wondering why?
Its just one of those days and Im wondering why.......
Im wondering why you said you would never leave,
yet your feet were halfway through the door.
Why you asked for my heart
yet all you needed was to hold my head.
Why you made me your princess
When what you really needed was a queen
Its just one of those days and im wondering how
How you could say I was your star
and forget to tell me you owned the milk way
How you can promise to make me happy
yet all you do is make me cry
How you plan to take me to the moon
when you've never owned a spaceship
How friends can swear to have your back
yet stab you in the front?
Im wondering how you planned to bring me the universe
When you yet to conquer the earth
I wonder why we claim to be lovers
yet all we are, are fcukers
Im wondering why those we love never stay
Or why we never love those that stay
Im wondering how one can use a million words
yet say absloutely nothing
How one can lie naked on the floor
and yet not reveal nothing
why someone can say forever when all they mean
is we will see.
Guess its one of those days I'll have to keep wondering why?

For the first time

For the first time in my life (well not strictly true but near enough) I apologised to someone first. I said ssorry without adding a but at the end or tryna justify myself. For the first time I didnt care about being always right or thinking I know everything or winning a fight. For the first time I said Im sorry without expecting to be automatically forgiven, I apologised and meant it. For the first time it wast all about me, and what I want, what I think and me having my own way. For the first time I understand what it means to be humble and its a good feeling. Although Im yet to get an acknnowledgement of my admission to being wrong, I dont mind, for I think I have learnt an improtant lesson that sometimes its okay not to be always right..........and admit it.

Questions for my pastor that will at best remain 'un-asked'

Can you 'do' somebody so many times that you earn the right to be called a legitimate fcuk and absolve yourself of the guilt that is normally associated with being the other woman........?

Since when has being some one's girlfriend/concubine/person he is seeing/ earned the same 'though shall not trespass on my land legal rights as you would be entitled to if you were actually married to someone?

should I feel any shame/remorse/ guilt and ask for forgiveness for my trespasses if i break up said not biblical or traditionally officially union?

If God intended said not yet legal unions to be unbreakable instead of saying 'what God has joined together let no man put asunder' would he not have chosen his words differently and said 'what God is most likely to join together in the future do not put asunder right now lest it will not successfully be joined together in the future because of your putting it asunder?

If it is perfectly okay (biblical and traditional wise) to have two or more wives, should then the other women not be referred to as sluts/prostitutes/hos/goldiggas and be respectfully referred to as 'legitimate wives in the making?

I ask my dear pastor not to absolve myself or anyone else of any guilt, but I ask so that maybe I can find some justification for that which once upon a time in my ignorance I swore I would never become............

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Of spiders, webs and intricate snares

"Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!"

Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832)

She's got a face; I found out that day, that she had a face. Not that I thought she was headless, or faceless or had a huge hole where her head should have been, I just never imagined her with a face that’s all.

It wasn’t a mirror, neither was it on the wall. It was an email with 163kb worth of attachments I had no prior warning, got the ping to say 'I got mail' scanned for viruses, spyware and adware, 23kb worth of attachments given the all clear. And there she is staring me straight in the eyes, a close up, a full frontal view and a half body shot to show off the jugs. In one she was smiling, in the other she was frowning, and in the rest she struck a defiant pose as if to say 'sowatcha gonnae do??????'

Not that I was going to reach out through the computer screen and punch her perfect almost Eurocentric nose out of line, but I had spent 7 bloody months wondering how she looked like, almost to the point of obsession. I used to wonder if she was fat or she was slim, if she was pretty, stunning or just plan ugly. Not that it would have made a difference or given her or me a defence. Part of me wants to call her the other woman, but that would be lying, for she calls me too the other woman. But to be fair with all the hoo-ha and the palaver that has surrounded out three way relationship, like the earth our positions have rotated, so much so that somehow the lines got blurred about who was the bitch and who was the rightful heir to the throne as the flesh of his ribs. Not that the position was vacant, we have both occupied it at so many stages of our lives that we could probably not do without the other.

Whilst I held a carefree indifference about her or her apparently tragic situation, (I say apparently for what I knew I had gleamed whilst he was cushioned on my bosom), she loathed me with a passion that is best reserved for those intimate of lovers, or with so much venom that were it from a snake it would be none other than the black mamba or the Fierce Snake (Oxyuranus microlepidotus) which has 100 times more venom than any snake known to men.

My crime is not that I stole what belonged to her, for what I stole she had already taken from me before I snatched it from her after she grabbed it from me..... (Let me stop coz it’s making me all dizzy), my crime was I had lied about her which apparently to her was tantamount to rigging the vote or foul play, or whatever. Personally I think she was just grasping at straws trying to find a reason to hate me and hate what I represented, I think deep down she feared that had she given her heart the chance to get to know me, she might have grown to love me, and that could not happen. At the very least it would open up a can of worms, that commonsense would dictate was best left unopened. In the great scheme of things, the dimensions of our three way relationship are so complex that they are best left undefined.

Okay back to the no longer headless body, strange that curiosity did not kill this cat, instead it gave it another lease of life, it what sense I could not best describe but I felt complete as if another piece of the jigsaw was firmly in place and I could delegate that piece of my brain that had been so pre occupied with wanting to put a face to the persona on to other perhaps more productive business than that which it had engaged in. Conflicting emotions, as I gazed at her image, almost passing for a body double of my very own and yet we were very different in a way that complimented each other, otherwise we would not have managed to co-exist and rotate on the same axis Mother Nature would not have allowed.

Somehow by having a face she has humanised the whole plot, added another complex moral dilemma to this intricate web of confusion, anyone who has listened to a show on the radio and then later had the opportunity to watch it on TV would know what I am on about. Although I deleted the images for my hard drive capacity will not allow me to do otherwise, I’m sure her image will remain emblazoned in the secret cove of my brain that I dare not open unless held at gunpoint. Somehow I wonder if having now been alerted to the fact that there is indeed a face to the body, will that change the dynamics of our relationship.

Do we want to change the complex web of confusion? or as I suspect we have become interdependent, metamorphosed into one being, one soul....maybe we ought to accept the uncomfortable truth that just like the true meaning of light would be lost were it not for the presence of darkness, we can not all exist without one another.....but looking at the images again confirms what I already fear.......that we already have.........

Just like you, I’m probably struggling to make sense of this post, this muse, this complex web of confusion. Somehow it feels right to flow with the confusion, for some intricate tales are best illustrated in abstract form.